When you forget and then remember abusive behavior...

[Johnny Alias]

It's amazing as time goes on.  I'm sure many of you like me made a list of all the egregious things that were done to you... .

But the scary part is you don't remember HALF of all the times she was cruel or abusive.  You know why?  You disassociate.  Many of us learned this technique when we were young... . and parents were fighting... . or being neglectful... . or yelling at us... . and rather than endure the pain many of us disassociated... . or tuned out.  You go into a almost a trance like state because your mind/heart couldn't cope with the amount of pain that it was enduring.  It was a survival technique that allowed you to get through a rough childhood. 

Well guess what?  That same survival technique from your childhood is NOT a good thing with a BPD.  It's the opposite.  As more time has gone on I've begun to remember things that I had completely tucked away in the recesses of my mind such as:

1)  Her screaming at me over me calling her ":)ude".  Screaming.  I get it.  You're not a dude.  Its just an expression. 

2)  Her telling me that a man should pay for everything.

3)  Countless fights... . many of which my friends have reminded me of. 

There's more.  Much much more.  The longer you stay with these people the more likely you are to sweep EVIL behaviors under the rug... . you unconsciously choose to... . or enough time passes that you actually FORGET what happened. 

You can't afford to let these escape.  THERE WERE REASONS.  Many, many, many reasons why things didn't work out.  There was good, but believe me if you remembered all the bad the good would be surrounded by an ARMY. 

[nevaeh]

So very true.  Sad.  But true.  I've been with uBPDh for a total of 24 years (married 18).  There are several really bad things that I remember vividly, but I know there are also countless other times that were just as bad that I don't "remember".

It has boggled my mind (and made me really angry with myself, in retrospect) how I could go from literally hating him and wanting him to die to thinking he was a pretty great guy... . all in a matter of a few days.  I don't get that.  It doesn't compute.  Yet, that's what I've been doing for all of my adult life.

[fromheeltoheal]

My take is a little different.  I was living a fantasy just like she was in the relationship, only our fantasies were different: her's, borne out of her disorder, was to make herself whole with me, complete herself, become that perfect human who would never leave and erase her lifelong pain.  I was not and could never be that, obviously, so she cycled through the phases of the disorder until she hated me.  Mine was to create a fairytale romance, blinded by naivety, in which we were loving and kind to each other most of the time, compatible, building the life of our dreams together; not so much a fantasy really, except the fact that I failed to acknowledge she could never go there.  So I saw her rages and abuse as nothing but feedback that we weren't there yet, if I could love her a little more, do things a little differently, she would transform into the girl of my dreams.  Yes, that was a fantasy, and all it took was to begin to ask the question what's in it for me?  Someone like me who gives and gives is eventually going to ask where's mine?  Where's the getting?  Well, it was never about me and my needs, after maybe the first few months, and even then she was just being who she thought she needed to be to snare me, and all it took was focusing on my needs for a minute and it became clear it was time to bail.  And then yes, I began to think back on all that abuse and it pissed me off all over again; had I been more aware and present at the time, I would have left much sooner.  Note to self: pay attention to what I'm getting as I move towards that life of my dreams.

[schwing]

This is a great observation.

You know that dissociation describes a whole host of other behaviors as well right?  Ultimately it is a coping mechanism.  And one that people with BPD (pwBPD) depend upon as well.  When they "project", this is a kind of dissociation as well.  Think of dissociation as "disconnecting."   When pwBPD have a feeling or thought that they cannot bear to associate with themselves, they "project" those thoughts and feelings onto us.  They disconnect their association of those thoughts and feelings from themselves, and attribute those thoughts and feelings to those close to them.  And so they end up accusing us of doing/feeling many things to which we have no idea where this comes from.

And this reminds me, pwBPD also exhibit "splitting" behavior.  That is, they either idealize or devalue people.  I believe, this is also not a behavior limited solely to pwBPD.  Splitting is another kind coping mechanism.  I think our reasons for splitting might be slightly different but related.  For example, when we feel betrayed or abandoned by someone we care deeply about.  I think it is normal in this context to alternate between feeling very attached to them (because after all, we once deeply cared about them) and also with feeling like they are "evil" (because they have betrayed or abandoned us).

PwBPD deal with feelings of fear of abandonment whenever they are involved with people, so in my mind it is no wonder that they end up splitting us.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Free2Bee]

I tended to gloss over the stuff my uBPD partner did, or make excuses for her and then forget the incidents. Now, as I'm reading more about BPD or reading stuff on these boards, 'rage episodes' or behaviours I sort of 'forgot' about are popping up in my mind. It's hard, because it's upsetting all over again.

I think it's only human to want to remember the good stuff and let go of the bad. I know I've been trying to do that rather intentionally, but this post is a good reminder to not deny the stuff that happened - we can learn from it.

[Obibens]

Telling my kids life would be so much better if she'd just been artificially inseminated.   With me sitting next to her in the car.

Better yet, when I confronted her about it at home later - she confessed that she REALLY wanted to say if she had just married a better guy - but that would have been too mean.

All this, because my 13 year old asked if she could get an iPhone like her friends had.

When we were really fighting and I did something really wrong (which I admit too)

[Obibens]

When we were really fighting and I did something really wrong (which I admit too)

Oops... . hit post before I wanted too... . Ignore that.  That's a list for another time.