I feel sick in my own way... unable to move on.

[Depression = 72% of members]

He had begun cheating on me 2 weeks after the most fantastic holiday together in early April. While he as accusing me constantly of cheating and simultaneously bombarding me with sexual fantasies about threesomes etc, he had been with her. He came to see me in May at my expense and went straight back to her bed 'because it didn't work out with me'.   no ___ it didn't.

I had been alone, pregnant and going crazy and he had moved in with her!

As soon as he left her in August, he was bothering me again and telling me how much he loved me and missed me.


To date, his 'mistake' as he calls it remains in his mind 'at least partly your responsibility, delusional' and the latest was being called 'bipolar' (I am not, although was diagnosed) told 'the projections and lies are all yours... . bipolar is made of lies'.

He has now cut all communication with me after threatening to 'report me to the police as a stalker'/

Unlike some of you I can't feel glad yet to be free. God help me I miss him and still want him. I feel as if when he devalued and betrayed me the spark and faith went out of my life. I really thought we were 'troubled soulmates'  barfy and I guess I found him more attractive and sexy than anyone ever in my life.

I read over all he did and I am horrified. He is utterly vile, cruel, uncaring and basically insane. So why do I still love him?

Today I even texted him saying I was sorry and wasn't good enough for him and wanted so much to be friends. I can't take him back yet I hate that he hates me, that he has dismissed me.

Why do I care about the opinion of this person who has treated me with unforgivable vileness?

And it is unforgivable, isn't it? Even if I were the evil, abusive, mean, money-obsessed (I paid for everything of course hence that accusation when it wasn't enough... . ), lying, uncaring false, miserable, mentally ill psycho bhit he so often told me I was, there was no excuse for him to keep me hanging on until he found some other poor victim to look after him. And there was no excuse for him to leave me pregnant. But he has told me he loved me so much, I 'wore him down' over 3 years of recycles and attempts to get out, I am responsible for his behaviour.

God it makes me so angry and yet I believe him somehow, I believe I am the worthless piece of cr*p he told me I was. What is the matter with me? Depression yes, but it must be something deeper. I value myself so, so low.  :'(

[delusionalxox]

He had begun cheating on me 2 weeks after the most fantastic holiday together in early April. While he as accusing me constantly of cheating and simultaneously bombarding me with sexual fantasies about threesomes etc, he had been with her. He came to see me in May at my expense and went straight back to her bed 'because it didn't work out with me'.   no ___ it didn't.

I had been alone, pregnant and going crazy and he had moved in with her!

As soon as he left her in August, he was bothering me again and telling me how much he loved me and missed me.


To date, his 'mistake' as he calls it remains in his mind 'at least partly your responsibility, delusional' and the latest was being called 'bipolar' (I am not, although was diagnosed) told 'the projections and lies are all yours... . bipolar is made of lies'.

He has now cut all communication with me after threatening to 'report me to the police as a stalker'/

Unlike some of you I can't feel glad yet to be free. God help me I miss him and still want him. I feel as if when he devalued and betrayed me the spark and faith went out of my life. I really thought we were 'troubled soulmates'  barfy and I guess I found him more attractive and sexy than anyone ever in my life.

I read over all he did and I am horrified. He is utterly vile, cruel, uncaring and basically insane. So why do I still love him?

Today I even texted him saying I was sorry and wasn't good enough for him and wanted so much to be friends. I can't take him back yet I hate that he hates me, that he has dismissed me.

Why do I care about the opinion of this person who has treated me with unforgivable vileness?

And it is unforgivable, isn't it? Even if I were the evil, abusive, mean, money-obsessed (I paid for everything of course hence that accusation when it wasn't enough... . ), lying, uncaring false, miserable, mentally ill psycho bhit he so often told me I was, there was no excuse for him to keep me hanging on until he found some other poor victim to look after him. And there was no excuse for him to leave me pregnant. But he has told me he loved me so much, I 'wore him down' over 3 years of recycles and attempts to get out, I am responsible for his behaviour.

God it makes me so angry and yet I believe him somehow, I believe I am the worthless piece of cr*p he told me I was. What is the matter with me? Depression yes, but it must be something deeper. I value myself so, so low.  :'(

[seeking balance]

I read over all he did and I am horrified. He is utterly vile, cruel, uncaring and basically insane. So why do I still love him?

You know, most of us here, still loved a person we knew was bad for us.  It helped me when I looked at love, what was it I loved actually?  I loved the life and the dream we were creating, some aspects of the person, the attention and frankly having someone "there".   That stuff was real for me, but I had to separate my "love" from the facts - the fact that the person was very bad for me and nothing healthy was going to come from going down the same path over and over.

Today I even texted him saying I was sorry and wasn't good enough for him and wanted so much to be friends. I can't take him back yet I hate that he hates me, that he has dismissed me.

Exactly what emotion in you (not love) is it that you were trying to soothe by reaching out to him?  Start tackling that and you might be able to let go a bit.

Why do I care about the opinion of this person who has treated me with unforgivable vileness?

Abused children still love their parents - it is a very common dynamic of abuse victims.

God it makes me so angry and yet I believe him somehow, I believe I am the worthless piece of cr*p he told me I was. What is the matter with me? Depression yes, but it must be something deeper. I value myself so, so low.  :'(

Well, with enough abuse, we start to believe it - do you have a T to work on this with you?

Overall, for us to feel worth in a healthy way, we create the space in our own lives for this to happen.  What would a worthy person look like and how is that different from how you see you?

You are asking big questions - good for you!  It is when we start digging into this that we can find ourselves - you really are on your way.

Peace,

SB

[delusionalxox]

Thankyou SB. I am sitting here crying and been crying all day in between trying to call my ex and somehow make peace with him.

I will never start up with him again, I know that. And that is indeed progress for the last 3 years.

I seem to need validation that he WAS the abuser and that I am not the abuser and to blame for his behaviour. Even though rationally I can see that very probably it was not me. I have faults of course and all my faults were seized upon  and used to justify his own behaviour. And I guess it is quite comforting in a way just to let yourself be told your are a piece of hit and must do as you are told because despite how hitty you are, this person loves you. My ex could be quite frighteningly overpowering in his immature way. Reminded me of a child ringleader from Lord of the Flies .

He would force confessions out of me a lot, make me admit to things I didn't really feel I had done, just to keep the peace.

Occasionally (as in August) he would totally idealise me, tell me I was the best person he had ever met. And after he screwed around he even said sorry to me a few times before reverting to the usual 'it's your fault, you are insane and a liar, I did nothing wrong' etc.

I have a bit of a crazy lifestyle so hard to get a T. I think I need a skype one maybe as I move locations a lot for work and childcare. If anyone could PM me with a number for a good one who does skype sessions in UK time I would be really grateful. xx

[delusionalxox]

Funny SB when I think about what a worthy person is, I don't think of a lot of qualities I don't have. I try my best for my kids, hold a job down, I am not malicious, I have made mistakes, I am depressive and grumpy and impulsive at times but I'm not so terrible.

It's just ex who makes me feel I let him down somehow. I wasn't good enough for him, I was never good enough, I didn't care for him enough, didn't give him enough. It is my fault he cheated, my fault he abandoned me pregnant, it was my fault every time he tantrumed or made crazy demands or sulked at me. And I am somehow still falling for that one, deep down.

[seeking balance]

Funny SB when I think about what a worthy person is, I don't think of a lot of qualities I don't have. I try my best for my kids, hold a job down, I am not malicious, I have made mistakes, I am depressive and grumpy and impulsive at times but I'm not so terrible.

Well, so you are worthy by your standards - focus here.

Question - how old is your baby? 

[delusionalxox]

I did not have the baby, :'( SB. I had a termination in June. He ignored me throughout the whole period although I texted him repeatedly to try to get him to acknowledge the pregnancy.  :'(

I could not have had his child. It would have been a recipe for utter disaster, I have two older children from my marriage and I was barely holding it together. I would have had no help and support from him, only childish nonsense, paranoia and blackmail.

He has already said that he 'feared i would have the baby and use it against him'- what the heck- he projects total stereotyped evil onto me.

I know that rationally too- it is absolutely true- he would be totally unable to cope with adult responsibilities- so why do I want this man child back?

[seeking balance]

I did not have the baby, :'( SB. I had a termination in June. He ignored me throughout the whole period although I texted him repeatedly to try to get him to acknowledge the pregnancy.  :'(

I could not have had his child. It would have been a recipe for utter disaster, I have two older children from my marriage and I was barely holding it together. I would have had no help and support from him, only childish nonsense, paranoia and blackmail.

He has already said that he 'feared i would have the baby and use it against him'- what the heck- he projects total stereotyped evil onto me.

I know that rationally too- it is absolutely true- he would be totally unable to cope with adult responsibilities- so why do I want this man child back?

Thank you for clarifying -  when you mentioned children I assumed his.

OK hon, you have been through A LOT!

Have you seen an actual MD for a checkup to see if maybe you need something to help balance out your emotions so you have some reserves to cope with all of the grief you are experiencing?

[delusionalxox]

No, luckily for them, my boys are not his.

Oddly I haven't really grieved the abortion itself. I feel glad I didn't have his child, sad and disturbing though it is that I got pregnant in the first place. I would never have wanted to have it, it would have been a way of suffering.

I have however felt deep rage at how he was prepared to abandon not only me but his putative child- and accuse me in his paranoid way of 'keeping it to use against him'.

I am taking antidepressants yes.

Thanks for your support. x

[seeking balance]

I am taking antidepressants yes.

Thanks for your support. x

good girl!

You have had a lot -  chemically, emotionally, spiritually, socially - all the big stuff happen this year.

It is ok to feel a bit off right now - you know?

Do the little things - are you eating healthy?  exercising regularly, keeping spiritually connected (whatever that looks like for you), finding little things to be grateful for?

Sometimes we do "fake" it a bit in these times - I know I did.

Good luck in finding a T - or a support group that you can physically go to - sometimes that can help too.

Overall, be gentle with yourself - it has been a lot.

Peace,

SB