What did it take for you to wise up?

[arn131arn]

I'm learning laughing is best.  Hanging around friends, bullhitting, cutting up.

I also have wonderful women around me, like my sister, mom, and friend's wives.

Sis just texted me this one:

"God will sometimes end a relationship for your protection.  Don't chase the person he is trying to save you from."

... . roger that

[karma_gal]

I'm learning laughing is best.  Hanging around friends, bullhitting, cutting up.

I also have wonderful women around me, like my sister, mom, and friend's wives.

Sis just texted me this one:



"God will sometimes end a relationship for your protection.  Don't chase the person he is trying to save you from."

... . roger that

I love this.  In fact, I think I'm going to see if I can find this quote online with a cutesy picture and make it my phone screensaver so I see it 100 times a day.  Maybe then it will sink in the next time he leaves not to let him come back.

As to laughing, that's about all we can do these days.  Otherwise, the only thing left is crying, and I refuse to shed another tear over him.  Laughing at him is more fun  

[shellsh0cked]

Rewind.  Thursday afternoon, January 12... . 2012... . my dad calls me and tells me that he thinks he may be having a blood clot coming up in his leg.  Not uncommon for him actually, and although very dangerous he acts as if it is routine…geez!  So anyway, he asks if I will take him to the ER on Sunday cause he knows the doctor is going to admit him to the hospital if he goes to see him, and he knows he has a job to wrap up…won’t listen…beside point.  I grudgingly agree.  Of course, I text the xgf that I am going to take my dad to the hospital on Sunday.  I text her and tell her I am worried about my dad and my plan to take him to the doctor.  Of course I start this is a slight…a ploy…to get me to not “hang out with her”, or to “be alone”…or “avoid her”…I usually slip into my codependency and let her mow all over me, but this one really pissed me OFF!  Because I would NEVER and I mean NEVER fake a parent’s health to get out of anything!  That’s bad karma there boys and girls, and what if something really did?  Anyway, that was a two hour fiasco getting it back together.   I agree I will still spend the weekend with her (I had no plans of not to start with) and get up early Sunday morning and take him…This of course is a major pain in my ass…but I do it to make her happy.  Fast Forward……My x and I had a huge fight Saturday night late because she was convinced I was checking out her friend’s son’s girlfriend…she’s 15.  I blew up in her face and she tried her damndest to get me to hit her so she’d have some ammo I guess and could get her enablers to march out on her field and be her cheering section.  Course, I didn’t fall into that ploy and promptly left.  She tortured me till 7am with hate.  I was done (at least thought I was) with her.  The prior month she had raged on me for the supposed “mom flirting/boob checking out” rhetoric and had stalked me at the house with intent to kill me with a knife (she said to scare me).  Foolishly I had taken her back?  Yes, I was an idiot…Anyway, I sleep Sunday morning maybe 2 hours and take my dad to the ER.  We have been there about 2 hours and he is in an examination room.  My dad is a pretty private guy…was married once before mom, and was in the service…never talked about either one of those things…Starts telling me about both.  Scariest one was the story about his first wife…She slapped the ___ out of him in his sleep when they were first married.  He was freaked out.  She said she thought he was screwing her sister.  He packed his things and split.  He spoke to her father…said she had pulled a gun on her first husband and  the dad said the husband said he “didn’t have a clue” as to why she did it.  Tells me he finds her (and the accused sister) in his truck outside his workplace a few weeks later…hiding.  Approaches her and nicely asks them if they needed something…they say no and leave.  :)ad finds hammer on way home from his tool box shoved under the seat.  She was about to ___ him up with it…wow.  

Can you imagine how this shook me UP?  Here I am…40 years old, and my dad picks THIS day to tell me this stuff?   In detail?  So, that statement rings so true…Against every clue I had….I ignored them and went back to her again.  End result?  $4000 worth of damage to my car, another attempt on my life, more therapy,  I’m guessing most of us…if not all of us that are here have left our tormentors.  Seems like a lot of you had better sense than I did for sure.  

What did it take for y'all to have a "belly full"... . What other signs were there for you?  What did you choose to ignore and keep riding the train when every synaptic nerve in your brain was screaming at you to leave?

[bpdspell]

What did it take for y'all to have a "belly full"... . What other signs were there for you?  What did you choose to ignore and keep riding the train when every synaptic nerve in your brain was screaming at you to leave?

I woke the F up when I could no longer stomach my ex's entitlement and abuse. Narcissistic entitlement is nauseating to me and was my emotional "cue" to hang things up. I poured into my ex: mind, body and soul and once idealization was over he gave me NOTHING. What he did do was train me to chase his "carrot stick" love like it was the hope diamond when in reality BPD love is a lump of coal. And all of us on here deserve love that's better than a lump of coal. It's no way to live and I refuse to allow someone who didn't even create me to treat my like a piece of crap. Our ex's are not our mothers or fathers and in my honest opinion no human being should ever have that amount of cart blanche power over you.

Signs: Cheating, lies, infidelity, blame shifting, the lack of reciprocity…It all added up to = something's really wrong with this person.

What I ignored: the lies, the cheating. It was my powerful delusion and denial kicking in overtime. I was willing to self sacrifice myself because I believed that it was my job to rescue my ex from his pain. My codependent traits also kicked in. I was willing to rescue you all so I didn't have to take care of myself. It all became one big devastating trap cycle of delusional lies based on the fear of abandonment, loneliness, and to a degree self-hate.

My mother is a narcissist. Plain and simple. And it was my normal because she raised me. My father showed me love and affection as a child and it was the only thing that honestly gave me the strength to "wise up" and give my BPD ex the boot. That fatherly love foundation triggered my self-respect and I'm grateful for it. My relationship with BPD crazy only lasted 10 months; 3 of which were excruciating.

What I've learned: you can't expect someone to love you if they hate themselves. If they don't have the capacity to love themselves then how they hell are they going to love you?

Spell

[Free2Bee]

For me, it was the feeling that the 'rage episodes' were escalating and moving towards violence. And a veiled suicide threat.

I was also very weary of constantly being 'on my toes', trying not to anger her. The very last night we spent together, she had the prickly energy that I knew from experience would lead to a rage.

That same night, she brought me a shirt and a special art project she had been working on for us. I still regret not being more enthusiastic and loving about those gifts, but I was being cautious because I didn't know if my delight would set her off.

I still cry when I think about this (she took both gifts with her when she left, said I didn't appreciate them... . ).

I guess I just got to the point where I realised that I *had* to save myself because things were getting too bizarre... .

[Perfidy]

Good company and laughter produce the feel good stuff. Natural endorphins. Healthy arn.

[State85]

Her calling my son a p.o.s., and a f'ing loser. Not to his face, he never would have anything to do with her... . she said those things to me!

I believe she was probably jealous of him... . and she should be.

[shellsh0cked]

For me, it was the feeling that the 'rage episodes' were escalating and moving towards violence. And a veiled suicide threat.

I was also very weary of constantly being 'on my toes', trying not to anger her. The very last night we spent together, she had the prickly energy that I knew from experience would lead to a rage.

That same night, she brought me a shirt and a special art project she had been working on for us. I still regret not being more enthusiastic and loving about those gifts, but I was being cautious because I didn't know if my delight would set her off.

I still cry when I think about this (she took both gifts with her when she left, said I didn't appreciate them... . ).

I guess I just got to the point where I realised that I *had* to save myself because things were getting too bizarre... .

Know that energy well…The night the 15 year old girl accusation happened?  Here’s the back story.  She has a young daughter that I adore, and they were both invited to go.  When we got up, she d*cked around as she always does and basically the party would be over by the time she got ready.  She asked if I would take her on since I was ready.  I was like sure!  This was a pool party, (inside at Y).  I was uneasy because there were likely going to be women there…in swimsuits.  This is a recipe for disaster.  So the longer it takes her to get there, the better the chance of her not flipping out because someone was wearing a bikini or something…We’d had a couple of really good weeks prior to this.  Course it was because I stayed home with her and avoided contact with anyone female.  I didn’t want any trouble.  I got there and enjoyed the 5 year old’s party.  Silly.  Having a good time with the daughter.  She finally arrived there when the party was mostly over and the kids were in the pool.  Nothing but overweight women, men and kids…surely I am safe.   I went and got her a drink and came back.  We sat close and held hands.  It was nice.  We talked about her friend’s 17 year old son and his girlfriend.  They were roughhousing in the pool.  She told me they were sexually active, but were responsible and used protection.  Okay…good for them.  End of conversation.   

After doing that, we went to visit a friend in the hospital.  Everything was fine.  She was sitting in the chair next to me with her legs propped up on me during the visit…being very affectionate.  Nothing wrong.  That evening we were going to have dinner and play cards with the friend that invited her to the party earlier and her boyfriend.  We were playing and having a damn good time…Song comes on, and the friend’s boyfriend starts chuckling a little…turns out it is at a song that is on the radio.  The friend starts prodding him what it is about.  He says he doesn’t want to say and the friend finally pries it out of him…the song reminds him of someone he used to date.  Instead of just chuckling and not worrying about it, the friend starts in on him about how disrespectful what he just did was…even though she is the one that kept prying.  He gets angry (I don’t blame him)…says he’s going home because he’s tired of being harassed.  My xgf starts talking to the friend out front…friend says “you better be good to this man”…meaning me.  She’s got that look in her eye…noticed it since the boyfriend left.  She starts saying something about how “he” meaning me…”can’t keep his eyes in their sockets”…I am like…What the heck?  What the hell did I do now?  Apparently, I was gawking at the 15 year old child…said I rubbed my chin when discussing her?  .somehow that means I wanted to have sex with her?  Okay…you are a psycho.  Bear in mind there wasn’t even a flicker of a problem all day…12 hours after the “incident” is when she started to rake me over the coals…Wicked fight ensued…you know the rest. 

[myself]

There were too many of her teeth marks in my heart. Now every time I have a better day without her, it's like the dents are being pushed back out. A few more touch ups and I'm ready to go.

[Turkish]

What I've learned: you can't expect someone to love you if they hate themselves. If they don't have the capacity to love themselves then how they hell are they going to love you?

I used to think this was stupid, but now I fully understand and agree with it. At least the hate part. No amount of love can fill a black hole of hatred.

[Johnny Alias]

For me I was just tired... . I had begged her at one point on hand and knee during my third recycle to stop screaming at me when she got drunk.  Then at one point she said she was going to see a therapist and didn't.

And then in the end when I thought she was trying really hard we were at a party, she got wasted yet again and accused me of wanting to leave her for a younger girl who could give me a child.  God.

It was sad.  If she'd only stopped screaming at me I could have overlooked the laundry list of issues she had... . but when the eyes glaze over and they're yelling at you as if you're someone else... . when they're projecting all the anger from their childhood onto you... . you become a prop in a play.  You literally feel like a punching bag. 

After I'd gotten some of my strength back and she'd moved in with another man she changed for the worse... . attacking everyone.  Long time friends.  Me.  Whoever.  Didn't matter.  Never will. 

Her childhood was brutal.  Neglect and verbal abuse on an EPIC scale.  I'm fairly certain she was also sexually abused.  That anger has to go somewhere... . and it hits US square between the eyes. 

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Signs: Cheating, lies, infidelity, blame shifting, the lack of reciprocity…It all added up to = something's really wrong with this person.

What I ignored: the lies, the cheating. It was my powerful delusion and denial kicking in overtime. I was willing to self sacrifice myself because I believed that it was my job to rescue my ex from his pain. My codependent traits also kicked in. I was willing to rescue you all so I didn't have to take care of myself. It all became one big devastating trap cycle of delusional lies based on the fear of abandonment, loneliness, and to a degree self-hate.


What I've learned: you can't expect someone to love you if they hate themselves. If they don't have the capacity to love themselves then how they hell are they going to love you?

Spell

This, my friend, is me.  Thank you for posting this.  This is essentially what woke me up too.  I just had enough. 

The final straw that broke the camels back?  Two months ago when she tried to make up a story that, in case her routine obgyn appointment tests should show any signs of an STD, that it would have meant I had been unfaithful.  I now know that she had been with multiple other men at that time and she was using this made up story to blame it on me in case her tests had come back positive.  (Thankfully all were negative b/c that would have meant she would have infected me) 

That was probably the most disgusting thing she's ever attempted to do.  And it was all I could take.  I am filing for divorce at the end of this month. 

I'd rather live alone than live like this.

[RecycledNoMore]

For me, I was just tired, tired of the drama,the lies, the abuse, it all became so predictable, I kept thinking to myself, surely this cant be it?, this cant be as good as it gets?After I found out about BPD, it was the beginning of the end... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Any wising up I've done happened well after the relationship ended.  When I was in it, it was nothing but primitive fight or flight, brought on by stress and pain.  There wasn't much thinking going on, it was either beat the crap out of her or bail, binary pure reaction.

[shellsh0cked]

For me, I was just tired, tired of the drama,the lies, the abuse, it all became so predictable, I kept thinking to myself, surely this cant be it?, this cant be as good as it gets?After I found out about BPD, it was the beginning of the end... .

Yep... . predictable.  It's why I knew she was at my house when she came to possibly end my life... . I KNEW she was there.  Truly insane, predictable behavior... . She expects different results but she keeps doing the same things over and over... . I was on that ride with her.  But no more.  I got off that ride... . It made me puke all the time.  Note the bolded lyrics at the bottom... .

Here's a good song that made me think about how dysfunctional my relationship with her was.  Sure many of you can relate to these lyrics.  

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1F8I-27q6A

And the lyrics...

"Sick Cycle Carousel"

If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine

If it had a home would it be my eyes?

Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this

Well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind

You better believe that I have tried to beat this

So when will this end? It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop

Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here

Never thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong now one more time

'Cause I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind

You better believe that I have tried to beat this

So when will this end? It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop

Till I step down from this

Sick cycle carousel

This is a sick cycle, yeah

Sick cycle carousel

This is a sick cycle yeah

So when will this end? It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop

Till I step down from this for good

When will this end? It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop

Till I step down from this for good





Read more: Lifehouse - Sick Cycle Carousel Lyrics | MetroLyrics

[sun seeker]

  Hey... .   long story short.

  When we first got together I caught her drunk very often and with other guys. Lieing and manipulation was rampant.  She raged about 3 times in about 11 months one of those rages became physically violent. I justified it with she was drunk.

  She got sober on her own and she turned into an awesome women the kind of person i would settle down with.(actually she became a better lier) we decide we wanted a committed  r/s,  the fast lifestyle we both leed had to stop. I was dating a few women at the time and was completely honest about my lifestyle with them all. She decided  to go to therapy and get help. right before we walked in to therapy she told me about her BPD. I went along with her im not co dependant or anything found that out through therapy.

I knew I couldn't help or fix her just was willing to be supportive  and things SEEMED great she sobered up and made great strides in healing. (I thought) for around 11 months.  UNTILL!

  The last straw , caught her texting my replacement. I just calmly said you didn't have to lie about anything , dishonesty is  unacceptable in the life i want with you and i walked out , went 100% N/C  for 7 weeks now &. I haven't looked back.

[RecycledNoMore]

shellshocked, you KNEW, I KNEW

We still went back for more...

Im stepping down too.For good.

[shellsh0cked]

shellshocked, you KNEW, I KNEW

We still went back for more...

Im stepping down too.For good.

Good for you. Waste not another minute on that caused you so much pain.  Now that I have?  I can be happy and she will NEVER control me again.  All of us can do the same!

[laelle]

He would keep knocking down what we built up.  Now I realize that it was me who did all the work building up, and he who was waiting for the "perfect" moment to knock it all down.

We were partners in a children's game created from my FOO and his mental illness. 

I was never a very competitive type of person.  Why continue to play a game if he always wins?  I was let off the hook of this toxic relationship because I am a sore loser. 


Other than that... . what BPDspell said.  Her words are aligned completely with my thoughts.

[Changingman]

Realising that her lying was pathalogical. Why was I so easily duped? Because everything was a lie... . shattering. Every lie and betrayal became evident, trust and love was used as a weakness on my part, a weapon against me.

So shocking I looked up alcoholism and found... . drum roll please... . BPD. The rest dear listeners... . well you know.

My, my how the times change

We're not in Kansas anymore

[Cimbaruns]

I recycled multiple times and left the door cracked each and every time... .

The final straw was discovering my "replacement".

The slow painful feeling of mis trust started creeping back, the subtle lies, the distancing and conversations of "I'm not happy" began all over again. I guess I thought after the last major split and getting back things would improve... . I wanted to continually "fix" her... . my own co dependency issues being ever present.

What an unhealthy world to live in... . stagnant and murky... . filled with feelings of anxiety... . always waiting for the bomb to go off... .

The distancing started around Thanksgiving... . Part 1 of her exit plan

Then the feelings of my not giving her what she "needed" , that word came up a zillion times over 5 years... .

Then the ball began to roll... . I guess she was out trying to find my replacement.

Staying up late... . texting incessantly... . going home for a few days(she maintained a house a distance away for her adult daughter to live in)... . Coming back and not wanting to engage with me at all.

Then bang... . part 2 ... . the replacement was found and in a few short weeks she was gone... . cleaned most of her stuff out... . no communication AT ALL!

I knew I had been replaced because most every other time she would at least throw out a feeler text... .

Yes... . cheating was it for me... . DOOR CLOSED!


I know I was a replacement once and didn't really see that until I looked MINE in the face... . now I can begin my life and know my sentence is finally over!

[alliance]

What did it take for me to wise up?

being able to admit:

~ I wasn't happy

~ She didn't make me feel good about me

~ I was exhausted and spent

~ I felt like a prostitute

~ there was nothing there worth saving

[delusionalxox]

I knew all along things were wrong. Very wrong.

But the thing that  made me sure I would never, ever see him again was when I found out that after dumping me in the most brutal way at the end of May (and ignoring me totally when I found out I was pregnant a week later). Being an entitled idiot he dropped the  name of the 'girlfriend' he had been seeing 'while we were split' - yes, being a bloody fool, I went to meet him again in September.   I immediately recognised the name from a facebook photo of him with a group in APRIL.

He had begun cheating on me 2 weeks after the most fantastic holiday together in early April. While he as accusing me constantly of cheating and simultaneously bombarding me with sexual fantasies about threesomes etc, he had been with her. He came to see me in May at my expense and went straight back to her bed 'because it didn't work out with me'.   no ___ it didn't.

I had been alone, pregnant and going crazy and he had moved in with her!

As soon as he left her in August, he was bothering me again and telling me how much he loved me and missed me.


To date, his 'mistake' as he calls it remains in his mind 'at least partly your responsibility, delusional' and the latest was being called 'bipolar' (I am not, although was diagnosed) told 'the projections and lies are all yours... . bipolar is made of lies'.

He has now cut all communication with me after threatening to 'report me to the police as a stalker'/

Unlike some of you I can't feel glad yet to be free. God help me I miss him and still want him. I feel as if when he devalued and betrayed me the spark and faith went out of my life. I really thought we were 'troubled soulmates'   and I guess I found him more attractive and sexy than anyone ever in my life.

I read over all he did and I am horrified. He is utterly vile, cruel, uncaring and basically insane. So why do I still love him.

[gary seven]

Wising up took a long period of time.  We had 9 bad years already, but I sorta thought something was REALLY wrong when she got so mad at me for not making her breakfast one Saturday this past Spring (13)  (after the kids and I had eaten; she never came down to eat with us), that she lifted up the frying pan like a baseball bat.  For an instant I thought I was going to be her target, but instead it was the glass cooktop that shattered.

She went into residential treatment after that, then outpatient treatment and came home again.  Or I should say I let her come back home , with her reassurance that she was "all better."  From her and her shrink and her several therapists.

That lasted about 4 weeks.

Then the parade began:  N+1 therapists, N+1 psychiatrists, N+1 babysitters, N+ 1 medications.  All "didn't listen to my (her) problems."

I still didn't get it, or believe the signs.

So things snowballed out of control till the Sunday after this Thanksgiving when my oldest child (9) picked up the car keys and ran out of the house ,as she was barking and yelling at me again for something , he screaming to her " I hate you . You never stop screaming at Papa.  I can't sleep because of the screaming (and neither could my other two younger children)."

That was the straw that broke me.  I'm an older guy, started late having kids, and they do not deserve to have a childhood of fear and hate.  They need love.  And I am working on it.  I love my kids so much, I guess that's why I stayed in it so long, to protect them. 

[delusionalxox]

Gary that is a terrifying story of abuse. And good on you for doing what you had to to protect your children from her.

It makes me glad that although I still hanker for my uBPDex, I didn't stay with him or (god forbid) have his child. It would have been a true living hell like you have had to live with.

[LilMissSunshine]

Hm, when my hairdresser noticed a small chunk of hair (that he had yanked out during a rage) from the back of my head was missing.    actually I'm  :'( but over it and it's grown back since.  In fact, my hair hasn't looked this healthy in years Hm.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

What did it take for me to wise up?

being able to admit:


~ I felt like a prostitute

~ there was nothing there worth saving

Alliance,

Did you BPDso have an extremely high sex drive?

[santa]

When she got arrested for a DUI while on her way to check in with her probation officer for her previous felony DUI, I figured it was probably not going to work out.

[Turkish]

Wising up took a long period of time.  We had 9 bad years already, but I sorta thought something was REALLY wrong when she got so mad at me for not making her breakfast one Saturday this past Spring (13)  (after the kids and I had eaten; she never came down to eat with us), that she lifted up the frying pan like a baseball bat.  For an instant I thought I was going to be her target, but instead it was the glass cooktop that shattered.

She went into residential treatment after that, then outpatient treatment and came home again.  Or I should say I let her come back home , with her reassurance that she was "all better."  From her and her shrink and her several therapists.

That lasted about 4 weeks.

Then the parade began:  N+1 therapists, N+1 psychiatrists, N+1 babysitters, N+ 1 medications.  All "didn't listen to my (her) problems."

I still didn't get it, or believe the signs.

So things snowballed out of control till the Sunday after this Thanksgiving when my oldest child (9) picked up the car keys and ran out of the house ,as she was barking and yelling at me again for something , he screaming to her " I hate you . You never stop screaming at Papa.  I can't sleep because of the screaming (and neither could my other two younger children)."

That was the straw that broke me.  I'm an older guy, started late having kids, and they do not deserve to have a childhood of fear and hate.  They need love.  And I am working on it.  I love my kids so much, I guess that's why I stayed in it so long, to protect them. 

you're a hero gary seven,  you truly are.

[waitaminute]

quite simply... .

she taught me to not care about her.


slow learner here. but I do learn eventually.