cheating

[necchi]

I denied it till 2 days ago, all the traits were in my mind, a portal to an other dimension. I got the answers from a fake account on a dating site

I was just overwhelm with a feeling of powerless,soul crippling sense.

I don't know what to do, this woman got all the best of me, i just cant get my mind off of all of the abuse,guilt trip, manipulations.

I'm  broke,trying  to work,but end up leaving work because i just cant function my life till ,i cant say now,have been an havoc... .

I need help,can't afford it,i don't see a light at the end. I want to live, but the last 6 years as drained the most of me.

It was all lies, all of it.

It just keeps hurting... and doesn't stop. I am so alone, no one understand,I lost  all

my friends, don't know what to  do,seriously,i don't know...

[Ironmanrises]

I am really sorry you found that out. I think mine was cheating too; I went immediate NC the day she discarded me and have not dared to peek. I would rather the answer be ambiguous. What made you decide to look into the matter?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it was all lies, but think about why.  A borderline is convinced, CONVINCED, that you will leave, because everyone leaves, not necessarily true in reality, but the same old tape they've been playing since infancy, they will be left and they literally don't know if they will survive, it is life or death.

So if you really knew that about her, how she really thinks, how worthless she thinks she is, you would definitely leave, so she needs to create a facade, put together from pieces of everyone she knows, you mostly during the relationship, because the real her is just not good enough, she's ashamed of herself, you would be ashamed of her, yet she NEEDS an attachment to survive.  Shtty place to be, but if you or I were in that same place, we'd probably create a fiction too.

And the cheating?  Nothing to do with you.  Another way to feel like she won't be abandoned, if she's convinced the people currently in her life will leave her, is to use her body to attract a temporary suitor and get lost in some physical bliss, a relief from her pain for a minute, and relief from abandonment feelings because the dude is all over her.  Short lived, fake, nothing to do with you.  Shooting heroin would do the same thing.

So now that you've seen into her world, seen things you didn't want to know, how can you take lessons from it?  What can you make it mean that serves you?  How can you focus on the future, a bright future without her?  One foot in front of the other my friend, take care of you.

[seeking balance]

I denied it till 2 days ago, all the traits were in my mind, a portal to an other dimension. I got the answers from a fake account on a dating site

I was just overwhelm with a feeling of powerless,soul crippling sense.

I don't know what to do, this woman got all the best of me, i just cant get my mind off of all of the abuse,guilt trip, manipulations.

I'm  broke,trying  to work,but end up leaving work because i just cant function my life till ,i cant say now,have been an havoc... .

I need help,can't afford it,i don't see a light at the end. I want to live, but the last 6 years as drained the most of me.

It was all lies, all of it.

It just keeps hurting... and doesn't stop. I am so alone, no one understand,I lost  all

my friends, don't know what to  do,seriously,i don't know...

Marinro,  I know all to well that deep pain and gut-wrenching ache you are feeling.  I remember calling my friend and literally being on my knees as I told someone what I found out - I was a mess.

What you do?  The basics - be with a friend, make yourself eat, take a bath, go outside and breathe, treat yourself with all the kindness you would anyone who just experienced this severe trauma.

Repeat to yourself - "her cheating is not about me"... . repeat it until you believe it, because it is true.  You are a worthy person and she made a very hurtful choice to cope with her own mental illness.

Take good care and you are not alone - many of us have had this same pain.

,

SB

[shellsh0cked]

I denied it till 2 days ago, all the traits were in my mind, a portal to an other dimension. I got the answers from a fake account on a dating site

I was just overwhelm with a feeling of powerless,soul crippling sense.

I don't know what to do, this woman got all the best of me, i just cant get my mind off of all of the abuse,guilt trip, manipulations.

I'm  broke,trying  to work,but end up leaving work because i just cant function my life till ,i cant say now,have been an havoc... .

I need help,can't afford it,i don't see a light at the end. I want to live, but the last 6 years as drained the most of me.

It was all lies, all of it.

It just keeps hurting... and doesn't stop. I am so alone, no one understand,I lost  all

my friends, don't know what to  do,seriously,i don't know...

Not true... . we've all been there man.  There's a WHOLE board of us that understand.  Hang in there.  Talk to us.  We can help!

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Marinro,

You, friend, are not alone. You took a big step in reaching out. Welcome. You are among some really great people who know the pain and suffering you are going through.

What you are feeling now is completely normal. You are in shock from this betrayal. I have been in your shoes. My wife of 6 years cheated emotionally and physically through much of the marriage.  Is cheating on me right now thinking I don't know. (We are in a trial separation period). She carelessly exposed me to potential disease. Not to mention the hurt from all the lies.

You have to first tell yourself, this person is not well. They have a problem, a serious mental health problem and it is NOT your fault. You never deserved this pain. In the coming days it is important to take care of YOU. Seeking Balance has so many great suggestions. Exercise, eat well, rest as much as possible, talk to anyone you trust about what you are going through. You do not have to be alone.

Today is horrible.  But it will get better.  I know because I've been there. We've all been there to some degree.  One day at a time.  It will get better.

[SimplySeattle]

People with B.P.D. think differently and process thoughts differently than "normal" people. I have been in a relationship with one until she hit me one night and that was the last I saw of her. We text now and then, but I refuse to be with someone that is not respectful. Just like in your situation, this woman did not respect you and decided to go out with others to get her fix and try to fill the bottomless pit of emptiness inside.

Be very happy that you found out now instead of becoming married to her and/or having a child with her; it's better to know now instead of finding out 20 years later. I also imagine that you experienced other behaviors from your BPD girlfriend besides the cheating. You are/were the healthy one in this relationship and the longer you would have stayed with her, the more it would have affected your own personal sanity.

Create some distance from her and you will start to regain your identity and feel better about yourself. Like the rest of us, you now have learned the behavior traits of someone with BPD. Use this experience when selecting your next girlfriend.

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear Marino, im so sorry for your pain, you are not alone,we know the depth of your pain as we feel it too... . I echo the sentiment of others, one foot in front of the other, please believe that even though this seems like the end of your world, it is in fact, a beginning.

[irishmarmot]

Hang in there and keep reading the posts on this board.  I just found out my expwBPD cheated on me a week ago.  I have not contacted her since and am taking things one day at a time.  The idea of NC is a good one because although I am hurting,  I am not living in her insanity any longer.  Any contact with her will open up myself up to be hurt again.  And make no mistake about it, we all were suffering while in the relationship.

[BeHappyAgain]

You came to the right place.

Remember you are in shock right now!

This shock and grief has real physical / emotional / chemical effects,

its not just 'in the mind' so feel ok about feeling terrible right now.

Start being good to you - make it your new project for now!

For a road map outta where you are right now this board is excellent. Also try;

The lessons [links are on the right hand side of this board]

[ii] Susan Anderson's book www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0425172287/abandonmentrecov

If you can't buy it right now - her web sites good too.

 x100   

[shellsh0cked]

Here is another one. 

www.dalkeithpress.com/tearsandhealing/default.aspx

I read this one myself... . It's worth the $20 price tag.  It's about a guy... . not a therapist or professional... . a guy just like us that dealt with an undiagnosed BPD.  This book was like a godsend for me.  I knew others had experienced what I had and that I could come back from it.  Good read.

[drv3006]

I am sorry this has happened.   From what I understand, once they start accusing you of cheating, lying and anything else, well its just an open confession that is what they are doing.   I truly believe that and probably should not.   I never had any proof that mine cheated except at his mother's funeral when some girl brought him dinner and he said they exchanged numbers when I was not talking to him (he was in some sort of text and voicemail rage that i didn't want to engage in).  So I just figured from then on whenever I stood my ground and did not engage, he founds someone who would.  Sad, but at least I stopped looking for it.  I knew it.

[ShadowDancer]

Heeltoheel,

                Your analogy of the helpless emptiness of this disorder is spot on concise and well thought out. Like a light in the wilderness I have observed your spirit growing brighter and stronger day by day. Thanx.

[Awakecj]

marinro7

I understand, you are not alone in this experience I have been there.

I am not one to give advice because I'm still suffering from the effects of such a deceitful relationship but I would like to say that as painful as it is to discover the truth about your woman, in some way it may be a blessing. It could be the information you needed to end an abusive r/s. I didn't discover the truth until I invested 33 years of my life to a marriage. When I found the evidence it literally brought me to my knees, however, if I didn't find that evidence I may still have been convinced to stay.

It is painful, gut-wrenchingly painful but life will get better and this forum is a great resource for expressing all your pain.

[necchi]

I've been n/c for 6 months. The smear campaign is as overwhelming. She is crazy but I'm the only one that know, my son to but he is 17, and 1 friend al i have.

I'm depress,just thinking going to the clinic looks like a mountain!

[shellsh0cked]

I've been n/c for 6 months. The smear campaign is as overwhelming. She is crazy but I'm the only one that know, my son to but he is 17, and 1 friend al i have.

I'm depress,just thinking going to the clinic looks like a mountain!

I am also familiar with the smear campaign.  So many people that I thought were my friends turned out to be just enablers for her and not my friends... . I found the 3 faced forkers in my life... . And as a result, I have put them out.  I got REALLY super pissed off when people started treating her like the victim.  She not only was abusive to me mentally and physically, but also she threatened my life... . smashed my windows out of my car... . and she was the victim?  Those people don't know me... . or my character, or they enjoy the drama at my expense... . whatever the reason is... . so screw them.  I have basically put them out of my life.  I'm nice to their faces, but they are NOT my friends.    

After all that she told a secret I had told her in the strictest of confidence... . "I will never tell anyone... . I will take that to my grave"... . well she must be a ghost, cause she told my friend and her sister... . I was so humiliated.  It actually turned out to be a good thing because I told a lot of people close to me and got it off my chest.  She has nothing left to fight with anymore.  She shot the silver bullet with that lie.  She only did it to to hurt me to project some of her garbage on me... . Hard to believe the cruelty that one person can spit out... . THat wsa really hard to comprehend how low she could go and I am sure with little to no remorse for any of it.  

Just remember all that will pass.  Always darkest before the dawn... .

[bettermentofsociety]

Can you stand one more "hang in there"?  But brother, believe me I feel ya! 

[necchi]

Thank for your kind words, and sorry to those here i said "they don't all cheat" !

,

It seems the disorder just gets worse. Any thoughts?

[Moonie75]

I'm confused. You've been No Contact for six months? But just found out she is on a dating website, currently, now, in the present time?

I know this is upsetting & am sorry if I've missed something here.

I understand the search for replacing us is upsetting. But don't understand how her searching six months into NC is cheating?

[necchi]

I made up a fake account (call me crazy) and spoke to a guy she used to make me jealous, well turns out she just didn't make me jealous

[fromheeltoheal]

Heeltoheel,

                Your analogy of the helpless emptiness of this disorder is spot on concise and well thought out. Like a light in the wilderness I have observed your spirit growing brighter and stronger day by day. Thanx.

You're welcome Shadow, and thank you.