Ugh... a step back

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

4months NC.  About a month of feeling really good and no more hurting. My brother saw her shopping at MY grocery store the other day and told me. Then today I look on one of her friends FB pages and see a recent picture of her smiling. The sinking hurting feeling came back and has been with me most of the day. I don't know why i tortured myself but I am paying for it. I am so sad.  I know I can never date her again and I also forced her to not talk to me anymore but it hurts so bad today. I need to refocus my mind, but for some reason I just want to feel the pain right now.

I just want validation that I mean something to her. I want her to hurt.

[Waifed]

4months NC.  About a month of feeling really good and no more hurting. My brother saw her shopping at MY grocery store the other day and told me. Then today I look on one of her friends FB pages and see a recent picture of her smiling. The sinking hurting feeling came back and has been with me most of the day. I don't know why i tortured myself but I am paying for it. I am so sad.  I know I can never date her again and I also forced her to not talk to me anymore but it hurts so bad today. I need to refocus my mind, but for some reason I just want to feel the pain right now.

I just want validation that I mean something to her. I want her to hurt.

[arn131arn]

I spoke to my ex's father today about custody rights. I am nOt feeling to good either. It seems like a lifetime of dealing with this. I hope to feel nothing, as well.

[Ironmanrises]

I am sorry you had to come across that. Reread the accounts on here to remind yourself that the pwBPD will portray that "pretend" happy appearance when within they are anything but happy. Hang in there.

[arn131arn]

Ironman brings up a great point here. She called my mother very angry and in a panic two days ago. Angry at her, angry at me. She's just plain angry at the world. BUT when she's with my replacement, she puts on a facade I'm sure. So, remember they are the ones in pain all the time everyday, fearful, and fake. We are not, we can choose to be.

[myself]

Waifed, sorry to hear this. Please remember that it was pain that ended the relationship, and got you to take all those steps forward the past 4 months. This is only one step back. It's temporary. Think about all the steps you already took, and the ones you will still make. There may be other days like this to come, but the farther out you are the less they will affect you. Feel it. Accept it. Keep moving. Hang in there. Believe in yourself.

[Johnny Alias]

Go easy on yourself.  She did a number on you. You've quite literally been brainwashed. People in cults undergo the same initiation.  

You're still in the land of the living. In fact, you're free. You're free of being tortured. You're free of being abused for when you do bad and when you do good and when you've done nothing wrong at all.

Just remember in the long term it would have destroyed you. Truly.

I have a friend with a BPD mom. He grew up in hell and still has anxiety issues to this day. She would rage at him when he was little. His dad became an alcoholic and is still with her.

He's a shell of a man with no backbone, no opinion, no strength left to stand up for himself.

He just asks her "what do I have to do to make it stop?"  And then does whatever she asks. He's a toy. A slave. A pet she can kick around whenever she wants.

And he can't leave. He already tried. He'll die without her. Getting the abuse gives him a reason to be... .

Do you want to be this man?  I don't.

My ex BPD cheated on her husband who was in remission from cancer... . With me... . For a year. She painted him as a monster and I believed her. He might have been an unscrupulous person but didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve what she did to me.

What we endured left wounds that are still fresh. They will heal. There will be scars. You're not as pretty or innocent as you once were... . But damn it all if you aren't wiser.

You could have wound up like my friends dad... . And your future kids could have been as mentally damaged as my good friend. He still cries to this day.

God now I'm effing tearing up. It's so HARD to realize it wasn't real. She wasn't real. We were in love with a fantasy. It's hard for all of us. I'm very alone without much family left. My best friend died recently.

I thought she was the one I could raise a family with so I wouldn't be so alone... . And I still miss her... . Or at least the idea of what she was.   k. Now I'm crying. Damn.

[Lol4fun]

Waifed I know what you mean. It's hard seeing them happy when we are hurting. Maybe they truly are happy or maybe it is just a facade. For me I want that apology & acknowledgement of what he put me through and to know like you said that I meant something. I remember mine staying over on a Friday night & things were great then he went & did his stuff on Sat & I did my own thing... . But, bc I napped/caught up on sleep he decided that it was unattractive bc I didn't do the things on my to do list yet I did them on that Sunday. Because of that he ended things that Monday and had a new GF by the following Monday. Did I mean anything I don't know I know today it hurts and all I can do is cry. Because I feel like a failure & he even said it's my fault it didn't work and my personality is why none of my relationships worked. How do you get that out of your head and trust yourself moving forward with any future relationships? Is he right am I that damaged and unloveable? I wish I had the confidence to say f you and to live a great life as it's the best revenge. I just can't stop comparing myself to the new GF with the fancy law dgree who works in the legal dept for a very prestigious university while I'm just a special ed teacher with a mediocre salary. Defeated is what I feel.

[Lol4fun]

I should add this all happened 2 days before Christmas the first year I didn't get to go see family. I have/had never felt so alone. Greatfully, I had a friend that had me over. Still wasn't the same as I thought I'd spend the day with him. Did he care no and that's what hurts the most. Add to it I've been stuck at home by myself for the last week due to bad winter weather!

[State85]

Sorry to hear about this Waifed.

I'm like you, I wish I could see her hurting, feel my pain. I just have to assume she is or will at some point. I know it's not fair, they aren't fair... . but we have to be strong!

Hang in there. We're here for ya!

[Waifed]

Thank you all so much for the support. I feel like you guys are family and I come here to vent among those I feel comfortable with. Many of you who have been here for the past few months have become brothers and sisters to me. It's like we were meant to come together at this point and time to lift one another. It is so nice to be able to share our lives, stories, hurts, triumphs, and our innermost feelings with one another.

It has been a tough day.  The biggest frustration is feeling like you have beat this only to find out that the wounds are still fresh. I will be strong again soon I have let my mind again convince me that all of the horrible things that she has done to me were acceptable. They are not. I am going to write them down again.

We are strong. We didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it (al anon).

Thanks again

[RecycledNoMore]

Waifed  feel the pain its ok

REMEMBER the visciousness behind that smile

Im sorry your going through this, your posts have always been wise and level headed, a source of comfort for me and others here, so thank you.

[Turkish]

4months NC.  About a month of feeling really good and no more hurting. My brother saw her shopping at MY grocery store the other day and told me. Then today I look on one of her friends FB pages and see a recent picture of her smiling. The sinking hurting feeling came back and has been with me most of the day. I don't know why i tortured myself but I am paying for it. I am so sad.  I know I can never date her again and I also forced her to not talk to me anymore but it hurts so bad today. I need to refocus my mind, but for some reason I just want to feel the pain right now.

I just want validation that I mean something to her. I want her to hurt.

Her pain, which she brought with her into your r/s and marriage, had nothing to do with you. Do you think it went away? She hurts, and she always will, her own private hell. We stepped into the illusion of heaven, were burned by the hellfire.the difference is that we can heal. The scars remain, but we can leave. They are trapped, especially betrayers like ours.

[Waifed]

Thanks recycled and Turkish. You both are so right. They really are not who we have built them up to be. There is some sadness in that also. It makes it all seem like such a lie, but it will always be real in my head. Ugh!  Today will be a day to refocus.

Thanks again

[Pretty Woman]

Waifed,

  I echo the sentiments of the other posters... . you are so strong and supportive on here.

It's been appreciated 

I know, I know. You want that validation but they are so incapable honey. Their smiles mask an endless pit of unhappiness. It's all a facade. It's all they can do to get through their misery and sadness.

You have a chance to be really, truly happy. She doesn't. If anything try to shift your focus to compassion for her. It truly is a sad disorder. I mean this is a core wound from childhood neglect and abandonment. It is not a mental illness. Medication cannot fully fix how she has grown and developed.

This was beyond you and if you were blamed like most of us were I know it hurts. But it really isn't you.

Who is the one with no friends?

That is what helped me get through. If I was so awful why is she alone and I am surrounded by love?

[Waifed]

Waifed,

  I echo the sentiments of the other posters... . you are so strong and supportive on here.

It's been appreciated 

I know, I know. You want that validation but they are so incapable honey. Their smiles mask an endless pit of unhappiness. It's all a facade. It's all they can do to get through their misery and sadness.

You have a chance to be really, truly happy. She doesn't. If anything try to shift your focus to compassion for her. It truly is a sad disorder. I mean this is a core wound from childhood neglect and abandonment. It is not a mental illness. Medication cannot fully fix how she has grown and developed.

This was beyond you and if you were blamed like most of us were I know it hurts. But it really isn't you.

Who is the one with no friends?

That is what helped me get through. If I was so awful why is she alone and I am surrounded by love?

You are sweet Pretty Woman.  You are also right about needing to have compassion.  I know she is damaged but it is so hard to see it in a photograph, especially when she looks so good and is smiling.   I feel bad for her because instead of seeking help she continues to live a life of denial.  I have to let it go and move on.  I am doing much better today.  My mind is still churning but the hurt is gone again. 

[Turkish]

You are sweet Pretty Woman.  You are also right about needing to have compassion.  I know she is damaged but it is so hard to see it in a photograph, especially when she looks so good and is smiling.   I feel bad for her because instead of seeking help she continues to live a life of denial.  

As do most of them. It really hits me emotionally (in a good way), when the few BPD sufferers seeking help make it to the newbie board. In all but a few instances, we gently direct them elsewhere. But it gives me hope that one day... . perhaps one day... .

That is why I stay away from reading the BPD support sites as some do here. I think it would just feed my pain, and trigger my anger.

[Waifed]

Turkish

I understand what you say about BPD sites triggering you.  For me they have been a great source of info into the minds of a borderline.  I have pretty much processed everything there is to process and have logically reached a point to where I know my relationship would never work without her being in therapy (and with a couple of years under her belt).  I had held out hope that she would reach out to me for help (I offered it on a couple of occasions), but now I know that she is in denial and probably always will be. I hope that I offered because I care for her and not for selfish reasons. 

Because your SO knows that she has internal issues, it might be a good opportunity to push her towards a BPD therapy setting.  I had always envisioned setting up online visits with AJ Mahari for my ex.  They are private, she is a recovering BPD (so maybe a borderline feels like they could relate) and she is well known in the Borderline community.  In my fantasy world this would be enough for the ex to motivate herself to get better in a setting that is safe.  It is probably to late to save your relationship but it might motivate her to improve her health.  Probably wishful thinking... .

[Turkish]

Turkish

I understand what you say about BPD sites triggering you.  For me they have been a great source of info into the minds of a borderline.  I have pretty much processed everything there is to process and have logically reached a point to where I know my relationship would never work without her being in therapy (and with a couple of years under her belt).  I had held out hope that she would reach out to me for help (I offered it on a couple of occasions), but now I know that she is in denial and probably always will be. I hope that I offered because I care for her and not for selfish reasons.  

Because your SO knows that she has internal issues, it might be a good opportunity to push her towards a BPD therapy setting.  I had always envisioned setting up online visits with AJ Mahari for my ex.  They are private, she is a recovering BPD (so maybe a borderline feels like they could relate) and she is well known in the Borderline community.  In my fantasy world this would be enough for the ex to motivate herself to get better in a setting that is safe.  It is probably to late to save your relationship but it might motivate her to improve her health.  Probably wishful thinking... .

When I saw the HMO therapist the other day (to get referral to a men's support group), I shared what my "diagnosis" was. She said that in the HMO, they don't diagnose BPD specifically and didn't seem to tell the patient, but they steer such patients towards DBT therapy. All in all, this is what I finally came to conclude: stop focusing on the diagnosis and rather on the behaviors. The DSM categorizations are really just buckets into which behaviors are grouped and then named.

[Waifed]

Turkish

You are so right.  I keep telling myself its a mental illness but in reality no human should have to put up with this behavior from anyone.  Its like I keep trying to give her immunity when in reality she is just a self absorbed horrible woman who will continue to use people to fulfill her needs whether she "means" to or not.

[Turkish]

Turkish

You are so right.  I keep telling myself its a mental illness but in reality no human should have to put up with this behavior from anyone.  Its like I keep trying to give her immunity when in reality she is just a self absorbed horrible woman who will continue to use people to fulfill her needs whether she "means" to or not.

This is a tough one... . and I'll probably wobble on it for a long time.

To give us peace: their behaviors were and are unnaceptable (and all the stuff you just said).

To have compassion: it is a mental illness.

Neither ultimately has anything to do with us.

For Justice, as some or maybe most of us here probably feel: They take the illness and themselves with them. Nothing will change. They are who they are. Whether they ever realize it as we do (and a few do, very few) is irrelevant to us as well.

[Waifed]

Turkish

You are so right.  I keep telling myself its a mental illness but in reality no human should have to put up with this behavior from anyone.  Its like I keep trying to give her immunity when in reality she is just a self absorbed horrible woman who will continue to use people to fulfill her needs whether she "means" to or not.

This is a tough one... . and I'll probably wobble on it for a long time.

To give us peace: their behaviors were and are unnaceptable (and all the stuff you just said).

To have compassion: it is a mental illness.

Neither ultimately has anything to do with us.

For Justice, as some or maybe most of us here probably feel: They take the illness and themselves with them. Nothing will change. They are who they are. Whether they ever realize it as we do (and a few do, very few) is irrelevant to us as well.

Well said.  My emotions are all over the place these past two days.  I am to the point at this moment that it is what it is and I just want to feel better.  I never thought I would hurt like this again over her.  It just makes me so sad.  I am just so tired.

[myself]

Compassion for mental illness, which we may lose if we become too ill ourselves.

My emotions are all over the place these past two days.  I am to the point at this moment that it is what it is and I just want to feel better.

For a pwBPD, this would be when they would make a worse decision than the bad decisions they've already made. Worse because it adds more pain than it subtracts. What have you been able to do to help yourself through this?

Emotions can be huge. They collide sometimes. Like when cold air and warm air make thunder. It's more than intense when so many of them are going off at once. Things will calm down again. You can see it as you needed the rain to help your crops.

Here is a quote I shared in another thread, it makes a lot of sense.

"An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted." -Arthur Miller.

[Moonie75]

I see it like this... . Ultimately, recycles hurt us, every time, no other ending, it's as certain as death! (and feels pretty close to dying too).

When we finally at some point have truly left the table because we can't eat any more $hit sandwiches... . And not even their finest foods of seduction can tempt us back... .

That's when they hurt! That's when they feel pain! Because in their own way at some point they did do their very best to love us, and our permanent absence is yet another reminder that they failed again.

Yes they hurt. When we stop!

[Waifed]

Nice quote Myself. I am coming to terms with the illusion.

I decided to just let my emotions do their thing today. It was sad but I feel much stronger at the moment. I decided today that I am finished researching BPD. I am full. I spent 4 months lying to myself about why I kept researching. I think I am excepting letting her go for good. No more thoughts of getting her into therapy, hoping that she isn't really mentally ill, or hoping that I can fix things. Like someone mentioned on another thread, her actions over the past three years are more than enough justification for moving on even if she wasn't mentally ill.

I don't hate her. I don't want her. I am close to forgiving. As unreal as things were I miss "it".  I have spent 4 months trying to figure out what "it" was. I never figured "it" out but it just doesn't matter anymore. Peace at last maybe?  

Moonie

This is another thing I have been trying to figure out. Do they hurt when it's over?  Never no for sure but it would have given me some much needed validation. In my case I think she did hurt. She would never have gone to the cops otherwise!

[Moonie75]

I don't think it's simple as 'they hurt when it's over'.

When it's over they thin k they can always recycle us & we're available if they try enough.

It's when ALL recycle attempts fail & the game really is really up!

They hurt when we're TRULY GONE FOR GOOD!

[myself]

They hurt ALL of the time.

Even when things are going well.

I don't do that. Do you?