declining an expensive gift from a BP friend

[bluebasket321]

My BP friend gave me a new iPhone a week ago as a belated xmas gift. She paid a lot for it -- more than I know she can afford. I don't want to hurt her feelings by rejecting a present but I really feel uncomfortable accepting it -- I feel like I'm taking advantage of her overgenerosity (and her impulsive spending) and I dont think that's something friends do. 

I've been calling her all week because I wanted to talk to her about it but she hasn't answered the phone or attempted to call back.  I'm used to her ignoring my calls from time to time but this was more than usual. 

I started thinking to myself, what's the point of giving someone a phone if you're going to be unresponsive when they use it to contact you!   

I'm planning to return the phone tomorrow and give her the money when I next see her because I just don't feel comfortable with it.  I'm just a bit afraid of what her reaction is going to be.

I'm not sure how to explain my reasoning to her without triggering a drama since I'm not sure how's she going to take it.

Any suggestions?

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[bluebasket321]

Maybe this is really cynical of me, but I also feel kind of manipulated -- because typically after she gives me a present on a special occasion she will just disappear and be unresponsive for a period... . and then I feel like I'm not allowed to say anything because I'm supposed to be showing gratitude.

[an0ught]

Hi bluebasket321,

Maybe this is really cynical of me, but I also feel kind of manipulated -- because typically after she gives me a present on a special occasion she will just disappear and be unresponsive for a period... . and then I feel like I'm not allowed to say anything because I'm supposed to be showing gratitude.

understandable that you feel this way. But maybe put those feelings away as she won't appreciate them making something difficult more difficult.

It is good that you aim at being responsible and plan to act according to your values. In some sense this is a boundary, limits of what you accept. And as it was violated you feel uneasy. That is normal.

So how to tell her?

Check out the workshop on S.E.T.. The key questions may be:

   - What were her emotions when she decided to give it to you?

  - What are her emotions regarding this returned gift that are in play when you talk to her?

[bluebasket321]

Well I attempted to talk to her about it today and it as expected, it blew up in my face. 

I actually didn't get to say much -- she cut me off right away saying she knew what I was going to say and that if I even think of returning the gift to her she would throw it in the garbage and our friendship would be over (adding that she would change her number so I could never contact her again).

Then she told me she didn't want to talk about it and that I better leave before she says anything she regrets.

I just said ok and left it at that. 

I expect I will get the silent treatment now for 10 days or so.

Should I just wait it out or should I write her an email saying what I wanted to say but couldn't?

[an0ught]

I actually didn't get to say much -- she cut me off right away saying she knew what I was going to say and that if I even think of returning the gift to her she would throw it in the garbage and our friendship would be over (adding that she would change her number so I could never contact her again).

Listening is not really a strength and from what you tell it sounds like she was afraid of that happening. Possibly deep down in the back of her mind she knew it was an inappropriate gift and hated to be called out on it. Or she is simply very sensitive to any sort of rejection. Or all of the above. Sorry to hear that it blew up despite your preparation and the phone problem for you is not resolved.

Explaining to her again why you don't want it may be just rubbing salt into the wound (JADE=Justify Argue Defend Explain). Considering that she is giving you the silent treatment it may be better to just listen and validate her concerns (rejected, not loved, disappointed etc.) for the time being. At one point she needs to get the message that you like her even w/o expensive gifts but maybe that can wait for another day.

Looks like you are not getting any cooperation from her on that issue and need to find a way for your peace of mind that is not dependent on her.