He blocked me on facebook. Take it up with him or ..?

[elemental]

Boyfriend came back. Is at home. And for some reason I don't know of, sometime in the last few days, blocked me on facebook. I was initially very hurt and angry about it, then rallied. ( by remembering what I learned so far here)

He also explained to me today that he is still very upset at what I said to him almost a month ago. So he will talk, then he refuses to speak, citing that he is very low and still upset at me. I said ok and went to work, got on with life.

As I have already apologized, etc, I have not done so again and don't intend to. He did not apologize and appears to really be wringing every drop of angst he can out of this event.


Should I say anything about the blocking or ignore it? My gut says ignore it. probably not important in the log run. I feel I should ignore him till he pulls it together and is willing to interact without the angst. Could be a few weeks. Don't know.

What do you guys think?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Should I say anything about the blocking or ignore it? My gut says ignore it. probably not important in the log run. I feel I should ignore him till he pulls it together and is willing to interact without the angst. Could be a few weeks. Don't know.

What do you guys think?

My best advise is to PICK YOUR BATTLES.  Being "friends" on facebook really probably doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things!

[sadinsweden]

Ohhh Zencat. Been there, done that. My UBPDso and I have blocked and de-friended each other so many times on FB that it became embarrassing. I use social media as a marketing and networking tool for my business, so I couldn't let this continue. He hates what I post. I hate what he posts.

But FB is like heroin, isn't it? The last time he blocked me, I told him, ":)o not send me another friendship request because I'm done with it and I will not accept your request." And that is how it's been for several months now. It's better this way. FB should not be a weapon.

Most of his friends are actually my clients, neighbors, family and friends. He has few friends of his own except for the models, fake personalities, and playboy pinups (he calls them fitness models!) that he collects. As for how others see our relationship online,  I let those people make their own decisions as to my BPD's and my own behavior. I keep it up front and professional. I have no idea what kind of nonsense he posts, and now I don't see it, nor do I care.

My advice to you is to ignore it. And ... . Think long and hard as to whether or not you want to re-friend him again in the future. What would you gain? Perhaps now FB can be a positive place where you get to interact with family and friends on your own terms.

[SweetCharlotte]

My experience on FB with my uBPDh has been remarkably similar to sadinsweden's. It finally turned out to be less conflictive for us to not be friends on there. I use the site professionally as well. Occasionally, I post photos of us together to show that we are still together (and of course, my status says married).

Lately my H has made his wall public, so I can read all his posts without friending him. Best of both worlds! My only concern for you would be the fidelity issue. Does it make you think he is now using FB for hanky-panky?

[elemental]

I am letting it go. He barely even uses facebook. He was using it to communicate with me while he was out of the house. Most of that were those emoticons. I gave up on it, as I am not going to put myself out there to talk through emoticons.

I had a professional page there, but his ex kept creating profiles there to leave nasty comments, so I deactivated the site. 

Apparantly part of the current situation is that his ex told him he can't see the kids until he ditches me. So I am ambiguously part of his support structure and the one he loves, while at the same time being held at the point of conflict for why he is now not seeing the children.

It all logically comes down to sorting custody. He won't have very much money again for about a month. I make a lot more than he does, but he refuses assistence from me. I don't know if that is him trying to manage his own life, or if he doesn't actually want custody sorted for some reason.

[elemental]

And he is back to giving me the silent treatment. Last night it was hugs and kisses and this morning I do not exist.

Someone shoot me in the head before I show more upset to him than I already showed. 

[sadinsweden]

Yup... . gotta love the silent treatment. This used to bother me so much. It was certainly not the way I ran my life or settled things. In my past life, this type of stuff was just nonsense and completely unnecessary. But here in BPD world, all bets are off.

My UBPDso hasn't spoken to me now in four days. He pretty much sleeps on the couch or locks himself into our spare room. Why? Who knows. I rarely know why he's angry with me. This time it was because I greeted him at the door when he got home. He said I was attacking him. Whatever. It could be because I had a facial expression, or a tone in my voice, or I moved a piece of paper, or the wind was blowing in the wrong direction.

The way I see it, is go ahead, give me the silent treatment. I really don't care anymore. Just leave me alone and let me do my errands, my projects. Let me read my books and do my writing. Let me come to terms regarding my own personal development and for once watch a movie that I enjoy. His issues are NOT my issues. I just really need to STOP the ruminating (tomorrow I shop!)

This time, I'm not engaging. I'm not trying to "make nice" and I'm not going to reach out to him. Let him stay in that spare room for the next two weeks if that's what he needs to do. I have bigger fish to fry Zencat, and so do you. Keep the faith and here's a BIIIGGGG hug for you. Be strong girl.   

[Stamp]

No wonderful words of advice, but adding myself to those who have been blocked on FB by their BPD partners.  My partner blocked me for several weeks because I mentioned that something she had posted of FB had hurt my feelings (I should have just let it go, but I didn't).  Eventually she re-friended me, although she did not put me back on as her partner.  Interestingly, she maintained her status as my kids' stepmom on FB.  

[elemental]

Now I am not blocked. I have no idea why. I didn't say anything.

He is randomly engaging then appears to remember he is upset with me and refuses to answer.  I guess I keep getting pulled in because I think yay! We are getting better.

I don't know if I will try to re-friend. All I seem lately is getting rejected. Don't really feel like putting myself out there.

[Nonamouse]

I wish Facebook didn't exist. It is the source of so many fights, insecurities, accusations, etc. I only use it to post pictures of my kids and pray no woman under the age of 65 replies to them. Even when it's not me, she can go through there and get worked up by looking at other people's posts. It's really not worth it.

[SweetCharlotte]

I have to come out in defense of Facebook. It has made my social life so much easier. I hated having to phone people to respond to invitations, find out what they were up to, etc. In addition, I've lost some hearing and the phone is a little hard for me to use. With Facebook, I can message friends in the blink of en eye, I feel "connected" at any hour of the day or night . . . it even gave me my uBPDh, because I knew him from childhood and he used FB to contact me about six years ago. Since I'm not one of the people who regret having gotten involved with a pwBPD, I appreciate Facebook for this and many other reasons!

[Seneca]

just throwing my hat in the ring. a few months ago when he took it upon himself to go off his meds because "he was tired of me walking all over him" (then later, when begging for forgiveness, claimed he went off his meds because of the sexual side effects. ummmm... . no.), he decided to block me on FB so i couldn't see his status updates. we were still friends, but i was unable to see any of his activity. please.

then yesterday i click on my own page for something and see that i am listed as "married", but to no one in particular. i WAS listed as married to his name, which you could hen click on and it would link you to his page. wierd. so i mosey on over to his page, and lo and behold, i see he is NOT MARRIED anymore. greeeeat. just go all the way and unfriend me, jackwagon.   

one of the overwhelming feelings that i have about being in relationship with a pwBPD is that i am still in highschool. anyone else? 

[elemental]

yeh, highschool

I never saw these behaviors before I met him.

When they first happened, I didn't understand what he was doing. Like hanging up on me. I thought it was an accidental disconnection.

Out of all of the things he has done, it's actually the blocking that I snap over and go from in control while angry, to completly losing it to sheer uncontrolled rage. Boy has he been working me on that. Just thinking about it and I want to kick the crap out of him. Ugh. 

Anyway, complete silence from him today. He told me a couple of months ago that he refuses to speak sometimes because he feels such resentment towards me. I am going to let him sit in it today for sure. Would love to be speaking normally, but it is what it is. I have loads of things I want to do today and feeding into talking to him and getting ignored is going to drag me down, so I am not going to go there.

Eventually he will calm down enough to interact, so I am waiting for that.

[Southern_Belle]

Hi elemental, I feel for ya. I've had similar feelings to you about being blocked on FB.

Since August '12 I have been unfriended, blocked, and re-friended 13 times! I'm currently blocked. He said he can't take seeing me on FB because my actions are just "too hurtful." Meaning - he doesn't like any of my family or friends and can't stand seeing them being nice to me.

[elemental]

He still isn't talking. He is still depressed. I do see him picking up his activities on some things and have left him to it. I haven't said anything. I am just quiet to him because it really hurts to talk and be shunned. He would say he is still upset at me for a month ago.

I have some resentment over that. He's put me through a lot. I realize that people's feelings just exist, so I understand you feel how you feel. I would much rather be called a few names and told off than wake up day after day know my partner is cheating on me and doesn't really care how destructive it is or how agonizing it feels to get lied to in your face about it happening and gaslit.


Anyway that is stuff I am making boundries for myself about. I just won't talk to him if he goes back to staying over at his ex's again to see the kids. He hasn't for a month, and imo, he would do better to focus on getting stable and healing and getting strong for a very long time and put aside seeing the kids for now. I know it's painful to him not to, but going over there seems really destructive to him and by default me too. I support him as a dad, but I don't support those overnights.

Regarding face book. He just blocks. It's all a part of the angst. He is blocking to hurt me and I get mad at it. Otherwise he is fine with what I do there.

I have not seen him at all today. He is gone out of the house. No message left, he was gone when I got up. Don't know if he is at his mom's, on errands, or decided to pull the dragon's tail and went off to his ex's. Would love to know, but I am not going to bother hunting him down as it is futility and I will feel crap as soon as I start and he refuses to answer.

Things to do today for myself!

[SweetCharlotte]

I just won't talk to him if he goes back to staying over at his ex's again to see the kids. He hasn't for a month, and imo, he would do better to focus on getting stable and healing and getting strong for a very long time and put aside seeing the kids for now. I know it's painful to him not to, but going over there seems really destructive to him and by default me too. I support him as a dad, but I don't support those overnights.

I'm sure you understand that he cannot and should not put aside visiting his kids, even for a short period. Time lost while they are growing up is irretrievable. They need to know that he cares about them. The crux of the issue is for him to have normal, stable, legalized and regular custody/visitation. That could involve the ex bringing the kids to a spot halfway between your homes.

This has not been worked out, and it's symptomatic of how things are still "up in the air" regarding his divorce. Is this a good situation for you to be in? Isn't his marriage rather unsettled and in limbo? That would not be good for anyone's peace of mind.

You cannot make him go through with the divorce and work out the details of the custody agreement. You can only determine how you will deal with this.

[elemental]

He has been divorced for years.

I don't agree with the overnights.

The person who controls wether he sees the children or talks to them on the telephone is his ex. She refuses. She blocked him from it from early August until November because he refused to have sex with her. She wants him back, wants to remarry, wants 2 more kids.

I am sure YOU can understand it is a toxic enviroment for him to submit to in order to see the children. I don't have a problem with him seeing the kids. The overnights are poor boundries. Particularly under the duress from his ex who has made clear an unhealthy agenda.

At this point he appears to be struggling so badly, that indeed, I do not support him going over there at all.

He has been trying to sort custody for 2 years. He keeps running out of money for lawyer's fees.

[SweetCharlotte]

Oh, I see. So there IS a custody agreement in place, but she is not honoring it.

She could lose custody entirely for this kind of non-cooperation, virtually making hostages of the kids to suit her designs.

So sorry. Legal expenses can be prohibitive. Sometimes it is not necessary to take the non-cooperating spouse to court. Either the police or a U.S. marshal can in some cases intervene and make sure that the kids are handed over to the other spouse. It's part of law enforcement.

Either that or a pro-bono legal clinic (these are often run by law schools and sometimes even by fatherhood rights groups).

[elemental]

There is no custody agreement at all. When he divorced, he allowed her custody. This guy has been from frying pan to fire. Remember he is BPD? It doesn't make sense to me in terms of his actions, he simply has defaulted to whatever she wanted because she will cause massive dramas. And she loves it, is energized by the fighting.

And you are right. I can't make the guy do anything. All I learned after all this time, is just to get out of the way, detach, accept... what I am able to. And what I am not able to accept, I have examined myself on what and why. That is where my own values come into effect and as I keep telling other people here, there is where my boundries lie.


Seeing the kids is ok, staying overnights with a woman who is trying to get him into bed, after he already cheated on me once with her IS NOT OK. If it happens more, then it's me who won't be talking to him more and more.

I am struggling because I personally feel that these things are default settings on relationships. I accepted a lot out of fear of loss. I am to the point where I can't survive and stay engaged if he is staying overnights there. And I do expect it will come up again in the near future ( the next week, the next month).

I am upset today. Probably people can tell. He is around the house, but has not said a word to me. I am hurt and angry and avoiding him because of my own resentment, I think. Heart hurts.  :'(

[SweetCharlotte]

By definition a divorce includes custody arrangements and child support for each child born during the marriage.

Maybe he agreed to give her full legal and residential custody, with minimal visitation rights for himself. I have never heard of a divorce that did not specify some sort of visitation for the non-custodial parent, but I guess it's possible. Perhaps he bargained away visitation in exchange for having to pay minimal child support. Or the idea could be, if he does not press for visitation, she will not press for child support. Who knows.

In any case, it doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you as the current partner of this man. Please take care of yourself. Maybe you can take this particular episode of the silent treatment and make it mutual and long-term. 

[elemental]

We are not in the United States. (legally law is different in europe depending on country) I am not the other woman. And this is the staying board. I am staying or I would already be on the leaving board.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I will start a different thread if more things come up.

[joethemechanic]

And this is the staying board. I am staying or I would already be on the leaving board.

I admire your commitment