Help Am I being resolute or insensitive? (this is a bit long)

[PacifistMom]

I'm in a long burst here - it's been up and down since before Christmas (always the worst) but he has been in a storm for almost 2 weeks and we are not talking to each other at all. Sorry if my post is a little repetitive ... some of this is explained in my introductory post and another post - but since I am really new to this board and am a little clueless about the real implementation of the tools, I thought it best to include transcripts.

I sent him a text message on Saturday (can't talk to him at all right now, he flips on everything) after a week of hell which I believe was based on me telling him it is totally unacceptable for him to throw a stool down the stairs when upset with my daughter. He was angry that I had changed, that something was going on with me, etc.  The message I sent him said

"I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I'm not sure what's happening with you this week or what the solution is but I agree that we need to make adjustments and am ready to help in any way I can. I love you."

Anyway he responded with ideas about supper, no mention of the week, and that evening was great we made supper and had a relaxing night.

Sunday I set him off again by making him feel that I didn't value his opinion (regarding backsplash colors). He has been totally angry since.

Sunday night he sent me text messages about - in summary - me always leaving the room he is in and no kiss no i love you just direct information is this the way our life is going to be and maybe it's time for us to reevaluate and make a real decision and our relationship is starting to take control of who I really am (?) if you feel the grass is greener on the other side and want to explore that avenue ... .

and so on. Basically the same old story, him telling me how I've changed and our relationship has changed and is changing him etc.

I responded:

"You've been cruelly mean to me all week so I'm avoiding you until your mood passes. I've got nothing to explore, and believe that you might be directing other stresses on me without realizing it."

Monday morning he responded (while we were both at home):"So anytime I'm going through a rough time that's the reaction I'm going to get? It's funny how we can feel like a stranger in someone life."

** SO the question of my post ... . I haven't responded to this last text (about 24 hours ago). Should I respond? Or is that me participating in the drama (which is pretty much word-for-word of the same drama we go through sometimes every few months, sometimes every few weeks, sometimes every few days)? If I respond how do I respond? Do I need to re-validate or do I need to continue avoiding him til he calms down?

Any help or advice on the tools and what to do would be super helpful. I think he is holding out extra long on this because his best friend is currently staying with us and he can't look weak by giving in/forgiving despite his friend's advice to do just that. I am so tired of this feeling like a standoff and I don't know what to do now. I know most people would say that I should talk to him but like another poster said about writing a letter, putting messages into a text seems to defuse things and let him see what I"m saying better.

If you want the background on the bad week ... .

My introduction: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216963.0

Post about peak day before everything was ok (for one day): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216964.0

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Wow, what a tough time for both of you 

I need to think on what you are asking, but right off, I can see that you are doing a lot of invalidating and making responses to things he is saying that probably deserve silence.

He says you are getting up and leaving rooms when he is walking into them?  You are doing this because... ? What I mean is he attacking you in some way, or simply you are leaving in order to avoid him because you are worried about conflict?

He is presenting you with A LOT of opportunity for validating him. When someone is validated, they tend to calm down and be more receptive to discussion.

I am no expert, as you can see, I haven't been here very long. To the right of the page, there are links for helping with communication. It says tools, #3 communication, validation and reinforcement. If I were you, I would particularly focus on validation and SET.

Probably you are feeling pretty beat up yourself. It can be hard to overcome the need for validation and comfort for ourselves, but I think maybe the only way you can break this gridlock is to set your needs aside for the moment and focus on validation, SET and personal boundries.

Someone more experienced will probably come along soon, so hang in there, this can be  made better. 

[PacifistMom]

Thanks elemental. I'm new to this and that's why I'm here --- since he refuses to get therapy or even admit a disorder, I know that I have to change the way I respond to him which is 10 years of undoing for me.

I have never left the room when he came in. Only that we both smoke (no judgement please) and we do so outside, and I have not joined him for a smoke because I'm afraid to as I expect a barrage of nasty words when he is in this mood, and also I have been staying in bed until he leaves for work because he is especially abusive and prone to outbursts in the morning (even mornings during a good period).

He usually won't be too abusive in front of a friend so I guess in honesty I am using his friend as a bit of a buffer. I don't want him to break things or throw things in front of my daughter which he is apt to do in this type of period.

I have been acting peacefully and continuing about my routine at home, I'm still doing the same things like his laundry, prepping his plate even though every time I do he tells me to give his dinner to the dog (he eats in when I go to bed). 

[PacifistMom]

Rereading my post, I'm not sure if I was very clear - I am looking for advice on how to handle the current situation / if I should be doing anything

Do I reach out to him or just leave him be until he has calmed down?

Should I have responded to his last text message and should I now?

Should I remind him that I'm here for him but I need him to calm down before we can talk (boundary) and if so how do I say that?

Which communication tool can I use DURING this period or do I just not respond at all [other than direct and necessary information] even to texts?

I appreciate any insight and experience

[an0ught]

Hi PacifistMom,

Monday morning he responded (while we were both at home):"So anytime I'm going through a rough time that's the reaction I'm going to get? It's funny how we can feel like a stranger in someone life."

Well, first - is it a valid statement?

The "anytime" probably not and it is bound to upset you.

The rejection of your reaction is also not fair.

The last sentence is probably valid - at times you are close and at times you are not close at all. May have something to do with him doing 180ties but still it is valid.

Does it need a response? Not really. Not everything needs to be graced with a response we have a choice. This one starts with invalidation of you - it some sense a gauntlet thrown to your feet to pick it up.

Not all discussions need continuity. It may be so that you may have a bigger need for continuity (you even went to the board twice on it - you DO care about it) than him. It can be useful to keep that in mind - you do have the right in general and may face little resistance from a pwBPD if you just change the topic.

Sunday night he sent me text messages about - in summary - me always leaving the room he is in and no kiss no i love you just direct information is this the way our life is going to be and maybe it's time for us to reevaluate and make a real decision and our relationship is starting to take control of who I really am (?) if you feel the grass is greener on the other side and want to explore that avenue ... .

Very, very normal early reaction to leaving when conflicts are escalating. Yeah, it is indeed frustrating for him when you leave. It is ok to validate that. It is his problem to deal with. It is a change for him. You need to leave to attend to your needs. It is unrealistic to expect understanding from the pwBPD here and explain much. A ready made canned statement not blaming him but focusing on your needs might work best. It is really your business what you expose yourself to (don't use that sentence otherwise you are deep in JADE territory).

[PacifistMom]

Thank you an0ught. Do you have any examples of a good canned response?

Also what would be an example of language to use to validate that he is frustrated while reinforcing my boundary?

It's like learning a whole new language 

[an0ught]

Thank you an0ught. Do you have any examples of a good canned response?

Well, what works depend on your relationship and terms used there. The components should be

- focused on yourself to avoid him feeling it is about him. Saying it is  NOT about him is not going to work as he will here it is about him. So it is better if it is about you.

- signaling some return time. After all it is just a time-out. That helps also to contain abandonment a bit.

- not invalidating and short. It is going to a (semi-)dysregulated person so it can't be complex and long.

- it should be re-usable so it can become recognizable over time and so be surprising (surprise is close to fear emotion)

E.g. "I'm now getting really upset. Can't think straight, need to cool down. I'll be back in 2 hours".

This is validating (upset), is about you (avoids attacking him), is true (so you can stand fully behind it and your voice, posture don't betray you) and is managing somewhat abandonment.

Also what would be an example of language to use to validate that he is frustrated while reinforcing my boundary?

Boundaries are best implemented by doing. Discussing the boundary with a pushy and boundary confused person risks them thinking they are negotiable and not under your control alone. Not saying that it may be polite to point out where your line is but this is best done another time and is only to inform but not to discuss.

It's like learning a whole new language  smiley  

Talk is cheap.

Emotions are hard facts.

Behavior is more powerful that words.