7 months to the day after NC and I got a text. I almost passed out.

[emotionaholic]

There has only been one contact in 7 months and that was for her to get her stuff.

Today is my sons birthday and after dropping him off at school I get a text from the ex.  I did not get a chance to read it since I was driving but when her name came up all the blood left my head and I felt the all to familiar anxiety that I would get while I was with her.

It was a simple "Good morning I just wanted to wish _____ a Happy Birthday."

I was shocked that she remembered and had the guts to sent the message.  But that anxiety feeling, I had forgotten how horrible that felt.

I hope this is not the prelude to a recycle attempt.  I will never be strong enough to be with her again though I do miss her.

[strikeforce]

Its possible that she had put the birthday in her phone calendar and it came up as a reminder.

You might be safe 

[Learning_curve74]

Doesn't it take two people to re-enter a relationship or to recycle? 

[seeking balance]

  I will never be strong enough to be with her again though I do miss her.

Sometimes our greatest strength is in knowing our own limitations. 

Just breathe, there doesn't have to be more to this than what it is - honestly.  Go exercise and let that anxiety process... . you will balance out again.

[love4meNOTu]

Phew! That was a close one.

Now don't analyze what she was thinking. Not worth your time, just take a look at your reaction to it, perhaps that can give you more insight as to what you need to work on?

Hugs,

L

[sadinnc98]

Did you respond?

[Perfidy]

Emo... I had something like this happen to me too. An unsolicited text from the ex. Just out of the blue after months of zero contact. She was blocked immediately and then about a month later she tried to call me from her parents phone. This contact went un-answered as well. Explanation? Don't know. Don't care. Don't want one. I'd really like to sit here and go on and on about her reasons for doing this could it be a recycle attempt and so on and so on. Both times I experienced the same feeling of anxiety that you are describing. After so many years there are bound to be some vestigial feelings. I have no reason to ever want to speak with her again and I have totally lost track of her or what she is doing... . After the tumultuous time that we had with each other this is the greatest gift that I can give her and myself too. Sad. It's the win-win situation that I always wanted for us. I surely do understand the residual anxiety.

[strikeforce]

It could be a recycle attempt but most likely it was just her being nice in her own thinking and wanted to wish your son a happy birthday

[emotionaholic]

I did reply with a "Thanks that was thoughtful of you I will pass the bday wish on to _____."

Our kids are friends at school and the kid party is this weekend and I believe she has her son so she will most likely be dropping him off.

The anxiety feeling was to me a reminder of how destructive the relationship was to me.  Which was probably good for me to feel.  But the lack of closure still weighs on me, and I do want to have a conversation with her.

[seeking balance]

But the lack of closure still weighs on me, and I do want to have a conversation with her.

What does that conversation look like for you?

[emotionaholic]

The conversation I want from her is for a bit of clarity.  But I know it is pointless.  Since I found this place right after the end of the relationship I know too much about her and what causes her to do what she does.  I cant go down that road again. 

Getting that text just brought back the whole "Why did you end this over absolutely nothing" question that has always been there since the end.  Even though learning about BPD I know the reason.  I just want to hear an I'm sorry I messed up.  But like I said it is pointless.

[Octoberfest]

The conversation I want from her is for a bit of clarity.  But I know it is pointless.  Since I found this place right after the end of the relationship I know too much about her and what causes her to do what she does.  I cant go down that road again. 

Getting that text just brought back the whole "Why did you end this over absolutely nothing" question that has always been there since the end.  Even though learning about BPD I know the reason.  I just want to hear an I'm sorry I messed up.  But like I said it is pointless.

One of the cruelest realities about this ordeal is that many of us seem to seek the validation that, at surface level, only our BPDex's can give us.  We fell in love with these people, and they abused us.  In order for us to close the gap in our minds, to relieve the cognitive dissonance, we want them to admit their wrongs and apologize- because that opens the door to us being able to forgive and for those warm feelings of love to flood back in.  It is a mixed blessing that many pwBPD do not own their actions; it hurts like hell because we crave that apology/validation that it WASN'T US, but at the same time it makes it a little harder to go back and try things again.

[happylogist]

I am getting through the last email exchange I had with my ex with the desire to get some clarity and end things in peace after he sent me new year wishes and expressed desire 'to chat again since it is a different year". I think the only thing I proved to myself that clarity and closure come from outselves, peace is when we do not wish them ill and let them go. The email exchange again turned into some kind of victimized and accusing mind-game with so many mixed and confusing messages.

BUT -here is the most important -  the reason you feel discomfort and anxiety is your body saying that you are not ready for the talk, you need more time to heal. I did not listen to myself and involved into that talk causing hurt to myself.  Maybe one day you will be ready, but now your message was enough.

[asher2]

emotionaholic... . My heart skipped a beat when I saw your posting because the exact same thing happened to me. Seven months out from NC, she sent me a text about a city that she was in that I used to live in. Like you, I found it a bit unnerving and very odd. I didn't reply. I remember after I got that text in mid-afternoon, the rest of my day was shot. I found it hard to concentrate anything else. I couldn't believe she sent me a text... . I was convinced I'd never hear from her again.

What I now know is that she is engaged to my replacement and the text was sent in the process of her moving halfway across the country to be with him. I can now see (which I didn't realize that day) that she exhibiting classic BPD behavior. After seven months, she was "officially" making a leap to go move and be with him. She was probably scared out of her mind and was trying to revive anything that may be left between us. She was trying to keep me on the backburner "just in case". What is odd is that even though I haven't heard from her since, I still feel like I'll hear from her again.

My point in telling you my story is to be wary. What I've gathered in both reading about BPD and my own experience is that things with them are never as they seem. Ever. As others have said, the validation that you seek probably is never going to come - their minds and their worlds are too distorted. I'd recommend to proceed with extreme caution. I chose not to reply to the contact I received and I believe that if you can keep NC, stay with it. NC is for you and only you to heal and recover.

[emotionaholic]

I had many strange dreams about her last night.  But woke up clear on why I felt such anxiety when I recieved her text. 

I fear she will try a recycle and I dont think I am strong enough to resist.  That is what caused the anxiety.  I am still seeing the T we saw together so I am getting the support I need.  I have made a list of things that would be required to try again with her but they will never happen and from what I hear about her, her symptoms are getting worse.  I know NC is for me as much as it is for her.  That and my dating life is far to exciting to risk the good things I have going for me for more hell.

I do know I am getting stronger because,even though I miss her, I have not lost any sleep or fallen into any depression over recieving her text.  And the conversation I would have with her would not be very pretty.  I have not disconnected myself enough to have a simple chit chat conversation, it would be more of a "I know what is wrong with you and you will hate me for telling you this but here is your problem."