i didn't think i'd get over it. i spent months in the dumps, depressed, feeling i was at fault because i wasn't loving, understanding, open enough. I would just about get over him, and i'd hear from him again, or see him, and i'd remember the good times, and cry again. I'd remember the great sex, and think I'll never get any again.
I didn't think i'd live. And I wouldn't hear from him for awhile, and i would start living my life and get free. And then, of course, I'd hear from him... . he needed something, he was living in a place without running water, without electricity, sleeping in his car. Come home, i'd say, and he'd say no way. i never want to live there again. I'd end up fixing his car, or hiring him for a job so he could have money to tide him over.
One time after he texted me for something, i thought he needed me. He was quick to disabuse me of that notion. i texted back 'I guess i need to remember not to worry about you.' He showed up with six different reasons why i should be worrying about him, .
He gave the notebook computer i gave him away, because i gave it to him, and then he needed to come over to use my computer to get back on unemployment. Sounds funny, now. I would think, maybe we could get back together, and as soon as i thought it, he would give me seven reasons why we were never ever going to be together.
I started to catch some of the lies he would tell. I guess distance, and wiping the stardust out of your eyes will do that.
He was working at our show, and needed a place for the night, so i said he could come stay in my room, there were two beds; while i was driving him in he started in complaining about everyone and everything and i felt my stomach clench into a knot, and get so tight. And i thought to myself, my god, i used to live with this.
He would be helpful, help tear down the booth at the show. And he would bhit about the car i got for him, how terrible it was, and as soon as he could, he was going to get rid of it, but he needed money for a new tire, so i payed him extra. Not even thanks. But he did get a new tire.
I got home from working the holidays, spent two weeks in bed, and i thought, my god, i think i'm over him. And then i got the letter from the court that our divorce didn't go through, and there were problems to be fixed. And then he called, he needed to shower, because where he lived there wasn't any running water. I said come on over, shower, and we'll look at those divorce papers.
He showed up. I said, do you still want to be married? (I had tremendous guilt about serving him with the papers, even though he was the one screaming for a divorce). He said hell no, i've been trying to divorce you for the last three years. So I said hang out, while i type these papers.
Took me all day and into the night, and while i'm typing away on the divorce he said he wanted, i realized it was a lot like our relationship... . he's out sleeping, and i'm in here working.
I told him he left the picture of him and his daughter in the studio. He said he knew, and 'why do i care about her, she's dating Korean guys'. I just shook my head, went in, and finished the papers.
He said he couldn't afford storage. I said put your stuff in the barn. He said no, he'd just let the rent run out, and then he'd live under a bridge. I didn't offer him the use of the house at that point. I'd figured out he was just trying to make me feel guilty for everything.
WE got all the papers signed, and he drove off into the sunset. I love him as a human being. But i don't think i like him very much, and if i met him newly today, i don't think i'd be interested in him at all.
I think i'll live, and i think i'm over him. 10 years of mostly grief with some pretty stellar bits to make me think it was all worthwhile... . and really, he's just pretty lost.
When we were married, hummingbirds circled us... . i remembered Jamie Sams' book said it was an omen of joy. I met a real Shaman some time later... . he said when a hummingbird courts , the male does a spectacular show, flies way high up into the air, and dive bombs the female, then when he gets her, he f@#$s her into the ground and then flies away.
I'm gonna get that damn hummingbird tattooed to my arm so i don't forget, and when i see another spectacular display like that, i'm running like hell.
What did i get out of the relationship? Other than some pretty spectacular loving at the start? I realized my dad was probably BPD. Go figure. At least i got that cleared up.
