Household work and conflicts

[an0ught]

Most of use live together and share a household which can be truly exciting   at times.

It would be interesting to learn how you handle the work doing, how you organize in a strict manner, do things spontaneously or it is all a one sided affair. The way we structure work also often structures conflicts. So it can be interesting to share conflicts arise in your relationship with respect to household work and whether they are typical for other areas of your relationship.

We all may learn in the process 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

We have pretty low conflict these days. My partner will only assign herself certain chores. Usually high visible impact minimal effort ones. Unfortunately she cannot be relied on to do them as required in a responsible time frame. Its still when she feels like it.

Endlessly putting things off for later/tomorrow is a big problem.

I just get on with doing my stuff and anything vital, don't get overly fussed about it anymore. It's something I can't change in the short term.

Less conflict is leading to more ownership of these issues, so things are changing slowly at their own pace.

[AnitaL]

This is a big one that is rearing its head now for me and my H.  For most of the past few years we actually had a good rhythm going where we would both do laundry and general tidying, he would take care of most grocery shopping, clearing away dishes, and vacuuming while I would do the cooking, bathing kids (D5, D3, S 9 mos.), and bathroom cleaning.  This worked fairly well as long as I didn't "bite" on the passive aggressive commentary from my H.  For example, if I made no comment about how clean the house looked after his vacuuming, he would say something like "I know you don't care about a clean house."  On the other hand, if I did comment about how clean the house looked, he'd say "Yeah, I am such a good maid".  (He does not have a job and I work full time.)  I learned the hard way not to JADE in response to these comments.  Now my view is to respond to his actions, not his words.  At least he was helping, and despite his commentary seemed to take some pride in doing so. 

But the past few weeks while I've been on break from teaching, he has gone "on strike" and is leaving me to do nearly everything as he has been dysregulated nearly nonstop and is sleeping most of the day.  I can't let it pile up, with 3 kids to care for and a small space to do it in, so I'm doing my best just to stay on top of it.  My former self would take the opportunity to play the martyr and then have a meltdown at some point, making things worse.  Now I'm trying to avoid that, but I don't know how to avoid enabling him and still keep our household from turning into a pigsty. 

I thought he might be emerging from the haze yesterday when he helped with the dishes, but then started vacuuming for some reason just after the baby fell asleep while I was helping the girls with their bath, and since the baby woke up screaming (duh) and I had to ask H to turn off the vacuum to deal with it, he has gone back on strike.  I really hope he makes another effort soon -- If not, I will probably try to ask him to help out with just one small task at a time and see how he responds.  I think he spirals downward even further if he feels his efforts are not needed because I seem to be handling everything fine.  My sense is that it makes him feel useless.  But if I ask for too much, that gets overwhelming and can trigger him.  I also tend to procrastinate by cleaning up instead of doing my work -- especially grading   -- so I've got to work on that too.

[rubyhammer]

Interesting topic…

     About two weeks ago I decided not to ask for any help doing household chores.  My dBPDw bought a bag of marijuana and literally laid on the couch all day for 10 or 12 days in a row (with the exception of going to her part time job).  I make breakfast, pack lunch for D8, help D8 get ready and on the bus.  I go to work.  I come home and make lunch.  Back to work.  Home when D8 gets off the bus, make snack, help with homework, do dishes, pick up, make dinner, do bedtime.  Weekends I do laundry and whatever else needs to be cleaned sporadically.  dBPDw takes care of herself, only occasionally helping out.

     I stopped asking for help with any of these tasks because when I asked I was either presented with a long story explaining how she doesn't mind lots of dirty dishes or dirty clothes, and therefore doesn't have to do them, or she would say "Yes, I'll do that" and then just not do it.

     I did tell her that I will not be washing the juicer if she uses it anymore, because I almost never use it, and when she uses it she doesn't rinse it, then lets it sit on the counter and get all crusty…so I just let it sit on the counter.  That boundary is actually going really well.  I don't have to spend 15 minutes getting pissed off about how I am washing someone else's dirty juicer anymore.  And I consider that a small success.

 

Thanks for starting this topic…very good subject.  Please feel free to suggest and or comment about my behavior in this situation.

[waverider]

Sometimes asking for help works better if you ask "can you help me do this", in other words the emphasis on doing things together, rather asking them to do something, which triggers auto excuse mode. Its the only way I get any help.

Then leave them to do the high visibility stuff so they can say "look what I've done" and act like they just single handedly built the pyramids 

[rubyhammer]

Sometimes asking for help works better if you ask "can you help me do this", in other words the emphasis on doing things together, rather asking them to do something, which triggers auto excuse mode. Its the only way I get any help.

That's a wonderful idea! Thanks, I will try this tomorrow.  I had forgotten that washing dishes with someone can be fun.

[waverider]

Even if you split the tasks after that, it is a good way to get someone in a helping mode to start with

[karma_gal]

Waverider, you are truly a genius and always always say just the right thing. When I read this, though, I about peed myself laughing: Then leave them to do the high visibility stuff so they can say "look what I've done" and act like they just single handedly built the pyramids.

This is so how it goes and I have never heard it expressed better.

Here, the only two things my husband seems to know how to do are load the dishwasher and do laundry (4 loads a week or so). Of course he insists that those two things take 12 hours to do. If it is laundry day, he puts a load in, watches TV until it is time to switch, and then does it all over again. In his mind I guess if you are "doing" laundry there is no way you can do anything else while the machines are doing their jobs and you are just waiting except watch TV. Then because it took "a whole entire day" to do laundry he swears he can't do anything but sit and watch TV on Sunday to recuperate... . and he is serious. He sat in front of the TV for 14 hours the other day. I can't imagine this is healthy. And he can't figure out that since his entire life consists of watching TV that that might be the reason he is wholly uninteresting and bored.

I once asked him why he didn't take the time to straighten up the  downstairs for an entire week when I was working double shifts. He said there was no way he could do that after working all day aka eight hours. I once timed myself and I can have everything picked up, mopped, swept, dishwasher loaded and trash out so house is company ready in 23 minutes. I still can't figure out how from 4:00 to 10:30 he can't fit that in.

Minimal effort definitely seems to be an area they excel in.

This is a constant issue in our house because no "boy" chores ever seem to get taken care of because they require too much effort (and don't provide hour long TV breaks every hour) and I physically can't do some if them. He has no shame whatsoever about his laziness though so this is another area that probably isn't fixable.

[PeppermintTea]

This is really interesting!

My H has always been lazy about housework and he used to always say that he wasn't bothered by dirty dishes or he 'didn't see it'.

He was terrible after D1 was born - he didn't lift a finger in the house from June 2010 through to the end of 2012. That was when I got serious about boundaries. I don't quite know how this has worked out but he has accepted that if he wants to be part of this family he will have to contribute and at the moment he can't do this by working outside the home or by looking after our children so that leaves him with the cooking and cleaning. The consequence of not contributing would be that he would have to move out and live on his own (I went so far as to find him a supported living facility that would accept him back in 2012 and I booked him an intro visit with them).

Like I say I don't know how he came to accept this but he has. He is good at the laundry and at cleaning the bathrooms and the vacuming, not great at the dusting and a bit hit and miss with the washing up (ie that he will leave it all day then do it all at night but at least he does do it every day now). He has asked me to tell him when the windows need cleaning as he 'can't see it'.   

I'm grateful for it because I was literally frazzled doing it all  and had no time for myself or really much time to play with the children.

Also now when he's talking to people he is proud to say that he 'looks after his family at home'. This is a massive change from the man who used to say housework was 'women's work'.

PT

[Aburn4827]

My wife gets mad at me for doing all the household chores saying that I am enabling her.  However, when I don't do anything, she says I do nothing.  Even if I just let off on a couple of things, its either, I do everything or I do nothing.  Its never good enough.  I got to the point, I do stuff cause it needs to be done, not cause I want to do it for her or for me, just because it needs to be done.  Im not going to let the rest of my family suffer because of it.

[waverider]

My wife gets mad at me for doing all the household chores saying that I am enabling her.  However, when I don't do anything, she says I do nothing.  Even if I just let off on a couple of things, its either, I do everything or I do nothing.  Its never good enough.  I got to the point, I do stuff cause it needs to be done, not cause I want to do it for her or for me, just because it needs to be done.  Im not going to let the rest of my family suffer because of it.

I have this too. Its to do with what they want to do, and what they are capable of organizing themselves to do, which is a different thing. If you jump in you are stealing the accolade.

"I was just about to do that"... . but not followed by them jumping up to prove it by actually doing it.

Just do what you are happy with and don't bother arguing about. Conflicts about chores is just an endless, and pointless, waste of time and energy

[an0ught]

In my household it was a journey. At the beginning working up to the serious problems I was letting her dumping responsibilities on me that were hers. She was out of work but I did the shopping and also the cooking to make sure she was actually eating. These are 3 responsibilities she should have carried and one of them that is genuinely hers. The more I supported the worse it got. When everything was crazy and we fought a lot there were Mondays where I went to work late just to make sure our home was super clean so when she came back she would not be triggered. When messing up I was afraid and defensive. During that time we also did most of the shopping together.

A lot changed since and life is a lot calmer and happy. She is a bit OCD and does now most of the household work. I could not do it on her level and besides it keeps her busy with something constructive when she is upset. I have to watch and kick myself not to let her do stuff that is genuinely mine. I still struggle with my old instincts e.g. when seeing the kitchen in disorder (a place I care more about than her) I put her stuff away without thinking of cleaning up my mess first. Taking care of my stuff in a complete and priority manner is still not instinctive but I'm working on it. When messing up I make extra sure I take responsibility. We are doing most of the shopping and errants now independently - much more efficient too.

     I did tell her that I will not be washing the juicer if she uses it anymore, because I almost never use it, and when she uses it she doesn't rinse it, then lets it sit on the counter and get all crusty…so I just let it sit on the counter.  That boundary is actually going really well.  I don't have to spend 15 minutes getting pissed off about how I am washing someone else's dirty juicer anymore.  And I consider that a small success.

I think this is a big success for both sides.

[empathic]

Good topic. Something that is almost constantly an issue in our home. Sometimes it makes me daydream about being responsible for a household by myself, for me I think it would be less work totally that way.

With my wife it's also that I do "everything" or "nothing". Lately she's also implied that when I do certain things I think I'm a "hero". I'm not sure what she means by it, or what she thinks I should change.

I've also heard lately that I'm not thankful enough for things she are doing. That's crazy because I've seldom heard her say the word "thanks" herself, except to other people.

Frankly, I don't think my wife likes to do things for other people.