Boomerang Love

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been reading this book on and off for a while now and I just came across something the author put into words... . something that I've been trying to wrap my own head around for a long time now.  It made so much sense as to why I had so much trouble in the past with finding closure and letting go:

“The bitter pill at the end of a non-recovered BPD relationship is that it feels as if there is nowhere to go with the pain.  The stuckness is powerful.  Acceptance that there was an illness in the relationship…yes.  Acceptance that we couldn’t force our BPD to get well….yes.

But closure?  Where do we put the love we had (and still might have) for the good part of our BPD?  We fell in love with the good side (mask), Dr. Jekyll.  The love still exists alongside all the pain.

A death really has occurred.  The knowledge of the existence of BPD forces an acceptance of the death of the person as we thought they were – and therefore our love for the good person must somehow die also.”

[babyspook]

I've been reading this book on and off for a while now and I just came across something the author put into words... . something that I've been trying to wrap my own head around for a long time now.  It made so much sense as to why I had so much trouble in the past with finding closure and letting go:

“The bitter pill at the end of a non-recovered BPD relationship is that it feels as if there is nowhere to go with the pain.  The stuckness is powerful.  Acceptance that there was an illness in the relationship…yes.  Acceptance that we couldn’t force our BPD to get well….yes.

But closure?  Where do we put the love we had (and still might have) for the good part of our BPD?  We fell in love with the good side (mask), Dr. Jekyll.  The love still exists alongside all the pain.

A death really has occurred.  The knowledge of the existence of BPD forces an acceptance of the death of the person as we thought they were – and therefore our love for the good person must somehow die also.”

[bpdspell]

Baby spook,

I don't believe that the love we have for them ever truly dies; nor is it necessary to die to move on from them.

I believe that ultimately we must love ourselves as must as we were willing to love them.  At least that has been the big "aha!" for me. We must put that self-love into practice for now on. The ending of a toxic chaotic BPD ride is a death but it also gives birth to a new and improved version of us.

Prior to my ex I was very confused and misguided about what having love really means. I thought that love meant getting it from someone else. Period. I thought that love was something that I earned by being good to someone else. I thought that love meant self-sacrifice and self-diminishment.

Our ex's are not the period of our life's sentence.Yes. There's much grieving to be done to get on the other side of healing but there's more to life than having loved a disordered person and there is more of life to be lived.

Spell

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  It took me bailing and disconnecting emotionally to acknowledge that the person I was in love with looked just like her, but was a fantasy, a fantasy I was trying to create by loving the real her a little more, a little better.  Deluded and naive I admit, but it wasn't until after I left her that I had that awareness, and it was gut-wrenchingly painful; I didn't miss the real her at all, in fact I had grown to hate her, but the realization that the fantasy her in my head was just that, a fiction, a fabrication, never existing, felt like a death, the death of a fantasy person, but emotionally it was very real.

My heart was in the right place though, and can generate a whole lot of love.  The naivety needs to go though, so my head can be on the same page, and I can pursue a relationship with someone for which that dream is actually possible, and compatible, and I agree with spell, it needs to start with me.

[Free2Bee]

Ug. I can relate SO much to that quote. (thanks for talking about this book - I've been thinking of getting it on my Kindle, might take the plunge now).

I've been thinking about this too, how much I still love her and her absence really feels like a little death. I'm very artistic and like to express myself through art journaling. I've been writing down a few things and planning an art page about my ex, sort of a 'memorial' of sorts, honouring the things I loved about the relationship and will miss. Sort of to put them to rest - does that make sense?

I've also been more and more allowing myself to grieve. I haven't cried a lot over her departure, but now I'm starting to feel the tears come - I just sit with them. In many ways, she was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. I don't think I'll completely forget her for a very long time... .

[Waifed]

Yes.  It took me bailing and disconnecting emotionally to acknowledge that the person I was in love with looked just like her, but was a fantasy, a fantasy I was trying to create by loving the real her a little more, a little better.  :)eluded and naive I admit, but it wasn't until after I left her that I had that awareness, and it was gut-wrenchingly painful; I didn't miss the real her at all, in fact I had grown to hate her, but the realization that the fantasy her in my head was just that, a fiction, a fabrication, never existing, felt like a death, the death of a fantasy person, but emotionally it was very real.

My heart was in the right place though, and can generate a whole lot of love.  The naivety needs to go though, so my head can be on the same page, and I can pursue a relationship with someone for which that dream is actually possible, and compatible, and I agree with spell, it needs to start with me.

Thank you for this Heel... .

Tears came to my eyes and a sense of reality covered me as I read this.  It is simply stated yet so precise.  I think I must leave work for the day and go home to cry it out.  Maybe my last set of tears over this.  Thank You

[babyspook]

Ug. I can relate SO much to that quote. (thanks for talking about this book - I've been thinking of getting it on my Kindle, might take the plunge now).

I've been thinking about this too, how much I still love her and her absence really feels like a little death. I'm very artistic and like to express myself through art journaling. I've been writing down a few things and planning an art page about my ex, sort of a 'memorial' of sorts, honouring the things I loved about the relationship and will miss. Sort of to put them to rest - does that make sense?

I've also been more and more allowing myself to grieve. I haven't cried a lot over her departure, but now I'm starting to feel the tears come - I just sit with them. In many ways, she was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. I don't think I'll completely forget her for a very long time... .

That’s EXACTLY what I say when people ask me about her.  I’ve taken great strides at emotionally detaching from that chapter in my life and take from it the knowledge and strength I’ve gained from it.  I’ve moved on and no longer have to ask myself “What do I do now?”  I am happy with me again and you will be too someday, Kai.   

[myself]

I don't think love dies, but the efforts of continuing to share it with them do come to an end. Grieve the good, and the bad, that sounds right. Where we go from here is up to us.

I agree, we need to focus our love on ourselves to really get this.

It's as if I gave her an important book. She chose to not read it properly, not getting all she could from it. It wasn't lost, though. I have a better version of it now, which I will give to someone else in time.

There was truth in her and I fell in love, but too many lies to stay.

There's an Arthur Miller quote I read recently that says a lot about what we're going through as we leave these relationships behind:

"An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted."

[Numbers]

It's as if I gave her an important book. She chose to not read it properly, not getting all she could from it. It wasn't lost, though. I have a better version of it now, which I will give to someone else in time.

Yeah, poor her (I am serious). All she created was another ruin. And although this last ruin is me myself, human nature works against us and there is so much to pity.

Here is hoping that one day I will feel enriched by this experience.

[RecycledNoMore]

Yes, I have read cried and laughed my way through this book, the most tragic account from the author Lyn Melville, is when her husband goes on meds for a few months, and it starts to work they are so happy, but then he decides hes cured and stops taking them, she was allowed a brief glimpse into heaven, then the door was slammed in her face

She had to say goodbye to the dream...

I have said goodbye to the illusion, but for Lyn to be soo close, to see what might have been, must have been devastating to say the least

[Tincanmike]

Yes, I have read cried and laughed my way through this book, the most tragic account from the author Lyn Melville, is when her husband goes on meds for a few months, and it starts to work they are so happy, but then he decides hes cured and stops taking them, she was allowed a brief glimpse into heaven, then the door was slammed in her face

She had to say goodbye to the dream...

I have said goodbye to the illusion, but for Lyn to be soo close, to see what might have been, must have been devastating to say the least

It is tragic. My (soon to be) ex-wife was committed to mental health institutions 3 times in our 8 year relationship. Each of the three times she tried to overdose on pills and alcohol.  And after each 30 day stint she would come back home and proceed to outpatient therapy and taking medication.  Things really did seem to be getting better, because she was working on herself.  But I didn't work on myself through these times.  I was supportive as I could be, but in time she would proclaim that she was better, that the medicine wasn't working or making her gain weight and the cycle towards drama and trauma would start again.  It is hard to get so close to a better thing and then have it fail.  I must say though that I could have done more to work on myself during these times.  It is truly a two-way street.

[sadinnc98]

Yes.  It took me bailing and disconnecting emotionally to acknowledge that the person I was in love with looked just like her, but was a fantasy, a fantasy I was trying to create by loving the real her a little more, a little better.  Deluded and naive I admit, but it wasn't until after I left her that I had that awareness, and it was gut-wrenchingly painful; I didn't miss the real her at all, in fact I had grown to hate her, but the realization that the fantasy her in my head was just that, a fiction, a fabrication, never existing, felt like a death, the death of a fantasy person, but emotionally it was very real.

My heart was in the right place though, and can generate a whole lot of love.  The naivety needs to go though, so my head can be on the same page, and I can pursue a relationship with someone for which that dream is actually possible, and compatible, and I agree with spell, it needs to start with me.

How did you get to that point to bail? I KNOW my r/s is dead... but I can't get the impetus to move on and block, etc... .

[LilMissSunshine]

Yes.  It took me bailing and disconnecting emotionally to acknowledge that the person I was in love with looked just like her, but was a fantasy, a fantasy I was trying to create by loving the real her a little more, a little better.  Deluded and naive I admit, but it wasn't until after I left her that I had that awareness, and it was gut-wrenchingly painful; I didn't miss the real her at all, in fact I had grown to hate her, but the realization that the fantasy her in my head was just that, a fiction, a fabrication, never existing, felt like a death, the death of a fantasy person, but emotionally it was very real.

I feel the same way.  Well put FHTH.  The part about it feeling like a death really hits home to me.  I lost my former spouse 7 months ago to Cancer (we have 3 children together and got along well).  I completely and constantly still mourn his death.  I find myself going through the same emotions regarding my uexBPDbf.  In many ways, it's been the same ride - the same stages of mourning.

[fromheeltoheal]

How did you get to that point to bail? I KNOW my r/s is dead... but I can't get the impetus to move on and block, etc... .

Bailing was easy, in fact the only choice, at the end.  We went through the idealization, clinging and then devaluing stages like everyone else here, and during the devaluation she was complaining, raging, making humor at my expense, being disrespectful, belittling, all the fun virtually constantly, and for a while I was stuck in trying to make it better, trying to fix it, trying to get back to where we were, completely confused as to what was going on and what to do about it.  Sitting down and having an adult problem-solving conversation was impossible, we never resolved anything and everything was my fault, per usual.  So my next trick, dysfunctional as hell, was to start giving her back what she was giving me.  It was all about control with her, and when I'd had enough and starting standing up for myself, a healthy thing to do, she just escalated further until it was spinning out of control.  I was massively pissed off and felt I was going insane, so bailing was the only option.  And of course she felt abandoned, panic set in, and a few days later I got some sickly-sweet voice mails from her, turning on the charm that had worked well in the beginning, acting as if we hadn't just been through a week of absolute hell, and I found it totally transparent and disgusting; it was having the opposite effect she wanted it to.  My anger is what saved me in the end, pissed off enough to want nothing to do with her, even though my heart was aching, and eventually I found this site and began to learn and heal.

[RecycledNoMore]

It is tragic. My (soon to be) ex-wife was committed to mental health institutions 3 times in our 8 year relationship. Each of the three times she tried to overdose on pills and alcohol.  And after each 30 day stint she would come back home and proceed to outpatient therapy and taking medication.  Things really did seem to be getting better, because she was working on herself.  But I didn't work on myself through these times.  I was supportive as I could be, but in time she would proclaim that she was better, that the medicine wasn't working or making her gain weight and the cycle towards drama and trauma would start again.  It is hard to get so close to a better thing and then have it fail.  I must say though that I could have done more to work on myself during these times.  It is truly a two-way street.[/quote]
Oh tincan, fk thats a raw deal, im so sorry, I did 8 yrs too... it sounds like you blame yourself? Please dont tcmike, like you said it went in cycles, very true for pwBPD in general, always cycles, I bet there was a million things I could have done differently, but I know the outcome would have been the same,BPD is the most bizzarely confusing, destructive mind boggling THING I have ever come across,everyday I read these boards and im astounded

Were just human tcmike,the odds were already stacked heavily against you, how are you doing now?

[Tincanmike]

Recyclednomore,

I am doing better I suppose.  I'm finally starting to accept things for the way they are.  I am looking into a divorce and she has moved onto and in with someone else.  I know that I will be better in the long run for all of this.  I made a commitment in my heart and head to stick with her no matter what.  But now I know that that was not healthy for me.  I couldn't change her or make her better.  My drinking was getting bad.  I became stingy with it and was making myself unavailable to her and myself.  I had been arrested and let go without any charges before when we had had big fights and she would call the police.  A weekend in jail and back home.  The latest and last time I got charged by the state for domestic battery.  She did not press charges.  She could have easily been arrested that night too, but I avoided it for the sake of our house and our dogs (whom I love very much). Someone needed to take care of things on the home front.

Now I am on probation for a year, having to attend batterer's intervention courses.  I have been essentially labeled by the state.  I do know that most of the people in our small town (that I have since moved from) knew the truth though.  She was my first and I have to know in my heart, that she won't be my last.  I am gradually getting out of the fog and beginning the intimidating steps of venturing into dating.  Dating sites suck by the way.

I guess all in all I am getting better all the time.  But it is a slippery slope I'm attempting to climb.  I miss her, but I don't miss the drama.  I've called a lawyer about getting a divorce and feel a little strange about doing this.  My parent's divorce was extremely hard for me when I was graduating high school and moving into college.

The last week or so I have found that I'm not obsessing about her so much and beginning to get more comfortable in my own shoes.  I truly hope that she will have a better life.  But her decisions will lead her where they may.  Thanks for asking. I guess you asked at a critical stage of healing for me, thus the length of this reply.  For all you still confused, hurt, depressed, sick and tired... . it does get better. Don't expect a lot in a hurry.  All we can do is make our best effort every day.  The rest will come with time.

[Waifed]

How did you get to that point to bail? I KNOW my r/s is dead... but I can't get the impetus to move on and block, etc... .

Bailing was easy, in fact the only choice, at the end.  We went through the idealization, clinging and then devaluing stages like everyone else here, and during the devaluation she was complaining, raging, making humor at my expense, being disrespectful, belittling, all the fun virtually constantly, and for a while I was stuck in trying to make it better, trying to fix it, trying to get back to where we were, completely confused as to what was going on and what to do about it.  Sitting down and having an adult problem-solving conversation was impossible, we never resolved anything and everything was my fault, per usual.  So my next trick, dysfunctional as hell, was to start giving her back what she was giving me.  It was all about control with her, and when I'd had enough and starting standing up for myself, a healthy thing to do, she just escalated further until it was spinning out of control.  I was massively pissed off and felt I was going insane, so bailing was the only option.  And of course she felt abandoned, panic set in, and a few days later I got some sickly-sweet voice mails from her, turning on the charm that had worked well in the beginning, acting as if we hadn't just been through a week of absolute hell, and I found it totally transparent and disgusting; it was having the opposite effect she wanted it to.  My anger is what saved me in the end, pissed off enough to want nothing to do with her, even though my heart was aching, and eventually I found this site and began to learn and heal.

Wow, you just summed up my relationship and how it progressed up to the end. Add me accusing her of being BPD and a phone call from the cops and there you have it.

[RecycledNoMore]

Recyclednomore,

I am doing better I suppose.  I'm finally starting to accept things for the way they are.  I am looking into a divorce and she has moved onto and in with someone else.  I know that I will be better in the long run for all of this.  I made a commitment in my heart and head to stick with her no matter what.  But now I know that that was not healthy for me.  I couldn't change her or make her better.  My drinking was getting bad.  I became stingy with it and was making myself unavailable to her and myself.  I had been arrested and let go without any charges before when we had had big fights and she would call the police.  A weekend in jail and back home.  The latest and last time I got charged by the state for domestic battery.  She did not press charges.  She could have easily been arrested that night too, but I avoided it for the sake of our house and our dogs (whom I love very much). Someone needed to take care of things on the home front.

Now I am on probation for a year, having to attend batterer's intervention courses.  I have been essentially labeled by the state.  I do know that most of the people in our small town (that I have since moved from) knew the truth though.  She was my first and I have to know in my heart, that she won't be my last.  I am gradually getting out of the fog and beginning the intimidating steps of venturing into dating.  Dating sites suck by the way.

I guess all in all I am getting better all the time.  But it is a slippery slope I'm attempting to climb.  I miss her, but I don't miss the drama.  I've called a lawyer about getting a divorce and feel a little strange about doing this.  My parent's divorce was extremely hard for me when I was graduating high school and moving into college.

The last week or so I have found that I'm not obsessing about her so much and beginning to get more comfortable in my own shoes.  I truly hope that she will have a better life.  But her decisions will lead her where they may.  Thanks for asking. I guess you asked at a critical stage of healing for me, thus the length of this reply.  For all you still confused, hurt, depressed, sick and tired... . it does get better. Don't expect a lot in a hurry.  All we can do is make our best effort every day.  The rest will come with time.

We are in the same place it seams

Getting over the hump of it

Trying to make sense of the past,but also looking toward the future... .

P.s I dont think ill be trying the dating sites, that is the exs hunting ground, the place where he chose to betray me the most.Il stick to the real world, I want to look someone in the eye, they are the windows to the soul afteralll...

Yes TCM time,our greatest enemy and our greatest healer... .

Sorry for hijacking the thread... .