Kids Therapist Concerned with Ex,

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The ex took the kids to see their therapist today. The therapist contacted me afterward and informed me that if I wanted to go back to court and ask for supervised visits that she would be supportive of that because my d10 was a wreck today because of mom.  They have actually been a wreck all week since they spent extra time at their moms over Christmas break. My ex is getting worse and seems to be holey obsessed with getting to me rather than being a good parent.

I haven't been able to talk to my lawyer yet. We have joint legal and I have 75%physical custody.   

My daughter was also afraid at school and the school physiologist called me and  told me it was because of what the kids mom was saying to her, which was bad things about me, that was causing the anxiety in my daughter.   

I feel I need to do this but the only current compelling wittiness I have are the school physiologist and the kids therapist and there are confidentiality issues. The ex has refused to sign releases so the kids therapist can talk to the school phycologist or the kids previous therapist, which the ex got into it with and pulled the kids out of therapy. She is threatening to pull the kids out of therapy again, per the therapist who told me that she stoop up to my ex today and ex threatened to pull the kids out of therapy.  .

Any advice would be appreciated. 

[sfbayjed]

The ex took the kids to see their therapist today. The therapist contacted me afterward and informed me that if I wanted to go back to court and ask for supervised visits that she would be supportive of that because my d10 was a wreck today because of mom.  They have actually been a wreck all week since they spent extra time at their moms over Christmas break. My ex is getting worse and seems to be holey obsessed with getting to me rather than being a good parent.

I haven't been able to talk to my lawyer yet. We have joint legal and I have 75%physical custody.   

My daughter was also afraid at school and the school physiologist called me and  told me it was because of what the kids mom was saying to her, which was bad things about me, that was causing the anxiety in my daughter.   

I feel I need to do this but the only current compelling wittiness I have are the school physiologist and the kids therapist and there are confidentiality issues. The ex has refused to sign releases so the kids therapist can talk to the school phycologist or the kids previous therapist, which the ex got into it with and pulled the kids out of therapy. She is threatening to pull the kids out of therapy again, per the therapist who told me that she stoop up to my ex today and ex threatened to pull the kids out of therapy.  .

Any advice would be appreciated. 

[Matt]

How long has it been since custody was established?

Sounds like the next step would be to talk with your attorney and find out how things work there - who can testify and what the burden is to get custody changed.

If your ex has a lawyer, it may be that some change can be worked out as a settlement, without going to court.  But I wouldn't put much effort into that - maybe let your lawyer talk to her lawyer and see if that can be worked out, but if the other side doesn't cooperate, just move forward through the court process.

If your ex has BPD and isn't getting treatment, it's probably in your kids' interest to spend as little time as possible with their mom.

[momtara]

You said the therapist 'would be supportive.'  Does that mean writing a letter or something?

A mom saying bad things may not be enough for supervised, but if it is causing so much anguish, maybe.  Yes, talk to lawyers.

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like you need to file to end joint custody.  I've been in court to seek custody (Change of Circumstances) and a year later increased parenting time (Modification of Parenting Time).  Each action took about a year and a half.  Your kids can't wait for a slow ponderous court process.  So in addition to seeking sole custody you also need to file ex parte for somewhat quicker action regarding their visits with their mother.  Yes, it is still a process, but the ex parte would have the court act first and then assign an investigator or evaluator to determine the next steps.  Likely anyone the court authorizes to investigate or evaluate will have the authority to speak with the various counselors, doctors, etc and report back to the court.

Perhaps mother's refusal to allow the professionals to communicate amongst themselves for the children's counseling will give additional basis for you be get sole custody or at least decision-making or tie-breaker.

Is there a reason the therapist didn't also contact CPS?  Was it important enough to inform you but not enough to report to CPS?

If you hold back because you think the court might not do anything, that will be a disservice to your children.  Present your case and see what the professionals will do.  You have the upper hand thus far on parenting and returning to court will be informing the court that the current order does not protect the children sufficiently.

I was just in court and for the first time some recordings were played that revealed my ex's changing claims - she felt she could make and change terms on the fly to favor herself - and how she felt free to rant and rage at me when she felt she was in private settings, just me, her and and our child.  The court decision largely focused on Mother's disparagement of Father in the hearing of son.  Despite that, probably because our son had some anxiety but not excessive, court minimized mother's behaviors, even gave her "one more try" for summers.

[livednlearned]

Having an impartial third-party professional involved is how I ended up with full custody. Their word, especially after working with the child for a period of time, can go a long way. In my case it was a parenting coordinator who was a child psychologist. She never worked directly with S12 but she was sufficiently alarmed by what N/BPDx was writing to me in emails to be worried about his effect on S12.

Where I live, one parent cannot terminate the child's therapy. Check to see if your ex can do that -- she may be blowing smoke. I would also write your ex an email asking her to give the school psychologist permission to communicate with your D's therapist (so you have the response documented).

Then, either write an email to the school psychologist, or make an appointment, referencing what your D's therapist said -- anything written to school staff is public record. You can read those emails in court in the event that your D's therapist will not testify (although it sounds like she will). Your ex will have to explain why she did not want the therapists to communicate. Are you in regular contact with the guidance counselor?

You might want to also talk to the family specialist if your D's school has one. They are usually social workers who take into account what's happening in the family system. It's a good idea for them to know what's going on because they can protect your D if she becomes unglued at school. Middle school is stressful, and she may act out, even years after the divorce is final, because her coping skills are stunted. The family specialist at my son's school has helped buffer a few incidents that I think would've ended in harsher discipline -- something that our kids don't need, especially when they're experiencing rages and abuse from a parent. They need someone to help them understand why they are stuffing their feelings and then feeling flooded by them, how to manage their anxiety and anger. A family specialist will intervene in disciplinary measures with a therapeutic response that fits what your kid needs. 

Also, when you talk to your L, ask what constitutes "substantive change in circumstances," which is what you'll probably be up against if you try to modify physical or legal custody. I wouldn't want to see you go to court just to have a judge rule that the mother cannot interfere in therapy, if that's already something she can't do.

I'm so sorry your daughter is suffering. Your ex is setting herself up to lose custody of her kids -- keep documenting things and write emails to help draw out these conversations so you have a record of what's going on, not just conversations that might get brushed aside by the opposing L.

[Matt]

Where I live, there's "residential custody" and "legal custody" - sounds like it might work like that there too, but maybe they say "physical custody" not "residential".

It's very hard for a father to get more than 50% physical custody, and it's hard for either parent to get sole legal custody.

There may be steps down the path, like going from 75% to no overnights, just several hours for her every other weekend.

And there may be a way to clarify "legal custody", so it only means major medical decisions, choice of religion, and moving.  Things like counseling might be defined as the responsibility of the parent with majority residential custody.

If your lawyer is experienced, she can probably advise you whether it's better to go for a big change in custody, or some smaller measures that will help, and then see how things go.

[sfbayjed]

I know there is no point in trying to negotiate with her lawyer.  We are still in the process of divorce so I am not sure if I need a change in circumstances or not as we have not finalized the divorce yes. I am sure this would qualify, though. I didn't think about CPS. I found them to be completely ineffective but I will bring it up

I haven't heard from my attorney yet, this has all come up on Saturday, 2 days ago. The kids therapist called me again yesterday and told me what had happened. The ex has been attempting to brain wash the kids against me. She has been pressuring them to tell the therapist things that are not true and to tell the therapist that they wanted equal time with both parents.  So thats what my daughter said at first when it came up, she then  went out and waited with her mom as my son went in for his session. When my son came out my daughter broke down and begging that the she be able to speak to the therapist again. She went in and told the truth that her mom had been pressuring her for months and that is not what she wanted.  The ex tried to prevent her from going back in. She also, after, demand that the therapist tell her what our daughter had said. The therapist refused.  Also my Ex'x therapist called the kids therapist and yelled at her for 20 minutes saying that my ex is a victim. That is disturbing, that she has been able to fool this therapist and the therapist is validating her. Not good. It amazes me that a professional could buy her BS. The kids therapist agrees that my ex's ONLY agenda is to engage me and make me look bad.  

I am a bit overwhelmed, wishing I could be more organized.  I am also switching the kids school this week and I have been afraid to tell the ex before the kids come back from her weekend because she is so volatile. My daughter was afraid to go to school, there was a kid picking on her and also she was also emotional because her mom. The ex refused to sign a release so the therapist can talk to the school, the teacher was not responsive (doesn't understand) my daughters needs and is forcing her to partner up with a kid that was picking on her.  Well i moved a few months ago and am in the area of a different school, so Friday we went and signed up at the new school. The court order says I can change schools but I am concerned about how the Ex is going to react

It never ends.

[Waddams]

I'm sorry for all that is happening.  It's so frustrating that pwPD's can find ways to endlessly throw monkey wrenches into everything we try to do. 

You know already, but you definitely need to talk to your L.  It's pretty obvious you need at the very least tie breaker decision making, so when you and your EX can't agree on kid decisions, you can overrule her.  Then, you'd be able to give permission for counselors to talk, etc.  You'd also be able to have control over the T's for kids, etc.  In fact, with 75% physical custody, I'd recommend you ask your lawyer if you might be implied to have it anyway, regardless of if it is expressly stated in your court orders or not.  There might be something in your state's family law codes that gives you that discretion.  And anything stated in the law overrules what is in court orders, because court orders that violate the law are not enforceable.

I mention this because you are allowed to switch the kid's school without discussion with their mother.  Why would you not have other overriding parental authorities, whether it is stated expressly in the court orders or not?  I'd be tempted to give the therapists my own letter giving my permission to communicate, and state as the kid's primary physical custodian, I have the right to overrule their mother when it's in the kid's best interest to do so.  Maybe even get your L to help write the letter, or even sign it for you.

What I've found is that if you can demonstrate you're acting in the kid's best interest, the courts will generally let you and not sanction your later, even if a specific circumstance is questionable referencing the court orders.  Document everything as to reasoning why and outcomes and everything that comes out of it, so you can present ironclad justification later if need be.  And remember, it's only an issue if your xBPD objects and creates a court stink.  When you get into discovery, I'd imagine her L would get the info., see the whole picture, and realize it's a bad idea to continue to chase that issue through court.  As was stated above, your kids can't wait for the courts to take their time.  They help when they need it.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think now is the time for some very strong action, based on your lawyer's advice.  I hope you can talk to her very soon.

Maybe there is a way (ex parte?) to get in front of a judge very soon, and if possible bring information from the kids' therapist - maybe she would testify or be present or give you a letter you can give to the judge - and have an immediate, temporary solution.

Alienation needs to be dealt with strongly and quickly.  Your argument could be, "It is not in the kids' interest to be subjected to this kind of pressure at all, not even for another day.  We are asking the court to suspend all unsupervised contact between the kids and their mom, until Mom has been diagnosed and is following the recommended treatment plan, and can demonstrate to the court's satisfaction that she understands why she is doing this stuff and has learned how to control her behavior so she won't engage in alienation any more."

A key is whether your lawyer has ever successfully handled a similar situation.  If not, maybe she knows a colleague who has, and who could help with this immediate situation.

[livednlearned]

I think when our kids grow up with bullying in the home, they are more susceptible to either being bullied, or feeling bullied. My son experienced this. It has taken a lot of counseling, and I've had to change how I parent, but he is much better now, more assertive. I think his friend picker could use some work, but a few weeks ago he told me about a friend who was targeting him (a lesser version of bullying, but still) and then explained how he was going to tell this kid he didn't want to be his friend anymore because he was mean to everyone, even his friends.

Kids learn from us how to be assertive, and your daughter, with help from a counselor, will learn how to do this. Middle school is tough for girls, maybe establish a relationship with the school right off the bat and let them know what your daughter is going through so the teachers and counselors will look out for her.

[sfbayjed]

The Ex file a request for emergency orders to remove the kids therapist and force them back to the old school where my daughter was afraid to go to school.  There are absolutely no redeeming qualities in this woman what so ever.

[sfbayjed]

She is also accusing me of parental alienation in this motion. That is what she does the entire time she is with the kids.  I never say anything bad about their mom to them.  I the kids have lied to their mom but I have not encouraged them to do so.  It is because their mothers love is conditional.

[Waddams]

I'm sorry for how she's reacting and the headache's it's going to cause you and the kids.  Just please remember, you've got the court and experts on your side now.  Your L very likely knows all this, as well as you, but your L should be able to get the T's expert testimony in front of the court one way or another, you were just granted the right to change schools for a reason, etc. 

Particularly if the kids can built up by you, their T, school counselors, etc. to have the strength to simply take their own side and tell the truth, and not take either parent's side at all (which will mean developing the strength to stand up to their BPDmom), I think you'll be fine.  You'll likely also have a case to at least make the claim to have BPDmom pay your fees associated with defending against her filing.  It sounds frivolous, vindictive, and only geared toward hurting you and not aligned with anything remotely close to the kid's best interests.  At least ask for an order for her to pay you that will serve as a message that using the legal system to continue her emotional terrorism and abuse will only hurt her most in the end.

I know it sucks, but you've got yourself established in a good position, we all know she is going to find some way to create more drama, and you'll get through this, potentially with even stronger position regarding parenting than you have now.  It is possible to turn these things to your advantage if you and your L play your cards right.

Let us know what your L says about all this!

[Matt]

I think it's critical that you call her out on this accusation.  Find out if your lawyer has ever handled something like this before, and how the approach taken worked.

Force the issue.  Repeat what she said and point out that she has no evidence, and state very clearly that what she said is false - she is making false and unsupported accusations, which is hurting the legal process and is not in the kids' interest.

Find out if it is a crime in your state to make false accusations in a court case.  (It is in my state.)  Ask about ways she can get consequences - criminal charges?  Civil charges?  Defamation suit?  Etc.

Don't be passive - shine a bright light on what she is doing.  But be careful about accusing her of the same thing, unless you can prove it.

Do the kids have a counselor they can talk openly with?

[livednlearned]

The Ex file a request for emergency orders to remove the kids therapist and force them back to the old school where my daughter was afraid to go to school.  There are absolutely no redeeming qualities in this woman what so ever.

This is not likely to go anywhere, is my guess. Most courts support kids of high-conflict divorces being in therapy and do not want to change what's in place. Your ex is scared about the direction things are going because she is losing control.

If the emergency order prevents your daughter from transferring, it might be a good idea to get out your titanium backbone and meet with the principal. Ask what he or she is going to do about the bullying situation, and explain how the teacher reacted when you expressed your concern. Keep asking what the school is going to do to protect her -- where can she go if she needs a safe place? What teacher will keep an eye on her? Who can you call every day to see how your daughter is holding up?

And then maybe tell your daughter what you did. "I went to the principal today and told them it is unacceptable that there is bullying. I won't be bullied, and you won't be bullied. The principal said you can do xyz if it happens. You can also go to this room at any time. If you need to excuse yourself from class, you can tell them you want to see the school nurse. Lots of kids do that because that feels safer to say it when we feel anxious. Lots of adults do that too.

Something to offset what your ex is doing -- you are being assertive, protecting her, and solving problems.

It took me years to figure out how to get the schools to listen to me. I didn't go in and bang desks, I came in and said, "Here's the problem. This is what I'm doing. How are you going to solve the problem on your end?" For the most part, it has worked out, and I found good people who seemed willing to work with me to make sure things were ok for S12.

[Matt]

Yeah, I had experiences similar to LnL's.

Some schools have a counselor - I talked to the one at my kids' school and she was super-helpful, and offered to keep an eye out and let them know they could talk to her any time.  She also recommended a counselor in private practice.

Same for teachers - if you take the initiative to set up a meeting with each teacher, and just let them know what's going on, they'll probably be eager to help.

At the new school, you have an opportunity to step up and be very visible, and work closely with the principal, teachers, etc. to support your kids.  You don't have to trash their mom but you can say, "I have primary custody, and their mom has some serious issues, so it's possible she might call or come here and be upset.  Please let me know if that happens, how I can help - let's not let it impact the kids."

[ForeverDad]

I've been in and out of family court since 2005 when we separated.  Only recently did the court make clear mention of "Mother's repeated disparagement of Father in front of their child".  Was this a recent behavioral change?  No, she's been that way all along.  So how did it go on so long and get judicial action only now?  In part, courts hope the initial conflict moderates over time, as usually happens with reasonably normal parents.  Also, every time we went to court it ended in some sort of settlement and as you know settlements rarely detail the underlying issues.  Divorce 23.5 months, Change of Circumstances 17.5 month, and now this Modification of Parenting Time 17 months.  That's 5 out of our 8 years post-separation spent in court for just these three matters.  Finally, this time it went to 2 days testimony and a magistrate's decision.  The magistrate had to list the reasons for the decision and so finally the poor behaviors made it onto the record.  Finally.

What I'm saying is that getting the poor behaviors on the record is a good thing.  You've already got credibility since you were assigned majority time.  Of course she will make wild accusations and unsubstantiated allegations.  She's expecting that past successes making emotional claims and extreme allegations will result in a settlement somewhere in between if not even in her favor.  So stand your ground.  Like a huge rock pounded by the waves of a hurricane, rains of a monsoon and wind force of a tornado.  Weather the storm, no guarantees but the odds are you will gain credibility and she will continue to lose credibility.

[sfbayjed]

I just heard from the therapist. She says that she consulted with her colleges and she can't write a report to the court unless we both sign releases.   The ex isn't going to sign anything. This is frustrating.    Now it's my word against her. 

[Waddams]

Can you subpoena her and just have her testify personally at a hearing? 

Another question for the T -

The therapist contacted me afterward and informed me that if I wanted to go back to court and ask for supervised visits that she would be supportive of that because my d10 was a wreck today because of mom

Why would the T tell you that and then back out?

Maybe your L knows the legal tricks to get her testimony admissible somehow.  Don't give up on it yet.  Keep working and stay tenacious.

[ForeverDad]

Or can the court appoint an evaluator or CPS agency to investigate?  Often they can gather information and make an informed recommendation as an assigned professional that can't be done directly without them.

[Matt]

Or can the court appoint an evaluator or CPS agency to investigate?  Often they can gather information and make an informed recommendation as an assigned professional that can't be done directly without them.

This is how my case worked out.  I filed a motion to have a Custody Evaluator appointed - a psychologist - who then interviewed both parents, the kids, and some other people, including the kids' counselor and my counselor.  Plus objective psych evals.  That worked out well - all the important information got into the process.

[sfbayjed]

I really don't know what to do we already had our second custody eval this year which cost 8 thousand.  It is very upsetting to me that the therapist was concerned enough to contact me and then do a 180.  The kids previous therapist was afraid of my ex suing her, I think that is the thing. Walking on eggshells.  Maybe minimization, I remember that one. Some time goes by "Oh it wasn't that bad, what she did"  Yeah, the first reaction was the correct one. She really is that bad. 

  The therapist did say she would write a report if we both sign releases. The court order says we have to sign releases so all the therapist can communicate with each other and she is refusing to sign releases not only for this but she is also refusing to sign releases so the kids therapist can talk to their old therapist and the school psychologist.  Its been really hard with my daughters PTSD, even after a phone call with her mom she gets very upset. When my ex calls to talk to the kids, she grills for information and its obvious her objective is gathering dirt on me and not on how the kids are doing.

   The kids both told her how much they like the new school and they don't want to go back and she still is trying to force them back. My daughter was scared to go to school every day. What a pathetic excuse of a parent. She tried to have the cops come on Christmas over made up stuff, that shows her lack of concern for the kids.  Also I am taking the kids to the snow this weekend, and I just got a call from my lawyer, because her lawyer said that the kids told her I am taking them out of state, complete BS.  So I guess if we are in Tahoe we cant go to the east side of the lake with out notifying a crazy woman. 

We also have daily phone contact on days we don't have the kids, and she is now calling on exchange days and the kids are all" why is she calling we just saw her" and they get upset after talking to her, so I chose to enforce this boundary. Now I'm accused of deigning phone contact.   Just one thing after another after another.  I just got settled in a new job, place, and have family here, but If the system isn't going stop her I am going to have to try to move far far away, Alaska sounds nice.  Even a mighty rock can only weather so much before if is reduced to soil and sand and blown away. And I try to be strong but I am no rock. I have ptsd as well and the source of our anguish is allowed to continue her campaign of terror. 



 

[Matt]

Just brainstorming with you a moment... .

Suppose you have your lawyer arrange a meeting - you and your lawyer with your ex and her lawyer.  The purpose is to work out all the issues so a court battle won't be needed.

At the meeting, you lay out the issues:

* Ex called the police on Christmas and you are concerned she might do that again.

* Kids are doing fine in the new school and should be left alone there.

* Ex has not signed required waivers.

* Ex told her lawyer you were taking the kids out of state, that caused problems, and you are concerned it may happen again.

Etc.

Then say, "We are prepared to take all these issues to court if we need to.  We will disclose everything that has happened, and ask the judge to hold Ms. Ex in contempt, and to make her pay my legal fees, and to issue an order suspending her contact with the kids til she has obtained a diagnosis and the recommended treatment and can convince the court that she will act right.  If we go down that path, I will disclose everything that has happened - all into the public record - and if Ms. Ex makes or repeats any false accusations I will seek to have her contact with the kids suspended and ask that she be criminally charged - I understand it's a crime in our state to make false accusations in court.

"Or... . we can settle all this here and now, and submit an agreement to the court requiring Ms. Ex to end all this behavior and to be charged with contempt if it happens again.  But no criminal charges, no legal fees, no court, and we'll keep custody as it is as long as the agreement is maintained.

"So which do you prefer?"

I did something like this - it took careful preparation but it worked.  The key was to have it all thought out very well - both options - and lay them out, and then say nothing, and let the other party choose.  (She chose to quit fighting and avoid court, as I hoped she would.)

[sfbayjed]

Thanks Matt,  I don't think that will work. All of our Ex's and soon-to-be Ex's are a little different. Mine has a sever disconnect with how she sees herself and how others see her. She would not be able to accept an agreement like that because she has convinced herself she is going to prevail and the all powerful judge will punish me for my discretions and she will really get me then . After all that is her goal in life at the moment.

I am venting on here, I am not sending her any nasty emails or text, She will not get what she wants which is to see me in distress. Maybe ill egg her car someday in the future but not now.  The kids are in therapy, They have one stable home, they will not follow her into the abyss. We will have scares but they arenot falling in. 

The therapist got my hopes up, life would be so much easier with legal custody, so much simpler, easier than having monkey wrenches thrown at your every parental decision. It was a very nice thought. Kind of a kick in the gut to see it wash away.

There are 3 different city police departments and the county police here that she has tried to use recently. And they are all pretty much on to her. Not that I can let my guard down.

If the kids are ordered back to the old school, I will take them out of school until the bullying issue is dealt with. On morning she drops them off I will go get them.  No child of mine will be forced  to go somewhere they afraid of,and have their feels invalidated and ignored. Whether I have proof or not,  that is just not going to happen.

[livednlearned]

Your ex sounds like mine.

Can you get a parenting coordinator appointed? Seems like your ex is so triggered by boundaries that she is going to get in a p!ssing match with the PC in no time. That's what happened with my ex. PC set a boundary, a very mild one, and N/BPDx went on a rampage. PC tried to work with him and he couldn't contain himself. She started communicating with his lawyer. Eventually his lawyer withdrew. In my state, PCs will testify, and she did, and that ended up in sole custody.

My ex almost salivated about getting a PC involved because he was certain that the PC would side with him (narcissism was helpful here). Maybe your ex would respond the same? The idea would need to come from her lawyer though, not you.

You need a third-party professional to put the feather on the cap of the custody arrangement you already have. It's crappy that the order won't permit the counselor's testimony without a release signed by both parents. So maybe angling a PC into the arrangement could be that third-party professional. She or he will see how hard it is for you to do what's best for the kids, for the sole reason that your ex is disordered.

In my case, the PC spent quite a bit of time describing the number of ways N/BPDx stonewalled and obstructed me from doing what was best for S12. She even noticed on her own that N/BPDx enjoyed having the power and authority to stonewall and obstruct decisions without ever offering any helpful solutions, and seemed either oblivious or uncaring about the negative impacts of this behavior on S12.

You just need a third party who can testify to watch your ex's malicious behavior.

[ForeverDad]

The court order says we have to sign releases so all the therapist can communicate with each other and she is refusing to sign releases not only for this but she is also refusing to sign releases so the kids therapist can talk to their old therapist and the school psychologist.

A common tool or tactic by pwBPD/xPD is non-compliance or ignoring an order.  That's what's happening here.

Isn't this a Contempt of Court matter?  However, when you go to court, for the hearing, (1) have the complaint list that based on mother's repeated failure to comply with the order to sign releases the judge is ordering that the various professionals for the children can communicate with each other and with the court.  If he signs it, then great.  Or back up option (2) bring ALL the papers required to be signed with you to court, ready for the judge to do a stare-down with mother, "You sign them all or I will sign them either in your place or by my authority.  And then you both come back to court and we'll review whatever reports the counselors provide."  Or maybe that last part would have to be a separate action?

[livednlearned]

The court order says we have to sign releases so all the therapist can communicate with each other and she is refusing to sign releases not only for this but she is also refusing to sign releases so the kids therapist can talk to their old therapist and the school psychologist.

A common tool or tactic by pwBPD/xPD is non-compliance or ignoring an order.  That's what's happening here.

Isn't this a Contempt of Court matter?  However, when you go to court, for the hearing, (1) have the complaint list that based on mother's repeated failure to comply with the order to sign releases the judge is ordering that the various professionals for the children can communicate with each other and with the court.  If he signs it, then great.  Or back up option (2) bring ALL the papers required to be signed with you to court, ready for the judge to do a stare-down with mother, "You sign them all or I will sign them either in your place or by my authority.  And then you both come back to court and we'll review whatever reports the counselors provide."  Or maybe that last part would have to be a separate action?

I imagine you have no desire to go back to court... . but court took N/BPDx's stonewalling very seriously in my case. N/BPDx had tried to obstruct school services for S12's ADHD. He wanted to change S12's therapist for no reason (other than he didn't like her), wouldn't agree to a new school for S12, didn't agree with any of the expert reports about S12 being ADHD. It was an enormous relief to discover that the court actually cared about the obstructions and stonewalling. And called N/BPDx on it in very clear terms.

This won't be the only case of your ex messing with your kids' well-being. If you can afford to go back to court, do it. Having decision-making authority or sole custody, whatever your court gives -- it's worth it. Your daughter is going to need a lot of care in the next several years. If she's like my son, she will get better, but then middle school happens, and that stirs up the anxiety and depression, and the peer stuff doesn't help.

[Waddams]

Yeah, if she's refusing to comply with a court order to sign the releases, and it's causing harm to the kids, then that's grounds to file for contempt and go get sole decision making authority over the kid's interests.

The court won't blink about switching schools.  They already gave you authority to do it in the current orders, and you can demonstrate it's in the kid's interest to go to school in the district where they now live!  It's pretty basic.  Sometimes, I think we are so used to being worried and walking on egg shells with our ex-'s, that we fail to recognize when we don't need worry.  We get conditioned to think in fear of what will happen next and once we move on, it reaches a point where we need to retrain ourselves not to do that.  I got to the point with my ex- that I just do what I want, and she can go pound sand if she doesn't like it.  Last time in court didn't work out too well for her, so she doesn't act up over it like she used to either.

Sfbayjed, you'll be okay, and so will the kids.  You've also got grounds to at least ask for reimbursement of your legal fees.  She's violating an order.  And at least in my orders, there is boilerplate language about always acting in the kid's best interest, etc.  I imagine yours has general language like that too and you could probably find a way to cite violations of that in the big picture of things.

[Matt]

Yes, I think going to court is a good option - certainly worth at least mapping out how that would be done and the likely outcome.

Once you have done that - dry-run the process so you know how it would be likely to work out - there is another step you might consider.

Sit with your attorney, your ex, and her attorney, and lay it all out - what you would file, what evidence you would submit (but not all the details of that), what relief you would request, and what the impact would be in your ex - and give them an option - a settlement proposal.

Make the "or else" pretty severe - all attorneys fees, plus penalties for contempt, etc.  Make it clear that you will seek the maximum impact and that you believe the court will award it.

So your ex's lawyer will be in a position to advise her client, "You should accept what they are offering."

No guarantee that your ex will do the right thing but if she does you'll save some time, expense and stress.  (This worked for me, twice.)

[livednlearned]

Sometimes, I think we are so used to being worried and walking on egg shells with our ex-'s, that we fail to recognize when we don't need worry.  We get conditioned to think in fear of what will happen next and once we move on, it reaches a point where we need to retrain ourselves not to do that. 

Waddams, that is so true. A lot of our spouses say one thing, do another. They say, "I am a good parent for these reasons." And then they prevent what's best for our kids because they feel threatened, and that triggers immature (and often harmful) behavior that hurts the kids. 

We seem to be susceptible to people who say one thing and do another, whereas most people see the discrepancy and call it out. In my case, the judge said, "This is very plainly stonewalling and obstructing the minor child from receiving services." I didn't think it was very plain! I thought, Man, no one is going to see what N/BPDx is doing, they're all going to be duped.

No, just me.