My first therapy appointment - What should I say?

[kay62105]

I'm feeling very anxious, nervous and excited for my first therapy appointment today.  I have no expectations for the outcome of just one appointment but it took a while to get me scheduled and I have really been looking forward to having someone to talk to about everything.  I feel like each day with the help of this place and other materials I read, that I get stronger and closer to being able to let my SO go as well as continue working on myself and my issues from the past and for me, most importantly, the new issues I've develpoed from my current relationship. 

I really hope that therapy helps me become even stronger so I can get over the hurdles I face everyday, move on and start healing.  Really looking forward to some learning and soul searching.

Anyone have stories about their first appointment? Where should I start? I feel like if I just dive into everything I've been experiencing and going through then I'll be at my first appointment for over 24 hours .  Any tips on reeling that in and what points I should make on this first appoinment?

[maxsterling]

I am assuming this is individual counseling?  Just be honest.  That's the only way to get help.

My first counseling session - I remember it was after one of her rages, I went to work the next day, and finding a counselor was my top priority.  I was confused about the relationship, and scared. 

I'm not sure what her rage was about that time, but I can guarantee during part of it she said that "I don't know how to communicate" and that "every other boyfriend she had could communicate better than me."  And because I felt that I was having a difficult time communicating with her, and had the same difficulty with a previous girlfriend, I was believing that this was my problem.  And my girlfriend had also suggested I go to therapy to work on communication skills.  I knew of NPD at the time because my previous girlfriend definitely had NPD characteristics, but never heard of BPD.

I chose the counselor I did because the office was close to my work and I could see her that week.  I went into her office, told her I was having difficulty communicating with my girlfriend, and she asked me to describe some of the incidents.  I think I was talking for about half an hour, watching the therapist grimace when I said some things, and eventually she said, "I can't teach you how to communicate with someone who screams at you.  It sounds like she has some serious issues, and in my opinion a personality disorder."  She leaned over to her bookshelf and pulled out a book titled "I hate you don't leave me" and said that the title alone describes what is going on. And she was right.  Many of the rages involved her screaming and telling me she hates me and how horrible I was, but the minute I said I wanted to leave or break up, she would scream at me and threaten to kill herself for kicking me out.

About two weeks later my girlfriend was talking about her mother's mental illness, and I asked if her mom was ever diagnosed with anything.  And my girlfriend replied, "yes, she was diagnosed with the same personality disorder I have been diagnosed with."

Honestly, I wish I had taken steps at that point to end the relationship. 

[Obibens]

My advice would be to try to be as even keel as you can.  I think this will help ensure you are not giving the therapist with too much of a one-sided bombardment against your SO.  Try to present some things from both sides.  Give him/her the background of your life that led you to this relationship.  It's hard to do this, and my therapist had to direct me back on track a few times, because we finally feel like we have the chance to have someone actually 'hear' us! :-)  Also remember, this is just the first step.  One of many sessions and you don't have to get it all out at once.

Remember, the goal is to help you address the issues you have that either keep you in this relationship and allow this abuse/manipulation.  I've been with my current therapist for almost a year and I still have so much to do.  BUT - I know my self-esteem is so much better, I have put some boundaries in place, and I feel good about myself because I KNOW I am working hard to either make the realtionship better, or know that I gave it my absolute all.

Good luck! 

[kay62105]

Maxsterling:

Thank you for sharing.  That is awesome that your therapist was able to see what was going on, give you that book and help you see what was going on.  I'm hoping for some same clarity in my life.  My boyfriend never admitted at first to having a problem. It wasn't until a few repeated offenses where I couldn't fathom how the offenses could be done again after him being soo "sorry" that they happened the last time.  That's when I started digging a little deeper and actually saw some things where he told someone else that he thought he had BPD. Finding out about BPD had opened up a whole other world for me and at first I thought it was going to be great to put a "lable" on his actions and mistakes and make it easier to forgive, but the more I find out the harder it gets and then the more I ask myself, "Why the hell were you thinking this would be an excuse for someones hitty actions?" That led me to therapy the most. 

Are you still with your girlfriend? How has theraply played out for you? Has it helped more?


Obibens:

That is great advice! Most of me just wants to dive into the recent stuff and what is at the forfront of my mind but you are right, the goal is to address my issues and not bombard with caddy relationship stories all at once.  I will take that with me today, be honest, show both sides and remember that this is the first step and not feel like I need to get everything out at once. 

I'm glad you are doing better! That your self esteem is higher and that you are getting to the places that you want to be at with the help of therapy.  I hope to come back sometime and have that to say for myself.

[maxsterling]

Yes, I am still with her.  While I think ideally I would like to keep working on this relationship, I'm on the "undecided" board because I know that if her behavior does not improve, I can't stay in this relationship. 

I've been seeing this therapist since about last May.  And it has helped.  I see her now once a month, mainly just to have someone to talk to and to have someone remind me to stay on my path.  The biggest values to me is to have the therapist explain to me what is going on in my girlfriend's head, why she is reacting the way she is, and remind me that she is unlikely to change, and needs serious help, and that her problems are very serious, and she must own them, and that I can't fix them. 

She refrains from being blunt, but she is at times.  She tells me that I am being manipulated and abused.  The last session she told me that I am a very articulate communicator, and in her opinion I have no issues there, and that the relationship issues are due to her mental illness.  She reminds me to take care of myself and that I cannot stop the rages.  The therapist has also been helpful in predicting my girlfriend's behavior - telling me the way she is likely to react to certain events.  And she is almost always right. 

[gary seven]

Kay:

I hope it goes great for you.  Just be yourself.  Explain what you can.  They usually do a lot of listening and don't say much, they don't hand you a secret code to open the safe, or give you the powerball numbers.  It takes a while. 

[living in the past]

 Good for you, i hope your appointment went good, i had my third session yesterday,it went good ,was a little nervous,the therapist theats people with art therapy combined with talk therapy, you draw while you are talking ,and i try to listen better,its all new to me, but i believe it will help me. thanks for posting.