Finding the Strength to Make a Decision

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I usually hang out on the undecided board, but am getting closer and closer to joining you all over here, I think, because nothing is getting better -- in fact, everything seems to be getting worse.

The biggest thing I struggle with right now is simple inertia.  I am so exhausted, mentally and physically, and seem to be suffering from a case of analysis paralysis.  I am just so... . tired that I can't seem to make myself make a decision on anything, especially the future of this relationship.  Whereas I used to have tons of energy to clean, tackle home projects, get out of the house, and unlimited patience with my H, it's all gone now.  Now, if I'm not working, it seems my life consists of sitting, reading, thinking, reading some more, thinking some more, and that's the extent of it.  I am completely living in my head going over this stuff 800 times a day.  I have been depressed before, and this doesn't feel like that did.  This feels like... . defeat, just that dreaded feeling you get when you lose the big game, big case, or fail the biggest test of your life.  Normally in situations like this, I would have a quick pity party, put on my big girl panties, and get moving again, on to the next thing.  I am finding that I can't even motivate myself right now to do much of anything, let alone make such a huge decision as stay or go. 

I had lofty goals going into 2014 that I was going to begin making a life for myself independent of my H -- volunteering, meet ups, et cetera; that I was going to do 99 things... . but I know every single one of them will lead to yet another rage, and so I hesitate doing anything because I don't have it in me to deal with too many more rages.

To those of you who have been here, who just felt like every part of you had been used up and drained out, how did you get the strength to start turning things around so that you could make a decision regarding the status of your relationship?  I know it all starts with just one step; the problem is I can't even muster the energy to take that step yet. 

[karma_gal]

I usually hang out on the undecided board, but am getting closer and closer to joining you all over here, I think, because nothing is getting better -- in fact, everything seems to be getting worse.

The biggest thing I struggle with right now is simple inertia.  I am so exhausted, mentally and physically, and seem to be suffering from a case of analysis paralysis.  I am just so... . tired that I can't seem to make myself make a decision on anything, especially the future of this relationship.  Whereas I used to have tons of energy to clean, tackle home projects, get out of the house, and unlimited patience with my H, it's all gone now.  Now, if I'm not working, it seems my life consists of sitting, reading, thinking, reading some more, thinking some more, and that's the extent of it.  I am completely living in my head going over this stuff 800 times a day.  I have been depressed before, and this doesn't feel like that did.  This feels like... . defeat, just that dreaded feeling you get when you lose the big game, big case, or fail the biggest test of your life.  Normally in situations like this, I would have a quick pity party, put on my big girl panties, and get moving again, on to the next thing.  I am finding that I can't even motivate myself right now to do much of anything, let alone make such a huge decision as stay or go. 

I had lofty goals going into 2014 that I was going to begin making a life for myself independent of my H -- volunteering, meet ups, et cetera; that I was going to do 99 things... . but I know every single one of them will lead to yet another rage, and so I hesitate doing anything because I don't have it in me to deal with too many more rages.

To those of you who have been here, who just felt like every part of you had been used up and drained out, how did you get the strength to start turning things around so that you could make a decision regarding the status of your relationship?  I know it all starts with just one step; the problem is I can't even muster the energy to take that step yet. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I can totally relate to being wrung out and exhausted.  The thing that worked for me was distance.  Don't know how possible that is for you, but for me getting away from her was an instant relief, there would be no rages, no crazymaking psycho exchanges, none of it, and I could just breathe.  That was only the beginning, I found that as I got my energy back a little and my feet on the ground all of the emotions I had repressed to keep the peace started coming up, it's been a long slog to process, but it was the initial distance that got the ball rolling with my detachment.

What made leaving easy was anger.  Don't know if you feel any, but my anger saved me.  I had gotten to a point where I hated her and never wanted to see her again, that changed later as my feelings were mixed, and mixed up, but that initial anger was the kick in the ass I needed.  Take care of you!

[LilMissSunshine]

Karma, not to long ago I felt the same as you.  Should I stay or go?  If I go how do I do it?  I also felt completely consumed by all of this and was totally exhausted.

What helped me decide and take that first step was this board.  For months I read threads, without much participation, and gained the motivation to leave.  Knowing I was not alone and that there were good people here to help me gave me the strength. 

Finally, as FHTH said, distance.  Distance is key.  It's only been a short while for me, but every day I feel a bit more relieved.  No lie - it's a struggle like none I've ever experienced or wanted to be a part of.  Believe it or not you have already mustered the energy to take the "first step" which is asking for help... . which honey... . you just did.   

[karma_gal]

I can totally relate to being wrung out and exhausted.  The thing that worked for me was distance.  Don't know how possible that is for you, but for me getting away from her was an instant relief, there would be no rages, no crazymaking psycho exchanges, none of it, and I could just breathe.  That was only the beginning, I found that as I got my energy back a little and my feet on the ground all of the emotions I had repressed to keep the peace started coming up, it's been a long slog to process, but it was the initial distance that got the ball rolling with my detachment.

What made leaving easy was anger.  Don't know if you feel any, but my anger saved me.  I had gotten to a point where I hated her and never wanted to see her again, that changed later as my feelings were mixed, and mixed up, but that initial anger was the kick in the ass I needed.  Take care of you!

I was afraid someone was going to say that, because when trying to work it out in my head, distance is the only thing I'm coming up with, too.  One of my issues has always been that there is just never time to think, to process, to regroup because every day, multiple times a day, it's something -- another crisis, another rage, another screw-up, another this, another that.  I just can't function anymore because there's no downtime or lag time in between issues to deal with life stuff because I'm always dealing with his stuff.  My doc told me at my last appointment that she was worried about me because I live in fight-or-flight mode all the time, and it's beginning to affect my health.  She suggested the same thing you did:  distance, space, regroup.  

I know my H and any request for space, whether it's to go take a bath (yes, he really does follow me to the restroom) or hole up in a hotel room and just be for one night, is going to cause an issue.  :)istance in this case would literally mean separation or divorce... . and that's where I'm having trouble making a decision because it really is an either/or proposition here.  I have a feeling that's where we're going to end up, but I'm just not there yet.  I still vacillate on should I, shouldn't I a million times a day.  I guess I was thinking when the time came I would just know one way or the other, and I can't seem to get to that place.

Anger?  I feel it, every single day.  God, do I feel anger, and resentment, and contempt, and a whole host of other emotions.  I can't figure out why they aren't motivating me to do something, anything, and instead I sit here and think and think and think some more.  I know I'm going to have to do something, though, because this has become all-consuming, to the detriment of my sleep, my health, my work -- everything is suffering because I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  And that's just not me.  I don't cry usually; I deal with things and move on.  I just can't figure out why I can't do that *this* time.  

I just feel stuck, and that's a crappy place to be, you know?

[karma_gal]

Karma, not to long ago I felt the same as you.  Should I stay or go?  If I go how do I do it?  I also felt completely consumed by all of this and was totally exhausted.

What helped me decide and take that first step was this board.  For months I read threads, without much participation, and gained the motivation to leave.  Knowing I was not alone and that there were good people here to help me gave me the strength. 

Finally, as FHTH said, distance!  Distance is key.  It's only been a short while for me, but every day I feel a bit more relieved.  No lie - it's a struggle like none I've ever experienced or wanted to be a part of.  Believe it or not you have already mustered the energy to take the "first step" which is asking for help... . which honey... . you just did! 

We must have been posting at the same time.

So another vote for distance   That's three of us now, so maybe that's the answer and I just don't like it or thought maybe there was a different right answer saved just for me.  LOL

I am glad to hear that you have been where I am now and have gotten to where I want to be, because if nothing else that gives me hope, and I haven't had much of that lately.  So seriously, thank you for that.  Hope -- yep, that's what I needed. 

It's funny that you said what helped you decide was being here because right now I'm having a love/hate relationship with this board.  LOL.  I am processing so many emotions by being able to read and post that it's been amazingly helpful.  Some of the things I have read, in response to my posts or others, hit really close to home, though, and are making me face things I wish I could've kept buried or been able to keep denying, because they supported my delusion that I was special, that this was fixable, that things would get better.  Facing reality sucks sometimes, and everyone here has been so gentle in helping me do that, but it has been overwhelming with so many things hitting me at once that completely contradict the false reality I've been telling myself just to survive another day.  I don't know if that makes sense; I'm a hot mess today and probably babbling. I just feel like I need to get everything straight in my head before I can make a decision that I won't look back on and wonder "what if?"  And maybe what I need is just some more time to process everything, come to terms with everything, get really angry about everything.  Maybe I am rushing the process because I have been here for a few weeks and feel like I should be ready to decide right this minute.  Maybe I'm just scared and being a wimp.  I don't know.  Lots to think about today!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, fight or flight, pure adrenaline all the time will exhaust us.

My anger was my body's way of breaking through my own denial and insisting things were not OK.  It's a survival mechanism and useful if used.

I figured it might be tough to get significant time to yourself.  How about something innocuous like going to visit a relative?  He probably won't take that well either, but it may be easier than looking for times here or there.  It has to be at least several days, and guaranteed your thoughts and feelings will change when you can breathe.

It doesn't have to be right away, but what helped me was looking at the big picture: do I trust her?  Does she treat me with respect?  Is this relationship going to work long term?  To I even like her?  No, no, no and no.  Under the glare of honest scrutiny there was no hope for the relationship, so better to put it out of its misery sooner rather than later.  Take care of you!

[LilMissSunshine]

I think it's good that your not jumping into a decision KG.  Like I said it took me months.  You know your self and you have to be ready.  You have to have a PLAN/GOAL, especially if you are married to or living with a pwBPD.

It might help a little if you read up on mindfulness:

The Learning Center > Workshops > Topic: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Hang in there.   

[LilMissSunshine]

Also, if/when you decide to go, this article is very helpful in terms of helping you prepare.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

*I know what your going through... . :'(

[patientandclear]

Some of the things I have read, in response to my posts or others, hit really close to home, though, and are making me face things I wish I could've kept buried or been able to keep denying, because they supported my delusion that I was special, that this was fixable, that things would get better.  Facing reality sucks sometimes, and everyone here has been so gentle in helping me do that, but it has been overwhelming with so many things hitting me at once that completely contradict the false reality I've been telling myself just to survive another day.

Karma ... . I completely get this.  This board moved me toward some decisive actions because I could no longer sustain the illusion that we or I was so special that the rules and patterns don't apply to us.  Your story has helped me with that too, even if it wasn't necessarily something I wanted to understand.

I just feel like I need to get everything straight in my head before I can make a decision that I won't look back on and wonder "what if?"  And maybe what I need is just some more time to process everything, come to terms with everything, get really angry about everything.  Maybe I am rushing the process because I have been here for a few weeks and feel like I should be ready to decide right this minute.

I recently (three weeks ago) took "decisive actions" that resulted in the apparent end of my r/s with my ex. I'm using the term "taking decisive actions" rather than "decided" on purpose.  Because I wasn't really able to "decide" to end it either.  What I was able to do was decide what actions felt right to me.  Like you, I knew it was overwhelmingly likely he would react to what I did by ending the r/s or rejecting my position in such a way that caused me to end it.  But I needed to play it out that way.  I found I couldn't just use my knowledge of BPD and pre-judge what was going to happen.  Like ending a chess game, I needed to make just my one move, and see what he did.  In fact, he all but ended things.  But -- that was his choice, you know?  I did what was right and only what was right.  The rest was on him.  It felt better that way, than for me to skip those steps and pre-determine the outcome.  I needed to play it out.

And of course that helps in the production of anger.  Because instead of me guessing he was going to be a jerk & not make room for my legit feelings & be untruthful to me ... . he DID those things & he WAS those things.  And I got mad.  And it helped.

I think the answer to your dilemma may be not to ask yourself to make a final decision, but just to ask yourself to start doing those 99 things (or the night in the hotel alone).  Yes you know what will probably happen.  But the difference is, you KNOW those choices are right, even if you may not have 100% certainty that the decision to end the r/s is right.  So, do what you know is right.  See what he does.  Play it out, on terms where you can believe in each step YOU take completely.  Try not to out-smart yourself, as in, if I do X, he'll do Y, with result Z, so that means if I do X I'm choosing Z.  No it doesn't.  You're choosing X.  Z is the result of him adding in his part, if he does.  It's different.  Of course you don't want to choose Z.  But you can choose X, and play it out.

[LilMissSunshine]

Karma ... . I completely get this.  This board moved me toward some decisive actions because I could no longer sustain the illusion that we or I was so special that the rules and patterns don't apply to us.  Your story has helped me with that too, even if it wasn't necessarily something I wanted to understand.

I recently (three weeks ago) took "decisive actions" that resulted in the apparent end of my r/s with my ex. I'm using the term "taking decisive actions" rather than "decided" on purpose.  Because I wasn't really able to "decide" to end it either.  What I was able to do was decide what actions felt right to me.  Like you, I knew it was overwhelmingly likely he would react to what I did by ending the r/s or rejecting my position in such a way that caused me to end it.  But I needed to play it out that way.  I found I couldn't just use my knowledge of BPD and pre-judge what was going to happen.  Like ending a chess game, I needed to make just my one move, and see what he did.  In fact, he all but ended things.  But -- that was his choice, you know?  I did what was right and only what was right.  The rest was on him.  It felt better that way, than for me to skip those steps and pre-determine the outcome.  I needed to play it out.

And of course that helps in the production of anger.  Because instead of me guessing he was going to be a jerk & not make room for my legit feelings & be untruthful to me ... . he DID those things & he WAS those things.  And I got mad.  And it helped.

I think the answer to your dilema may be not to ask yourself to make a final decision, but just to ask yourself to start doing those 99 things (or the night in the hotel alone).  Yes you know what will probably happen.  But the difference is, you KNOW those choices are right, even if you may not have 100% certainty that the decision to end the r/s is right.  So, do what you know is right.  See what he does.  Play it out, on terms where you can believe in each step YOU take completely.  Try not to out-smart yourself, as in, if I do X, he'll do Y, with result Z, so that means if I do X I'm choosing Z.  No it doesn't.  You're choosing X.  Z is the result of him adding in his part, if he does.  It's different.  Of course you don't want to choose Z.  But you can choose X, and play it out.

Perfectly said PaC... . perfect.

[RecycledNoMore]

Hi karma gal

I can relate to alot of what your saying, I know the utterley draining sense of defeat...

Its heartbreaking I know and I really do feel for you...

For me in the end, the simple truth was

Id had enough.

I was depleted

Nothing left in the tank

The abuse, the lies, the cheating all became inconsequential

And that woke me up, I thought to myself, this has become a normality to me.

I couldnt accept that as my life.

So for me, I guess it was a simple choice

Me or him?

I chose me:)

I know its a hard choice karma,and this may sound a little wishy washy

But you will know in your heart

When enough is enough

[Pearl55]

Karma_ gal

Welcome to this board. Don't be in a hurry but distance is the key as others mentioned. I detached myself for 3 years and I'm 6 weeks out. What I'm struggling at the moment why I've stayed so long? I don't hate my husband and he's nobody for me any more. I see him as a sick man who doesn't want to get help and he's ok the way he is.

When you decide to leave just do it. Don't hesitate because they are highly manipulative and if they see any chances to manipulate you they will do it. You deserve to be truly loved and respected. It's a very tough decision but it will be best for you and even for your husband. He projects all his disappointments and unworthiness and other negative feelings to you or anybody else if he lives with. It's best for them not to be in a relationship but unfortunately they don't recognise this themselves.

You are the adult in your relationship so all the responsibilities down to you. Good luck 

[dontknow2]

karma,

In total exhaustion, I had to do what patientandclear suggests: Start with baby steps and not think about the consequence using sunshine's: mindfulness. Shut off the thinking valve... . sometimes, I say "stop it, stop it, etc." out loud for minutes to quiet my head. I also talk to myself out loud a lot because my thoughts have to slow down to speak and gives me the sense of not being alone... . yes, this made me feel stupid at first but once I got past that, its been a critical survival tool for me.

When nothing was left in me, I didn't have the strength for any big thinking or decisions. So, I focus on what is the best for me to do in this moment right now (by feeling it)... . nothing else. That could be a shower, a walk, or get under my covers. Those baby steps led me to toddler steps and so on. Toddler step might be to take a few days off from thinking. Jumping from baby to adult steps got me in trouble. I had to keep each step small working my way up until ready for bigger or would fall back down.

You sound very strong. I am sorry to hear you've reached this point; it must have taken more than most can take to get there. Please breathe and remember you are important regardless.  

[orderline]

We had an olive plant on the balcony about 6 ft high that was moved inhouse for the winter and it started  droping all the leafs. At least 10-15 fell off every day. I figured in two weeks it will be over if nothing is done. I have seen dead and dry sticks before an knew it would happen.

The plant had done nothing wrong and it was just a regular olive tree.

After a few days searching in shops I found an expensive 15W incandecent plant light, moved the plant to a larger pot and added much more fresh soil and water. The timer for the lamp is on for 14 hours/day and large leafs have now started to shoot out. I cut dead bransches now and then to let the plant know it is in an itching and living world.

What if you translate that to your life what would be the lamp, the soil and the larger pot?

[willtimeheal]

Karma

You need to remember this isn't about him and his needs... . It is about you and your needs. It is necessary to take care of yourself.

I had lofty goals going into 2014 that I was going to begin making a life for myself independent of my H -- volunteering, meet ups, et cetera; that I was going to do 99 things... . but I know every single one of them will lead to yet another rage, and so I hesitate doing anything because I don't have it in me to deal with too many more rages.

Start small and start doing the activities you enjoy.  Set boundaries and stick to them. He will not like it at first but  if you stick to them he will.see you 're serious. You have to find yourself again. If distance isn't an option right now then start with boundaries and stick to them. This is about you and your well being.

[yawp419]

KG... . maybe I missed this, but how long have you been married? I can totally relate to your feelings here. My husband, undiagnosed BPD, and I were together 7 1/2 and I just left 6 months ago. I spent years agonizing over the decision and then some stuff happened that just made my head completely clear and realized "I can't do this anymore." But I had to get there on my own. Just know you aren't alone - I also felt so lethargic, like I couldn't deal with simple housework or exercising or anything beyond taking care of our kids and trying to avoid drama with my husband. For me, it totally sapped the energy and life out of me except when I was with my kids. Now that I have my own apartment and feel in control of my life again, I'm motivated to clean and do the things I never got it together to do before. I feel lonely, definitely - but I have control and energy and stability back. Only you can make a decision about your own relationship... . but just know you aren't alone and make sure you take care of yourself... .

[State85]

KG... .

Focus on yourself right now. Do you think he is sitting around thinking the same about you? Not likely. It sucks, I know... . everyone here knows. You have to take care of yourself... he surely isn't.

[karma_gal]

Wow, you guys.  I am just now getting back here after another crazy weekend with my H and reading all of your responses literally made me cry.  All of the advice is so perfect and so spot on and things that I needed to hear so that I can move forward. 

I love the idea of baby steps leading to toddler steps because that is much easier to wrap my mind around right now.  And PaC, the advice about just letting things play out without me trying to predict the future was priceless because that is exactly where I was getting stuck.  We all know what is going to happen the minute I do one of the things on my list.  He is going to rage and then bolt.  I am getting to a place where I am okay with that….and with changing the locks and closing the door forever. 

I was talking to a friend tonight about all the things I want to do and how I never do them because of his pattern of raging and leaving.  She said something that hit hard, that he has held me hostage long enough.  She is right, as are all of you.  he is going to do what he does and it is time for me to do what I need to do.  It will play out however it plays out. 

I am starting today.  I have a favorite cashier at our local feed store where I buy all my dog food and dog treats.  She and I talked for an hour tonight when she got off work and she was telling me how she wasn't working there as much because she had done a quick two-week course in phlebotomy and got a job at our local hospital.  Now, three months later, the hospital is paying her tuition for a course that, once she completes it, will allow her to move into a different position at twice her current salary.  She has a three-day a week schedule and has killer health benefits for less than twenty bucks a week.  She said if I take the class and get my certification she would be willing to recommend me to her boss and to HR because the hospital is short-staffed and needs help desperately. 

One of my stumbling blocks to leaving has been the need to have a steady income, because while I make good money as a freelancer it is far from steady; my income varies wildly from month to month, and it would make it hard to budget.  The other thing was I need health insurance because I have too many health issues and require Botox every three months that I can't live without.  This would take care of both of those concerns, as well as a third concern I had of wanting to make a career change but not being sure how to afford tuition. 

The ironic part of all of this?  One of my resolutions this year was to make it a point to read one positive self-help book a week, use positive affirmations twice a day, and to learn more about the Law of Attraction after hearing a witness in one of our cases about it.  I needed something to balance out all the negativity of my life with my H.  My clients (who are all dear friends) have all been laughing at me, giving me deadlines to "manifest lottery winnings so we can all retire to the Bahamas," sending me voo-doo dolls and incense in the mail.  It has given us lots of laughs that I was going to become all woo-woo.  Well…... I have done the affirmations every day, have been reading positive books, and made a manifestation box this past weekend while avoiding my H during one of his fits.  In it, I wrote on a piece of paper, "Real job, no more than three days a week, with full benefits; casual dress or uniforms, no pantyhose ever again; tuition reimbursement to allow for career change."  I am not sure I'm convinced yet because it could be total coincidence, but it was eerie tonight as she was talking how everything matched up perfectly to my "dream job" card in my manifestation box….and how it took less than 48 hours for something to come up. 

So when I wake up later today, I am calling the college and I am investing the $800 in myself to take the class and see how this all plays out.  I am scared, and nervous, and oh so excited.

Thanks again to everyone.  I seriously cannot thank each and every one of you enough for taking the time to listen and to dispense such awesome advice.  For the first time in a long time, I have hope.  As one of my clients said today, I'm going to do my thing and be ready to take on the world like the boss-a$$ b!tch I am   Que sera sera -- whatever will be, will be.  I think that's going to be my next tattoo! 

[nevaeh]

Karma... . 

I know you have already gotten a lot of great responses and you are already taking steps towards your "new" future, but I feel compelled to add some thoughts as well.

I have been married to uBPDh for 18 years and we have 3 kids (D16, S13, S9).  I have been where you are for probably the last 10 years, at least.  It is mind boggling to me how my H has such a strong hold on me.  With the kids, there have been practical reasons why I have stayed (i.e. worries about custody/visitation without me there to "protect" the kids), but deep in my heart I have wanted to leave for a very long time. 

If I were to describe my marriage I would say that up until about 3 years ago my H was "bad" about 30 percent of the time and "good" about 70 percent of the time.  When he was bad, I hated him.  When he was good I loved him like crazy.  I would rationalize with myself that if I could just tolerate the bad times that it would be OK... .  the good times were worth it.  I came very close to divorcing H about 4 years ago.  When H found out he had an emotional meltdown... .  crying, begging me to stay, promising to stay, etc.  So I stayed because I believed his promises that he would be better.  And he was, for a while (maybe 6 months)... .  but what I have realized is that he was just holding it in.  His "true self" was always there and when it finally came out again, the curtain was ripped away and his ugliness game back with a vengeance.

So, especially for the last 3 years, I have literally felt emotionally numb.  You can only open your heart up to someone so many times after having it stomped on before you just shut your heart altogether, and that is what has happened with me.  I am incapable of opening my heart back up to him because I know he will let me down over and over and over again. 

H and I had a horrible fight during Christmas of 2012, in which he pushed me down and threw something down the stairs putting a huge hole in the wall, and he did something to S13 that caused him to fall down 1/2 flight of stairs (not sure if he hit him or pushed him).  Something in me snapped and I knew I was done.  However, we had just purchased tickets for spring break and I didn't feel like I could break it off because of the trip.  So I swallowed my anger and we took the trip in March.  Then summer came and he had a very brief military deployment in June so he was gone for about 3 weeks and I had rationalized that I would wait until after that.  Then he returned and we had several family functions going on and family visiting during that time so I "had" to stay because of those commitments.  Then we had another huge blowup in July and the topic of divorce came up several times but every time I would try and take it "there", H was quick to change the subject.  During one of our conversations, H told me that he was "done trying to make this marriage work" and that I was responsible for figuring out how to get things turned around.  The basis of the argument was lack of interest in sex (on my part) and that the reason for his angry outbursts is because of that, basically.  I told him if he was done trying that there was nothing I would be able to do on my own that would "save" our marriage, so maybe divorce was best.  He would then tell me that if I just focused on the "act" of sex, that eventually the feelings of intimacy for him would "return". 

So, that conversation was in July and the kids started school and all of their fall sports in August and I didn't want to be uprooting them in the middle of all of that, so I decided I would wait until after fall sports were done.  At the beginning of October my sister announced that she was moving away from our town (we live a few blocks apart) which I was devastated about but also made me start thinking that maybe I could move to her house.  I've basically been waiting for her to figure out when she would actually be moving and around the middle of December she finally decided they were moving the first weekend of February. 

My point for telling my story is two-fold.  First, I know how "easy" it is to just wait until the next episode.  Doing nothing is easier than doing something... .  your current situation is a known and leaving is an unknown.  That waiting "until next month" became years for me and I regret not doing something sooner.

So... .  on to my second point... .  I have found that the last year has given me the time I need to think about how I am going to make this happen.  I have always had a few close friends who knew of my issues.  But, I started telling more people that I was planning on divorcing H... .  co-workers who I am close to, my boss, and my family.  Once I started sharing my trials it made it real.  I did it on purpose because I knew if I started telling people what was going on that it would hold me accountable for actually leaving when the time came.  I also started emotionally distancing myself from my H.  I, like you, am in a situation where it is all or nothing.  I have always felt that once I tell him I'm making that break, that I better be darn sure that's what I wanted because there would be no going back.  So, while I am not mean to H or anything like that, I really try to minimize contact and conversation/interaction with him as much as possible.  We get along fine as "friends" but there definitely is a distance between us.  He doesn't act out as much as he has in the past... .  I told my counselor that he has been better about that... .  to which she asked if he has really gotten better or if I and the kids have just gotten better about making sure he doesn't have anything to trigger over - BINGO, she was right. 

Anyway, I decided to tell H after the holidays.  I made an appointment with an attorney on January 7.  My parents paid the retainer for the attorney on January 8.  I had a mini panic attack on the 8th because it was becoming "real".  Then on January 9, the lawyer e-mailed me and asked if I wanted her to start the draft petition for divorce.  Another small panic attack, but I replied that yes, it was OK for her to do that.  I put my timeline down on paper, down to the date that I will tell H that I am divorcing him... .  January 25.  I am like you, I have thought about "the" conversation for YEARS, probably thousands of times, trying to predict every possible response he might have and figure out how I would respond if he did this or that.  I have analyzed this TO DEATH.  If you are like me, the actual, physical act of telling H that I want a divorce is the one single thought that has paralyzed me for all of these years. 

Yesterday I received the draft petition from my lawyer.  My stomach flips every time I think about it.  I haven't replied to her yet, but will do so today.  I have to go open a new account at my bank and change the direct deposit of my paycheck by tomorrow.  Once I change the direct deposit there is no changing it, so I absolutely cannot chicken out and not do this before the end of the month.  That is the last "big" step I have to take and know that there will be no turning back at that point.  I am 100% sure that I do not want to be married to him.  I also don't want to hurt him or put my kids through the turmoil of divorce.  This is something I have to do for ME or I know I will live the rest of my life unhappy and in misery. 

My advice to you is to take some time to start figuring things out.  If you don't have kids, you are lucky because it will make the break easier.  Put things on paper, including dates if you can.  Figure out what steps have to take place in order to make things happen.

I started writing a letter to my H that I will give to him after I tell him.  I know I cannot predict how he will take this news.  I have boiled his possible reactions down to 3, and I have a plan for what I will do in each of those cases.  Basically my plan has to do with whether I will stay in our house with the kids or if I will need to move out of the house with the kids.  Everything will depend on his reaction.  I also have a plan for the actual day that I tell him.  The kids will be at school and if things go badly I will pick them up from school and we will stay with my mom for a few days.  I know I will hire a mover if I have to move "quickly".  I will have the paperwork for a temporary protective order done and ready to go to the court if H gets violent or threatening.  I have a lot of the details figured out and while I won't know his reaction until it happens it helps me that I do have details on some things I need to do and won't be reacting to him on the fly.

People have told me that I am strong.  I guess maybe I am... .  I don't feel like I'm strong but I guess we have to be to put up with this BPD madness.  You sound strong as well, and it sounds like you are on your way to a good plan for how you will get out. 

I wish you lots and lots of strength and luck.  You can do this!  This board has given me strength because I see that others have left their partner and lived to tell the tale, so I know I can do it to!  You really can get a lot of moral support and great information from everyone on here, so take advantage of it and put it to good use.

Take care. 

[Obibens]

My point for telling my story is two-fold.  First, I know how "easy" it is to just wait until the next episode.  Doing nothing is easier than doing something... .  your current situation is a known and leaving is an unknown.  That waiting "until next month" became years for me and I regret not doing something sooner.

About 10 years of saying this very thing.   It's like life with a perpetual 'snooze' button!  Currently I'm on - well, after her birthday in a few weeks.  Gaaahhh!  :-)

[overwhelmedandconfused]

Karma,

I completely understand where you are. I was there in the summer. It was really hard for me because I was working full time, parenting my husband and D3, and doing most of my H full time course load. There wasn't any time for me or to sit and think. To make matters worse we had some of the most meaningful and nice family events over the summer, for the first time H was able to participate without drama and an abrupt angry departure. So I was exhausted, confused and unsure of what I wanted. I knew that I never wanted to be a single parent and that I wanted my child to have her father in her life and leaving him meant leaving the state with her (I came to his home for school and never left, but due to controlling behaviors never had support of my own beyond his chosen contacts for me). So that being said, here is how I got to this point:

At the end of the summer, I had a very serious health crisis, like you, my body was worn out from the constant fight or flight hormones and constant conflict/crisis. I was at work after getting a phone call from my landlord that H had yelled at lawn maintenance and that we were possibly being evicted. Later that afternoon, I was finishing up my day and had a burning pain shoot down my shoulder, within a half hour I was exhausted and had chest pain. I continued about my day, picking up my daughter from preschool, getting our crop share, following up with my husband at the college, and coming home to crash on the couch (something I never did). My H knew something ws worng when he walked in and I was laying on the couch. I explained what was going on and he dismissed it as a panic attack (something I have no history of), but showed some concern. I layed on the couch the rest of the night and went about my routine the next day, but had to stop and go to the doctor. I was in bad pain, was short of breath and absolutely exhausted. I never felt that badly even during my pregnancy. I was sent in an ambulance to the hospital, where they ran several tests but released me, mainly because my H kept demanding to know when I could go home and having panic attacks. He made it about him any time the nurse came into the room. He also got upset that I was wearing a hospital gown and started saying that I just wanted my "tits" hanging out for all to see. Well, eventually I got to go home, still felt the same and continued to feel poorly. After five days and due to holiday weekend was unable to get into a PCP (something I had never established, mainly due to H issues revolving around medical treatment for me or D) and ended back at the hospital where I was admitted. I was placed on a cardiac monitor for a month and had numerous follow up appointments. Unfortunately, the cardiologist assigned to me was male and I was therefore required by H to change to a female lengthening the time I spent in care. All the while my H had shipped our D off to his parents because I couldnt take care of her let alone him or myself and he couldnt do it either. During this time, H became physically abusive, something that hadnt happened for a while.

I placed boundaries up that were very specific: you will not take items to control me (ie. phone, wallet, keys), you will not block my access to an exit and you will not be physically violent toward me in any way. If you do these things, I will be done, period. Well, shortly after I started feeling better (turned out to be inflammation in my chest wall, cured by simple ibuprofen), I was on the phone with my family asking for financial help, while H was rude and talking over me on the phone, he threw a marijuana pipe at me, and I told my brother to forget it just help me leave. That is when H came at me nd stripped the phone from my hand. We ended up in a physical confrontation and eventually I was able to escape the house and despite his trying to run me over, I finally had someone who reached out and gave me help. She invited me into her home and called the police on H. He was arrested and I was given a restraining order covering both me and my daughter. Well, it would be great except my H family went into hiding with my daughter, and I had a custody  battle that took over a month before everything got situated. I now have full custody, with visitation with his family as agreed to by me.

Going NC was the best thing for me. I was still protecting him and undecided whether I was truly done when all of this happened. I am not a typical domestic violence  victim, I am well educated, having graduated from an Ivy League univeristy, I work and have my own income, I was emotionally healthy prior to the relationship, but was predisposed to helping others and loving "challenges". I think it is what kept me in the relationship for 7 years.

For me it was the event that occurred, which violated my very specific boundaries which he agreed to during a calm period, and I had been emotionally detaching for some time. Like you I felt that my heart could not open to him any longer because it had been broken too many times with his false promises. I knew I could not fix wahat troubled him, I was not to blame for it and I could not physically continue living my life that way.

As a follow up there is a life after living with BPD so long. I am happier now than I have been in 7 years. I am healthier now than  hve been in a long time. I do more things with my daughter than I ever did before. My home is calm, predictable, clean and happy, something my daughter has never known in her entire life.

Now, this has not been an easy road, as I said I have had a custody battle that I won, waiting for court was the hardest. I have an upcoming fight to leave the state to be closer to my family. Both myself and my daughter meet with a therapist and we are just beginning to probe into why I stayed so long and recognizing what drew me in in the first place so I never make the mistake again. My daughter has had struggles understanding why daddy is not coming home and is worried she will never see him again, but with reassurance she is doing ok.

I wish you the best of luck and can tell you the best thing you can do is emotionally distance yourself, set up very clear boundaries (including what the consequences are for violating your boundaries, (ie. leaving for the weekend to go with family or altogether), you may also try a trial seperation it was something we thought about but never did, and most of all start taking better care of yourself and doing things that make you happy. It is crucial to make yourself a priority, it will give you strength to make it through this challenging process. And one last word of advice, if you chose to leave and go NC, dont be tempted to check in to see how they are doing (it makes it extremely difficult and could bring you back in again, something that will weaken you overall resolve to be done once and for all), but find a trusted friend if you feel the need to ask how they are doing with out them knowing you are checking (that way you can contact their T or psychiatrist if they need support) if you are worried about possible suicide or other self harming behaviors, that was one thing I needed to be concerned about. I do still love this person, but I am not in love with him nor do I even like him anymore, so I needed to do something to ensure that he was ok even after the split and to hopefully ensure that when the courts say he can have contact with D, he will be hopefully able to be a decent father.

Sorry for the length and hope this helps.

[gary seven]

nevaeh said:

So, especially for the last 3 years, I have literally felt emotionally numb.  You can only open your heart up to someone so many times after having it stomped on before you just shut your heart altogether, and that is what has happened with me.  I am incapable of opening my heart back up to him because I know he will let me down over and over and over again. 

My advice to you is to take some time to start figuring things out.

People have told me that I am strong.  I guess maybe I am... .  I don't feel like I'm strong but I guess we have to be to put up with this BPD madness.  You sound strong as well, and it sounds like you are on your way to a good plan for how you will get out. 

I wish you lots and lots of strength and luck.  You can do this!  This board has given me strength because I see that others have left their partner and lived to tell the tale, so I know I can do it to!  You really can get a lot of moral support and great information from everyone on here, so take advantage of it and put it to good use.

Dear nevaeh: 

I think I will have those words of wisdom tattooed to the inside of my eyelids as a mantra.  I hope your children are ok from all that has happened.  I am wondering how my school-aged kids will handle me going through basically the same thing you are going through.

The kids' therapist says that kids are resilient, but I don't know about the scars left behind, and how the kids will heal.  And that goes for me as well. 

But I appreciate all of the sharing and the details.  It gives me new ways to think, as well as new ways to dream.