Advice please

[blurry]

Long story short... . we broke up 5 months ago after being married for 3 weeks. Debatable who ended it but I promised I wouldn't see her again until she had 6 months therapy under her belt. She's acknowledged she's BPD in the past.

New Years, she reached out after finding out ill be moving even further away later this month. I had moved 90 miles away after the breakup and now ill be moving much further away, probably over 1500 miles. We've spent two nights together this week, after not seeing each other since early august and now she wants me to move back with her, making all the normal promises, saying she'll get in therapy only if she knows were together and its for me and us, otherwise she says she wont bother.

Anyway, what do I do? Continue with my plan on moving away, and tell her to get in therapy asap, and tell her I'll be back if she makes some progress with treatment? My plans are kinda solid and I've made great personal progress since being alone the past 5 months. Guess its too risky to go back with her before any real change has been made?

Its feeling like dejavu again as usual, I've been here too many times and I guess I know the answer already. Therapy has to be the only possible solution, doesn't it? I have to stand my ground, move, and tell her its possible for us to be together again if/when she has some therapy going?

 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

You laid down a boundry to be in the relationship, she needs to go to therapy and show will to make progress.

If you allow her to manipulate you at this time, your personal progress will be wasted and she will feel she can be wishy washy with your boundries.

If I were you, I would reinforce the boundry, but support and encourage her AFTER she gets into therapy in any way you feel you can.

Beyond that, stop sleeping with her while your boundry is violated. Clearly she believes she has a foot in and is now trying to assert control.

Sorry, it's tough, but really if she wants to be with you and be healthy, she needs to prioritize it and take action. If she won't without trying to manipulate you, she is not serious and if you stay now, YOU  aren't serious.

[willtimeheal]

How long were u together before you got married? 

[orderline]

Hi blurry

Great you feel better. That is an indicator on where to go.

I sense a familiar insecurity in negotiating improvement. How will you meassure result? Theraphy for x days is realy not a safe requirement.

And from where can you monitor progress? If you are out of the relationship it will appear different and once you are in it may be completely the same. Thats one of the great tricks in on/off relationships.

Think the best way to be sure about progress is to run the reactor at normal power and watch the instruments within the building.

Since you are already helathy and out you will be fine. If you get near the rector you are just back after a vacation. BPD is not cured by starvation or tough demands - it requires hard an serious work on being guided and coached to find and accept new interpretations and actions.

At this point you are negotiating with someone who may only want you back and will say yes to anything. If you want to conduct your experiment from a hill do not promise her anything. It will just be used against you later when she claims she has made the progress and you think she has not. You will be called the jerk and she will boil your brain with traditional spices to soften you and get you back.

Hard to tell you what to do. But failure must be an option and be accepted with crace if you turn back.

[blurry]

 Already ended, another failed recycle on her part. Luckily, now I'm at least smart enough to not let it cost me too much personally. What's happening now is that I have so much resentment built up, no trust in her, its like I'm looking for, or causing problems when maybe there was no problem. She doesn't seem to understand the massive damage she's done to this relationship.

Anyway, guess ill leave it where it was, tell her therapy is the only option, and let it go. Probably be back in another month or six weeks when she tries to recycle again.

[SleepsOnSofa]

I'd be very leery of her saying she's only in therapy for you, and that she wouldn't "bother" otherwise. That's putting all the responsibility for her behavior and recovery on you, and that's neither fair or effective.

Since you laid down the boundary, I'd stick to it firmly (hard to do, I know). Don't even try to be with her again until she's been in therapy for a number of months, and you have the sense that she's doing it for herself, and not just to entice you back. If she's only doing it because you demand it, it's not going to last long, and it's not going to do any good as long as it does last.

Just my impression, take it for what you will.