He just won't leave me alone

[guitargrl]

and I must be the most crazy girl in the world.  I feel in the last 3 years I have become just a shell of my former self.  I have had physical ailments, watched friends dwindle away, stopped doing all the activities and things I love and still no matter what I do in his eyes I do it wrong, I hurt his feelings, I am selfish, mean he hates me - he loves me…... Its driving me crazy.  Its sad when your 16 year old says that your relationship is worse than any teenage drama at the high school.  I try to leave, I really really try.  I have 100 percent accepted that this will never be normal.  We come together for 3-5 days and breakup for 2 weeks and have done this for 3 years now.  I feel like its just destroying everything about me yet he always comes back, crying and begging and pleading in my driveway about how he is trying to bring us together and he is always trying to communicate in a healthy way and his communicating is ranting and 30 mins later I have no clue what he is even talking about and I look deep in his eyes and I believe him when he says he is trying and he is dying to be understood and how come I can't understand him and "look I am wearing this shirt you gave me…all day today wearing it and thinking of you, aint I a good boy"  always saying he is a "good boy" and trying so hard. I break down and hold him because I have never felt such pain and sadness from someone and I come from terrible abuse and know it hurts to hurt and I am SOO codependent. Then as I try to understand him and don't, that sadness goes from that to the most mean anger I have ever know… but its because I am not understanding, I am not getting the meaning right, if I would just take the time to understand why he says I am evil and he HATES me over and over again… I wish he would just disappear, because he always shows up. I get so worried I will never get out of this because I can never feel anything but empathy for people.  its so hard for me to have any boundaries and I never get angry. I always feel hurt but not angry.  I start up seeing my counselor again on the 15th.  Thanks for listening…I just feel so hopeless today.

[guitargrl]

My BF or exBF is not diagnosed with BPD.  My counselor thinks it is that because he fits so much the description. I have tried to figure out what is going on with him for so long now, 3 years ago I started with reactive attachment disorder (he still can't even handle the fact he was adopted, he thinks that is the cause of every bad thing in his life he would like to find and kill his biological mother and he gets obsessed with hatred toward her and his adoptive mother who died of cancer, but he truly believes got cancer to hurt him) he is 38 and is still over the top angry that his adoptive parents divorced…but only hates the mom and women. Aspergers…he is a musical genius, Obsessive Compulsive, really odd socially, extremely smart but extremely ignorant, Narcissistic in so many ways.  I just don't know whats wrong, but I know its not fixable… When its good though, those few moments when its just me and him and music and a few drinks and sex then its good. If there is any communicating about anything its over, jobs, stress, kids, anything that deviates from saturating him with love and attention. ugh…

[Waifed]

Guitar girl

You feel crazy but it is only temporary. Once the pain outweighs the feelings of love that you have for him you will be ready to move on.  That time will come sooner than later. Your relationship is very similar to mine and many others. His manipulation has pulled at your heart strings and your rescuer personality hasn't let you abandon a relationship that was permanently broken the day it started. You are clearly in the FOG.

You have to begin looking at yourself and putting yourself first. This is when the healing will begin. Your therapist can help you with your issues of abuse and how that has made you the person you are today. Hang in there. Lots of people here that can relate to the feelings you have and they can help you through the healing process. They will be here for you through the good days and bad. It will get better. Do not ever forget that.

[guitargrl]

Thank you Waifed!…I just want to get out of this relationship.  I want to not care one bit about him. I want to not have my heartstrings pulled every time he comes around with his victim act!  Your support helps so much!

[Waifed]

You will get there. To prevent him from pulling you back in you might want to consider going strict no contact.  It is hard but allows you to clear your head and reflect on what really happened during the relationship. The urge to return will stay with you for quite a long time. Accept your feelings and emotions and let them run their course. Treat this like an addiction.  You will gradually go through the grieving process, bouncing back and forth between the stages. It's OK. You have been emotionally and psychologically abused and your mind will gradually heal as it processes what you have been through. You will have dreams that will set you back. It's OK. You will have times when you ruminate about him incessantly. It's OK. You will reach a point when you feel like you are over the hurt only for it to return. It's OK. Time is a huge healer. Lastly, as you begin the healing process I would continue to see your therapist to deal with your issues. Be patient with yourself and always remember it will get better.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Guitargrl,

About 10 months ago I stood in your shoes.  I couldn't  figure out why I couldn't leave a relationship that I knew was highly toxic and dysfunctional and abusive for me with my BPDexbf, because he kept coming back. begging and pleading and professing love and change.  Over time my self worth had been chipped away at to the point where I didnt believe or trust that I would ever find better because he was handsome, great in bed and made a ton of money.  These values are not core values.  My mindset was skewed.     

I admittedly couldn't walk away and stay away until I was left, for my replacement out of the blue. I was blindsided by the betrayal and went into a deep depression.

That brings a whole other level of pain I would never wish on my worst enemy. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and I do not wish it for you.

As waifed put it, it sounds as if you are in the FOG.   My advice is to consider no contact until you can gain some clarity distance and wisdom for your situation. and  read, read , read , read, read.  Read the accounts of everyone on these boards.  It is possible to move forward from these relationships.  I firmly believe that these people are put in our lives for a very important reason and that is to teach us our "big lesson".  I PROMISE that with distance and NC comes a clarity and peace you would never have imagined existed, additionally you regain your self and sense of worth and respect, which is the ultimate gift they give you.

[guitargrl]

Thank you Oli,

I appreciate your response a lot.  What is the hardest thing is that I try and go NC. I block everything and then he finds me. He bought a house a mile down the road from me, changed his profession and going to school to match my job, had his schedule changed to my days exactly and got a job at the same place…big place and different areas/job description, but I still run into him and then when he is feeling better out of his state of the misery he gets into, he shows up at my house begging me to unblock him love him let him in and that is where I cave because he seems like such a damaged sad person. Often I just wish he would find someone else…. He has social issues and is not at all good at picking up women or even communicating so I know that will be difficult for him.  We had a common interest when we met…but even then I thought he was gay or aspergers or something but I liked him he was quirky and different and a great musician.  I had to practically force myself on him though…and now look at me.  Yes I am in a FOG for sure… I am on my way to trying to figure out how to get out once and for all.

[orderline]

guitargrl

Thank you for reminding me of the horrible on/off life I once had. It is actually possible he does not love you at all. Why?

Because it has to last more than a few days and not be contradicted by oposit actions.

It is just by definition not love. Or it is prevented to happen due to a disorder. It is a lot of feelings, but remember you get feelings when you drink a cup of coffe or take a shower too.

I decided to BE "stay on".  So I am in charge of the relationship and do not enforce droping out conversations. Not that it may not happen when it happens. It is just not what I stand for. She will be here and there at times, but that is BPD. We can not have BPD thinking run relationships but instead respect how BPD work and be in power to either end it or make it work.

I just do not look anywhere to see if my GF is on or off. I am on for "no reason". If I would have here BPD compass say what is the relationship we could just use the wind direction instead. It is just the way it is. With a firm confidence there are now long periods of non abusive behaviour. She is working out and exploring here interests of baking, studying and improving self confidence. Looks like she actually likes it more and more. Once i a while a mysterious signal from out of space or the phase of the moon makes her worried and hostile and all that. I know it will go away and stay out of fights and get back when everything is normal and all recordings gone 40 minutes later. Actually possible to talk about the upset in a clam way - as just the way it is.

Just want to say it is possible to endure but you will have to get of the drug.

Self generated exitement and love instead of the declining supply of sweet but poisonous honey from "BPD near death expreesiveness and co-dependancy Process".

[arn131arn]

Waifed is spot on in what he says. I went strict NC 3 wwks ago. The fog is settling, i've been replaced, i am ok though. I am content, semi-happy, and at peace. The strange thing is I don't know how to handle this new found peace. I am always expecting the walls to come down, but they don't... . very strange. School starts Monday... . I can't wait to dive right in. Oh, and my sponser in AA has offered me a job. Haven't decided yet, but no longer bartending at night means more time with my kid!