Help please: Am I employing coping strategies correctly? Why do I feel guilty?

[heartbreaksandearthquakes]

I recently discovered the man I love has BPD. We do not live together. After an intense borderline episode that occurred, I decided to read Walking on Eggshells. It has been more than helpful, but I worry about some of the strategies that I have employed in the past as well as applying the ones I have learned from the book in the future. I was bullied to the point of tears, heaving and physical trembling during the episode as well as the entire next day after I had left my boyfriend. The episode lasted for about three hours and was extreme, intensely hurtful, and seemed to manifest itself out of nowhere. I did not remove myself from the situation because I was given an ultimatum that if I left, we would be finished. About a week later, he sincerely apologized. I love him, so I forgave him. I want to be with him. Was I wrong to stay in the situation? I feel like I was. I feel like I should have removed myself from the situation. But I know that what people with BPD fear the most is abandonment. Wouldn't me leaving confirm that I was abandoning him... . in his mind?

Today, his mood changed from intensely cheerful to unkind and combative over the course of an hour. I tried to remain positive and supportive, but nothing that I tried to do could pull him out of this episode. He frequently says that he knows that I will break up with him, even up to several times a day when he has what I like to think of as a "borderline" day. He also likes to insist that "I hate him." I don't know what to do in these situations other than tell him "I don't hate you. I love you" or saying "I'm not going to break up with you. Why do you think that?" I never know what more I can do in these situations.  Am I wrong to leave his house for the night in these situations, even if I don't have plans? I feel odd repeating my love/devotion to him 10+ times as he responds with "you hate me" or "you're going to break up with me." I just feel that I've stayed before but I become miserable trying to convince him of something that apparently I am not able to convince him of. If I leave in a situation like this, after expending all of my effort, is it abandonment? Does the person with BPD view it as abandonment?

Can anyone offer some insight?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

What has helped me the most is setting a firm boundary and discussing what you will do before there is an episode. They will generally never respond well to you leaving, but what you can do is tell him that you refuse to be treated this way and that if it happens you will tell him that you are leaving for a set amount of time. Either an hour or for the night. The biggest issue with that is not being able to leave easily and fearing a physical altercation. They will feel abandoned, but your main concern is you and your safety.

The next thing I would recommend is to take a hard look at yourself and figure out how you got into a relationship like this and why you chose to stay. Realize that this is something very difficult to live with, even if they improve. My gf has improved greatly recently, but everyday is a struggle. Just dealing with normal relationship issues can be very difficult after being worn down. You will lose yourself if you are not very careful.

You are number one and you have to take care of yourself first. Remove yourself from a bad situation.

[heartbreaksandearthquakes]

Love is not enough - thank you for your response. It means a lot to know that it's not just me out here dealing with this alone. I will discuss boundaries immediately. And I will be sure to examine myself and the relationship. I am considering seeing a therapist or someone professional to talk to about the situation at hand.

If you don't mind me asking, does your girlfriend admit to having BPD? If so, is she in therapy/on medication? How would you go about bringing that up? My SO has been in therapy before but for some unknown reason discontinued it (I am afraid to ask why for fear of another blow up - when I told him I've been researching it to understand it better he told me that he thinks I am trying to "fix him" or "change him" when all I really want to do is deal more effectively). He admits to me that he is indeed BPD, has been in treatment, and admits he should probably be on medication (but the last part seems to be only admitted in a light-hearted, joking manner).

Once again, thank you.

[Love Is Not Enough]

You are very welcome. Be sure to read all of the articles on the is site, especially about boundary setting. They are very helpful. Seeing a T is a great idea. They can help direct you to a path of self recovery. Sometimes it is just nice to have someone to vent to that understands what you are going through. Most of your friends will not understand and a dysfunctional family (like mine) can make it harder on you.

Your question is what most of us struggle with here on the staying board. Do you tell them? I did for over two years and have never gotten the courage to do so. Mostly because I know that it would not do any good and would only split me more black for judging her. What did happen is that she physically attacked me after I triggered her and then she threatened to call the police and have me arrested. She had bruises on her arms from me trying to hold her back. That was the first time she had done that and it scared me to death. I left for several days (I live with her and her children) and then used the incident to set a firm boundary of no physical abuse and for her to seek treatment.

I had mentioned DBT to her before and had considered giving a book to her for self treatment. Though I backed away from that idea because as their SO you cannot treat them. The issue was that I could not find anyone locally that did DBT. I did finally find someone an hour away and she has started seeing her regularly. I did get her to see a T before all of this but she stopped because it was too painful for her to relive her past over and over every week. I sold DBT to her as not having to focus on her past, but instead to learn skills to function better in the present. She started calling it anger management. Just last week her T diagnosed her with social anxiety, depression and something she could not remember. Maybe she told her about BPD. I don't really know and I did not push it. It does not really matter if she knows about it. The main thing is that she continues to focus on the skills so that she can function day to day better. She is very self aware of how she makes others feel when she dysregulates and claims she does not want to do that anymore.

You also asked about medication. She just started taking Prozac yesterday. I am very concerned about how this will alter our relationship. I have taken this drug in the past and reacted very badly to it. I truly went insane. I do not believe she needs it and I was shocked when her T recommended an antidepressant. I am hoping it does not have the affect on her that it did on me. I did some research yesterday and found that only about 1% of people have a psychotic reaction to it. So I guess I was the exception.

Your bf sounds like he is very self aware of what is going on with him. He also makes a good point about you trying to fix him. The absolute best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself and what is best for you. I have to remind myself about that every single day. It is hard as you may have a dependent personality like myself. I have had my own transformation over the last 4 months. I have set firm boundaries and I will stick to them. If she attacks me again I am prepared to leave and never come back. She knows that and has worked hard on her end to control herself. I had to take back control of the relationship. I'm not a dictator by any stretch, but I refuse to live in fear anymore. A book my T recommended to me has helped me alot. It is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. She knows I will not tolerate her mistreating me or the girls so she does the best she can to control it. At the same time I have to be respectful of her and not intentionally trigger her. I did this when she attacked me. The thing that has made me the strongest is knowing that I have the courage to leave now. Until I got to that point I just felt stuck. I also know now that I do not need this relationship to survive, but I chose to stay to enhance my life.

He has to help himself. You cannot fix him. The best you can do is to protect yourself and control how you act in the relationship. Set boundaries and stick to them. If it means losing him then you have to find a way to be ok with that. Focus on yourself and find out what is going on with you first. It can help you immensely with every aspect of your life. Just remember to hang in there and never give up on yourself! 

[an0ught]

Hi heartbreaksandearthquakes,

it is important to think about abandonment and avoid triggering it. Absolutely!

But you know what - we can't avoid triggering the pwBPD. Living focused on avoiding the triggering is avoiding living. It is walking on egg-shells. Not a real alternative. We may choose to baby someone for a short time - that is ok - but it is not a way of life.

So worrying about it is good. Then we know when we trigger abandonment when life or our dear pwBPD forces our hand. So we can do our best to manage the fallout e.g. trying to minimize the trigger by doing a limited timeout or sufficiently validate abandonment where possible.

Navigating the tension between our very valid self interests and the needs of the pwBPD is a balancing act. Plotting the course and steering your way through it is not simple. Describing concrete situations and interactions and asking questions is a good way to get the best out of the board 

Today, his mood changed from intensely cheerful to unkind and combative over the course of an hour. I tried to remain positive and supportive, but nothing that I tried to do could pull him out of this episode. He frequently says that he knows that I will break up with him, even up to several times a day when he has what I like to think of as a "borderline" day. He also likes to insist that "I hate him." I don't know what to do in these situations other than tell him "I don't hate you. I love you" or saying "I'm not going to break up with you. Why do you think that?" I never know what more I can do in these situations.  Am I wrong to leave his house for the night in these situations, even if I don't have plans? I feel odd repeating my love/devotion to him 10+ times as he responds with "you hate me" or "you're going to break up with me." I just feel that I've stayed before but I become miserable trying to convince him of something that apparently I am not able to convince him of. If I leave in a situation like this, after expending all of my effort, is it abandonment? Does the person with BPD view it as abandonment?

Good intentions but please read up on invalidation (see the post LESSONS at the top). Being positive around a depressed pwBPD is going to invalidate the person and make matters worse. The way you communicate here really matters and you can help him a lot by modifying your approach.

[waverider]

This a good point an0ught makes. Sometimes our best attempt to support can be invalidating. eg When they are down and try to be the opposite up to cheer them. That is invalidating as to them it reads as how can you be so positive when I am trying to tell you how down I am "YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME"... . Of course you dont want to wallow in it as that just validates being down. So it is a balance between acknowledging just how down they feel, yet letting them know that it is not your view (you truth), without then trying to show them they are wrong for feeling so.

Validation is important but personally I take the the approach that not invalidating is even more important. Which fits in with the principle that less is often more.