My heart is so confused... does he care, is he done, or should I be done?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Our story is long.

He drew me in with his tales about his abusive ex-girlfriend because I reached out to him because I have a big heart and was in an abusive relationship a year and a half ago. Soon when we started talking, he was so sweet and sad, but we had definite chemistry. I approached this as a friend, but began to fall for him. He would text me every day and confide in me. We met for the first time and it was great, but he rushed me out the door after having a trigger of his ex, then I proceeded to talk him out of suicide for an hour. After that, things changed. He went cold on me, especially after I left him a get-well basket that week. He went MIA, then was snippy when I acted concerned the following weekend. Around that time, I told him I liked him. He couldn't believe it and this is when he started blowing off our plans. He would text me wanting to come over and just sleep, or be held while he cried, and when I said he could come, he would proceed to talk himself out of it by saying he was too drunk, that he didn't want our first kiss to be with alcohol on his breath, he would be a bother, etc. for the next hour, even though I would say he could come over, as long as he respected my physical boundaries. He told me he just couldn't trust anyone after his past breakup and that one day he would trust me. (He's be reported saying he wonders who the woman will be that gets him to trust people again.)

Eventually, things come to a head when he offered to come hold me one night when I was upset (knight in shining armor syndrome) and proceeded to tell me he was falling asleep before I could answer, to only profusely apologize the next day and tell me: "You're a great person. You need to focus on school, work, and finding a great guy. You're so full of life and that's great because I see it." That STUNG. I told him that was true, but that I wanted him, as I had fallen for him. He proceeded to say "You have fallen for me?" Then asked why I had to fall for him while he was broken. He then said that he didn't have a heart anymore and he hadn't felt alive in months and he needed to to really love, saying that he just wanted to make love and feel a connection beyond belief with someone other than his nightmares and dreams. He said he knew I didn't understand and to tell him what to do. I told him we were going to hang out and he was going to stop letting his ex control him and his emotions. Things got a little hostile and chaotic and before I knew it, he was telling me that I was pushing him to like me (he's the one who started all this) and that he wasn't over his ex, and I'm telling him that I wished I would have never helped him. He got upset and said he couldn't believe I said that.

I apologized the next day for being a bit pushy when he kept giving me mixed signals and cancelling on me, he apologized too, and he kind of disappeared for a week and a half after that. He came back with a whopper: that he was ready to start dating again. I played the friend role and didn't mention myself and told him that was great progress. The next day, he half-way attempted to ask me to lunch, but couldn't execute. I kidded him about it later and I could tell he was a little pissy about it. He acted a little excited about what I was eating, so I invited him to join me and he declined. I got frustrated and called him bud and said goodnight. Feeling bad, the next day, I sent him a text early that morning saying that I was trying to understand him and that I was sorry for joking about his attempt, and knew he didn't like going out and dating, so I suggested we get some dinner and come back to my place and watch a movie, casually. I told him that I liked him, or I wouldn't keep sticking my neck out for someone who keeps blowing me off when I'm trying. He halfway replied that he was sure he was "busy was roommate stuff today" but he "guessed" if he had time we could grab a movie. I didn't respond. He texts me again two hours later and I finally reply that I understood and that I hoped he had a good day.

Then, he said he had time to hang out. Guess what happened? He proceeded to text me two hours before our meet time and tell me he was taking a nap and setting his alarm. I was in class, so I couldn't reply. I get out of class and tell him I'm headed to my apartment (so he could meet me) and he texts back right before the time and says that he's "so tired and just rolled over." I didn't respond, as I was INFURIATED that he was blowing me off again. I finally text him after two hours (waiting for him to say something) and I replied: "Maybe I should have adopted "I'm so tired" when you asked me to drive two hours back to our college after working a 10 hour shift to see you. (Which he also bailed on me with an excuse of a hurt knee.) You need to rest up for the brews and bhites at the party and maybe you could find a bhit to replace the one you lost. I won't be here when it happens again, to help you pick up the pieces. You've hurt me for the last time." He waits until it's almost 2am and tells me that he's sorry, but that he fell asleep (and conveniently turned off his read receipts) and that he'll be sure not to "bother me anymore... . "

I didn't answer and finally did the next day, saying I knew he was going through a bad time and I understood. He never answered. So, the next day, I asked if he was just going to ignore me and reminded him that I was the one who had all the reason in the world to ignore him, but kept reaching out because I cared. I also said, "And, you still question if I care?" Then, I told him that I never said he was bothering me. He waited an hour and finally said: "I'm not ready to try and move on." I was devastated. I told him thank you for finally being honest, that I would keep him in my prayers, and that he couldn't say I was one of the girls that didn't try and just walked away like all the others. He didn't say anything.

Two days later, he messages me and says, "Hey. I know you think I'm a huge ass. I just don't want to put you in a situation you don't deserve to be in." I, thinking he was meaning the fact that he was still in love with his ex, said I understood and he needed a friend more than anything. We had a short convo and then he text me again later that night, saying he hated life and hoped I had a good day. I responded. He disappeared without responding back. He text me again the next night, saying he had lied to me. This took me back. I told him to just be honest. He spat something off about lying to me about his favorite song, which happened to be his and his ex's song. I told I didn't think that was what he was going to say, as it was a bit dramatic. He said it was, then told me he wanted to text his ex. Knowing that he texts her periodically, hoping she'll come back, even though it's been 6 months, I tell him that she doesn't text him back because she doesn't care and has moved on. I also tell him that she has him right where she wants him 6 months later because he keeps reminding her how much control she has over him by texting her and that she hasn't blocked his number because probably laughs when she gets a text. He got upset and said goodnight.

I few days later, I accidentally text him while out late with friends. My phone died before I could reply, but he sent "What" and "... ?" thirty minutes apart, answering me immediately, like he used to do all the time. I finally replied the next morning and explained that I had been thinking about him and told him how I felt. I told him that knew he pushed people away, tested people's limits (he admitted this early on once), and that he will push people to the brink to see if they care and sometimes manages to push them away (actually, most of the time). I told him how his ex reminded me of mine and how some people just live life to hurt others intentionally and all we can do is accept it and move on. I also said that I knew that he was trying to move on, and I wasn't saying all this because I wanted him to be over his ex, but I wanted him happy and out of her control. I also said that I made him a promise from the beginning that I would be there (as he needs a friend to tell him the truth) and he couldn't push me away, no matter what.

You guessed it! He disappears for almost a week, exactly. Then, reappears with no mention of my text, telling me he's sorry, and has been busy with family and his uncle passed. Enraged by his - yet again - disappearing act, I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I ignored him. He waited four days, before texting me again, saying, "Hey! How was your Christmas break?" I ignored him again, as I was shooting for a whole week like he did me, and a whole week later, I text him back, saying, "Hey whats up? I hope things are going well, It's good to hear from you. I've been so busy lately, we'll have to catch up sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya later!" He never responded.

He waits a week and three days to say something. (In the meantime, when we both arrived at our college, I noticed a post on the anonymous secret app that is popular among college kids and we both have that was from him and it talked about no girls being worth it to ask out lately, so I know he's trying to start dating again, so he lied to me about that.) I sends a simple "Hey" at 6pm. I text him back 3 hours later and say, simply, "Hey, what's up?" He doesn't respond. REALLY? By this point, I was beyond agitated that he was about to treat me this way, again. Why text and not answer? So, I kind of blew up at him and gave him an ultimatum.

The next morning, I gave him time to reply, then said, "Either you can respond like a decent man, or you can continue to play these childish games like a little boy, which I don't understand because we're FRIENDS. If you choose the games, delete my number, as I don't have time for this crap, especially after I've been nothing but good to you. Choice is yours. Good day."

He texts me back in a matter of minutes and lies. He says, "SouthernBelle? Hey sorry I was just seeing how you were doing. I was hooking my new laptop up with my phone and it either deleted your number or the text didn't come through. I'm in class now. I hope you're doing good."

His excuse about his phone is false. His car was outside his apartment. That kind of peeved me, but I knew he could be carpooling with his buds.

I simply reply, "I'm better than ever. You done disappearing on me for now?"

He responds the same minute, "Yes ma'am."

I said, "Good. Disappearing and ignoring me doesn't make me want to be your friend, as friendship is a two-way street and that makes it a one. Honesty is the best policy. I hope you've been well too."

He texts, "I've been okay. I'm just glad your good."

I said, "It's been a rollercoaster ride of a break, but I'm feeling great and I'm glad you're good too."

He says, "Yeah I'm good. I'm ready for college to be over with."

I tell him about being ready to get out of our college in a year, as over the break, I visited the one I want to get my Master's at and saw all the young doctors and connections I could have by being there. But, that I had to get through my Bachelor's and to graduation next Christmas.

He says, "Well I'm glad things are going good with you."

I said, "Thanks!"

That was the extent of our conversation.

I'm almost positive he has some form of BPD. He seems to have some empathy and some other qualities that aren't relevant to the disorder, but many personality disorders can overlap. I guess my question is: is he telling the truth when he says he doesn't want to hurt me and put me in a situation I don't deserve, or is he just telling me what I want to hear to keep me around? Why text me and disappear, only to actually talk to me when I threaten to sever our ties over his disappearing act?

I love this boy more than you know. I know he has problems. But, I guess the helper in me thinks I can help and I want to be in it for the long haul. I just don't know what to do to get him to trust me, or to not be stuck in the "friendzone"?

What can I say, or do?

Then, part of me thinks he never really cared at all and I'll never be able to convince him to get help and I should just move on.

But, my heart won't let me.

Falling in love with a pwBPD is heartbreaking. I just don't know what to do, or what he's feeling. I feel rejected.

(I really think he has this and all of the symptoms fit so much that he has told me, especially his childhood molestation. He's also Jewish, which studies indicate more prevalence to be a pwBPD because of family dynamics.)

[misssouthernbelle]

Our story is long.

He drew me in with his tales about his abusive ex-girlfriend because I reached out to him because I have a big heart and was in an abusive relationship a year and a half ago. Soon when we started talking, he was so sweet and sad, but we had definite chemistry. I approached this as a friend, but began to fall for him. He would text me every day and confide in me. We met for the first time and it was great, but he rushed me out the door after having a trigger of his ex, then I proceeded to talk him out of suicide for an hour. After that, things changed. He went cold on me, especially after I left him a get-well basket that week. He went MIA, then was snippy when I acted concerned the following weekend. Around that time, I told him I liked him. He couldn't believe it and this is when he started blowing off our plans. He would text me wanting to come over and just sleep, or be held while he cried, and when I said he could come, he would proceed to talk himself out of it by saying he was too drunk, that he didn't want our first kiss to be with alcohol on his breath, he would be a bother, etc. for the next hour, even though I would say he could come over, as long as he respected my physical boundaries. He told me he just couldn't trust anyone after his past breakup and that one day he would trust me. (He's be reported saying he wonders who the woman will be that gets him to trust people again.)

Eventually, things come to a head when he offered to come hold me one night when I was upset (knight in shining armor syndrome) and proceeded to tell me he was falling asleep before I could answer, to only profusely apologize the next day and tell me: "You're a great person. You need to focus on school, work, and finding a great guy. You're so full of life and that's great because I see it." That STUNG. I told him that was true, but that I wanted him, as I had fallen for him. He proceeded to say "You have fallen for me?" Then asked why I had to fall for him while he was broken. He then said that he didn't have a heart anymore and he hadn't felt alive in months and he needed to to really love, saying that he just wanted to make love and feel a connection beyond belief with someone other than his nightmares and dreams. He said he knew I didn't understand and to tell him what to do. I told him we were going to hang out and he was going to stop letting his ex control him and his emotions. Things got a little hostile and chaotic and before I knew it, he was telling me that I was pushing him to like me (he's the one who started all this) and that he wasn't over his ex, and I'm telling him that I wished I would have never helped him. He got upset and said he couldn't believe I said that.

I apologized the next day for being a bit pushy when he kept giving me mixed signals and cancelling on me, he apologized too, and he kind of disappeared for a week and a half after that. He came back with a whopper: that he was ready to start dating again. I played the friend role and didn't mention myself and told him that was great progress. The next day, he half-way attempted to ask me to lunch, but couldn't execute. I kidded him about it later and I could tell he was a little pissy about it. He acted a little excited about what I was eating, so I invited him to join me and he declined. I got frustrated and called him bud and said goodnight. Feeling bad, the next day, I sent him a text early that morning saying that I was trying to understand him and that I was sorry for joking about his attempt, and knew he didn't like going out and dating, so I suggested we get some dinner and come back to my place and watch a movie, casually. I told him that I liked him, or I wouldn't keep sticking my neck out for someone who keeps blowing me off when I'm trying. He halfway replied that he was sure he was "busy was roommate stuff today" but he "guessed" if he had time we could grab a movie. I didn't respond. He texts me again two hours later and I finally reply that I understood and that I hoped he had a good day.

Then, he said he had time to hang out. Guess what happened? He proceeded to text me two hours before our meet time and tell me he was taking a nap and setting his alarm. I was in class, so I couldn't reply. I get out of class and tell him I'm headed to my apartment (so he could meet me) and he texts back right before the time and says that he's "so tired and just rolled over." I didn't respond, as I was INFURIATED that he was blowing me off again. I finally text him after two hours (waiting for him to say something) and I replied: "Maybe I should have adopted "I'm so tired" when you asked me to drive two hours back to our college after working a 10 hour shift to see you. (Which he also bailed on me with an excuse of a hurt knee.) You need to rest up for the brews and bhites at the party and maybe you could find a bhit to replace the one you lost. I won't be here when it happens again, to help you pick up the pieces. You've hurt me for the last time." He waits until it's almost 2am and tells me that he's sorry, but that he fell asleep (and conveniently turned off his read receipts) and that he'll be sure not to "bother me anymore... . "

I didn't answer and finally did the next day, saying I knew he was going through a bad time and I understood. He never answered. So, the next day, I asked if he was just going to ignore me and reminded him that I was the one who had all the reason in the world to ignore him, but kept reaching out because I cared. I also said, "And, you still question if I care?" Then, I told him that I never said he was bothering me. He waited an hour and finally said: "I'm not ready to try and move on." I was devastated. I told him thank you for finally being honest, that I would keep him in my prayers, and that he couldn't say I was one of the girls that didn't try and just walked away like all the others. He didn't say anything.

Two days later, he messages me and says, "Hey. I know you think I'm a huge ass. I just don't want to put you in a situation you don't deserve to be in." I, thinking he was meaning the fact that he was still in love with his ex, said I understood and he needed a friend more than anything. We had a short convo and then he text me again later that night, saying he hated life and hoped I had a good day. I responded. He disappeared without responding back. He text me again the next night, saying he had lied to me. This took me back. I told him to just be honest. He spat something off about lying to me about his favorite song, which happened to be his and his ex's song. I told I didn't think that was what he was going to say, as it was a bit dramatic. He said it was, then told me he wanted to text his ex. Knowing that he texts her periodically, hoping she'll come back, even though it's been 6 months, I tell him that she doesn't text him back because she doesn't care and has moved on. I also tell him that she has him right where she wants him 6 months later because he keeps reminding her how much control she has over him by texting her and that she hasn't blocked his number because probably laughs when she gets a text. He got upset and said goodnight.

I few days later, I accidentally text him while out late with friends. My phone died before I could reply, but he sent "What" and "... ?" thirty minutes apart, answering me immediately, like he used to do all the time. I finally replied the next morning and explained that I had been thinking about him and told him how I felt. I told him that knew he pushed people away, tested people's limits (he admitted this early on once), and that he will push people to the brink to see if they care and sometimes manages to push them away (actually, most of the time). I told him how his ex reminded me of mine and how some people just live life to hurt others intentionally and all we can do is accept it and move on. I also said that I knew that he was trying to move on, and I wasn't saying all this because I wanted him to be over his ex, but I wanted him happy and out of her control. I also said that I made him a promise from the beginning that I would be there (as he needs a friend to tell him the truth) and he couldn't push me away, no matter what.

You guessed it! He disappears for almost a week, exactly. Then, reappears with no mention of my text, telling me he's sorry, and has been busy with family and his uncle passed. Enraged by his - yet again - disappearing act, I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I ignored him. He waited four days, before texting me again, saying, "Hey! How was your Christmas break?" I ignored him again, as I was shooting for a whole week like he did me, and a whole week later, I text him back, saying, "Hey whats up? I hope things are going well, It's good to hear from you. I've been so busy lately, we'll have to catch up sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya later!" He never responded.

He waits a week and three days to say something. (In the meantime, when we both arrived at our college, I noticed a post on the anonymous secret app that is popular among college kids and we both have that was from him and it talked about no girls being worth it to ask out lately, so I know he's trying to start dating again, so he lied to me about that.) I sends a simple "Hey" at 6pm. I text him back 3 hours later and say, simply, "Hey, what's up?" He doesn't respond. REALLY? By this point, I was beyond agitated that he was about to treat me this way, again. Why text and not answer? So, I kind of blew up at him and gave him an ultimatum.

The next morning, I gave him time to reply, then said, "Either you can respond like a decent man, or you can continue to play these childish games like a little boy, which I don't understand because we're FRIENDS. If you choose the games, delete my number, as I don't have time for this crap, especially after I've been nothing but good to you. Choice is yours. Good day."

He texts me back in a matter of minutes and lies. He says, "SouthernBelle? Hey sorry I was just seeing how you were doing. I was hooking my new laptop up with my phone and it either deleted your number or the text didn't come through. I'm in class now. I hope you're doing good."

His excuse about his phone is false. His car was outside his apartment. That kind of peeved me, but I knew he could be carpooling with his buds.

I simply reply, "I'm better than ever. You done disappearing on me for now?"

He responds the same minute, "Yes ma'am."

I said, "Good. Disappearing and ignoring me doesn't make me want to be your friend, as friendship is a two-way street and that makes it a one. Honesty is the best policy. I hope you've been well too."

He texts, "I've been okay. I'm just glad your good."

I said, "It's been a rollercoaster ride of a break, but I'm feeling great and I'm glad you're good too."

He says, "Yeah I'm good. I'm ready for college to be over with."

I tell him about being ready to get out of our college in a year, as over the break, I visited the one I want to get my Master's at and saw all the young doctors and connections I could have by being there. But, that I had to get through my Bachelor's and to graduation next Christmas.

He says, "Well I'm glad things are going good with you."

I said, "Thanks!"

That was the extent of our conversation.

I'm almost positive he has some form of BPD. He seems to have some empathy and some other qualities that aren't relevant to the disorder, but many personality disorders can overlap. I guess my question is: is he telling the truth when he says he doesn't want to hurt me and put me in a situation I don't deserve, or is he just telling me what I want to hear to keep me around? Why text me and disappear, only to actually talk to me when I threaten to sever our ties over his disappearing act?

I love this boy more than you know. I know he has problems. But, I guess the helper in me thinks I can help and I want to be in it for the long haul. I just don't know what to do to get him to trust me, or to not be stuck in the "friendzone"?

What can I say, or do?

Then, part of me thinks he never really cared at all and I'll never be able to convince him to get help and I should just move on.

But, my heart won't let me.

Falling in love with a pwBPD is heartbreaking. I just don't know what to do, or what he's feeling. I feel rejected.

(I really think he has this and all of the symptoms fit so much that he has told me, especially his childhood molestation. He's also Jewish, which studies indicate more prevalence to be a pwBPD because of family dynamics.)

[Troubledmermaid]

Hi. I've been dealing withy a guy I think had BPD for 5 years. We've been on and off... Never dating. We dated other people but we always come back to eachother. He ignores me all the time and takes weeks sometimes to reply. & the sad part is, he hasn't even seen me since last summer. & I know where you're coming from, loving someone like that is very hard and it takes a toll on you physically and mentally. Mine isn't talking to me right now. He gets in moods where he's too depressed and needs his own time. Although I do think he is talking to other girls. He's very shady and hides things from me a lot. He goes randomly loving me and wanting to be with me to randomly hating me. I wish I could let go.

[Surnia]

Southernbelle

Yes, a long story. And in a way I read it like a long push and pull about beginning a relationship or not. I have the impression that he does not want a romantic relationship. There are so many excuses or ? from his side.

To start a relationship there is more needed that chemistry. Commitment, courage from both sides. I would really encourage you to stop contact him for a while and take a look at your side. What kind of relationship do you want, what are your needs, and does he met your needs now - not in a insecure future.

[misssouthernbelle]

Troubledmermaid: I hope I can figure this out and let go, but I too can't seem to.

Surnia: I left a lot out of the story, but I can see why it seems like that. He's the one who kept asking me to come over and would talk himself out of it while talking to me, no matter what I did. He told me that he liked me and was attracted to me, bringing up the fact that he wanted to kiss me the moment he saw me when we finally met, even implying that he wanted to do much more than that. He told me that he would fall in love with me at first sight when we first met. Then, when he found out I had feelings, he goes into defense mode and says I tried to force him to like me and that he doesn't want to put himself in the position to potentially hurt someone else, even though he is asking me what I want him to do because "he likes me, but just doesn't know".

Every time I would tell him that I wanted to hang out more, it would almost send him into overload and he would come back after needing a moment to process, to tell me he just wasn't over his ex. As you can see, he's kept to "I just don't want to hurt you", but I know he's looking for a girl to ask out, but haven't found any that he considers "worth it" to ask out lately.

Maybe he has a little bit of empathy and realizes that I really like him and he's afraid I would become attached and his ex would come back, or he would cheat, considering his whole heart couldn't be in it?

I understand why you say you get the impression that he doesn't want more - and it so seems that way - but he was wanting more for so long and then, he's afraid to hurt me?

It's so frustrating. I would be willing to try to work through everything with him. I don't have very many needs, but now that we've drifted apart because he's stopped texting me and confiding in me, I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut and discarded.  :'(

[elemental]

Cut him off. He is either dating around and non commital or his ex is not his ex.

When he texts, ignore.

I remember these kinds of games in college. Guy usually had a girlfriend and was messing around on the side for extra attention and drama. If you don't like being used for that, ignore him. If he is genuinely interested he will stop flaking out on you.

And to directly answer your question: who makes choices for you? Him (is he done, does he care) or you. (should you be done... YES YES YES)

Your boundries are there to protect you from people who hurt you. You can have a personal boundry here something like "I don't waste my time talking to men who flake out on me. "

my 2 cents.

[Surnia]

MSB

yes, this is very frustrating. 

You are willing to work through everything with him - he is not!

You cannot change him. What you can do is change your approach toward him.