And Now.. Painting Me Grey

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Perfidy i can see how you could come to the conclusion of a gradual separation. and i had a whole response written but then i got busy, walked away and read it and i kind of felt like a crybaby, . so here's the cliff notes   i had to live my ex for 2 months after separating, in a few weeks she had already found a replacement. it was *not* a gradual separation. it was hell. she used every opportunity to rub in her new r/s and devalue me. i had to go to bed next to her and she would leave his stupid gifts on our (ahem, *my*) bedstand conspicuously so i would see it. she would leave sex compatibility books open "accidentally" for me to see. she would taunt me during 'friendly' conversation where she was soo nice to me and tell me how amazing her new bf of 12 days was with not-so-subtle suggestions that she felt "safe with him because i finally found someone i can trust" (trust was our biggest issue). she would giggle and laugh like a little girl in bed and everywhere else as they texted back and forth, and this guy was completely whipped and under her thumb so he texted literally like 50 times a day (not exaggerating much there). she would disappear and lie about her whereabouts--and i was so poisoned i would stay out with friends for 10-12 hours at a time; only to come home to our poor dog who hadn't eaten or been let out to use the bathroom all this whole time. it was technically her dog but i loved that dog and that was just selfish and mean.

trust me it was no 'gradual separation'. it was her living behind on rent and taking every opportunity to twist the dagger. i couldn't WAIT to get that 1234 out of my house

[goldylamont]

Perfidy i can see how you could come to the conclusion of a gradual separation. and i had a whole response written but then i got busy, walked away and read it and i kind of felt like a crybaby, . so here's the cliff notes   i had to live my ex for 2 months after separating, in a few weeks she had already found a replacement. it was *not* a gradual separation. it was hell. she used every opportunity to rub in her new r/s and devalue me. i had to go to bed next to her and she would leave his stupid gifts on our (ahem, *my*) bedstand conspicuously so i would see it. she would leave sex compatibility books open "accidentally" for me to see. she would taunt me during 'friendly' conversation where she was soo nice to me and tell me how amazing her new bf of 12 days was with not-so-subtle suggestions that she felt "safe with him because i finally found someone i can trust" (trust was our biggest issue). she would giggle and laugh like a little girl in bed and everywhere else as they texted back and forth, and this guy was completely whipped and under her thumb so he texted literally like 50 times a day (not exaggerating much there). she would disappear and lie about her whereabouts--and i was so poisoned i would stay out with friends for 10-12 hours at a time; only to come home to our poor dog who hadn't eaten or been let out to use the bathroom all this whole time. it was technically her dog but i loved that dog and that was just selfish and mean.

trust me it was no 'gradual separation'. it was her living behind on rent and taking every opportunity to twist the dagger. i couldn't WAIT to get that 1234 out of my house

[Turkish]

Perfidy i can see how you could come to the conclusion of a gradual separation. and i had a whole response written but then i got busy, walked away and read it and i kind of felt like a crybaby, . so here's the cliff notes   i had to live my ex for 2 months after separating, in a few weeks she had already found a replacement. it was *not* a gradual separation. it was hell. she used every opportunity to rub in her new r/s and devalue me. i had to go to bed next to her and she would leave his stupid gifts on our (ahem, *my*) bedstand conspicuously so i would see it. she would leave sex compatibility books open "accidentally" for me to see. she would taunt me during 'friendly' conversation where she was soo nice to me and tell me how amazing her new bf of 12 days was with not-so-subtle suggestions that she felt "safe with him because i finally found someone i can trust" (trust was our biggest issue). she would giggle and laugh like a little girl in bed and everywhere else as they texted back and forth, and this guy was completely whipped and under her thumb so he texted literally like 50 times a day (not exaggerating much there). she would disappear and lie about her whereabouts--and i was so poisoned i would stay out with friends for 10-12 hours at a time; only to come home to our poor dog who hadn't eaten or been let out to use the bathroom all this whole time. it was technically her dog but i loved that dog and that was just selfish and mean.

trust me it was no 'gradual separation'. it was her living behind on rent and taking every opportunity to twist the dagger. i couldn't WAIT to get that 1234 out of my house

Wth, goldy? I guess at least mine wasn't quite so in my face, though I saw her browser history a month ago searching sex postions. And she's been sleeping on the couch. Since august... . still thrown her stuff in my face in other ways. I thank you all, because if I didn't hear almost indentical stories here i'd think I was the one who was crazy.

[Ironmanrises]

Turkish? It's probably just the caretaker in me. I just know what you are in for. Like you said about taking a long time to process. Can I ask you... . I mean... I experienced shock because of the sudden transformation. You are like... . gradually separating. Do you think the shock is lessened this way? Are you looking forward to physically being apart?

YES. We both are. My house got robbed again tonight. First time was the day before thsnksgiving. She took pics of the mess and posted them to fb. Her boy toy texted her while she was talking to the cops. She had one of those stupid validation videos running on her phone, so it was unlocked. I saw his name, but didn't read the messages. After the cops left talked custody, a productive conversation, then devolved into a half hour bs argumernt which basicalyy boiled down to how I was a bad communicator which justified everything she did. I am home alone sans her (who cares) and my kids because I have two broken windows. I'll post the details of the convo tomorrow when I have time... . as a lesson to those who look for logic and closure... . utterly impossible! In a nutshell... . I got robbed again, and all this bad stuff happened (like her mistake she's taken responsibility for... . kind of like a politician, because she is still doing it, because I'm a bad communicator.

Life sux right now. At least I still have a job. God, send me an angel because I need one!

I am so sorry that happened to you again Turkish. And to have to deal with her and the little douchebag guy on top of that; only compounds the mess. We are here for you my friend. She projected the bad communicator role onto you.

[Perfidy]

Who the hell is robbing you Turkish? Do you think it has anything to do with your domestic situation? I know I was being set up. Not trying to get you paranoid but stuff like that happens. I just hope you are safe buddy and your kids are ok too. Geeze!

[delusionalxox]

"arn131arn, you are an abusive person. toxic at times. but there is still hope for you. perhaps one day you will realize how you are the cause of these problems and i support you if you want to seek help".

I did try that one, out of my codependent compassion and rationalist mindset which includes the disordered belief that surely anyone, even a medium-functioning BPD with narc features, can see the light eventually.

The effect was comparable to a nuclear blast in the face and the fallout has continued!

I don't blame you Turkish, for not communicating. May I commend you for your maturity and patience with her. You have behaved impeccably, yet managed to get out of the FOG in a way so many of us have not. I will look to you as a bit of a model from now on (believe me I need them!)

[delusionalxox]

So sorry to hear of the crappy domestic situation too Turkish and burglary. Not what you need right now eh. Even the strong like you deserve a break and I sure hope you get it soon.

[Turkish]

Turkish? It's probably just the caretaker in me. I just know what you are in for. Like you said about taking a long time to process. Can I ask you... . I mean... I experienced shock because of the sudden transformation. You are like... . gradually separating. Do you think the shock is lessened this way? Are you looking forward to physically being apart?

YES. We both are. My house got robbed again tonight. First time was the day before thsnksgiving. She took pics of the mess and posted them to fb. Her boy toy texted her while she was talking to the cops. She had one of those stupid validation videos running on her phone, so it was unlocked. I saw his name, but didn't read the messages. After the cops left talked custody, a productive conversation, then devolved into a half hour bs argumernt which basicalyy boiled down to how I was a bad communicator which justified everything she did. I am home alone sans her (who cares) and my kids because I have two broken windows. I'll post the details of the convo tomorrow when I have time... . as a lesson to those who look for logic and closure... . utterly impossible! In a nutshell... . I got robbed again, and all this bad stuff happened (like her mistake she's taken responsibility for... . kind of like a politician, because she is still doing it, because I'm a bad communicator.

Life sux right now. At least I still have a job. God, send me an angel because I need one!

I am so sorry that happened to you again Turkish. And to have to deal with her and the little douchebag guy on top of that; only compounds the mess. We are here for you my friend. She projected the bad communicator role onto you.

she has a  little point to it.  but the conversation was still how I  was supposed to do a  through z,  including getting us into couples counseling. I  may not post the convo.  so tired today.  the thieves got a  broken shotgun,  and a few hundred bucks little things.  one window fixed,  the other board.  friends drove two hours to support me.  true love,  not need based.  uncomfortable  with everyone there but it was ok.   cleaning broken glass night and then again today in the light. it was evrrywhere.  Sat up until 4am  by myself.

thanks everyone for your support.

[Turkish]

Who the hell is robbing you Turkish? Do you think it has anything to do with your domestic situation? I know I was being set up. Not trying to get you paranoid but stuff like that happens. I just hope you are safe buddy and your kids are ok too. Geeze!

it was a different crew,  probably related. I  kind of expected this if last time they saw evidence I  had firearms.  They only got the cheap Chinese shotgun sitting in the closet.  everything else was locked up.  my buddy and his wife too must everything else with them since they move rurally and in a  gated community. I expect they  may come back again.  this time, I  am going to tape signs to the  back Windows stating guns removed,  and that the cops spent two hours collecting prints and blood samples.  might see about camera system,  too,  though that might not stop it either.

as for the idiot, I  highly doubt it was him,  but when she was in the other room, I  told the cop in 30s  what was going on and gave him the idiot's name  and the college he goes to.  the cop said it was worth at least a background check.  if they actually talk to him and it gets back to her,  that will be interesting... .   but I  have every right to protect ME  and my KIDs.

[Perfidy]

Yes you do have the right to defend yourself. I'm sorry it has to be like that. Damn it Turk, positive thoughts for you and your family. Makes it hard to trust when things like that happen. World full of crazies. One thing after the other. It's no wonder so many people stay screwed up. I feel lucky that I've even had the luxury of grieving and healing! My counsellor said that she sees a lot of people that have ongoing problems like drugs and alcohol because of un-resolved grief. She has certs for DBT and CBT. She treats BPD. I like her because she's very open minded and has had a long career. I asked her if she thought I was BPD and she said that I had issues but BPD was a much more serious dx. Maybe there is hope for me after all?  

I sure hope the best for you.

[Turkish]

Yes you do have the right to defend yourself. I'm sorry it has to be like that. Damn it Turk, positive thoughts for you and your family. Makes it hard to trust when things like that happen. World full of crazies. One thing after the other. It's no wonder so many people stay screwed up. I feel lucky that I've even had the luxury of grieving and healing! My counsellor said that she sees a lot of people that have ongoing problems like drugs and alcohol because of un-resolved grief. She has certs for DBT and CBT. She treats BPD. I like her because she's very open minded and has had a long career. I asked her if she thought I was BPD and she said that I had issues but BPD was a much more serious dx. Maybe there is hope for me after all?  

I sure hope the best for you.

Of course there's hope [for you]. As my old .sig used to say "there's still hope because its the one thing no one has figured out how to kill yet."

The unresolved grief comment is interesting... . that is a good way to think about our pwBPD... . and also about ourselves!

Conerning our situation, my X thanked me a little while ago for taking care of everything, that she knew it was a lot to.deal.with (she's using SET on me). I thanked her for thanking me. We were both sincere, and I didn't feel weird taking the validation. Of course, being ever the CoD, I also said, "sorry about all that last night. That was a very stressful situation. Its a wonder we don't get into those kind of conversations more." She nodded, which was her form of an apology.