Time to get out

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been with my BPDBF for 6 years on and off.  At first it was so good... . he seemed great and quickly became my best friend.  But things got bad.  The first time I caught him cheating (in our house while I was home asleep in the next room) I left him for months and went NC.  He proceeded to start dating that girl and eventually contacted me behind her back because he "missed me."  After a few months they broke up (because he cheated on her) and we started hanging out again and I, against all the warnings and red flags, started dating him again.  Since then, he has cheated on me numerous times with I don't know how many girls.  I caught him a couple times... . by reading his Facebook (which I then felt like a crazy for doing) and he made me feel even more crazy and told me I was just looking for a reason to leave him again (and maybe I was.)  Funny thing was, there was always something to find... . some proposition or message thanking a girl for some sexual favor.  So I would leave and not answer his hundreds of calls or texts and then after a while, I would.  Just one.  And then the whole cycle would start again.

Right now, I am living with him.  We have been back together for 6 months or so and I'll be honest, he had me fooled for a lot longer this time.  He has been affectionate and loving.  Of course this is when he's not in a rage but even those were much farther in between.  I thought that things might actually be going better with the cheating issue.  Then a bit after Christmas, a friend told me something that he did with another friend.  This person was completely desparate and in a horrible position emotionally and financially and he used that to get a sexual favor from her.  When I heard that, I was beyond disgusted.  That he could manipulate someone who was so fragile they were practically suicidal is repellant to me. 

And then, as if this wasn't enough, my brother, who I am extremely close to because we lost our mom when we were younger, came to me with the news that someone had come to him in confidence and told him that my bf had propositioned them and done things with them (my brother respected their privacy and didn't give me details but I know in my heart that it's true.)  The worst part of this is that this incident occurred with someone that my bf and I work with.  I got him a job at my place of employment and he repays me by going behind my back with someone I know and am friends with. 

I have left before and I always slipped up and talked to him because I felt bad for him.  I know he has issues and I want to help... . I'm sure I'm very dependent... . I know I have many issues from my mom's death that lead me back into talking to him and feeling needed by him.  I think I need to leave.  I am depressed and I just want to be free of the eggshells and constant attention he requires.  Being with him, there is never any attention to my issues and emotions, he's actually told me in a rage "why can't you be a woman and shove those emotions down?"  My fear with leaving this time is that we now work together.  There will be times when I have to see him at work and I don't know how he will act.  I am afraid but I want out.  My family is supportive but skeptical... . they have seen this many times before and are as tired as I am of the cycle. 

Any advice would be appreciated.  I want to have as little contact as possible with him and just get on with my life and healing me.

[WrennyJen]

I have been with my BPDBF for 6 years on and off.  At first it was so good... . he seemed great and quickly became my best friend.  But things got bad.  The first time I caught him cheating (in our house while I was home asleep in the next room) I left him for months and went NC.  He proceeded to start dating that girl and eventually contacted me behind her back because he "missed me."  After a few months they broke up (because he cheated on her) and we started hanging out again and I, against all the warnings and red flags, started dating him again.  Since then, he has cheated on me numerous times with I don't know how many girls.  I caught him a couple times... . by reading his Facebook (which I then felt like a crazy for doing) and he made me feel even more crazy and told me I was just looking for a reason to leave him again (and maybe I was.)  Funny thing was, there was always something to find... . some proposition or message thanking a girl for some sexual favor.  So I would leave and not answer his hundreds of calls or texts and then after a while, I would.  Just one.  And then the whole cycle would start again.

Right now, I am living with him.  We have been back together for 6 months or so and I'll be honest, he had me fooled for a lot longer this time.  He has been affectionate and loving.  Of course this is when he's not in a rage but even those were much farther in between.  I thought that things might actually be going better with the cheating issue.  Then a bit after Christmas, a friend told me something that he did with another friend.  This person was completely desparate and in a horrible position emotionally and financially and he used that to get a sexual favor from her.  When I heard that, I was beyond disgusted.  That he could manipulate someone who was so fragile they were practically suicidal is repellant to me. 

And then, as if this wasn't enough, my brother, who I am extremely close to because we lost our mom when we were younger, came to me with the news that someone had come to him in confidence and told him that my bf had propositioned them and done things with them (my brother respected their privacy and didn't give me details but I know in my heart that it's true.)  The worst part of this is that this incident occurred with someone that my bf and I work with.  I got him a job at my place of employment and he repays me by going behind my back with someone I know and am friends with. 

I have left before and I always slipped up and talked to him because I felt bad for him.  I know he has issues and I want to help... . I'm sure I'm very dependent... . I know I have many issues from my mom's death that lead me back into talking to him and feeling needed by him.  I think I need to leave.  I am depressed and I just want to be free of the eggshells and constant attention he requires.  Being with him, there is never any attention to my issues and emotions, he's actually told me in a rage "why can't you be a woman and shove those emotions down?"  My fear with leaving this time is that we now work together.  There will be times when I have to see him at work and I don't know how he will act.  I am afraid but I want out.  My family is supportive but skeptical... . they have seen this many times before and are as tired as I am of the cycle. 

Any advice would be appreciated.  I want to have as little contact as possible with him and just get on with my life and healing me.

[patientandclear]

Wrenny -- 

What kind of advice or support do you think would be helpful?  Your description of the situation seems very clear-eyed and I'm sure you're right that continuing with him on these terms is damaging to you & it would be good to get out permanently.  And cheating in particular appears to be behavior that does not change.

I know the longing for things to be different than they are is tough, the good times can make it hard to believe what else is actually going on (because normally, in a r/s that felt that good, people wouldn't sabotage it -- but for him, the feelings are probably a lot more complex than he is sharing with you, & he probably has a lot of fear & resentment to go along with good feelings toward you).

So -- what does it feel like is in your way, that we might be able to help you with?

[Waifed]

Respect Yourself... . Leave for Good

[RecycledNoMore]

Do you have a therapist Wrenny?

They may be able to help you make sense of what your going through?

Sometimes it can be helpful to get perspective on things from a neutral pair of eyes

.

My family too were skeptical of me, I found that actions speak louder than words.

[WrennyJen]

Patient - I guess I want to know how to interact with him and still be able to keep my distance after I leave.   I know I can't avoid him forever, and he will keep trying to contact me.  I end up feeling bad because I know some of what goes on in his head so I try to be a friend and support him and he always pushes it to be more.  And it seems like the longer I am gone, the more the good times stand out and I start to miss his friendship and forget just how the reality was with the rages and walking on eggshells.  I guess when I've left in the past I never was gone long enough to get past that idealistic phase of forgetting the bad things that happened and look at the real picture.

And it is really hard when things are good.  Even today, knowing what I know and knowing that I need to get out, it's so hard.  He can seem to be so completely engaged with me and in sync and then I will find out later that through all the "I love you's" and affection he was chatting with someone online while next to me.  I know that his emotions for me are a push and pull of anger and need and, I think, love... . as much as he is capable of loving me.  I think maybe that is the biggest thing in my way, letting go of those good days and realizing that it's never going to be all bad and it's still ok for me to leave because he's doing wrong. 

Recycled - I don't have a therapist yet, I need to find one and sort out if my insurance will cover any of it.  Finances could be an issue for me but I know I need help to feel good again.  There is also a support group at my church focused on recovery from abusive/destructive relationships that I am going to start going to. 

[RecycledNoMore]

Patient - I guess I want to know how to interact with him and still be able to keep my distance after I leave.   I know I can't avoid him forever, and he will keep trying to contact me.  I end up feeling bad because I know some of what goes on in his head so I try to be a friend and support him and he always pushes it to be more.  And it seems like the longer I am gone, the more the good times stand out and I start to miss his friendship and forget just how the reality was with the rages and walking on eggshells.  I guess when I've left in the past I never was gone long enough to get past that idealistic phase of forgetting the bad things that happened and look at the real picture.

And it is really hard when things are good.  Even today, knowing what I know and knowing that I need to get out, it's so hard.  He can seem to be so completely engaged with me and in sync and then I will find out later that through all the "I love you's" and affection he was chatting with someone online while next to me.  I know that his emotions for me are a push and pull of anger and need and, I think, love... . as much as he is capable of loving me.  I think maybe that is the biggest thing in my way, letting go of those good days and realizing that it's never going to be all bad and it's still ok for me to leave because he's doing wrong. 

Recycled - I don't have a therapist yet, I need to find one and sort out if my insurance will cover any of it.  Finances could be an issue for me but I know I need help to feel good again.  There is also a support group at my church focused on recovery from abusive/destructive relationships that I am going to start going to. 

Good for you Wrennyjen, small steps foward... keep posting and reading here too, we are all in the same boat:)

[whatarideout]

  Even today, knowing what I know and knowing that I need to get out, it's so hard. 

its hard because you have created a reality that wont let you leave.

you've conditioned yourself to believe the pain of staying is far less than the pain of leaving. you are willing to continue your cycle because you've assigned much more painful meaning to your life without him.

what you are currently dealing with is familiar and you know what to expect. a familiar pain is much better than the unknown pain and challenges that await if you were to actually leave once and for all.

the only way you will ever detach and move forward is when you make a shift in your beliefs and what meanings you give yourself to a life without him.

right now, you are dealing with a situation where your boyfriend has re stimulated an issue from childhood that you are unconciously trying to fix because you weren't able to when you were younger. the problem is, your trying to fix him and not resolve the real issue which you can do on your own. he just brought your internal issue back up to the surface. its painful to leave because you haven't "fixed" your issue. because you have attached him to your childhood issue, you think you need to resolve your relationship with him in order to move past your issue.

if you "fix" him, you "fix" your childhood issue. your're trying to solve an internal issue with an outside solution. impossible.

jen, you have what it takes to move on and live the life you deserve. you're just not aware of it yet.

dig deep and realize this has nothing to do with him and its all in your mind.