I keep getting trapped to stay...

[Mike76]

I told my dBPDw that I was done and I have checked out of our marriage. 

I first shared this about 1 month ago at a MC session.   She just gave a blank stare change the subject and we went on like a normal session.  Over the next couple days I talk to my wife about a divorce.    (Side note... . I told my T nothing was going to change my mind, I told MC in private I was done and nothing would change my mind about not divorcing)

About 2 weeks ago, (being about 1-2 weeks) after I share the idea of divorce to the dBPDw, I started to get apologizes for some of the crap she out me through.   She has told me more in the past 2 weeks that she loves me than in the past 3-4 years.  She has said that "maybe I was wrong the way I acted". 

I have received fewer insults, and negative comments in the past 2 weeks than ever before". 

When real stressful events happens, she regulated herself rather well.   

She made the following comment "we are christian and divorce is not an option, that being said I may have pushed the line to far, I thought I could say and do anything because I believed you would never divorce me.  This was a mistake I made". 

Also, as I man I do not believe the wife should be submissive to the husband.   But my wife said  "I have never been submissive to, maybe I should have listened to you more in the past"

She has not herself or have I to been permitted to visit parents for many months at a time in the past(the are local). She has made arrangements to do so in the past week.

The simple little things ... . the quick phone to you at work (hi there, hope you have a OK day, love you) would pissed her off in the past.  Now the makes the calls to me.   

The acknowledgment of chores being completed at come or cleaning and warming up her snowing car.  In the past would I think note even be noticed.  In the last 2 weeks, that for talking care of that.

I have been able to speak, share my feelings to her,  share how close I am divorcing, sharing why I feel the way I do.   She has sat there and listened to me.  At the end, so I may really be divorced this year.  That can not be true and I am devastated. 

Just 3-4 weeks ago, I would hear,  your a failure, you deserved the times I assaulted, I do not need to listen to you. I am say and doing anything I wish.  I hope and pray you will not divorce me.

I am confused.   4 weeks ago my bags were packed, in fact most are still in the trunk of the car. I could have stated the 101 reasons why I am divorcing.  I could listed all the reason why I figured at she has BPD, and why those ruined are marriage.   Every issue has been addressed in the past 2 weeks. 

The largest part of me makes me think she is only saying this stuff to save the marriage, and less of a desire to change.  She is just saying what it will take to save the marriage, and not that she wishes to change. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[karma_gal]

I am sure your mind is reeling right now and you are probably more confused than ever. I will tell you my experience and hopefully some others can chime in to give you some objective advice to consider in the coming days and weeks.

I could have written your post verbatim with regard to my husband so I think that sticks out right away for me. I may just be cynical at this point but it is scary how identical your situation is that on the surface it seems like another BPD play book sort if thing.

I noticed this happened with us at exactly the same crossroads. We were at the therapist. I made it clear that I was done and simply had nothing else to give to the marriage and could not tolerate the roller coaster anymore. The therapist agreed saying she just didn't have faith that my H was capable of doing the personal work necessary to save the marriage.

I had the lawyer draw up the documents and was ready to go. All of a sudden he did what your wife is doing now - essentially all the things he should have been doing all along. His negative attitude turned positive, he was helping out around the house and with the kids, calling and texting sweet nothings through the day, asking me to set him for dinner, the list goes on.

Based on all of that I dropped the divorce because I thought maybe *this* time he got it and we had turned a corner. As with all things in life, it seemed too good to be true... . and was. He was able to sustain the new and improved him for about five weeks and then returned to his normal self.

Your wife may be sincere, she may get it this time... . But please give it the appropriate amount of time before you get your hopes up that you guys have turned a corner. My husband is able to change for short periods if time but that is it because it is all an act and nobody can keep that up long term. The mask always falls off.

Make sure you give yourself time and space to think in the coming weeks because she is likely to ramp up and it can become suffocating. If you need to make a couple individual appointments with the therapist to talk through things. Do not let her force you into a decision because of FOG issues. PwBPD have such a fear of abandonment that she is likely to pull out all the stops now that you are ready to lave and it is so easy to stay because this is what you have wanted all along right? Just make sure to be realistic about the changes she appears to have made so quickly and the likelihood that she has completely changed so drastically so quickly.

Sorry for typos and choppiness. On phone and can't read what I wrote for some reason.

[Seneca]

YUP, to all of it. nope, no real change. last ditch effort to get you not to leave. and throwing the christianity in there? THAT MAKES ME SO FREAKING MAD!   he used my/ our faith against me so many times. (divorce is a sin. you aren't being a good or submissive wife to me. God is mad at you.) IT IS MANIPULATION brother, plain and simple.

but it feels soo good to our broken, devastated, beaten hearts. mine has been doing this to me lately (you're right, i'm sick. everything is my fault. you are wonderful to stay with me. blah blah) you know when else he did this, FIVE years ago, and about 2000 dysregulations have passed since then. of course the contrition doesn't last. anything they can say to not be abandoned, they will say it. she is not conscious of this, and probably believes it right now. but once those bags are out of your trunk, and the danger has passed, it'll be back to the same old program and you will be even more devastated than before. so so so so sorry that this is the situation you are in. look at the years of evidence, not these few good weeks, when making your choices.   

[hergestridge]

I am a civilized person and I have always tried talking to my BPD wife, reasoning with her and having a dialogue. It has not been very succesful, but I have noticed that when my I occasinally lost my patience and started to scream and make (non violent) threats - it has worked a treat. It is the most depressing realization - that it seems to comfort my wife when I really lose my temper and rage. To me it's the ultimate failure. It's not supposed to happen.

I think it's the same mechanism you see at work. Once you stop negotiating she becomes cooperative.

[Murbay]

I am a civilized person and I have always tried talking to my BPD wife, reasoning with her and having a dialogue. It has not been very succesful, but I have noticed that when my I occasinally lost my patience and started to scream and make (non violent) threats - it has worked a treat.

That's quite worrying and set alarm bells ringing. She was fixated on me getting angry and frustrated that I wouldn't. It was like she was trying to push buttons to get me to react and then turned nasty when I would sigh and walk away rather than giving her the validation.

Right now I'm not responding to her threats and intimidation in e-mails so she has gone after my family in a very nasty way, leaving nasty voice messages for my mother, abusive to my sister and so forth. Both of which have remained NC too. She is trying to provoke a response and that only ever happened when something major happened in her life.

In terms of the bigger picture, because we are able to carry our own guilt for any outbursts or episodes, it's like they try and pass that responsibility on to us and then use it at a later date. Like I say, my ex made up anger claims and rather than seeing it being a lie on her behalf, I'm wondering now if in her mind it was the outcome she was desperately seeking.

[WalrusGumboot]

The largest part of me makes me think she is only saying this stuff to save the marriage, and less of a desire to change.  She is just saying what it will take to save the marriage, and not that she wishes to change. 

Listen to your gut on this one, because it is probably right.

I had similar circumstances as you, right down to the christian part. It was only when she knew I was out of there did the apologies come spilling out. She sweet talked me into a recycle three times. Nothing ever changed. Things just got a little more polite for a while, but in the end, nothing changed.

I signed the divorce papers almost two years ago.

[hergestridge]

The one thing that we tend to look past:

We seem to have trouble communicating so many things to them. But then we call their bluff, check out, leave the building. Then it turned out they understod what we were saying all along.

So much of the "communication problems" is in fact just stubbornness and defense on their part. I've had my wife admitting (in her weaker moments) that she's aware so many times that she's been both wrong and mean in our discussions, but that she's just painted herself into a corner and didn't know how to get out without losing face.

It takes a crisis to make her put all that nonsense aside and start speaking the truth. Because she knows the truth, but doesn't have a habit of sticking to it.

[empathic]

My wife has told me that she'd prefer me to lose my temper and get really angry instead of being calm during arguments. She says she's used to that as when she grew up in her family they all shouted at eachother when arguing. Sorry, but that's not me.

Looking at myself, I have the problem that I take things to heart when being wronged. Even if I can tell clearly that the person abusing me is wrong, my stomach turns into a knot and I feel a lot of anxiety when being yelled at. If I didn't feel that way I might have been able to handle my wifes outbursts differently. And I wouldn't feel anxious in the evenings fearing that my wife wants another "talk".