Ending the Terminal Recycle

[nowwhatz]

Hi Everyone.

Sorry I can't do more for the members of this site than just share my experiences.

Well today I put on hold the latest recycle with the BPDgf.  I had to do it via text because her phone is off and I can't really call her.

I have not felt comfortable with her over the last couple weeks. She got off one of her meds (no money). I offered to buy it for her ... . it is pretty cheap but she in a  "i will be fine/i am a loser/help me/i want to be with you forever/i will be fine/no thanks etc etc mode.

She is currently in a very desperate situation but has her adult child with her and soon to be ex husband providing for her extreme legal bills ... . but nothing else... . he is now broke due to her. She has been separated from him for 4 years and on/off with me for almost 3.

I told her via text I want to cool things off so she can focus on her son and just be friends until she is completely divorced and her legal issues are finalized (she might or might not go to jail).  Those things will be done by the end of the month.

I think she thought she could control me because I have always been the only guy who "accepts" her. While I do accept her and am very tolerant and patient I felt like it was time to put this to a halt to clear my mind and because it is the right thing to do.

In addition to feeling uncomfortable and exhausted with her I'm concerned that she might be going to jail (which she mail be in denial about) and she should spend as much time as possible with her son.

She reacted with confusion, sadness and the familiar "adios" reply.  In the past she had a lot of backup guys but this time I think there are none, and if there are I don't really care this time.

Anyways... . I am sure by tomorrow the withdrawals will start for me.  I am going to try to just plow through the days as best I can. Keep busy. Enjoy my family, friends, and hobbies and work.

I kept the door open. If she can straighten out her life later and there is still some spark between us I can consider trying again.

For now I have dumped her when she is at her lowest (before she dumps me perhaps).  I think it was the right thing to do.

to be continued

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hey man, just wanted to let you know I read your post and I'm thinking about you.  Take it easy.

Phoenix

[nowwhatz]

Hey man, just wanted to let you know I read your post and I'm thinking about you.  Take it easy.

Phoenix

Thanks very much Phoenix!

I wonder if I was impulsive and made a knee jerk decision.

I was letting her use my netflix account but changed login today. I don't want to give her anything else.

Right now she has no car, no phone, no job, no $, no husband, no bf, has to go to court soon for plea on felony fraud/theft charges (will probably get probation... . first time offender).

I know the dance and the pattern. She will not try to contact me for a long time and already trying to find a replacement. I will be sad and obsess for a few days then be sad for a while longer. I hope my action will break the pattern.

I don't know exactly what she did to get in trouble with the law but am thinking of going to the plea hearing coming up to find out.  She will hate me for it if I go but I want to know what she did. Then I will go to the sentencing hearing.

Does anyone think that is a good idea or should I just keep her in the rear view mirror?

[thicker skin]

I think you're worth more than this 'lady' has to offer nowwhatz.

Being kind and gentle with a kind and gentle woman is lovely and makes for beautiful things. Being kind and gentle with this type of person makes you an easy target for more hurt further down the line.

Step back, good man.

There is a lovely lady waiting for you, who will return your good intentions and move forward with you, instead of falling back on you when there's nobody else to pick up her pieces.

TS x

[nowwhatz]

I think you're worth more than this 'lady' has to offer nowwhatz.

Being kind and gentle with a kind and gentle woman is lovely and makes for beautiful things. Being kind and gentle with this type of person makes you an easy target for more hurt further down the line.

Step back, good man.

There is a lovely lady waiting for you, who will return your good intentions and move forward with you, instead of falling back on you when there's nobody else to pick up her pieces.

TS x

Thanks TS.

Sometimes I think we deserve each other.  She is totally dysregulated right now.  I succombed and picked up her meds for her after she told me she was hurting herself again.

Being off her meds she got totally dysregulated over the last week or so which probably caused my reaction... . my reaction seemed to clear the fog for both of us. The likely scenario for her legal issue is probation and then 50/50 she will be deported.  She has threatened suicide if she has to go to jail but I don't buy it... . she is a survivor.

If there is a lovely lady out there waiting for me to return my good intentions I hope I am not permanently tainted and my heart hardened by my 3 year experience with the BPD "lady."

I am starting to wake up perhaps. Thank you for your input and nice comments.

[thicker skin]

Nice guys pick up meds for lady's who aren't nice to them. She's not too sick to pick up antibiotics and you've just been normally caring and attentive. The meds were to keep her stable... . She chose not to take them.

There are plenty of genuinely kind and lovely women out there. You at least have learned what you don't like from this one, so it wasn't a completely wasted three years.

Know your worth, what you do and don't like and don't accept anything less than plain old lovely for yourself.

Advise yourself like you'd advise an old friend... . What would you be saying to your best mate?

[nowwhatz]

Nice guys pick up meds for lady's who aren't nice to them. She's not too sick to pick up antibiotics and you've just been normally caring and attentive. The meds were to keep her stable... . She chose not to take them.

There are plenty of genuinely kind and lovely women out there. You at least have learned what you don't like from this one, so it wasn't a completely wasted three years.

Know your worth, what you do and don't like and don't accept anything less than plain old lovely for yourself.

Advise yourself like you'd advise an old friend... . What would you be saying to your best mate?

TS,

Very true. Sadly she was doing well on the latest med cocktail which was prescribed after a thorough psych exam. When her script for effexor ran out about 3 weeks ago but she was still fairly regulated... . then about 1 week ago she stopped taking abilify (didn't tell me) and became totally disregulated, precipitating my dumping of her.

Yeah I would tell my best mate to step back and see how things roll over the next couple of weeks, stay in contact as a "friend" but keep it controlled.  I am trying to follow my own advice.

This is the first recycle ending where we didn't cut each other off completely so maybe there is progress. Fact is she has nothing to give and no love to give (no matter how many times she says I love you etc) because she hates herself, and she acknowledges that.  Nobody but her can fix that.

Yes there is a lovely lady out there for me. Difficult to find one that has the qualities I like in the crazy gf without the qualities I hate.

I hope I am learning something positive through all of this. Thank you again for your input and support.

[living in the past]

 hi, if she doesn"t want you to go to court with her i wouldn"t go,you could ask her again, they do need support.i think it was good you got the meds for her,but in reality this illness is a lot more than we can handle,it helps learning about it here, but its still very hard and does a number on us,i am glad to me apart of this BPD-family website,thanks for posting.

[nowwhatz]

hi, if she doesn"t want you to go to court with her i wouldn"t go,you could ask her again, they do need support.i think it was good you got the meds for her,but in reality this illness is a lot more than we can handle,it helps learning about it here, but its still very hard and does a number on us,i am glad to me apart of this BPD-family website,thanks for posting.

I saw her yesterday and the meds are certainly helping. While driving her home I was fairly silent... . nothing to say. She asked me what I was thinking... . I said I am thinking nothing... . I have turned off my brain.    Then I asked her what she was thinking and she started saying she felt homeless... . trying to suck me into something.

Surprisingly I called bs on her and she seemed to take it without getting offended.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyfOxpyBkCE

[nowwhatz]

hi, if she doesn"t want you to go to court with her i wouldn"t go,you could ask her again, they do need support.i think it was good you got the meds for her,but in reality this illness is a lot more than we can handle,it helps learning about it here, but its still very hard and does a number on us,i am glad to me apart of this BPD-family website,thanks for posting.

I think I need to go to the court hearing (it is a plea hearing... . she will be pleading guilty to some felony charge) not for her but for myself.

I am hoping that being there will help me to give up on her and let her go for good. Maybe I can see the real her.

[rj47]

Yes there is a lovely lady out there for me. Difficult to find one that has the qualities I like in the crazy gf without the qualities I hate.



Often its the "crazy" factor that draws us in the first place. The edgy, unpredictable, "bad girlfriend" aspect of my BPDw was like an addictive drug.   It lasted near 25 years as a fix to the crazy time that nearly offed me through near constant stress.  www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcJU6zsNWyM

But; their dark side wears us down and eventually has it way... . no matter how many promises are made. I can't outlast the demon as it has alternated between showering me with unbelievable love and affection as the most amazing man that ever lived; and, convincing me that I'm a pathetic loser that no quality woman could ever love. She's wrong... . she knows it, I know it, you know it, we all know the lie.

My issue, is I still love my wife and hope that her recent promises and getting into therapy will work out. Nevertheless, I won't delude myself with unreasonable hope. Frankly, I'm sick of it... . not her behavior, but my 25 year response. Hang in there bro, there most likely will be many doors that will open for you.    www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHzU-9iozmo

[thicker skin]

Do you chaps mind if I ask what defines a crazy lady for you?

I can't say I'm content with every weekend in, every night watching tv, no friends and no functions to look forward to, but exactly what is exciting, in your books?

For me, a rug by the river with a tasty picnic and perhaps a bit of canoodling... .

Sitting on a roof and watching the world go by at work... .

Cocktails and a girly dress in the city... .

Sunday best and a poker night... .

Climbing trees... .

Random trips to places I've never been, just because... .

What defines the addictive crazy behaviour that attracts you?

[nowwhatz]

Do you chaps mind if I ask what defines a crazy lady for you?

I can't say I'm content with every weekend in, every night watching tv, no friends and no functions to look forward to, but exactly what is exciting, in your books?

For me, a rug by the river with a tasty picnic and perhaps a bit of canoodling... .

Sitting on a roof and watching the world go by at work... .

Cocktails and a girly dress in the city... .

Sunday best and a poker night... .

Climbing trees... .

Random trips to places I've never been, just because... .

What defines the addictive crazy behaviour that attracts you?

Well for me it is a combination of good looks (she is gorgeous) and there is something in her and I when we get together that makes us feel alive.   The drama is like living in my own tele novella... . so the twists and turns and events are probably giving me an adrenaline rush.

I am so messed up I don't know if I can ever be with a normal woman again.

I can't really define crazy but can give examples.  The most recent was the idiot text conversation last night which led to our latest final breakup.

I told her I got a haircut. She said I hope it is not too short. I said no it is not too short. She said I like your hair longer I don't like your hair when it is short. I said I don't like your current blonde blonde hair as much as your old hair color... light brown with blonde highlights.

She said in spanglish english "well if you don't like ME what don't you leave me alone!"

Then she blocked me from texting her on the whatsapp phone app.

THAT is CRAZY.

And I am crazy for being involved in this type of r/s.

[thicker skin]

Oh the drama?

You'd be surprised what keeps some people together I guess. The fight, the need to be right, the need to fix, rescue... . Kids, investment, time.

You're only in the game if you're reacting to the drama I suppose nowwhatz. Small children respond to attention, be it for good or bad behaviour. Reward the bad and you get more bad. Ignore it and they have to find other ways to attract your attention.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Nowhatz,

Yes, no compassion.  It was scary and bizarre and I saw it in her more than once.  An emptiness. 

Btw, I love Talking Heads.  Peace.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyfOxpyBkCE