A Break Through?

[Surrender]

After 11 days of separation with my UBPD something happened. Yesterday he called me and I didn't answer... . he proceeded to call me this morning several time but because I have been sick I didn't answer, was in bed sleeping and trying to recoup.

This evening he called me back... . and what happened was something I didn't expect. He admitted that he was very sick and that he knew he was tearing us apart. He didn't know what to do and admitted to be over ruled by bad thoughts about us and being together. He said I was his rock but at the same time I was the very thing that undoes him... . that I am what holds him together yet at the same time what breaks him apart.

I confided in him for the first time that I went to a psychologist  who determined that he was BPD... . silence then he started crying saying he doesn't deny it because he knows he is really ill. I told him where I went wrong in how I deal with things when he goes off and how I'm learning through treatment but that I can't do it alone if he wants us to be together.

This is the first time in our long relationship that he has accepted what he has always known and has agreed to get help. I don't know if this is good? Or if this is just another false hope... . he is so tortured and spoke about how he doesn't trust me... . how I have lied to him and how he is still dealing with that all these months after the fact. He retains everything and is fighting with all his heart to hold onto us... . he is haunted by the things I have done to hurt him and yes I have lied to him. This is probably the worst thing I could have done but under so much interrogation I was so exhausted that I honestly thought that lying was the better avenue.

So, here we are... . he is willing to seek help for the first time and he doesn't want to lose me. I am the only thing in his life that is his balance and caliber... I am his rock as he puts it so here I am twisted in pain and trying to comprehend if we even have a chance?

He said that he is constantly judging everything I do... . constantly trying to figure out if I am unfaithful or even if I am unfaithful in my heart. His fears and terrors letting me in compel him to push me away and think the worst of me. Yet, I am his world and without me he feels nothing but the void as I do.

Where do we go from here?

I am hoping he will get help finally... . it took me being in his life to get to the point where he has finally admitted it. I want to hang on here. He told me that he was afraid of disappearing... . of being made into nothing in the world. Simply disappearing. I cried because he was crying... . telling me that it haunts him how much he is hurting me... . he knows on one level what he is doing but feels he can't help it.

So, if he gets help and I do... . is there HOPE for two people that LOVE each other like we do?

We have been close friends since 2009 and partners since 2011 ... . I see this as a breakthrough but I am not sure if it really is?

Can they truly make break throughs that help them to stop sabotaging and punitively blaming us? Can they learn to trust us even though they are feeling emotions that tell them otherwise? Can they take a leap and just let go even a little, enough to make any progress? I am asking myself these questions because I myself need to know if I need to let go?

He tells me that he feels that he is putting me through hell and it is tearing him up inside yet he can't help it. He admits he is still dealing with things that I told him many months ago... . so is this just a pipe dream?

I want to believe so badly it hurts. But I don't want to sacrifice myself on the alter of someone who won't let me love him but at the same time won't let me go.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

It is possible, but how strong are you?

There is a long, long way to go. Moments of insight are common especially in moments like this. It will come and it will go.

You can't fix him, but keep working on you, he will still have to do the hard yards if he is committed enough.

Stay his rock and more importantly your own rock, keep a level head and see what happens. It is a step forward but not necessarily a huge leap.

Attempting to face and deal with their demons rather than hide from them, can bring with it more turmoil, as their old defenses are swept away.

[Chosen]

Hi Surrender,

It's great that he sees himself as a "sick" person who needs help, but as waverider said, sometimes these moments quickly pass, and there's also the possibility it will lead to him reacting strongly to himself/ you as well.  Since he thinks sick = vulnerable, he lashes out to "protect" himself from further emotional harm.  But anyway, him realising this is better than he thinking nothing is wrong, I suppose, and it gives you a chance to lead him into such a conversation.

You can suggest that he get help, and obviously this works better during the time which he feels he needs help rather than when he's feeling invincible, but also bear in mind he may not stick with it.  It's important for him to have somebody to walk with him, but it's a long road and I would suggest you not to get your hopes too high/ solely on treatment and cure.  What is much more important is that you learn from the Lessons on the right ----> because those work even with 1 person working on them.  Then if he successfully go into treatment, then he's going to get better much faster, but even if he doesn't, things will still improve because you're also working on yourself and the relationship.

[an0ught]

Hi Surrender,

it could be a real breakthrough. Sounds like the break helped him to get grounded and from what you are telling you handled this certainly extremely emotionally taxing conversation well  . Respectful, honest and straight feedback is apprechiated even if it hurts - unfortunately pwBPD are not always open to it. Looks like you managed to validate him well first (by carefully listening to his assessment that there is a real problem and not talking it away). Validating negative emotions is not easy but is one of the most important contributions we can make in a relationship (any but especially in one with a pwBPD). Your conversation was a good example of how to use SET even if you did not set out so.

The risk is that pwBPD very much live in the now so keep the momentum going. No pressure on him but enabling healthy speedy progress towards finding a T.

The changes you make towards healthier behavior on your side are however at least as important as him changing. A T will make in the short run no difference but you avoiding invalidation, validating him, using SET and having healthy boundaries make a difference. Your boundaries matter a lot and in some sense were driving this change. While it is totally exciting what is going on on his side keep the focus on yourself as waverider said. Investments into your skills are yours whether he changes or not.

[Surrender]

Thanks Chosen, anOught and Waverider it is helping me tremendously to have all your perspectives. I'm surprised I was utilizing SET without realizing it and there has been much progress since last I wrote. He had a meeting with his family to inform them of his diagnosis and his treatment therapies. To his horror they did not support him but rather wanted to stay in denial and just make excuses for him so that they would not have to look at their own mass dysfunction.

My guy however appears to be serious about making some permanent changes and also understand that this is a life time recovery just for management and not for a cure. He comprehends things better now and can make sense of his life and the things he did in the way he lived (exiled) to try and manage some measure of stability.

He has been researching diet, omega's, supplements, sleep, routine and everything for what helps to maintain stability. He has also joined BPD groups and sporting events. He hasn't played sports for years and has barely socialized. These steps are huge but I know that the road will be rocky. As for me, yes I'm doing what you have all suggested and that is focusing on me and what I require to learn to help myself and him.

I can only pray that he will be consistent and that is not just a premature desire that goes cold and dead.

[waverider]

He had a meeting with his family to inform them of his diagnosis and his treatment therapies. To his horror they did not support him but rather wanted to stay in denial and just make excuses for him so that they would not have to look at their own mass dysfunction.

Totally get this, my partners family still think there is no so thing as mental illness, that its "all in the head" and  (doh), and just need to get her act together, even though she has been on a mental illness disability pension for the last 20 years. Same reason, it reflects back on to them, and as I believe they have issues, it is triggering their own defensive denial. No genuine empathy.

I hope he can move on and not be held back by lack of family support. This aspect is crippling my partner

[Stalwart]

Surrender:

The best thing that happened to my dBPD wife and my relationship was her coming to terms with her illness, getting a diagnosis and moving forward with therapy for many reasons. As many reasons for her as for me.

Be supportive and be there for him, express your feelings and try to keep him expressing his. You've done a great job at opening the door through validation and that's not always easy. I'm really happy for you and I really hope you have good fortune with your next travels down the path.

It hasn't all been easy but I can say that we do so much better now. Like you I was easily abused but recognized as 'the rock' she needed. Funny how much sometimes some people think a rock can take before it crumbles but hey, you seem to be intact and that's the best thing.

I don't interfer at all with my wife's therapy or how she advances with it. Of course I ask each week how it was and express the fact I'm happy that she likes her therapist and seems to enjoy going. The rest I leave up to the two of them. I'm always there to listen, congratulate and of course validate her feelings where I think she needs that.

She's just entering a part where practicing meditation has been suggested. She knows I'm experienced in that so I offered to help her in any way I can and left it at that. She hasn't availed me of that yet, I hope she does.

I'm really happy for you and although I'm hoping you don't expect too much, too quickly it sure sounds as though you're off to a great break through.

[Chosen]

That's great to hear, Surrender.  Having him wanting to help himself is most vital to successful treatment (or so I heard- my pwBPD isn't diagnosed).

Unfortunately, many people deny illnesses because they still think mental illness is a shameful thing ("only weak people get mental illness", "it's just an act", "they're just difficult, not sick".  So that's why your pwBPD will need you to encourage him to keep up with treatment, and hopefully he won't be slipping back into denial.

Good luck!