Do you think they know why... re:NC

[State85]

I often wonder if my exgf knows why I am NC or at least LC.

Surely, I would think, when she's alone and not getting attention... . just alone with her thoughts, she understands the reason I don't contact her, or don't want to talk to her. After the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse... . after the property damaged in my house, the devaluing, belittling, and the humiliation... . after the lieing, deceit, and rages... . surely she knows or understands why I am NC? Surely she understands that she screwed up, that there's no way I'm coming back, that I'm hurting... .

I want to believe she understands why, I want to believe that when she is alone she knows she screwed it all up.

Or am I just being naive in thinking this, and just wasting my time trying to figure out anything she is thinking.

[sun seeker]

  They are totally aware. They just lie to themselves to the point the start to believe it. They have to for self preservation. I had the same thoughts untill  I visited a forum for creatures who have BPD. And holy crap trust me they know. Being split back was the best thing that ever happened to me. Stay N/C and things will get MUCH BETTER I promise!

[seeking balance]

just alone with her thoughts, she understands the reason I don't contact her, or don't want to talk to her.

so, in this alone time a pwBPD feels shame at a much deeper level than you or I - it is so painful, that her brain will use a defense mechanism to stop the pain.  That maladaptive coping mechanism may look like projection, cutting or some other way to stop the pain.

After the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse... . after the property damaged in my house, the devaluing, belittling, and the humiliation... . after the lieing, deceit, and rages... .

surely she knows or understands why I am NC? Surely she understands that she screwed up, that there's no way I'm coming back, that I'm hurting... .

sure, she has moments of clarity in all this and believe it or not, you are falling into the path she set up.  Abandonment - real or perceived - is a cornerstone belief and you fulfilled this for her.  She always knew you would leave.

I want to believe she understands why, I want to believe that when she is alone she knows she screwed it all up.

Or am I just being naive in thinking this, and just wasting my time trying to figure out anything she is thinking.

Learning the facts of the disorder helped me truly understand how much of this is not at all about me.  BPD is not something that I would wish on anyone... . it exists just to deny itself.

I watched a recovered pwBPD speak one time and it was during the DSMIV 9 criteria time.  She was highly intelligent and had all 9 traits, yet could not see any of them.  It took her months of therapy to get her brain around her behavior looked like the traits.  I am not talking recovery, I am talking just the time to see the traits in herself and she had all 9.  Her name is Tami Green and she has a lot on youtube that is very eye-opening.

I know you are hurt and it is not easy to walk away from someone we love.  Trying to figure her out without truly understanding the facts is going to be crazy-making on your part. 

Peace,

SB

[Ironmanrises]

State,

She will not view the NC in the way you are. Especially if she is viewing you through the post trigger lens, where in her mind, you are to blame.

[State85]

I get that ironman... . I'm sure she probably will blame me.

I know it's a good thing... . but why has she gone NC on me? In the past, and during this breakup, she was always in contact with me... .

Don't get that... . always thought if you ignored them it would drive them crazy... .

[Ironmanrises]

Did she find a replacement? Is she getting that attention from other friends/family(enablers) and thus no longer needs it from you? NC isn't for you to drive the pwBPD crazy, it is to give you the space in which, if you are of mind, to start healing.

If she has gone NC on you, it is either A) she found a replacement(I know it hurts to contemplate this), B) she is getting that attention from close friends/family(usually enablers) and does not trigger her disorder, or C) both A and B.

I haven't heard anything directly from my exUBPDgf in almost 6 months of NC. Has she found someone else? I would rather not know. The ambiguity hurts me less.

[State85]

I'm sure she has a replacement, likely more than one. Never stopped her from contacting me before. She always had to have someone lined up.

[Ironmanrises]

Careful what you wish for. Her contacting you sets you up for a possible re-engagement.

[myself]

I told her why. She sees it her way. There's room for both.

[RecycledNoMore]

It exists to deny itself

Thanks ironman.

[Changingman]

They know and they don't care at all.

My daughter 15 said of her

'She was so full of emotions'


Poor her

None of them mean anything at all, shallow as s***, sadistic, empty of humanity.

[Free2Bee]

My ex was actually married to a foreigner when I met her - the woman left and went home a couple years ago, wrote one note saying she would never come back (and if you're thinking, 'Wow, Kai, THAT should have been a  for you!', you're absolutely right  ).

Anyway, this wife of hers has been NC for years and my ex would often talk about her. She herself was convinced that the wife was horribly mentally ill and that's why she left, or sometimes it was because the wife wasn't really a lesbian, or sometimes she said that the wife was too heavily influenced by her (crazy) family.

The list went on and on, but here's the thing: The NC was *never* due to my ex's behaviour. She never talked about what caused this perfectly stable woman to 'suddenly turn into a nutter'. She always turned the blame back on the wife.

My ex was also NC with her *first* wife too (I know, I know, another  ... . ), to the extent that she  wouldn't go to a close friend's funeral because she might see her first wife there. She had 'reasons' for that lack of contact too (her ex was 'mentally fragile'.

And she was NC with both her parents - because they're both 'crazy', of course.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that our ex's probably do think about why they're NC with us, and they think it's because *we're* the ones with the problem. At least, this has been my experience.

I'm absolutely certain my ex is telling everyone she knows that I'm a nutcase and she's lucky she got away from me. I'd stake money on it. It hurts like hell, but I know her past behaviour and it fits. And she's probably with someone else - she might have been with her while we were still together, actually. I'm pretty trusting, but the signs were there. 

Ouch, ouch, ouch! :-(

[State85]

Kai,

You're probably right... . I'm pretty sure I'm getting painted black all over the place with the my replacement(s), her friends, and her family. Well, maybe not so much her family... . since when we were in a r/s her dad called the cops on her twice to have her removed from their house... . nice daughter, right.

But, all I need to know is what I know... . and I know the truth, and somewhere deep down so does she... . she obviously chooses not to accept it, or she denies it. But I guess it would be some kind of validation if I somehow knew that she understood why I don't contact her... . doesn't matter at this point, cause she isn't contacting me... . and I'm starting to realize this a GOOD thing.