"forced" NC - am I supposed to respond?

[alicein1derland]

So as not to rehash everything from my original post on L1 New Members, under ":)isowned", I'll summarize:

I got a letter in the mail last week from my mother, officially “disowning” me.  Actually, she began the letter by congratulating me for not speaking to her for a year (had actually been LC - emails, FB messages, cards, but no calls), and then said that she’s decided to downsize the family. 

Right now, I’m alternating between feeling disbelief-shock/sad-angry/and also somewhat relieved.  I was thinking it was my fault for not contacting her sooner, etc, but really I had needed the time and space to figure out how I was going to deal with her going forward, and what it was I needed.  If she can’t tolerate her own anxiety and would sooner cut me off, then maybe I should accept, if not welcome, it?  I don’t know… still haven’t fully processed this.

So, I guess what I'm struggling with now is, am I supposed to "acknowledge" being disowned in some way?  Then again, would I be doing this for HER or am I doing it for ME?  If I am only going to contact her to appease her anxiety and relieve her pain, how does that help me?  At least most recently, I was thinking that for my anger, pain, and safety, that NC is the way to go, but obviously don't know the "right" way to go.

I think the description of FOG is right on.  I think I'm passed the F part, finally, but the O and G remain... .

Thanks,

Alice

[GeekyGirl]

Hi alicein1derland,

That's a very hard letter to receive.   My mother also uses the silent treatment as a form of punishment. It can bring on some pretty strong emotions, and I know how you can feel several things at once. You're not alone.

So, I guess what I'm struggling with now is, am I supposed to "acknowledge" being disowned in some way?  Then again, would I be doing this for HER or am I doing it for ME?  If I am only going to contact her to appease her anxiety and relieve her pain, how does that help me?  At least most recently, I was thinking that for my anger, pain, and safety, that NC is the way to go, but obviously don't know the "right" way to go.

How you respond is really up to you. One thing that I've learned is that a "tit-for-tat" argument won't work. If you do respond, you have to decide what message you want to send and then how to say it in a way that validates your mother's feelings without compromising your own. I've found that  (using SET TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) that saying something to the effect of, "I'm sorry that you're so hurt, Mom. When you're ready, I'm here," works better than fighting back.

How are you doing today? What do you think is the right way to go for you?

[alicein1derland]

Geeky Girl, your response made me tear up.  It's so comforting to get so much support on here, when my own FOO is completely dismissive/rejecting.    Thank you.

I'm OK at the moment.  Been reading a lot on here.  Also texted my one sib tonight and had a nice conversation.  Will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and telling her, so maybe I'll get some ideas to as what is the right way to go for me (or validation that my hunch to lay low for now is right).  Thanks again! 

[Catsmother]

After 5 years of NC, something made me get in touch with my mother. Well that was a mistake.

After identifying myself on the phone, she asked "what do you want?", my response "well that's not a nice way for a mother to greet a daughter" (okay, maybe slightly antagonistic, but then, in my 50+ years on this planet, she has never been the one to try to reconcile), her response "I could say the same" (interesting, when you consider that she has never made any attempt to make contact), then she said "I think too much water has passed under the bridge, bye" and then hung up.

So after all those years of emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, I think I can safely say that I no longer have a relationship with my mother.

Alice - back to your question. How strong do you feel? I did notice that you felt somewhat relieved. Is it because she has finally done what you suspected she has been "threatening" to do for some time? It is not your fault for not contacting her sooner. After all, if she didn't have this "problem" then she would have contacted you rather than wait for you to do it. This is her control over you. Her control is "getting you to make contact". Well you didn't, so now she is throwing this out there, and she is waiting for your reaction. And she is expecting that your reaction will be "oh please don't do this to me".

If you don't want to contact her, then don't feel obliged to. After all, if this was someone totally unrelated, then you would probably not contact that person again.

Good luck, it is a hard road to travel.

[alicein1derland]

Thank you for sharing your story, Catsmother, and for the support. 

I saw (one of) my therapist(s) tonight - I have a few! - and she actually thought it would be good FOR ME to respond.  She said like one line. So, will think about that, and will report back if I do and get any response... .

[GeekyGirl]

I'm glad to hear that you're working with your T, alicein1derland.  At the very least, she can support you and give you some advice from a clinical standpoint. That's great.

Let us know what you decide, and hang in there. 

[alicein1derland]

Thanks, everybody.

So, I saw my "2nd" therapist today - this one is individual; the other is family.  This one actually suggested responding when I want to, not necessarily right away.  She said my mother's letter was "cruel" (and "bizarre", she actually said that - which I agreed), and that my emotions are all "raw" right now.  So, I should take time to process everything.  This advice sounded better to me. 

Of course, her birthday is in Feb, which would be the next "dilemma", but I'll see this therapist again once before then... .

Alice

[enough abuse]

Based on my personal experience... . do you feel your response no matter what it says... . will just lead to agrument, pointing more fingers at you and how this is all your fault... . you are the cause of the "downsize"... . she is a great person but dosent deserve this etc... . etc... . my sister had to be blocked from my mom and my phone this fall because she was sending nasty nasty texts that would not stop and if I responded the back and forth over and over would never end... . you get no where... . and they never allow a problem to be resolved... . they do NOT want things to be better.

If this sounds familiar a response will likely just cause more pain

Good luck... . this is so awful... . good days and bad... . hang in there