Always a crisis to be found

[ApChagi1]

Lately it seems I just can't go more than a day with some kind of major meltdown from my dBPDw.  This morning she was crying and yelling how I ignore her because I didn't respond while she was talking in the bedroom and I was in the bathroom, with the door closed, in the shower, with the exhaust fan running.  I truly honestly did not even hear her, but she believes that is just an "excuse" and I don't care about her.  She also told me she tried to talk to me after I had fallen asleep last night and that I was ignoring her then too and she had to stay up until 4 am deciding if she should leave me. 

I was late getting to work because I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that I am not ignoring her.

I am just so tired of the constant accusations.  It is destroying my self-esteem.  I feel she has managed to convince both her personal therapist  and our marriage therapist of how terrible I am.

I see my own therapist for help with depression, and to vent and seek guidance with how to achieve better outcome with my wife. 

I have gone from being fit, healthy, and active, to gaining 25 lbs, rarely exercising, eating junk, and feeling like crap all the time.  I have tried to reach out to my wife's mother, who I have a good relationship with, but she immediately blames herself and starts apologizing for "what she did" to my wife when raising her to make her how she is. 

When I try to take care of myself in healthy ways, I get accused of being selfish.  I don't know what to do or where to go anymore.

Sorry for the long rant, I just had to get it out.

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[Wrongturn1]

That's pretty crappy, ApChagi1.  I agree with you, there is always some crisis going on, and another one right around the corner.  Someone on the "undecided" board recently made a great point that being a victim seems to be part of the BPD identity, so during times when there is no crisis and therefore no reasonable way to play the victim, they feel very uncomfortable until they are able to manufacture a crisis and assume that victim role again.

The examples you listed were completely conjured up by your wife... . nothing you could have done to prevent them.  Be careful not to apologize for anything that's not your fault, and if I were you, I would think twice about even reassuring her in those situations because it provides positive reinforcement of her manufactured crises.

[waverider]

What do you do with these accusations. Do you try to defend yourself repeatedly?

Sometimes accusations are just a cheap shot way of forcing you to interact with them. It is not really about the accusations themselves.

I have gone from being fit, healthy, and active, to gaining 25 lbs, rarely exercising, eating junk, and feeling like crap all the time.

Your first priority is to make a conscious effort to reverse this. You can't fix anything without fixing yourself first. If you get accused of being selfish, ask yourself do you really believe this? If so, why? Is it because you really believe a mentally disordered mind is a better judge that yours as to what is, and what isn't selfish?

Believe and trust in yourself as a worthy person. You are valuable to you even if no one else appreciates this. Learn this first

[guitarguy09]

This sounds like a familiar occurrence for me, though my uBPD wife doesn't do it quite as often. She loves to play the victim and criticizes me when I don't jump to her defense right away. Or if she bumps her foot on something or trips, and I don't react quick enough, she says that "I don't care" if she's ok. She seems to be always on the lookout for a new crisis to stew over. It doesn't help that she's a stay at home mom so she has all day to think up new reasons to be PO'ed. She does a very good job at raising our son so I'm not concerned about that, but I just wish she was busier so she couldn't stew all the time.

[an0ught]

Hi ApChagi1,

Always a crisis to be found.

Her problem. It has nothing to do with you. Best crisis is the one that keeps her occupied and limits the damage she does during the crisis.

The crisis is a reflection of her inner turmoil. There is very little you can do except damage limiting. Trying to push on the crisis mountain flattens it but it usually results in another crisis volcano popping up elsewhere - not always in a better place.

Also keep in mind crisis is not always bad - she can learn to rescue herself. She needs to learn that eventually.

Last but not least there is the aspect that if her inner world is full of hurt - a calm and peaceful environment would be invalidating. That perfect world would just feed the next eruption. Tantrums need to run their natural course.

When I try to take care of myself in healthy ways, I get accused of being selfish.

So what? You take good care of yourself and maintain a healthy self interest. She may consider that unfair. That is ok. Her view. Your view is different but she sure is entitled to her view. Maybe she should do something good for herself too then.

Try to validate her (in your eyes unfair and extreme) view of the world. It helps you to deflect it and prevents you from taking it in. Verbalizing it helps you to process it better and reject it easier instead of internalizing it. Just swallowing it can be poisoning in the long run. (Don't validate factually incorrect stuff, we don't validate invalid things. Ignoring that is often the best course unless it is truly important and needs to be handled straight away.).

Establishing boundaries often comes with conflict. There are a few T's involved and it would not be surprising if some advice encourages boundaries. That comes with conflicts. New lines are drawn in the sand and of course they are unfair or at least different and one strongly disagrees. Until eventually the dust settles and life calms down.

I feel she has managed to convince both her personal therapist  and our marriage therapist of how terrible I am.

You worry a lot about the judgments of others. DONT ! Also try to judge yourself less harsh. Avoid judging your wife too hard as well. This all is corrosive acid for your self esteem. You are going through a major life crisis. You are holding up well in a hurricane. Some days you are not walking perfectly straight. That is to be expected - be gentle with yourself - it matters a lot.  

You can only control yourself and not the Ts. In the long run your actions matter. Take good care of yourself and act according to your values and beliefs. Your self esteem will follow.

Staying is not an easy path. You are asking the right questions. Keep going  

[Obibens]

Oh yes, I struggle with this one all the time too.  It's funny, one of the my kids said something that she didn't hear correcly, and she mistook it as an insult.  30 minutes of lectures, accusation, apologizing and frustration later, my wife will say "Sheesh, I don't know why that had to be such a DRAMA?"  I just shake my head.

And then, heaven forbid it's a real crisis.  There is no way I could possibly handle it correctly, and if it wasn't for her we'd just all fall apart.  Even worse, my wife has had several surgeries, multiple 'health scares' (that always turn out to be nothing), and some various injuries.  It doesn matter what I do.  I take time off work to be there to help her recover, I go to her doctors appointments to support her, I help out extra around the house, take the kids to all of their activites.  I always hear how sad and frustrating it is that she has had to go through all of this alone.  That I've never been there for her.

You just can't win.  And to be honest, it's really hard not to let that hurt, because I pride myself on being there for my family.

[waverider]

You just can't win.  And to be honest, it's really hard not to let that hurt, because I pride myself on being there for my family.

The reason you can't win is because for a pwBPD there is no end result, it is about the process. Needs and feelings that can't be fixed with "endings" to problems. It is part of the obsessive side of it. Hence the need for a next problem to obsess about.

Fixing problems, only causes a higher turnover of problems. Walking faster on this drama treadmill still gets you nowhere only exhausted more quickly

[ApChagi1]

I haven't checked in on this post in awhile, but I want to thank everyone for their input. 

Last night was an epic 3 hour argument because I told my wife I really need for her to take our dog out once during the day.  (She does not work and is home all day).  I take him out at 7 am, then leave for work and return at around 5:30 pm everyday.  It frustrates me to no end that the first thing I have to do when I walk in the door is take out the dog when she's home all day!

At some point you'd think I'd just learn to not ask her to do things because all I got was a list of all the things me and my family do wrong and how badly we treat her. 

I would have been better off swallowing my resentment and walking the dog myself like always.

[Hope26]

Apchagi1, I really empathize with you!  You are so right to feel resentful when there is so much giving on your part and so little getting back, and you can't even express your frustration or resentment.  I am feeling that way right now too.  It is hard to remember to use the tools sometimes and take the high road.  Sometimes you just want a true partner to share responsibilities with, without any raging or insults like I got tonight.  Sorry, I needed to vent a little myself.  Just know that I and others understand.

[Tayto]

Remember when you asked your now wife to marry you, remember your excitement !

The day of the wedding, telling her that I will mind you and cherish you for better or worse.

How did you feel that day ?

Because your wife has BPD, write everything down in texts,  at this stage everyone has phones.

write her texts telling her how much you love her, write texts when yee make an agreement. Write when there is plans.

my wife and started this as ive BPD and id forget what she was telling me because ive the attention span of a donkey. Because its written down, I cant deny it's not what we agreed,  of course I deleted my side thinking I was smart but she keeps hers in her phone.

if your wife had a bad heart you would treat her a certain way, with BPD we have to be treated a certain way. I went from having a row evetyday to one row every 6 months because we both worked at it.