medical decision and full custody

[livednlearned]

I was awarded full custody last month. Three years ago, S12 was diagnosed ADHD/ADD combined type. Trying to work with N/BPDx on getting S12 support at school and counseling, and medication, was so confounding it became a big issue during the custody hearing. You all know how it goes. He blocked things every step of the way because I was involved, which affected S12's ability to get the right help, instead of two parents focusing on what was best for S12.

N/BPDx said he did not believe the dx, but did think it was good to give S12 medication. It didn't make sense and confused everyone. The doctor would not prescribe medication until N/BPDx agreed to the dx. We hit a stall, and I decided to focus on other ways of helping S12.

I work with him on his organizational skills, he continues to see a counselor, and he's in a special program at school that focuses on organization. S12 falls under Twice Exceptional programs because he is gifted and ADHD. He's in classes that challenge him, but his grades are all over the place. He does homework, and then forgets to hand it in. His teachers ask him to do something, and he forgets 2 seconds later. It frustrates him to no end.

He's also been having a tough time with peers. About a week ago, he brought up his ADHD, thinking his impulsivity might be creating problems for him. I told him he could talk to a doctor about medication if he felt it might help. He said yes, and has been very curious, asking lots of questions, double-checked that I had made the appointment, very eager to talk to the doctor today.

Appointment went well, we got the prescription. The doctor and S12 had a good conversation, and I like how involved in this decision S12 has been, the questions he was asking (he wanted to know if the medication was going to make him boring  ), and basically how to be responsible about using medication in addition with other kinds of lifestyle choices (like not drinking caffeine while taking a stimulant).

All good.

Question is, do I tell N/BPDx?

I'm worried about sabotage.

[newlymarried]

Why would you tell the ex? He has no control over the medical decisions, right? As long as he can't do anything about it, there is no reason to borrow trouble.

[maxen]

would there be parent-teacher meetings which both of you would attend?

[Nope]

Is your son likely to tell your ex? You would be surprised the number of things D10 tells us, even though she is actively trying to protect her BPDmom. Generally she tells us things under the mistaken impression that they are no big deal. (I.e. "My mom told me that I don't really need my glasses so I don't use them."

Especially since your ex is triggered right now because of your dating you can bet that he would lose it over the realization that he doesn't even get to control this. Bottom line, if you think he is likely to find out some other way, bite the bullet and make yourself the target. It can safely be all your fault. But if he really isn't likely to find out, or at least not any time soon, there is no reason to invite trouble. All he has to do is make your son feel bad about taking the medicine and he may very well stop. I know your ex was fine about the medicine before, but he didn't know you were dating before.

No that last sentence doesn't need to make any logical sense.

[livednlearned]

I know your ex was fine about the medicine before, but he didn't know you were dating before.

No that last sentence doesn't need to make any logical sense.

I must be feeling better because that made me laugh out loud. Because I read the sentence and didn't even pause. I'm so used to illogical thinking it made perfect sense.

@newlymarried -- you're right that I don't have to tell him. But I'm in a different place than a lot of people here because custody isn't hanging over my head so much anymore. So now, everything is purely psychological. It's about managing things so so that S12 doesn't get hurt. I'm more worried that N/BPDx will create a scene with the dr, or tell S12 something weird.

@maxen -- unless it's court or a school performance, N/BPDx and I aren't likely to be in the same room at the same time for a long, long time.

@nope -- I dropped S12 off at his dad's, and told him that I would like to discuss the medication with his dad before he tells him. I think I handled it ok. I said that his dad might feel hurt if it doesn't come from me, since I'm the parent making the decision. Even though N/BPDx is disordered, I'm inclined to tell him, but not until S12 has had a chance to experienced the medication. Like you say (and this was exactly my concern) N/BPDx could say something to S12 that makes him think taking the medication is wrong, and only because I'm involved.

[maxen]

@maxen -- unless it's court or a school performance, N/BPDx and I aren't likely to be in the same room at the same time for a long, long time.

ok. my concern was that would be a venue where he'd find out.

i think you ought to tell him, but also right to wait until you and your son see the effects and you decide to stay with the medication.

[livednlearned]

I will kick myself if telling him makes things worse for S12.

I must be eternally optimistic.

[Free One]

The only reason I can see for telling him (and I would only give him an FYI with the name of the prescription), is if it is a medication that could possible have interactions and S12 was spending time with dad that in an emergency, dad might need to let medical professionals know what meds son is on.

That was long winded. Since his time right now is needed, you might want to operate on a need-to-know basis.

What does S12 think of telling dad?

[livednlearned]

The only reason I can see for telling him (and I would only give him an FYI with the name of the prescription), is if it is a medication that could possible have interactions and S12 was spending time with dad that in an emergency, dad might need to let medical professionals know what meds son is on.

That was long winded. Since his time right now is needed, you might want to operate on a need-to-know basis.

What does S12 think of telling dad?

I think S12 probably didn't think it was a big deal to tell his dad until I said to let me tell N/BPDx. Whenever something comes up that feels like a Big Deal, S12 kinda goes into a trance. I think in his mind he's trying to reconcile the good dad/bad dad dichotomy, filing away whatever topic as Something To Handle Carefully. He doesn't want to trigger his dad's issues any more than I do, so now he knows that medication is a potential trigger issue.

One night during my marriage, I thought S12 might be having appendicitis -- we were in the movie theater and S12 felt hot and said he had a sharp pain in his belly. I remember thinking that if I took S12 to the ER and called N/BPDx, I would have to handle a drunk man in the ER drunk while trying to take care of S12, not to mention N/BPDx would have to drive drunk to get there. If I didn't call N/BPDx, then he would be enraged that I took S12 to the ER without calling him. It turned out to be just gas   so I didn't have to rush S12 to the hospital, but when we got home, S12 told his dad he almost had appendicitis. N/BPDx ended up raging at me anyway, yelling about how HE had appendicitis as a kid, and I was as bad as HIS parents were, who went out to DINNER while N/BPDx was practically DYING on the couch, home alone as a kid with a FEVER and NO ONE CARED.

The difference now is that I don't have to inform N/BPDx. Big picture, worse-case scenario, N/BPDx should be informed. Likely scenario, N/BPDx will call all of S12's doctors raging about how the diagnosis is fake, I am a bad mother, etc.

Maybe the best thing to do is let the doctor's offices know that I have full custody, and to head N/BPDx off at the pass. And then talk to S12's counselor about the medication, and figure out a way to explain that his dad feels hurt about things, and gets mad when he feels left out, like making decisions about medication.

[Falloutgirl]

My D13 sees a psych who monitors her Rx for ADD and anxiety and adjusts as necessary. Last week the psych recommended that D do some short-term talk therapy due to increasing anxiety. I found a great one, let my STBX (bipolar and BPD) know and asked him to check his insurance coverage. He blamed ME for being a bad parent and said he refuses to support this and that I need training in parenting skills. The best part? He sees the same psych for HIS meds, so he knows and trusts her.

Thank God I don't get upset about his stunts anymore.