What did it take for you to wise up?

[Free2Bee]

I was thinking about that last horrible night with my ex and remembered something else that made me seriously question whether I could go on. My ex was so loud and violent that my gentle, elderly miniature schnauzer crawled deep under the bed and cowered there in terror.

After I stopped crying and got a hold of myself, I looked around and couldn't find my dog. Then I checked under the bed and it took me a half-hour to coax her out. Poor little girl. And poor me.

I'm glad I ended it, as hard as it is right now.

[gary seven]

To Turkish and delusionalxox:  thanks for your kind words. I have been told by many I am a hero ; it feels as if I am a veteran of a domestic war (with no disrespect inferred for all of our military who fight to keep us free) and the PTSD is hitting me in the face. 

Even my therapist from last year couldn't believe what an ordeal I have been through.  Our first interview ( which happened while my spouse was in treatment) lasted two and a half hours.  At the end, he felt so moved that he asked to give me a hug.  He has been in practice nearly thirty years, and is well respected in our town and in his professional community. I think I was the first client he hugged.  I think I had him in tears.  Unfortunately that made me feel even more pathetic.  But I was able to work some of the moments with him, and accumulate a little more resolve.

The decision to protect my children is final.  It will just take me several months to get it planned properly.  Even though I cry myself to sleep at night, even though I hang my teardrops out to dry, even as I feel like a falling star, I know I can wake up tomorrow and be one more day closer to figuring it out, and one more day maybe a little more healed from the pain.  Getting to this community is a significant part of the healing.

One of the more difficult parts is bringing my close friends into my life and behind the curtains of this tragic farce of a marriage. I am ashamed to recant and tell these stories.  I usually get a jaw to drop or eyes to pop out of their sockets.  They listen, they hear my pain being exposed, and they ask what they can do to help.  They understand that there is nothing they can do, because my BPD spouse is who she is.

[Turkish]

To Turkish and delusionalxox:  thanks for your kind words. I have been told by many I am a hero ; it feels as if I am a veteran of a domestic war (with no disrespect inferred for all of our military who fight to keep us free) and the PTSD is hitting me in the face. 

Even my therapist from last year couldn't believe what an ordeal I have been through.  Our first interview ( which happened while my spouse was in treatment) lasted two and a half hours.  At the end, he felt so moved that he asked to give me a hug.  He has been in practice nearly thirty years, and is well respected in our town and in his professional community. I think I was the first client he hugged.  I think I had him in tears.  Unfortunately that made me feel even more pathetic.  But I was able to work some of the moments with him, and accumulate a little more resolve.

The decision to protect my children is final.  It will just take me several months to get it planned properly.  Even though I cry myself to sleep at night, even though I hang my teardrops out to dry, even as I feel like a falling star, I know I can wake up tomorrow and be one more day closer to figuring it out, and one more day maybe a little more healed from the pain.  Getting to this community is a significant part of the healing.

One of the more difficult parts is bringing my close friends into my life and behind the curtains of this tragic farce of a marriage. I am ashamed to recant and tell these stories.  I usually get a jaw to drop or eyes to pop out of their sockets.  They listen, they hear my pain being exposed, and they ask what they can do to help.  They understand that there is nothing they can do, because my BPD spouse is who she is.

Those are great friends, GS, which means you are too or they would not be your friends. The is nothing to be ashamed of. Hugs to you and your kids from me and mine.

[shellsh0cked]

What did it take for me to wise up?

being able to admit:


~ I felt like a prostitute

~ there was nothing there worth saving

Alliance,

Did you BPDso have an extremely high sex drive?

Yes, but I don't think it was so much the drive as it was to make sure you stayed.  Part of the control and manipulation... .

[alliance]

What did it take for me to wise up?

being able to admit:


~ I felt like a prostitute

~ there was nothing there worth saving

Alliance,

Did you BPDso have an extremely high sex drive?

Yes, but I don't think it was so much the drive as it was to make sure you stayed.  Part of the control and manipulation... .

Had nothing to do with sex drive. Had to do with self centered, emotionless sex i.e here I am, adore me, worship me, do me. Not exactly my idea of great sex.

[metalone]

Thank you arn131arn... . that is a tremendous quote from your sister and i appreciate your posting it here on this forum. i will use that as another tool in my tool box to help guide me through my detaching from my BPD wife.


my wise up event... . my BPD wife and her affair.

Thank you again.

[Ironmanrises]

I don't think I ever wised up, so to speak. I was discarded twice by my exUBPDgf(3 times if you count a pseudo discard during friendship with her). Had I wised up, I would have not allowed her to return that second time. I saw her illness, her disorder, literally play out from beginning to end during round 2(I had found this forum in NC period shortly after she left me first time). I saw it all. I saw her trying to express her out of control emotions via social media(FB, IG, twitter). I saw it in the 16,000+ texts. I heard it in her words. I saw it in person. I saw the pre-trigger(idealization) side of her. A lovable person, if that comprised her entire personality. It did not, however. I saw the post-trigger(devaluation) side of her. A most cruel, unforgiving, and mean stranger, with a twist; that stranger knows ALL of your weaknesses and intimate details. And uses them against you. In this case, me. With uncanny ___ing precision. By the time she discarded me that second time, which was far worse then the first discard, I was a broken man. In all areas. I finally decided to post on this forum at that time.

[MrFox]

I always knew something was wrong but I ignored it.

Wised up when I was standing in my driveway as my replacement was threatening me about never talking to her again.  She sat in her car glaring at me.  I got the distinct feeling that she actually wanted us to fight over her.  Over the next two weeks she alternated between a smear campaign and trying to suck me back in and I realized it had all been a test.  She wanted me to chase her, to literally fight for her.

I realized that if she didn't know how I felt about her after a year and a half, nothing I ever said or did was going to convey my love for her.  Plus, I had started reading up on co-dependency.  The veil hiding the dysfunction in my life wasn't so much lifted as it was lit on fire.

[shellsh0cked]

I don't think I ever wised up, so to speak. I was discarded twice by my exUBPDgf(3 times if you count a pseudo discard during friendship with her). Had I wised up, I would have not allowed her to return that second time. I saw her illness, her disorder, literally play out from beginning to end during round 2(I had found this forum in NC period shortly after she left me first time). I saw it all. I saw her trying to express her out of control emotions via social media(FB, IG, twitter). I saw it in the 16,000+ texts. I heard it in her words. I saw it in person. I saw the pre-trigger(idealization) side of her. A lovable person, if that comprised her entire personality. It did not, however. I saw the post-trigger(devaluation) side of her. A most cruel, unforgiving, and mean stranger, with a twist; that stranger knows ALL of your weaknesses and intimate details. And uses them against you. In this case, me. With uncanny ___ing precision. By the time she discarded me that second time, which was far worse then the first discard, I was a broken man. In all areas. I finally decided to post on this forum at that time.

Wow dude... . wow.  You just described by life for a year and a half. 

[delusionalxox]

Mine too shellshocked and Ironmanfalls.

It is the intense and detailed cruelty with which they look at you in their rage, hate and disgust, and you see an almost demonic version of yourself projected back at you. They know your every failing, your every weak point, and they torture you with it.

Thank god we got away. A hundred years of loneliness is better than that. But I am still lonely without him. Sometimes after the hate had crucified me (I can't think of another word for that incredible shaming pain), he would 'flip' and be loving again. And that made me realise why battered women stay.

You are so broken that you seek any comfort you can from the person who made you feel like a total piece of ___.

It's sick as hell, and we will be very glad one day that we got away.

[Turkish]

Mine too shellshocked and Ironmanfalls.

It is the intense and detailed cruelty with which they look at you in their rage, hate and disgust, and you see an almost demonic version of yourself projected back at you. They know your every failing, your every weak point, and they torture you with it.

That is an interesting viewpoint. Do you really think that is what it is? Could you expand upon that?

You are so broken that you seek any comfort you can from the person who made you feel like a total piece of ___.

I hated the fact that coming home depressed, I felt better after we talked about events going on in her family, and a little bit about the kids. Then I felt worse again. Like I still "need" this person in my life as a friend, which I know for sure she does me. It is sick.

[delusionalxox]

Turkish, I see the projection of all your own faults back at you as a form of defence and splitting. Plus, I believe that borderlines have a certain talent, probably borne from years of childhood abuse, shame, and humiliation, at detecting the weak spots of their loved/hated other. I think they have this in common with narc/sociopathic people too. A friend with a girlfriend on this spectrum talked of how she would 'confuse' him after their dreadful fights (she has severe type 1 bipolar and unspecified personality disorder, probably antisocial, she has trashed his flat, attacked him etc and he keeps letting her come back). She would come back and list all the 'bad things' he had done and then proclaim her forgiveness for them, on the condition that her own acts were completely ignored and forgotten.

My own ex would do the same except that in his case every single act of 'abuse' I committed was stripped of context and recycled endlessly to cement my guilt, while he forgot everything he had done wrong and any reminders of it were called 'insults and attacks'. For instance I once hit him in the face when he had spent the evening in indirect violence (screaming in my face, pulling off the duvet, banging and screaming at the bathroom door when I locked myself in to get away). I was near insane with fear and exhaustion at the time, plus I am half his size. Once I also hit him when he made the most grotesque sexual comparison of me to a woman he had cheated on me with.  . For this I was christened 'insane' and 'violent'. I felt there was some truth in this, I should not have lost control, whatever he had done. Also, I know I have a sharp tongue and can give a lot of verbal abuse. I was always heavily provoked... . but that is what all abusers say, eh, as he told me... . my head ended up totally scrambled, sometimes I would apologise to him for things I had not done, just to feel safe and loved. It is totally sick.

His mistake was to act really unforgivably even in his own terms by cheating and then lying about it for several months until I found out through facebook. His response was to blame me with a volley of hours of accusations that I had 'abused and corrupted him', that before he met me he was not capable of lying, etc, etc, I had 'damaged his persona'. Bull___, right. No one forces you to cheat, lie and abandon your pregnant ex. He could have just left me rather than cheat; and rather than ignore my pregnancy he could have called me; but he was too afraid and ashamed of himself to tell me the truth, so he just abandoned me.

At that point I saw all the lies and gaslighting and head___ing for what it was. But he still made me fel like a bad person. And I think he really believes I am evil, an abuser. He needed me and as much as he needed me he pushed me away; and to get over the shame and fear of that, he has to hate me.

[delusionalxox]

Re the feeling of needing her... . I know you have kids with her (my sympathies, it would have been my nightmare to have to share children with my pwBPD). But you don't need her as a friend. There is a thread up about lack of closure as a form of 'bargaining'. I did it myself for years. But you don't need to salvage anything good other than a co-parenting relationship (which god knows I know from experience is hard enough).

I've read your posts and you deserve and will have so much better. You don't need her, but she has been the centre of your life and you have to keep seeing her cos of the kids. Its understandable you would find it harder to detach. 

[Changingman]

Like a metal detector, the broken emptyness of them sends an electric shock through their system, I've felt it since breaking up. An emotional electric shock.

They are so broken they have every wound, and can 'feel' it in SOs

[shellsh0cked]

My own ex would do the same except that in his case every single act of 'abuse' I committed was stripped of context and recycled endlessly to cement my guilt, while he forgot everything he had done wrong and any reminders of it were called 'insults and attacks'. For instance I once hit him in the face when he had spent the evening in indirect violence (screaming in my face, pulling off the duvet, banging and screaming at the bathroom door when I locked myself in to get away). I was near insane with fear and exhaustion at the time, plus I am half his size. Once I also hit him when he made the most grotesque sexual comparison of me to a woman he had cheated on me with.  . For this I was christened 'insane' and 'violent'. I felt there was some truth in this, I should not have lost control, whatever he had done. Also, I know I have a sharp tongue and can give a lot of verbal abuse. I was always heavily provoked... . but that is what all abusers say, eh, as he told me... . my head ended up totally scrambled, sometimes I would apologise to him for things I had not done, just to feel safe and loved. It is totally sick.

His response was to blame me with a volley of hours of accusations that I had 'abused and corrupted him', that before he met me he was not capable of lying, etc, etc, I had 'damaged his persona'. Bull___, right. No one forces you to cheat, lie and abandon your pregnant ex. He could have just left me rather than cheat; and rather than ignore my pregnancy he could have called me; but he was too afraid and ashamed of himself to tell me the truth, so he just abandoned me.

At that point I saw all the lies and gaslighting and head___ing for what it was. But he still made me fel like a bad person. And I think he really believes I am evil, an abuser. He needed me and as much as he needed me he pushed me away; and to get over the shame and fear of that, he has to hate me.

Same.  I never cheated on my xBPDgf…not once, although there were constant accusation of ogling all kinds of women, from 15 year old girls to her mother.  

I can relate to apologizing for things I had not even done…mostly because of her gaslighting  Trying to make me believe I was in fact this horrible person that she portrayed.  I figured out one thing about her too…most of this was her projecting her faults and lack of morals on me because she could not handle what she is.  She is terrified of finding out.  I can certainly identify with the volley of accusations and guilting…That she used to “have a vibrant life and friends”, that she’d “aged 10 years in a year and a half”…that I had taken her friends and family from her….blah blah blah.  I heard it all too.  Seriously abusive treatment.  If you ask her though, she doesn’t have a problem.  Everyone else does.  She said I was NPD, a voyeur and a paraphiliac.  I disagree... . so do my therapist, friends and family.  

Seeing the abuse (gaslighting, projection etc) for what it really is can be difficult because they have been manipulating you from the start to keep you by their side…While most “normal” folks would do that through caring, love and devotion, they do it by manipulation.   You are correct too…totally sick.


My friend that is still in contact with her says she still hates me…that she still thinks I am also this mean, abusive and sick person….what blows me away is WHY she hates me…she hates me because she hates herself.  Because she has to have someone to blame for everything wrong in her life…because she cannot accept responsibility.  Ir blows me away how that brain of hers works….If she has to hate me then not much I can do…if that is the way it has to be then so be it.  I really feel sorry for her because it is a misguided hatred.  I don't lose sleep over it anymore.  It is her problem. 

[delusionalxox]

Shellshocked... . this is why I love this board... . it is so so liberating to realise that we were not alone in this, so many of us have been subjected to versions of the same treatment.

The projection for me was the most damaging thing of all because I took it on board so deeply. It gave me a feeling of deep sickness, he would look at me with such clear belief that I was the whore, bhit, liar, money-obsessed 'capitalist' (!), you name it... . I also got called a pervert now and then, certainly was labelled 'promiscuous' and 'flirtatious'.

I read your story re the 15 year old girl thing. My feeling is that your ex had troubling sexual feelings of her own and was projecting them directly onto you. If not for that girl, for sexual objects or ideas that she considered 'disgusting'... . so you became the 'disgusting' one.

I was called a 'psychopath', my sexual motives were always questioned, I was clearly an insatiable whore, an 'inveterate flirt' who 'could not help seeking attention from men'.

I walked right into that one after admitting a one night stand during our early phase when I wasn't sure we were actually going out (he did it too, but that was different eh?  ) and by admitting that (as many people do surely?) I liked a bit of innocent flirting and attention from men, it made me feel attractive... . My god, what a dreadful, untrustworthy whore that made me!

Of course, it was him who was eventually unfaithful and on an epic scale... . and he was probably multiply unfaithful too. He had serious issues with sexual guilt... . he was a promiscuous Catholic with quite a few kinks, all of which I accepted and thought nothing of. But I realise now that all the sexual projection and jealousy was his own self disgust, broadcast onto me.

In a way it is sad. But the weight of his projections nearly crushed me. Coming out of this relationship I see that I am  not a whore or a bhit or a psychopath, just a normal flawed person, but to him I was a cross between Mata Hari and Lucretia Borgia.

I have faults, yes, but my biggest mistake in that relationship was not to defend MYSELF by walking away. The more I stayed, the more I got drawn into his web of distortions and projections.

The funny thing is, ex is clever and high functioning and because I tried to explain a lot of all this to him, he has projected it back at me. I am now the abuser, it is him who was 'damaged', etc. But there's is one answer to that which is: why keep your 'abuser' on ice for months while you hit and move in with another woman... and then why spend another few months trying to get her back?

His excuse for ignoring my pregnancy is that he was 'terrified of me'.  . Pathetic. He even said that I might 'have the baby deliberately to use against him'. I am a 40 year old professional woman with two children of my own. But to him I am a cut-out villainess from some misogynistic Victorian drama. Sad. And very sick.

[Madison66]

What did it take for me to wise up?  That is a great question.  I'd been struggling with a feeling of not being respected by my uBPD/NPD ex gf for some time.  There were things that just never made sense to me in the last year like her not wanting me to get a dog (and going completely emotionally dysregulated when I did get may dog), her not wanting to allow me to have rules in my house for f'd up kids and her continually rewriting history when we attempted counseling the last time in the fall.  What got me to start walking out the door a couple months ago was her just laying on a huge amount of emotional blackmail on a flight back from NYC.  We just had a nice weekend there and she turned on the crud on the plane and I just said "no" to her about five times before completely shutting down.  No matter what she said after that, I was done inside.  What got me to close the door was when things go physical.  There two incidences where I attempted to walk away from the emotional abuse she was dealing me and she physically prevented me from going into another room.  I was hit with the door one time and pushed into a wall the second.  That second physical abuse came during our last confrontation.  She then damaged my property on the way out of my house.  End of game.  Goodbye.

[gary seven]

What got me to start walking out the door a couple months ago was her just laying on a huge amount of emotional blackmail on a flight back from NYC. 

My life started its rapid unraveling  as I had to take my wife to her first residential treatment facility last Memorial Day weekend.  I had to call in sick to work, buy two first class plane tickets (suddenly a space had become "available" to LA.  It was a 6 hour flight and it was nothing but 6 hrs of uninterrupted, and VERY LOUD, blackmail and blame. We got to the facility, had her admitted, met with the counselors and the therapists, and I caught a cab to have dinner with friends before my Red Eye back to home, where I arrived at 6 am, got the kids to summer day camp, and went on to work that day. 

The thoughts of travelling with her again is no longer a desire of mine.  Ever. 

[shellsh0cked]

What got me to start walking out the door a couple months ago was her just laying on a huge amount of emotional blackmail on a flight back from NYC. 

My life started its rapid unraveling  as I had to take my wife to her first residential treatment facility last Memorial Day weekend.  I had to call in sick to work, buy two first class plane tickets (suddenly a space had become "available" to LA.  It was a 6 hour flight and it was nothing but 6 hrs of uninterrupted, and VERY LOUD, blackmail and blame. We got to the facility, had her admitted, met with the counselors and the therapists, and I caught a cab to have dinner with friends before my Red Eye back to home, where I arrived at 6 am, got the kids to summer day camp, and went on to work that day. 

The thoughts of travelling with her again is no longer a desire of mine.  Ever. 

Hell, for me it was WORSE if I left her at home.  I used to travel a lot at work... . maybe 5 or 6 times a year.  Every trip I went on there was a problem... . I remember telling her that I was "lonely" on one of my trips when we first started getting more serious.  I missed her... . and meant HER.  This turned into that I missed my ex-wife and that I wanted out of our relationship... . Woah... . Another time she freaked when I was on my way back from another trip... . I was "on a mission to hurt" her.  That one went on for hours... . Another time she was actually with me and accused me of thinking of another woman while we were having sex.  What?  That's pretty insecure.  She also wiped my work phone trying to break in it and almost my personal one too.  When we got back I spent an entire week with her after that trip trying to make sure things were cool before I had to leave again and go to Tucson... . I took her out to eat, to see a rock show and spent every night with her... . I knew when I left there was going to be trouble because of the way she was acting.  I was right.  By 10 that night... . mind you I had a five hour plane ride and was exhausted and had to work the next morning... . she was all over me.  Telling me about how guy that travel always cheat on their girlfriends... . ok... ?  So I skype her and walk around the room so she can see... . Jesus... . I will never forget her eyes... . like she was the FBI looking for evidence in a crime scene... . Something... . anything... . to prove I wasn't alone.  I'm not rich by any stretch... . the week prior I had bought her an $800 plane ticket... . so now I have another girl with me?  Found out later she said she thought I had her MOTHER with me!  How freakin sick is that?  Called me a bunch of times hanging up on me (and her mom to prove she was with me?).  Last night I was there she got livid with me because my flight was scheduled to leave at 3 pm the next day and I didn't want get up at 6 am and go to the airport to try to reschedule so I could come home early... . for a flight I probably couldn't get on anyway... . If I did I would only be home at 4 or so... . otherwise I would be home at 9. Thought maybe I could sleep in... . maybe sight see or something... . maybe might just enjoy a couple of hours to myself?  HELL NO!  That was selfish of me to not do that!  Nevermind I f#cking worked 50 hours in 4 days plus the travel time.  That was like spitting in her face.  What a b#tch!  Sorry... . that's a hot button.  I paid DEARLY for that.

There wasn't one single trip I took that I wasn't miserable because of her... . just the anticipation of about what she was about to do kept my stomach in knots. 

[shellsh0cked]

Shellshocked... . this is why I love this board... . it is so so liberating to realise that we were not alone in this, so many of us have been subjected to versions of the same treatment.

I was called a 'psychopath', my sexual motives were always questioned, I was clearly an insatiable whore, an 'inveterate flirt' who 'could not help seeking attention from men'.

I walked right into that one after admitting a one night stand during our early phase when I wasn't sure we were actually going out (he did it too, but that was different eh?  ) and by admitting that (as many people do surely?) I liked a bit of innocent flirting and attention from men, it made me feel attractive... . My god, what a dreadful, untrustworthy whore that made me!

Of course, it was him who was eventually unfaithful and on an epic scale... . and he was probably multiply unfaithful too. He had serious issues with sexual guilt... . he was a promiscuous Catholic with quite a few kinks, all of which I accepted and thought nothing of. But I realise now that all the sexual projection and jealousy was his own self disgust, broadcast onto me.

In a way it is sad. But the weight of his projections nearly crushed me. Coming out of this relationship I see that I am  not a whore or a bhit or a psychopath, just a normal flawed person, but to him I was a cross between Mata Hari and Lucretia Borgia.

I have faults, yes, but my biggest mistake in that relationship was not to defend MYSELF by walking away. The more I stayed, the more I got drawn into his web of distortions and projections.

Right there with you.  Personally I LIKE it if a guy flirts with my lady.  To me it says... . "hey, your lady is hot".  I'd rather they think she was pretty and attractive than grossed out by her.  I asked her that, and she said no that she didn't like the idea of any woman being attracted to me... .   That seems weird and unnatural.  I didn't flirt with any woman with my ex around... . period... in fact I used to get freaked out if a woman flirted with me around her because somehow this was my fault too and I was about to get slammed for it!  Even though the other person initiated it!  I hated that microscope she kept me under... . and burned me with!

My current girlfriend?  It is so not like being with M.  We play, cut up and kid around all the time.  She can flirt with whoever she wants.  Same here... . She doesn't care who I talk to... . She's buddies with a girl I dated between her and M.  She knows that I had sex with her too... . whatever.  She's cool with it.  She has guy friends that she has done the same with too.  I'm okay with that too.  Here's the thing... . You can't make someone stay with you... . they will never be happy and you will never be happy.  So to me it is true... . if you love someone, set them free!  If they love you enough they will stay and be good to you.  If not?  See ya later!

[wishfulthinking]

I think I've just hit the point of wising up.  The other night, I seriously could have broken my back.  Literally... . and without exaggeration.  I have thought and thought about it and told myself I am blowing it out of proportion and just being overly sensitive about it.  Then, if anything touches my back along my spine just above my waist, the pain is excrutiating.  I can take a LOT of pain. (I had a boob job and only had ibuprophen and was back to work in 5 days) If my coat belt pulls across it or I lean too quickly back, my eyes water with pain.

Here's what happened.  He trapped me in the bathroom to rage at me.  He waits till things have calmed (supposedly) and I go to take a shower, then he comes in and corners me in our small bathroom.  I tried to get past him and told him to let me out and he pushed me back hard. I flew back and landed on the edge of the bathtub right on my spine at a 90 degree angle.  I'm lucky I was the 1/2 inch to the right when I fell or I'd have fallen t-boned right on the center. Am I wrong to think back and think I could be paralized right now?  Am I overreacting?

He is bigger than me and outweighs me by 60 pounds, construction so he is strong.  When I was able to get up, with my daughter crying in the hallway, I looked at him and told him to get out and that I couldn't believe he pushed me like that.  He looked me right in the eye and said... . I didn't touch you.

What?  Are you kidding me?  He refuses to leave, wants to work things out, but he feels the argument was justified because he raged and I told him I want a divorce.  He says my physical pain is the same as his emotional pain.

The MC we are supposed to be seeing, BPD/NPDh has ditched twice in a row now, is, in his own way, telling me to be done.  Says H won't get better because he doesn't want to because he sees nothing wrong.  Can justify everything.

I can't live like that, but I have to get out safely and I've owned the house on my own for 12 years.  He just moved in last May.  I have to make him leave.

[Mazda]

I think I've just hit the point of wising up.  The other night, I seriously could have broken my back.  Literally... . and without exaggeration.  I have thought and thought about it and told myself I am blowing it out of proportion and just being overly sensitive about it.  Then, if anything touches my back along my spine just above my waist, the pain is excrutiating.  I can take a LOT of pain. (I had a boob job and only had ibuprophen and was back to work in 5 days) If my coat belt pulls across it or I lean too quickly back, my eyes water with pain.

Here's what happened.  He trapped me in the bathroom to rage at me.  He waits till things have calmed (supposedly) and I go to take a shower, then he comes in and corners me in our small bathroom.  I tried to get past him and told him to let me out and he pushed me back hard. I flew back and landed on the edge of the bathtub right on my spine at a 90 degree angle.  I'm lucky I was the 1/2 inch to the right when I fell or I'd have fallen t-boned right on the center. Am I wrong to think back and think I could be paralized right now?  Am I overreacting?

He is bigger than me and outweighs me by 60 pounds, construction so he is strong.  When I was able to get up, with my daughter crying in the hallway, I looked at him and told him to get out and that I couldn't believe he pushed me like that.  He looked me right in the eye and said... . I didn't touch you.

What?  Are you kidding me?  He refuses to leave, wants to work things out, but he feels the argument was justified because he raged and I told him I want a divorce.  He says my physical pain is the same as his emotional pain.

The MC we are supposed to be seeing, BPD/NPDh has ditched twice in a row now, is, in his own way, telling me to be done.  Says H won't get better because he doesn't want to because he sees nothing wrong.  Can justify everything.

I can't live like that, but I have to get out safely and I've owned the house on my own for 12 years.  He just moved in last May.  I have to make him leave.

Wishful, please, leave now.  Please.  You are unsafe.  This guy could have seriously done permanent damage.  You and your daughter are unsafe.

[delusionalxox]

*shellshocked* in fact I used to get freaked out if a woman flirted with me around her because somehow this was my fault too and I was about to get slammed for it!  Even though the other person initiated it!

Snap! I lived in fear even of a positive comment on a picture on Facebook! Ex got totally obsessed with a comment from a man we met on holiday, who turned out to be gay... you couldn't make this stuff up... It's a black comedy. He constantly read my texts and turned the screws on me if any man said anything vaguely complimentary or flirtatious, he expected me to make some sort of statement that I was his property... . God, so so sick... .

*wishfulthinking*I  agree with Mazda. Time to get out. I also recognise the cornering technique. The bathroom was where I used to run to get away from ex's yelling and thumping around. He would stand outside the door shouting through it ordering me to come out. I got trapped in rooms a few times too, trying to leave.

Ex is still calling me the violent and abusive one. Turns out most of what he calls 'abuse' was calling him on his own abuse, and trying to leave. It is not abuse to try to leave someone who is threatening and gaslighting you.

[Turkish]

I think I've just hit the point of wising up.  The other night, I seriously could have broken my back.  Literally... . and without exaggeration.  I have thought and thought about it and told myself I am blowing it out of proportion and just being overly sensitive about it.  Then, if anything touches my back along my spine just above my waist, the pain is excrutiating.  I can take a LOT of pain. (I had a boob job and only had ibuprophen and was back to work in 5 days) If my coat belt pulls across it or I lean too quickly back, my eyes water with pain.

Here's what happened.  He trapped me in the bathroom to rage at me.  He waits till things have calmed (supposedly) and I go to take a shower, then he comes in and corners me in our small bathroom.  I tried to get past him and told him to let me out and he pushed me back hard. I flew back and landed on the edge of the bathtub right on my spine at a 90 degree angle.  I'm lucky I was the 1/2 inch to the right when I fell or I'd have fallen t-boned right on the center. Am I wrong to think back and think I could be paralized right now?  Am I overreacting?

He is bigger than me and outweighs me by 60 pounds, construction so he is strong.  When I was able to get up, with my daughter crying in the hallway, I looked at him and told him to get out and that I couldn't believe he pushed me like that.  He looked me right in the eye and said... . I didn't touch you.

What?  Are you kidding me?  He refuses to leave, wants to work things out, but he feels the argument was justified because he raged and I told him I want a divorce.  He says my physical pain is the same as his emotional pain.

The MC we are supposed to be seeing, BPD/NPDh has ditched twice in a row now, is, in his own way, telling me to be done.  Says H won't get better because he doesn't want to because he sees nothing wrong.  Can justify everything.

I can't live like that, but I have to get out safely and I've owned the house on my own for 12 years.  He just moved in last May.  I have to make him leave.

Dear wishfulthinking, this is psychosis. He assaulted you. He committed a crime.

Do you have somewhere to go, someplace safe (relatives, friends)? It is very delicate and possibly dangerousjust leaving, and may be hard to do, but if you do, I suggest not coming back until you get him out of the house and possibly have a RO against him. Leaving and then coming back is often a tipping point for abusers, especially with their abandonment issues and persecution complexes. Do you have support of local resources in your area for domestic violence? If you can, have a bug-out bag ready to go if you need to leave in a hurry, hidden somewhere he can't find it. Please read this to get some objective perspective:

Safety First

As for your back, I suggest going to see a doctor and telling him or her the story. Be advised that they will report it. Be honest. You are doing nothing wrong. Once that ball starts rolling, there will be no coming back, nor should there be. Both you and possibly your daughter are in danger. The ball needs to roll. The medical professionals can also best advise you and put you in touch with resources to keep you safe. He is controlling you. Time to take it back in the safest way possible!

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Please take care and update (maybe with a new thread so more of us can see it and support you).

Turkish

[shellsh0cked]

My advice?  Get out.  This is just going to escalate.  Get a restraining order against him and let him know that you aren't playing... . I had to tell my ex that too.  That if I heard ONE peep from her I swore to GOD I would have her arrested.  I had enough!

My xgf was really starting to get physically abusive to me as well.  She tried... . so very hard to get me to hit her so she could use that ammunition.  I never dropped myself to her level.  As time went on it started to get worse.  The first time it happened was a few days after the "mom's boobs" fiasco.               We talked about this insanity, and for some reason in my little brain I thought maybe she might drop it... . but alas I came over after work and she's freaking out about it still... . I came over for dinner... . hoping to hang out with her and her daughter and have a nice evening... . but instead she starts slamming me with "the pain just won't go away"... . and this is over this mother bullsh!t still!  At this point I am DISGUSTED and pissed off beyond belief that this crap has gone this far... . and sick of being punished for something I never even did... . so I am like... . well tell you what.  I am not going to argue what I did or didn't do with you... . when you can be rational I will talk to you.  So I start to walk out the front door, and she runs up behind me and PUSHES me.  I am about 3 feet from the 5 stairs in front of the house.  I almost fell down the concrete stairs onto the sidewalk!  Not cool.

The next month we were broken up for something stupid... . like maybe 3 weeks.  I think over this same goofy mess about her mom... . I don't remember this happened so often.  She comes over to my house with my things in a bag... . tries to leave me a f#ck you text, but I have her blocked... . So she goes nuts, gets wasted and comes to my house armed with some knives she bought at walmart to do me in... . not kidding.  Fortunately she either chickened out or forgot about them, but they were in her car along with the receipt (my buddy found them while she was inside raging on me). 

The night of the final straw, she grabbed my face and squeezed my cheeks, and shoved me into a kitchen counter at the bar we were playing at.  I hit the back of my head on the ticket rack above pretty hard... . told me, "I'm gonna follow you wherever you go tonight, and I'm gonna have a knife!".  Which she did... . I was prepared for this because I know how she is.  She denied saying this to my buddy and her sister... . but I had told them this immediately after she left the club and showed her @ss.  And yep, she had them again.  This time hidden in a room waiting to ambush me.  Three in plain sight, and two hidden that I found later.

I am too old to put up with that kind of garbage... . You shouldn't either. 

[gary seven]

Wishful:

call the police.  go to the ER to document what happened.  Or  go to your regular doctor.

document everything on  a safe computer, or phone.  find out if your state allows one party consent to recording.  If so, put him on speakerphone and just video it.

sign up for carbonite so everything you take pictures of,or write, is saved in a cloud he can't touch.  it covers computers and cellphones.  you wont be disappointed.

[ShakinMyHead]

In a Nutshell, what it took for me to wise up, and also to get my control back, and go No Contact and stick to it, was to realize that it is my own Narcissism that leads me to believe I can help a disordered person change to stable and loving. Specially when they don't even admit to the disorder? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM, MERLIN? There is an analogy written by a gentleman Richard21cp and he explains that disordered people are like scrambled eggs. Once you crack the egg and mix the yolk and the white it can never be unscrambled. That happened in the first 3 years of their lives. It's possibly genetic, and it's been reinforced behaviorally over the years for them at the point that we find them. Non's are more like the onion analogy, in that we are more of a neurotic set up, in that, when we do our work we can peel the damaged layers back, revealing a new understanding and fresh sense of self to create. We can use our strength of self to make choices and improve. They don't have the luxury of a strong enough self, at least not for long or consistently enough to contain their fears and wait for the "swing" to pass. They literally experience PTSD every time they anticipate abandonment, and that can be anywhere on the spectrum of saying you like a person in a band, to them watching your eyes look at another person. Simple human gestures can signal code red abandonment, and it's visceral. 0-1000 in 2 seconds. We cannot change them. When we realize this,it's easier to let go.  Hugs, SMH

[Turkish]

In a Nutshell, what it took for me to wise up, and also to get my control back, and go No Contact and stick to it, was to realize that it is my own Narcissism that leads me to believe I can help a disordered person change to stable and loving. Specially when they don't even admit to the disorder? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM, MERLIN? There is an analogy written by a gentleman Richard21cp and he explains that disordered people are like scrambled eggs. Once you crack the egg and mix the yolk and the white it can never be unscrambled. That happened in the first 3 years of their lives. It's possibly genetic, and it's been reinforced behaviorally over the years for them at the point that we find them. Non's are more like the onion analogy, in that we are more of a neurotic set up, in that, when we do our work we can peel the damaged layers back, revealing a new understanding and fresh sense of self to create. We can use our strength of self to make choices and improve.

that's good stuff, SMH. Maybe I haven't fully grasped my own narcissism, like you mention, but yes, who in the hell did I think I was? I just repeated my childhood "dealing" with a disordered mother. I could never fix her, nor was it my job. I set boundaries with my mother years ago, and have for the most part stuck by them. We've had a decent relationship for years (easier at 3 hours' distance), despite my mom being emotionally fragile even in her old age. So why did I fail to do so with my X? Oh yeah, this time I can do it. I'm an adult now, I have the power! Very arrogant. As her father told me, "you handle her well," as if she were a head of cattle. Wow. The weird thing is, that I did for a time, as did most of us. But the disorder always wins.

I also fear the genetic component in her family, now stepping back and looking at others (her older brother, father, possibly even grandmother, her little sis shows some traits). In this, I fear a bit for my son... . but I can't control that. I can only control how I react to it.

[ShakinMyHead]

Turkish, I understand your concern for your child and the genetic aspect. Remember though, even if a child has a biological predisposition to a cluster B personality disorder, it has to be triggered by the environment. Certain disorders only trigger at certain ages. With BPD/NPD the nature/nurture comes together in the first 5 years or so give or take trauma. Knowing what BPD is, you can work directly with your child without them knowing of course, teaching regulation of feelings. In a "good enough" house hold a child who has a biological predisposition to any disorder may never deal with it, because the environment never triggers it to come out. We can also see the behavior through modeling of caretakers behavior in children without the biological predisposition because they've watched it their whole lives. I grew up in a family where my Mom, Dad and Brother all are NPD. While I have Narcissistic defenses and learned a lot from the Robots around me, #1- not to need #2- how your feelings are more impt then mine #3- to survive in anyway I could, and I was dependent on these people and needed them to live. I did not have the predisposition. I had a self. It split off from time to time when it was neglected in order to deal with the depression and sadness, but it remained intact, and a still small voice that always nagged at me for as long as I can remember Saying, "There is something not right here. Maybe you were adopted. Maybe your real family will come for you soon." etc…and get the hell out of here as soon as humanly possible." There are some books that talk about the genetic links, as well as countering the effects of Cluster B parents that I will list when I get home. But remember your son has you, and if your wife had you for a father she might not have turned out the way she did. But she is not the one you can help now, and we can not love the disorder out of our ex's as they have no reference for it anyway. Their reference is for abandonment, and that is what they try to stay one step ahead of. Blessings, SMH

[shellsh0cked]

In a Nutshell, what it took for me to wise up, and also to get my control back, and go No Contact and stick to it, was to realize that it is my own Narcissism that leads me to believe I can help a disordered person change to stable and loving. Specially when they don't even admit to the disorder? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM, MERLIN? There is an analogy written by a gentleman Richard21cp and he explains that disordered people are like scrambled eggs. Once you crack the egg and mix the yolk and the white it can never be unscrambled.

I think that's more codependency SMH... . reason I say that is that I am sure you truly loved that person.  An NPD would only do such to prop up their low self esteem and self importance as it were.  

That theory by the way is mentioned in "Stop walking on eggshells".  Great book to educate yourself on BPD... . It has a lot of ways of dealing with BPDs if you are staying in the relationship... . but obviously we are not or we wouldnt be here... .