How to let go of the hurt?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How do you let go of the hurt? I don’t know how to do this. I want to feel bad for her. Be able to say yes she is sick  and I was the unlucky person that ran into her. Sympathize or find something that makes this bearable, yet I can’t. I moved two thousand miles for an education I’ll never get. I’ve lost my job because I’m no longer in school. All the while her life never changes. She’s moved on and “happy “all the while I’m stuck in hell. My friends are gone, my family is mad at me and I don't trust my own thinking. How do you let go and move on? Any suggestions on how to cope?

[coastalfog1]

How do you let go of the hurt? I don’t know how to do this. I want to feel bad for her. Be able to say yes she is sick  and I was the unlucky person that ran into her. Sympathize or find something that makes this bearable, yet I can’t. I moved two thousand miles for an education I’ll never get. I’ve lost my job because I’m no longer in school. All the while her life never changes. She’s moved on and “happy “all the while I’m stuck in hell. My friends are gone, my family is mad at me and I don't trust my own thinking. How do you let go and move on? Any suggestions on how to cope?

[santa]

Well, it sounds like you're in a pretty tough spot.

I think the best thing to do, if you haven't already, is to go completely no contact with her. It's harder to let go of all the emotions when you're in contact with her.

You've really got to stop caring about her and your relationship too. This is something I struggle with. The bottom line is that nothing would have made any difference. These BPD people just blow up relationships whenever they feel like it. Every ex that doesn't want to get back together says they're happy. Happier than they've ever been in their entire life! Because they don't have to put up with you anymore! It just means she is being a jerk.

You can make more friends. Your family isn't going to stop loving you. The school and work thing will sort itself out with time.

You can't let this destroy you. You've got a long life ahead of you. This is a bad situation, but you were fine before you met her and you'll be fine without her now. Just give yourself some time to pick up the pieces and you'll be off and running again in no time.

[Perfidy]

I'm an experienced "coper". I'm not a drunk, addict, or otherwise debilitated. I suck at relationships. My "picker" is messed up.

Think it's you?

[Octoberfest]

I am of the opinion, because of how I handled it, that in order to "let go" of the hurt, you must let yourself feel it. Grieve, mourn, be sad. Ride through the storm , ddon't run from it. PwBPD run from their demons. It is why they will never be free of them. The only way to do that is to confront them head on.

[Murbay]

Hi Coastalfog,

I'm really sorry to hear about your predicament and really hope that things start to improve for you. It sounds like you have been through a tough time and the key to everything is time.

Your comment about wanting to feel bad for her indicates that your mind is still on her and you should work to move the focus back on to you. It's extremely difficult to do but in time things will improve as you improve within yourself.

About a year ago, I was having similar feelings to you. I had moved to her country, alienated from family and friends, had given up a decent job and just became a sitting duck. After things ended, I was so worn down that I didn't have the strength left to face anyone. We all look for answers, for justification and some kind of closure. The sad part of living with a BPD is sometimes the only closure you get comes from within.

First and foremost, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Moving abroad was my choice and giving up my job was my choice too, just as the situation you found yourself in was your choice too. Once I took responsibility, instead of looking at the negatives I chose to focus on the positives. As santa stated, perhaps the hardest thing to do, but the right thing, is to go No Contact and take back control of your life. It sounds like right now, you are focusing too much energy on her happiness and not enough on your own. Only you have the power to change that around and it might take little steps but you will get there.

The stronger you become in yourself, the more you will repair and the happier you will become. Eventually you will reach a point where you begin to overtake as she is coming down the other way. I tore myself apart over a few months as she broadcast to everyone who would listen, how happy she was. However, due to the e-mails I get from her every month, she blames me for all of her unhappiness. For most pwBPD, they will always end up crashing back to earth so instead of concentrating on how your ex is doing, look at what you can do to improve who you are.

You have something you didn't have in the relationship and that is the freedom to take whatever direction you want to take so now is the time to concentrate on you. As you do that, you will attract the right people into your life and the pieces will all fit together again.  

[arn131arn]

How do you let go of the hurt? I don’t know how to do this. I want to feel bad for her. Be able to say yes she is sick  and I was the unlucky person that ran into her. Sympathize or find something that makes this bearable, yet I can’t. I moved two thousand miles for an education I’ll never get. I’ve lost my job because I’m no longer in school. All the while her life never changes. She’s moved on and “happy “all the while I’m stuck in hell. My friends are gone, my family is mad at me and I don't trust my own thinking. How do you let go and move on? Any suggestions on how to cope?

I am beginning to think of my exBPD fiancee as that little 5 year old girl with the little boy haircut whose dad abandoned her and mother abused her and devalued men her entire life.  It makes me feel empathy for her; but I also know that this is THE SINGLE MOST DANGEROUS WOMAN I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON. Then I move on with my day

[coastalfog1]

Yes Perfidy, I do think it's me me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi coastal,

Like Octoberfest said, I think in order to let go of the hurt, you have to let yourself feel it.  I know how hard that is.    Don't worry about feeling compassion for her just yet – can you feel compassion for yourself? 

You did the best you knew how at the time, and through this very painful experience, you can learn to live a life that better fits who you are.  Things really, really do get better.  They did for me, and they will for you.

Getting through the stages of grieving is tough.  We're here for you.  Pour it out and we'll listen.

[Changingman]

How do you let go of the hurt? I don’t know how to do this. I want to feel bad for her. Be able to say yes she is sick  and I was the unlucky person that ran into her. Sympathize or find something that makes this bearable, yet I can’t. I moved two thousand miles for an education I’ll never get. I’ve lost my job because I’m no longer in school. All the while her life never changes. She’s moved on and “happy “all the while I’m stuck in hell. My friends are gone, my family is mad at me and I don't trust my own thinking. How do you let go and move on? Any suggestions on how to cope?

I totally believe in feeling the emotion, let it sing to you. It wants to be heard, don't bury it, it will wander an orphan inside you.

Breath it in.

Then let them go

[love4meNOTu]

There were days when I hurt so bad I could not breathe.

They passed.

There are moments when I still cannot breathe. I remember my loved ones who need me. I need to be here for them.

It passes.

I am beginning to have moments of joy again, and someday I know I will love again.

I feel for you, I know what you are going through, and all I can say is that you will get through this.

Lyn

[irishmarmot]

Hi, I agree with Octoberfest that I need to feel all the feelings, to grieve.  To remain in NC, to use it as a tool to distance myself from the source of this pain.  Relief will come soon enough.   My thoughts of her will gradually diminish.   Afterall this is not the first time I have ended a relationship.   As far as closure is concerned,  for me realizing she is full blown BPD is enough.   Any mental health professional will tell you the chances of success in this type of relationship is slim.  Do I really want to endure years of more abuse?  It's easier to go through the pain now and be done with it and done with her.

[Free2Bee]

I'm much in the same place you are, Coastalfog. It's hard to let go of the hurt at this point, but it's entirely possible to distract myself from it, so this is what I'm doing: spending time with friends, going to movies, going for long walks, watching TV, enjoying a good footy game, yoga/meditation, knitting, making art, journaling and working as much as possible... .

Basically, anything I can do to avoid contacting her or feeling bad about myself (or dwelling on the past). My worst  night was Friday and that's because I sat at home wrapped in a shirt she left behind, mourning her and wallowing. It's been better since then. I'm trying to balance giving myself the time and space to grieve while keeping some fun and positive activities in my life. Balance.

That said, it's SO painful. I can't go even five minutes without thinking about her and wondering how she's doing. I know it will pass, but damn, it's tough right now. My heart constricted writing that sentence. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone :-(

[State85]

How do you let go of the hurt? I don’t know how to do this. I want to feel bad for her. Be able to say yes she is sick  and I was the unlucky person that ran into her. Sympathize or find something that makes this bearable, yet I can’t. I moved two thousand miles for an education I’ll never get. I’ve lost my job because I’m no longer in school. All the while her life never changes. She’s moved on and “happy “all the while I’m stuck in hell. My friends are gone, my family is mad at me and I don't trust my own thinking. How do you let go and move on? Any suggestions on how to cope?

I doubt she is "happy". pwBPD are not usually happy, it's an act.

[Soulsisters]

I think the way to let go of the hurt is to focus on hope.

If you are at the point where you have detached from the person, the hardest step has been made.  The future however looks so uncertain, that it is scary.  Usually our x's have our self esteem so sqashed that it is hard to feel good about ourselves.  Plus they can be so manipulative during this time that it is hard to know if you have done the right thing.

My x did gruesome damage to my life when I was in the transition phase.  Once he felt I was not going home again, he literally took everything from me including my teenage sons.  The hurt and fear was so big and so intense that I didn't know if I could endure one more minute.

I took life one minute at a time and held onto hope and faith.  Hope that life would continue to the next minute and faith that the next minute would come.  I knew deep down that I did not like the person I was with my x.  I didn't like how I felt and didn't have any goals or dreams anymore.  I hoped that one day I would have a dream. I hoped that I could find the girl I lost over twenty years ago.  I had faith that I would find her again one day.

Take things slow.  One minute to the next.  Think of who you were and how you used to feel. 

You really are much stronger than you ever could imagine.  don't ever give up on hope.  have faith that you will find what you lost. 

Bless you

[gary seven]

Hi coastal,

Like Octoberfest said, I think in order to let go of the hurt, you have to let yourself feel it.  I know how hard that is.    Don't worry about feeling compassion for her just yet – can you feel compassion for yourself? 

I think I have to head down this road, too.  Time to stock up on some Kleenex.  Maybe I can tell the people at work I cooked onions for breakfast.  It's so hard to show a happy face in public when inside I am crumbling.  Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" plays over and over again in my head.

[Moonie75]

I resisted the tears for the first two weeks of my NC (1 month now). Then one night watching alone, a scene on tv triggered my tears & I cried a river! Oh man did I cry! And afterwards I could tell it had done me good. So now I let it happen when I feel it coming. I feel it's healthy to let myself feel whatever I need to feel in the moment, be it happy, angry or upset.

I let my mind do what it wants to do! It's the only one I've got & I don't want to break it!

[arn131arn]

I had to give away the hurt. I have a wonderful network of family/friends who believe me... . believe in me. I give some of it to them and they take some of it for me. I give it up to my higher power or spirit of the universe and he has been slowly taking it, i have fed the homeless twice in two weeks and brought the message of AA into jails and detoxes the past 4 weeks. Even when I didn't want to go, I showed up. This has helped me with my adequacy/self esteem, therefore, I can just let it go myself. Stay with people u love and trust, who won't enable u to see it all her fault, recognize your own character defects, talk about them, and let the hurt go with grace and class do something for others, get outside of urself. It won't be long until u start feling good about u, even if it's slow and tiresome. U will rest easier at night

[Moonie75]

Brandy, masturbation & very loud rock music is a formula I've been trying tonight! 

[PhoenixRising15]

Like Octoberfest said, I think in order to let go of the hurt, you have to let yourself feel it.  I know how hard that is.    Don't worry about feeling compassion for her just yet – can you feel compassion for yourself? 

I started going to Al-Anon in an attempt to deal with my situation better at the time.  When I began to go on and on about being compassionate to her for her tough life, he asked me about compassion for myself.  I was shocked, and he said, "If you can't feel real compassion and empathy for yourself, all you are giving her is fake compassion and empathy".

That helped give me a lot of permission to feel the stages of grief and to come to a place where I can feel much more genuine compassion and empathy.

[Happy1]

Hi coastalfog1,

I posted my latest epiphany on this board yesterday, but nobody gave me feedback so, I started looking for others I thought I might be able to give some advice and insights toward.

Like you, my situation, I'm sure was similar. I've been stuck literally for years thinking about how this all gets undone in my head. Years after even learning about BPD itself, which was another major milestone for me about 10-12 yrs ago.

My latest revelation that I believe will provide me (and hopefully you too) with the unfurling I'm looking for in my head, or another step, really deals with thinking of yourself as being objectified by your BPD. For years I read about objectification and BPD but until recently didn't quite get it. So, let me explain it a bit from my relationship and perspective.

Friends and another poster on another board helped me put this all together. Sort of akin to being able to solve that vexing algebra equation that had you stumped in high school.

What my BPD wanted was a silent and "no needs" individual. Someone who could fill the void when she needed them to (e.g. have fun with, go out to bars with, parties, evening dinners, walks in the park, shopping, etc.). Like "arm candy" or a token individual. Having the presence of another person close by meant that her always wondering and drifting mind, would not tumble into a dark place, that often happened to her if she was left alone for too long or couldn't connect with someone else for awhile. That's how deep her fear of abandonment was and I was the ballast that kept her ship righted. Really, anyone could have been that person, but in order to get me hooked into her, she had to hook into me by allowing me to reveal my inter most workings, thoughts, passions, etc. and revel in the relationship together. This for her was purely mechanical, though it came across as sincere and even passionate. Once that process had been realized, I was there for her. The other aspects that I mentioned earlier, going to parties, long walks, etc. Those were all HER fantasies. It wouldn't have mattered so much who was with her, but that SHE could be acting those out. Like a role in a play that runs in her mind. Once I began to express MY needs, the trouble started. The name calling, the rejections, the pursuit of other suitors, etc.

So, for me, what a lot of BPD is about, is some fantasy the BPD person has and to get what they want/need and to be able to get it all of the time without any push back or complaint. Not to mention rejecting any or all efforts that don't match the fantasy script in their heads. Oh, and this script. It can change at any time as they see fit too. Further confusing us.

This is objectification. You where just like that old reliable automobile she'd come to trust to take her where she wanted to go. Once you began to give her trouble or required maintenance, she traded you in so, that she could keep on going and get her needs (fantasy) met. It wasn't personal to her, because she's not able to relate to you or anyone else for that matter on any kind of REAL personal level, even though they say and can do so many amazing and wonderful things we all love to hear and feel. Like a little girl playing with her doll house, we're all just pieces designed to be moved around, coveted at times, as well as, discarded if necessary.

This is all sad, but in my case, true. Or, at least the best way I can rationalize and understand what happened to me. A very sophisticated way of being used and abused, at times intentionally, but most of the time unintentionally, I have to believe. As it all comes from whatever life circumstance(s) that caused them to be this way. Which in my BPDs case I have to again assume must have been some kind of hell or very traumatic (or ongoing traumatic) event(s).

Sure hope this helps you. Try to think about it and to not personalize it too much. It will and does happen to everyone she comes in contact with. It's all apart of not being discovered as being different initially, but also their inability to act "normal" too. For me, depersonalizing it took much of the pain and jealousy away, then I really began to feel sorry for her and everyone else she's come in contact with or has serious relationships with. Just as it was wonderful at times and very much painful later more of the time, it's that way with everyone just as it was with me, they're just in the throes of it all, is the only difference and not free as we've become to gain insight and perspective, yet.

[Lol4fun]

What my BPD wanted was a silent and "no needs" individual. Someone who could fill the void when she needed them to (e.g. have fun with, go out to bars with, parties, evening dinners, walks in the park, shopping, etc.). Like "arm candy" or a token individual. Having the presence of another person close by meant that her always wondering and drifting mind, would not tumble into a dark place, that often happened to her if she was left alone for too long or couldn't connect with someone else for awhile. That's how deep her fear of abandonment was and I was the ballast that kept her ship righted. Really, anyone could have been that person, but in order to get me hooked into her, she had to hook into me by allowing me to reveal my inter most workings, thoughts, passions, etc. and revel in the relationship together. This for her was purely mechanical, though it came across as sincere and even passionate. Once that process had been realized, I was there for her. The other aspects that I mentioned earlier, going to parties, long walks, etc. Those were all HER fantasies. It wouldn't have mattered so much who was with her, but that SHE could be acting those out. Like a role in a play that runs in her mind. Once I began to express MY needs, the trouble started. The name calling, the rejections, the pursuit of other suitors, etc.

Happy this is exactly what I needed to read/hear tonight. I took two steps back this evening and have been crying asking why me why me. How could I be so quickly replaced. The honeymoon for us only lasted maybe 2 weeks bc like you said as soon as you brought up your needs that's when the trouble started. And the part where you talk about how the want a quiet "no needs" individual. Wow that really hit home! I even remember mine saying I can't do this relationship stuff I just want it to be easy care free... . AKA I don't want you to have any needs let alone make me have to talk with you about them.

Thank you!

[Happy1]

Lol4fun glad my experience and reflection upon it could of help to you and your situation. Here's some more to read and to ponder for your situation as well.

I'm almost ashamed to to admit it, but it was nearly 25 yrs ago that I was involved with this person. My brain is one of those that NEEDs an answer. I not only wanted the proverbial license plate of the Mac truck that hit me, but the driver's licenses too. Understanding BPD objectification like I said before, was the second greatest epiphany since my discovery and subsequent learning of BPD. Like a key in a lock, it's answered so many things for me in my mind. I'm still not sure about where the pain goes or my obsession, but it does provide an answer as to why I'm NOT the one and someone else was. That alone had been a big struggle for me even with understanding and reading about BPDism for years.

Anecdotally two weeks before she became madly in love with the man she's been married to to this day, she had no idea who he was and he had no attentiveness toward him either, and the two had worked around each other for quite some time. She simply needed another source of supply and in our case, pretty quickly as things were going south in a hurry. So, when she said to me, "XXXX came up to me today and said, "YYYY you're the coolest person I've ever met. I want to marry you." again, two weeks before our actual last split. I knew right then and there I was destine to be replaced soon. And I knew the exact person she was going to replace me with. A real quiet and unassuming person as well, but one much less likely to challenge anything with her.  She'd already sowed the seeds for a change and it was only a matter of time. Later, she flaunted the move away from me toward him in my face even before we'd officially called things off. When I confronted her, she literally said, "Well, I want him to be here (two hands signaling to the left) and you to be here (two hands to the right). The two of you are so different, but I NEED both of you." It was so weird I had no idea what the heck she was talking about, but I knew one woman and two guys (again, this wasn't her first time creating this kind of drama) wasn't going to be good so, I this time I was determined to split for good and went NC from that point forward. She tried for three months straight to charm me back. She'd call me every night around midnight and when I wouldn't answer would hang up without leaving a message. I knew it was her, and god was it the hardest thing I ever had to do, to not answer that phone. Not a single time. But I did it! And though I'm guilty of checking up on her through the Internet from time to time, I can honestly say it really doesn't hurt like it did back then nor in the same way anymore. To see her supposedly wonderful life splashed all over Facebook in pictures with family and friends, etc. now simply doesn't eat at me even as it might have before just a few days ago, because I know it's all part of her false facade that she's used to convince herself and others who she is. I know that guy has probably had to have seen lots of weird hit like I did that didn't make sense (e.g. disassociating on the bed, in front of the fireplace, staring into mirrors for extended long periods of time, frantic and unexplained cleaning and/or crying out of know where, having pictures of loved ones all over the place--even her car's glove box and console, etc.) or has made him and his family members uncomfortable, scared, sad, angry, etc., as it did me then. That stuff I'm SURE of hasn't gone away. Not at least without tons of counseling. And, he's the kind of guy, like I said before, that will just eat that stuff up, rationalize it away, deny seeing it, not question anything. So, he's a perfect CATCH for her. "Supply" without confrontation.

Her other profound statement to me around the time of our final demise was, "I just want someone who can accept me for who I am." Translations: ":)on't bug me with your needs, your job is to meet MY needs." or "I only want someone who will attend solely to my needs, not someone with any needs like YOU." Wow, what would the world be like if we all could have our cake and eat it too like that?

Thinking back about the hand gestures and relating it to my new sense of understanding for objectivity and it's clarity, it makes total sense for someone to describe things that way, if you're an object to them. Again, reflect on my "playing doll house" scenario example from my previous post. You're just an object that allows them to get their needs met for as long as you can stand it or will take it. When that doesn't happen or gets too trying, they're on to the next person "love bombing" them just like they did you and enmeshing themselves in that person's life and feelings. Now, think in my case of the other individuals today: That poor quiet unassuming ass and their two poor kids and what that household must be like… I at least hope the kids have lots of friends at school or are involved in many extracurricular activities for their sake and I'll bet that guy works tons of long hours too.

Sorry for my rambling, but it's never been this easy for me to see things so clearly as right now. I'm just now beginning to realize what friends, family and counselors have been telling me for years, I'm a very lucky man to have made the effort to get away and to have stayed away. Wow!

[seeking balance]

How do you let go of the hurt? I don’t know how to do this. I want to feel bad for her. Be able to say yes she is sick  and I was the unlucky person that ran into her. Sympathize or find something that makes this bearable, yet I can’t. I moved two thousand miles for an education I’ll never get. I’ve lost my job because I’m no longer in school. All the while her life never changes. She’s moved on and “happy “all the while I’m stuck in hell. My friends are gone, my family is mad at me and I don't trust my own thinking. How do you let go and move on? Any suggestions on how to cope?

The 3 T's

Time

Tears

Therapy

Be kind to you right now - this is grief and it really does take some time to process.

Peace,

SB

[imstronghere2]

Her other profound statement to me around the time of our final demise was, "I just want someone who can accept me for who I am." Translations: ":)on't bug me with your needs, your job is to meet MY needs." or "I only want someone who will attend solely to my needs, not someone with any needs like YOU."

Now, think in my case of the other individuals today: That poor quiet unassuming ass and their two poor kids and what that household must be like… I at least hope the kids have lots of friends at school or are involved in many extracurricular activities for their sake and I'll bet that guy works tons of long hours too.

I'm a very lucky man to have made the effort to get away and to have stayed away. Wow!

Happy2, you sir have hit the proverbial "nail smack in the middle of the head".   Your two postings have described the 22 years with my exwBPD perfectly.  Had it not been for how your ex met her current husband, I would have thought you were my exwBPD's first husband!

I was the poor, quiet unassuming ass and our two kids had lots of friends and I worked 2 jobs for the 19 years we were married.  I gave up having any needs and any pursuit of a personal life to cater to ALL of her needs.  Such a tremendous waste.

And yes, you ARE a VERY lucky man Happy2 as is coastalfog1, and now as am I.

We got away with what's left of our lives.  We no longer are responsible for their lives.  

What SB said:  "Time, tears and therapy" will help get you through the pain.  Understanding that you gave everything you had and that wasn't enough because nothing will ever be enough to fill their emotional void.  It's not your responsibility to do that.  You didn't cause it and you can't cure it.

After my exwBPD came out from behind her mask, she demanded that I "accept her for who she is now and give her unconditional trust".   Those were two things that were impossible for me to do after all the lies, deceit, cheating, disrespect, manipulating abuse she put me through and her brutal rejection of our teenage daughter.

So, she up and ran off with her replacement and now we have peace.  We struggle but we have peace.

And you will too coastal.  Time, tears and therapy my friend but you'll get there.  Hang tough.

[Changingman]

What my BPD wanted was a silent and "no needs" individual. Someone who could fill the void when she needed them to (e.g. have fun with, go out to bars with, parties, evening dinners, walks in the park, shopping, etc.). Like "arm candy" or a token individual. Having the presence of another person close by meant that her always wondering and drifting mind, would not tumble into a dark place, that often happened to her if she was left alone for too long or couldn't connect with someone else for awhile. That's how deep her fear of abandonment was and I was the ballast that kept her ship righted. Really, anyone could have been that person, but in order to get me hooked into her, she had to hook into me by allowing me to reveal my inter most workings, thoughts, passions, etc. and revel in the relationship together. This for her was purely mechanical, though it came across as sincere and even passionate. Once that process had been realized, I was there for her. The other aspects that I mentioned earlier, going to parties, long walks, etc. Those were all HER fantasies. It wouldn't have mattered so much who was with her, but that SHE could be acting those out. Like a role in a play that runs in her mind. Once I began to express MY needs, the trouble started. The name calling, the rejections, the pursuit of other suitors, etc.

Happy this is exactly what I needed to read/hear tonight. I took two steps back this evening and have been crying asking why me why me. How could I be so quickly replaced. The honeymoon for us only lasted maybe 2 weeks bc like you said as soon as you brought up your needs that's when the trouble started. And the part where you talk about how the want a quiet "no needs" individual. Wow that really hit home! I even remember mine saying I can't do this relationship stuff I just want it to be easy care free... . AKA I don't want you to have any needs let alone make me have to talk with you about them.

Thank you!

Exactly, everyone should read this who is unsure about no contact.

Mechanical

Psycho killers and their BPD girlfriends, perfect match.

[Happy1]

Happy2, you sir have hit the proverbial "nail smack in the middle of the head".   Your two postings have described the 22 years with my exwBPD perfectly.  Had it not been for how your ex met her current husband, I would have thought you were my exwBPD's first husband!

I was the poor, quiet unassuming ass and our two kids had lots of friends and I worked 2 jobs for the 19 years we were married.  I gave up having any needs and any pursuit of a personal life to cater to ALL of her needs.  Such a tremendous waste.

imstronghere2,

Remember, I told you all I was obsessed with solving this problem (e.g. algebra, Rubic's cube, etc.), err riddle... .

I've hung in there forever, because it was so devastating to me. Worse, she was my first real "love" and it all hurt so so terribly bad. I was suicidal and hospitalized (self committed) at the time. It was really bad, this was the mid-1980s and BPD really wasn't on the map. I also am blessed with a great memory too for exact verbiage and details. Things she did or said never seemed to have matched up and I'd catch literally every inconsistency or hypocritical remark. I'm sure she hated me for that, like no other. At that time I sought counseling too and I can remember my GREAT counselor saying, "I think you're dealing and caring for a woman that has a sort of psychosis of sorts... . ". I had no idea what he was talking about, but I'm sure he was hovering around BPD in his DSM manual at the time. However, she wasn't his patient, I was and he did a great job of getting me back to functionality that I had nearly lost entirely. Not to be too morose but at the time I was sleeping in my closet. Why? Because it was the only place that was safe for me with all of my things around me. The only non crazy dark comfortable place I could retreat to. My mind was a mess. I literally would open my eyes, count to 2-3 and the run on thoughts about her and what went wrong would start until I went to sleep again. I lost tons of weight, cried all the time (and never listened to country music or oldies love songs on the radio ).I wore everyone out talking about her. Again it was horrible. Back then we didn't really have anti-depressants as we have today either.

So, my message to you and everyone here is: I survived, I went back to school finished three degrees, got a Ph.D. and built a life. Is it the life I ever thought I would have or my "fantasy?" No, but I'm at least not that guy. Do I still think about her? You bet, just like a soldier ruminates from time to time about the spoils of war they've witnessed. It's okay. You've been touched by BPD, but it will be okay in the end and YOU will survive!

For all of you that have survived give yourself a big pat on the back. You're extraordinary human beings. You managed both your life and someone else's, that's more than any of us are due. Some of you may have only lifted yourself and your BPD for a short term and others like imstronghere2 did it for many years. You're real heroes, champions, nonetheless. And, think of what inner strength and fortitude you have to offer someone healthy these days. You're not weak, you're all strong, just maybe feeling weak right now. It does get better and for me, I'm at a place where I can thank that person and forgive them for all the gifts they drove me to find out about myself.

Peace to everyone,

Happy2

P.S. Regarding music, I like three songs when thinking about my BPD, "Borderline" by Madonna (of course, right?), "Accidents Will Happen" by Elvis Costello, and "Up the Junction" by Squeeze. They all make me smile today.

[Lol4fun]

I might have to disagree with the "I just want to be accepted for who I am" as ideally when two people come together that is what should happen when you make a conscious choice to love the other person. I certainly don't want to be with someone who criticizes everything about me.  In a truly loving relationship you don't try to change the other person, however, in a truly loving relationship both people generally want to grow and become the best versions of themselves. I get how in a r/s with a BPD there is no growth on their part, no action from them to compromise & work to resolve conflicts in a healthy way... . and where the only people who seem to be growing & trying to become better people are us. So, yes in that sense them saying that is crazy. Yet I think we can be just as guilty in thinking we can change them and if that is what we see ourselves doing we should get out of the r/s bc we should all really be accepting those we get in r/s for who they are at that point of time. Point being in a r/s like that both sides are acting unhealthy they want us to change to bend to their needs & likewise we are wanting them to get healthy & meet our needs as well.  Yes we are the ones trying to meet there needs. But when it can't happen in a mutually balanced way neither party can accept each other for who they are.

[Happy1]

Lol4fun,

I would agree with you. We were both much younger and more immature. However, the waxing poetically about what a great perfect human being I was, then the vilification caused extremes and not just with me. The count on this woman at this particular time of male "friends" as she put it, was from 5-7 individuals. She had no girlfriends I ever witnessed her spending time with, at all. So, that statement holds (I just want to be accepted for who I am... . ) that she was most likely feeling a sense of loss of control around just about anyone, when the real fact was, SHE was controlling everyone to meet her needs. Why else would anyone have so many suitors? That's not normal or healthy. At the same time, she stated that she felt her life was like a soap opera with her being the center character and that she was going to find a way to make it stop. In reality, what happened was, she moved far far away, but not before "love bombing" her final victim, who subsequently followed her two years later, while the rest of us moved on and didn't really want to have anything much to do with her. Especially, since she moved so far away. She was gone. So, the scenario that plays out is, she's either been exclusive with him for the last 20+ years (I doubt that highly since she has sent me numerous snail mails [none of which I've ever responded to] What are the odds you'd wager against that she hasn't done that to others too? I wouldn't make that bet!) or has had other suitors. And, who knows about that or really cares at this point. Her life is her life, I'm not here to judge that. In fact, I'd be glad if she was darn happy and in a stable relationship. Good for her. Life improved. My hunch though is, the guy she's been married to wishes he could still be closer to her in many ways and is still working his ass of to achieve that. Just a hunch... .