Twisted sense of the truth

[coastalfog1]

Sorry, I just need vent. I’m so confused and I need help understanding, do they really believe there lies? She’s put ad after ad up claiming to be one age and yet taking pot shots at people for lying about their age, namely me. Not that I did. She’s always accused me of everything she is doing. I don’t get it.  I’m so angry and frustrated and sad. I’ve ruined my life over this woman, and that’s on me and I have to figure that out. But I don’t understand how she believes her own lies. Part of me is so angry I want to turn her in for all the drug and alcohol abuse, I won’t but god I’m hurting and she never gave a ___ about me. Sorry for the language.

[Waifed]

Sorry for your pain. It will drive you crazy trying to figure out what they feel or think is their reality. Their manipulation really makes it difficult to know what is real to them. Unfortunately your mind will process and process until it heals itself. As much as you would like to get even, don't act on it. You will be glad later that you didn't. It gets clearer then gradually better. Hang in there. Remember there WILL be pleasure after the pain.

Also, she did care about you and probably still does. Imagine living a perpetual life of having partners that you are constantly convinced will eventually leave you. Stability is impossible when you have this feeling.

[coastalfog1]

Thanks for the advice. I’m not going to retaliate, I just never thought she was capable of dishing out such excruciating pain. I don’t know who this person is and why she’s trying to hurt me any more than I am.

[Ironmanrises]

Sorry, I just need vent. I’m so confused and I need help understanding, do they really believe there lies? She’s put ad after ad up claiming to be one age and yet taking pot shots at people for lying about their age, namely me. Not that I did. She’s always accused me of everything she is doing. I don’t get it.  I’m so angry and frustrated and sad. I’ve ruined my life over this woman, and that’s on me and I have to figure that out. But I don’t understand how she believes her own lies. Part of me is so angry I want to turn her in for all the drug and alcohol abuse, I won’t but god I’m hurting and she never gave a ___ about me. Sorry for the language.

That is projection. She will believe the lies because it has to make sense through the BPD lens she is viewing you through. It hurts. I know. Hang in there.

[myself]

Imagine living a perpetual life of having partners that you are constantly convinced will eventually leave you. Stability is impossible when you have this feeling.

It's a self-fulfilling prophesy. They were right. They make it happen. Poor them. They're rewarded where they put their efforts in. In pain.


Coastalfog, are you out of the relationship or is it ongoing?

Take the focus off of her and put it on yourself. That's said a million times around here because it's one of the best moves to make. It cuts through confusion, releases tension, and gets us where we need to go. When we spend too much time listening to what someone else is saying, we do not spend enough time listening to ourselves. When it is someone who is hurting us, it's that much worse. Just because they're projecting doesn't mean we have to be their screens.

You don't know who she is because she doesn't know who she is.

I'm sorry, there are no easy answers here.

We can't let this stuff permanently affect us. We'll grow out of it.

Vent. Ask questions. Understand this as well as you can.

We all only get so far, then we do something else.

[coastalfog1]

Hi Myself,

I've been out the relationship for 36 hours. I know I need to examine my part role in this disaster, I just didn’t expect her to be so damn vicious. I hurt so badly and she has convinced herself she’s the victim. She has a new person in her life already and yet she feels the need to take public shots at me knowing I’ll see it. It hurts and overwhelming right now. Thanks for the input.

[love4meNOTu]

Sorry, I just need vent. I’m so confused and I need help understanding, do they really believe there lies? She’s put ad after ad up claiming to be one age and yet taking pot shots at people for lying about their age, namely me. Not that I did. She’s always accused me of everything she is doing. I don’t get it.  I’m so angry and frustrated and sad. I’ve ruined my life over this woman, and that’s on me and I have to figure that out. But I don’t understand how she believes her own lies. Part of me is so angry I want to turn her in for all the drug and alcohol abuse, I won’t but god I’m hurting and she never gave a ___ about me. Sorry for the language.

I hesitated to reply since this is such a trigger for me.

Here's the hard part. The pwBPD does believe what they are saying. No amount of truth, no amount of video evidence, no evidence from the mouths of your children, will ever convince them that their memories are faulty.

It's a primitive defense / coping mechanism. If they were to admit the truth to themselves that they are twisting thoughts in their minds it would break them. I'm not kidding. It would literally break them. These are the earliest defense mechanisms they used as small children.

When you view it this way, does it become somewhat tolerable?

I don't know what else to say. I struggle with this every day. My exhwBPD says I abused him. I've never even spanked my children, nor have I ever struck anyone. I pushed him away from me twice, in two different situations. That's the small kernel of truth.

My exhwBPD is the classic, eternal victim.

I know how hard this is.

L

[State85]

Coastal

Listen to these people. We've been there. Do not retaliate, step back... . take a breath.

Hang on.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Myself,

I've been out the relationship for 36 hours. I know I need to examine my part role in this disaster, I just didn’t expect her to be so damn vicious. I hurt so badly and she has convinced herself she’s the victim. She has a new person in her life already and yet she feels the need to take public shots at me knowing I’ll see it. It hurts and overwhelming right now. Thanks for the input.

coastalfog1,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is very understandable and normal to feel hurt and overwhelmed.  I was a wreck after my breakup, the pain was excruciating. This is too fresh right now to examine your part, in my opinion.  There is time for that soon enough.   

Right now, take good care of yourself – sleep, exercise, a hot bath?  Just breathing.  Write out your feelings, vent, and read all you can about BPD. 

We can't take away the hurt, but we're listening, and we care. 

[arn131arn]

Sorry, I just need vent. I’m so confused and I need help understanding, do they really believe there lies? She’s put ad after ad up claiming to be one age and yet taking pot shots at people for lying about their age, namely me. Not that I did. She’s always accused me of everything she is doing. I don’t get it.  I’m so angry and frustrated and sad. I’ve ruined my life over this woman, and that’s on me and I have to figure that out. But I don’t understand how she believes her own lies. Part of me is so angry I want to turn her in for all the drug and alcohol abuse, I won’t but god I’m hurting and she never gave a ___ about me. Sorry for the language.

That is projection. She will believe the lies because it has to make sense through the BPD lens she is viewing you through. It hurts. I know. Hang in there.

Mine told everyone I was the abuser and she was the victim.  When a woman abuses a man, it's called silent abuse.  Unfortunately our society doesn't make themselves aware of it, neither do the courts.  I asked my P today if the silent treatment for 6 months was abuse.  He said he was surprised I made it 1 month

U will get better.

[Free2Bee]

We're all in this together, Coastalfog - my heart goes out to  you.

I was in a really bad place last night, feeling completely empty and hopeless. My 'breakup' (such as it is: she refused to say either way what she wanted, so I ultimately made the decision) was just last week and I'm pretty sure she's gone back to her previous gf as a replacement. It's likely they were together last night. Hurts like hell. It *is* hell... .

There's very little comfort for ___ like that, but I've found that it's helpful to better understand the dynamics of BPD. Someone else already said it - projection is a big part of it. When she pins her stuff on you, that's what's going on and it's very common with BPD. I'm sure we all have stories around that trait.

The sad truth is, you can't view this like you would a normal relationship or a healthy person because it's not and she's not. Every time she does something bizarre, you have to put on your 'BPD Glasses' and see how it fits into the disorder.

Sometimes, I feel like my ex is some kind of alien and I'm an anthropologist, trying to figure out her rites and customs. 

Most important thing: It's not about you, it's *never* about you. Her behaviour is driven by her own needs *always*. Her neediness, her fear of abandonment, her low self-esteem - these are the things that cause her to act out and hurt the people closest to her.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you're totally okay and you'll get through this. We're with you - hang in there!

[Waifed]

Thanks for the advice. I’m not going to retaliate, I just never thought she was capable of dishing out such excruciating pain. I don’t know who this person is and why she’s trying to hurt me any more than I am.

Coastal

This was one of the hardest pills for me to swallow too. Her actions over the last two weeks were unlike anything I had seen in the previous 3 years. It is a feeling of betrayal.  I didn't know her anymore. It makes you question the existence of the entire relationship. I believe what happens is the mirrored mask of you comes off as they are trying to find a new identity. Their true identity comes out during this transition. It is a self of pain and anger.

[love4meNOTu]

I didn't know her anymore. It makes you question the existence of the entire relationship. I believe what happens is the mirrored mask of you comes off as they are trying to find a new identity. Their true identity comes out during this transition. It is a self of pain and anger.

Like waifed, I too saw a completely different person emerge when my xhwBPD began dis-regulating.

This man who was so happy with me sometimes that he was giddy... . spewed hate and venom at me. Called me the most disgusting names I have ever heard.

I look back at it now and I see someone who is absolutely tortured. By their own thoughts, their paranoia, their fear. I feel such sorrow for him. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.

It's taken me a long time to come to this place, where I no longer blame myself for what happened. I can't go back, I can't help him. Wish I could have. This is the one sorrow of my life that may haunt me for decades. But, that being said, I have a life to live and two wonderful children who need me. I couldn't help my ex, only he can do that, and I do pray for him daily. Who knows what will happen, we have a lot of years on this planet to get it right.

Now I"m gonna get my tail in gear, roust my kids out of bed and take them out to breakfast. Because for too long I have been sad, and I am their mom, I've got to show them how much I love 'em.

God bless,

Lyn