Lost my s%#t now I feel like crap

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had a total lapse tonight  :'(. My dBPDh made it through Christmas for the first time ever without a meltdown. We had 2 weeks holidays with my kids and it was bliss. We had a few minor tiffs which we both stepped up from and came back together without too much drama. Life was wonderful and we were happy! In the last few days before my sons went on holidays with their Dad, I sensed some growing stress but I thought   once the boys were gone he would have some time to himself and re-regulate.

The GIANT backlash snapped into place the morning they left. He got straight on his computer and started ignoring me. I think the wonderful time we had prior really made the snap seem so much the more shocking and painful. It was like being woken up from bed and being lunged into ice water. I had totally let my guard down. He morphed straight back into his selfish, egocentric, silent treatment, persona. Needless to say there was an argument and I asked him to leave. It has been out of control since. Both of us.

Him raging, accusing me of having BPD, overdrawing the accounts, wanting to cuddle, promising he loves me more than anything, staying out all night etc. I stayed away last night to have a rest.

I lost it today, big time. All my measures like blocking his texts and staying away from home, not engaging in mad conversations, I just failed to do them all.

I had dinner with a male friend twice and lunch with a female friend another night and now he is accusing me of an affair. He used examples of things he saw around the house as proof and went through my phone. He saw some texts from me to some girlfriends complaining about him and that escalated things.

So, in the end, I snapped. I raged back at him and left the house. He bated me by text and instead of blocking him like usually do I asked him to stop and told him I wasn't going to get into an argument with him and then proceeded to get into a text slanging match. I felt so angry I really lashed out at him. I agreed I was creating the option of an affair and told him since he has always encouraged me to sleep around (like he has) then I might just do it. I called him impotent (he has had some trouble since he started on anti-depressants), I said things that I know he is sensitive about and I brought up the incident with the prostitute that happened 6 months ago. I just felt wild and attacked him.

I feel so ashamed. No matter how he behaves towards me, I just don't want to me "that person" that acts like that. I know I have made this meltdown worse. I acted in a way that makes me feel horrible about myself. I could feel the pressure he was exerting on me with his interrogations and relentless questions and demands and I stayed engaged, knowing what it does to me.

When I act like this I am not better than him. I f'ed up and I hate myself.

[HoldingAHurricane]

I had a total lapse tonight  :'(. My dBPDh made it through Christmas for the first time ever without a meltdown. We had 2 weeks holidays with my kids and it was bliss. We had a few minor tiffs which we both stepped up from and came back together without too much drama. Life was wonderful and we were happy! In the last few days before my sons went on holidays with their Dad, I sensed some growing stress but I thought   once the boys were gone he would have some time to himself and re-regulate.

The GIANT backlash snapped into place the morning they left. He got straight on his computer and started ignoring me. I think the wonderful time we had prior really made the snap seem so much the more shocking and painful. It was like being woken up from bed and being lunged into ice water. I had totally let my guard down. He morphed straight back into his selfish, egocentric, silent treatment, persona. Needless to say there was an argument and I asked him to leave. It has been out of control since. Both of us.

Him raging, accusing me of having BPD, overdrawing the accounts, wanting to cuddle, promising he loves me more than anything, staying out all night etc. I stayed away last night to have a rest.

I lost it today, big time. All my measures like blocking his texts and staying away from home, not engaging in mad conversations, I just failed to do them all.

I had dinner with a male friend twice and lunch with a female friend another night and now he is accusing me of an affair. He used examples of things he saw around the house as proof and went through my phone. He saw some texts from me to some girlfriends complaining about him and that escalated things.

So, in the end, I snapped. I raged back at him and left the house. He bated me by text and instead of blocking him like usually do I asked him to stop and told him I wasn't going to get into an argument with him and then proceeded to get into a text slanging match. I felt so angry I really lashed out at him. I agreed I was creating the option of an affair and told him since he has always encouraged me to sleep around (like he has) then I might just do it. I called him impotent (he has had some trouble since he started on anti-depressants), I said things that I know he is sensitive about and I brought up the incident with the prostitute that happened 6 months ago. I just felt wild and attacked him.

I feel so ashamed. No matter how he behaves towards me, I just don't want to me "that person" that acts like that. I know I have made this meltdown worse. I acted in a way that makes me feel horrible about myself. I could feel the pressure he was exerting on me with his interrogations and relentless questions and demands and I stayed engaged, knowing what it does to me.

When I act like this I am not better than him. I f'ed up and I hate myself.

[Tolou]

Holding a Hurricane... . Wow sounds like theres a lot going on there and sorry to hear that you are going through this cycle.''

Hating yourself will not help you, when people around us are acting irrational and we feel manipualted by their words, actions and behaviors, it can turn us into mean and hurtful people sometimes because of the resentment and anger we build up.  Anger is healthy, it is because it emotion that we don not want to build up for too long, sometimes it does need to come.  Try not to get too down on yourself, the lunches with friends, continue to have them, we need that outside perspective and rational thought to remind, us, "we are not crazy" their behavior is not normal.  Anytime people have personality disorder their mal-adaptive behaviors have an affect on those people who are around, expecially those who are closest to them.

Continue positive ways to channel your enrgy and don't let the projection get inside of you.  So you blew up, it happened, own it, move forward.  You did it because you can only be pushed so much.

No it doesn't feel good when we lose our cool, but thats all about them becoming the "victim" and turning it right back against us!  That is not reality though, it is far from reality that you sticking up for yourself makes them the victim, but they will lead you to believe that your the wrong one.

Stay rational, stay realistic, be incontrol of what you can, you... . We can not control their behavior.

[lena7]

I think it's impossible not to snap every once in a while. We're human after all, and it's very hard to live with a pBPD 24/7... . Every person is different, and there's only so much we can take before we snap.

I know you feel bad, but remember that you're only human, and being living with somebody who often treats you the way you described is a lot to take.

I am in a similar situation, and might have to see a therapist. There's a lot of emotional damage and psychological trauma he inflicted on me. What about you, are you seeing a therapist?

[Surnia]

Hi HAH

Wow, what a escalation. I would feel bad too. Dealing with myself lashing out anger is so difficult for me.

Like others said, we are only human. Sometimes it happens.

After the first storm is over I try to look back to ask myself: Is there something I really feel bad, so perhaps a apologize is needed? What was it exactly what brought me to explode?

Sometimes it leads me to a trigger from the past, sometimes to thoughts about boundaries, sometimes to big despair or disappointement.

Again, its hard and it can happen.