emotional dysregulation

[arn131arn]

I have had the extreme mood swings.  I have researched emotional dysregulation and saw it defined as labile mood.

Can we discuss some examples and experiences on this issue.

I am NC; but will boviously be piecing together this puzzle for a while and I would like to better understand the inner workings of this disorder.

Thanks,

Arn

[Moonie75]

I'm emotionally dysregulated at the moment! Angry, grieving, upset, let down (by her & worse, by myself). I'm ok one minute & i a heap the next. I couldn't be much more off kilter.

This must be what every day of her life feels like & I wouldn't wish it on Satan's most viscous dog!

Emotional Dysregulation = unstable emotions = ME these last few weeks, but not forever!

[arn131arn]

Thanks, moonie. I am a math/science guy. I am retarded when it comes to all the psychobabble, philosophical bs. Can u give me some examples of how this related to ur BPD relationship so a dumb guy like me can paint a picture in his own? Thanks, arn

[Moonie75]

Yes mate. Emotionally my ex would feel any given emotion to an extreme. Where you & I might think something or someone 'ok' (thinking in the middle ground), she would love or hate! No middle ground see?

Something slightly annoying would be an absolute violation or disaster.

People were all good or all bad! Situations were all good or all bad.

MY BPDex's emotions were unstable in the sense that she couldn't regulate or control them. Not when it came to me, close family, or close friends... . basically anyone who was close enough to become a trigger!

If somebody didn't quite manage to fully fit the expectations she had of them, they were deemed to have let her down, she could no longer trust them etc etc... .

I could go on & on mate.

Moonie.

[goldylamont]

arn i found this book very helpful to understand the torrents of emotions i was undergoing. what i loved about it was that it doesn't label any of our emotions as 'bad', rather shows us how they are useful to us and there for a reason. for example, you are probably experiencing deep bouts of anger, hate and rage--this is not 'wrong' or 'bad' to feel this way; rather it is indicative that your personal boundaries have been crossed (or rather, chopped to pieces), and your anger/rage is working to restore your boundaries and sense of self. i can't think of a better book to help understand *why* i feel the things i do. you can view samples of the book online, check out the chapter on anger:

www.amazon.com/The-Language-Emotions-Feelings-Trying/dp/1591797691

[fromheeltoheal]

To me there's the emotional mind, where our feelings live, and there's the logical mind, where our thoughts live.  The place in the middle, sometimes called the wise mind, is the upper, executive function of the mind that considers both the emotional and logical minds and seeks to balance and integrate them, compromising as necessary.

In english, we feel our feelings and think our thoughts at the same time, with neither in control, although one could be dominant at different times.

Emotional dysregulation, otherwise known as "losing it", is when the emotional mind takes control, thoughts don't matter, we're flying off the handle in anger, dissolving into a puddle by grief, petrified by fear.  We've all been there.

A borderline, and certainly my ex, feels all emotions strongly, so the emotional side 'wins' a lot, meaning her emotions are driving her, to the point she will adjust the facts; the emotional mind is so strong it barges into the logical mind and moves things around.  That resulted in rages over nothing apparent, sad one minute happy the next, no emotional consistency, and modifying the facts to fit the emotions as needed.

Anyway, we all lose it once in a while; put two humans together and emotions are going to flare eventually.  The key for me is after folks have a little blowout and emotions have cooled, the ability to sit down and talk about it like two adults and work towards some resolution for the benefit of the relationship is critical.  Never happened in my relationship, she would never take responsibility for anything and everything was my fault, standard borderline bullsht.  But at least I knew what was missing, and eventually saw I was never going to get to that level with her.  See ya, gotta go.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Moon. Thanks, Goldy.

Goldy, I don't even think I'm angry anymore. I mentioned in anoher post that over 14 years I had to grieve her splitting or leaving over 40 to 50 times. She has almost done me a favor this final time. Does this make sense? I have been on the verge before until sucked back in. I have mourned and grieved, cried, dark dark thoughts, but know in my heart I will be better without her. I feel like the past 14 years has been an emotional bootcamp preparing me for this final war... . this final chapter. It's not so much sadness and anger. It's really not. It's empathy. I am seeing her for what she is. A 5 year old little girl with that little boy haircut whose dad abandoned her and mom abused her and devalued men her entire life. I know she is an emotional wreck right now.IS NOW, where my want to save, want to fix, want to help comes in and I can/will get weak. Does any of this make sense?I detach understand her true nature, my heart explodes and feel the need to reach out and Offer a han

D

[Moonie75]

Arn,

With regard to reaching out to help her... . I used to have a basset hound named Elvis. The gentlest most loyal & best friend I ever had. I miss him every day!

He got glass in his paw once & was obviously in terrible pain. He was limping, yelping in agony & bleeding. Yet every time I took his paw to try to remove the glass & help, he would snarl & show his teeth in a menacing way. If I touched the glass in his paw he snapped at me trying to take a piece out of my arm!

I'm pretty sure Elvis didn't have canine BPD! But the results of reaching out to a pwBPD are VERY similar!

You get bitten! And worse than a flesh wound from an injured dog, you get bitten emotionally & it takes a lot longer to recover than a few stitches mate.

Don't go there! Injured animals have very sharp teeth!

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks, Moon. Thanks, Goldy.

Goldy, I don't even think I'm angry anymore. I mentioned in anoher post that over 14 years I had to grieve her splitting or leaving over 40 to 50 times. She has almost done me a favor this final time. Does this make sense? I have been on the verge before until sucked back in. I have mourned and grieved, cried, dark dark thoughts, but know in my heart I will be better without her. I feel like the past 14 years has been an emotional bootcamp preparing me for this final war... . this final chapter. It's not so much sadness and anger. It's really not. It's empathy. I am seeing her for what she is. A 5 year old little girl with that little boy haircut whose dad abandoned her and mom abused her and devalued men her entire life. I know she is an emotional wreck right now.IS NOW, where my want to save, want to fix, want to help comes in and I can/will get weak. Does any of this make sense?I detach understand her true nature, my heart explodes and feel the need to reach out and Offer a han

D

Yes arn, it all makes sense.  Our feelings are mixed and strong towards our exes; we would have left a long time ago if it was all bad.  You guys were in a relationship for a long time, a very well defined dynamic, and you probably went into help-and-fix mode a lot, something to look at strongly as you detach.  But tell me, did it ever work?  Could you ever make her better?  I never could, and when we become part of the problem instead of a possible solution, we are even less effective.  Radical acceptance: it is what it is, you can't fix it, and it's up to you to decide how much you want to make it matter.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Goldy. U r rght and I know u are. There isn't anything I can do. Thanks for the revealing reminder of  insight.

Moonie, I love the symbolism with ur dog, Elvis. Cue Elvis Pressley impersonation. "thank you. Thank you very much!"

[santa]

It's going to take some time, Arn. I'm not going to lie. There's no overnight fix. Two things that have really helped me recently are no contact (which you're already doing) and what really made a difference for me is that you've got to stop splitting your BPD ex. If your ex is anything like mine, there were a million times during the relationship when you thought, "I've got to get away from this woman." She was absolutely awful at times. Displayed very disturbing behavior. You would never have been interested in her if you'd only seen that side of her. The other side of her is lovely and you have fondness for it. It's the SAME girl though. You've got to look at her as both.

I know within the context of the relationship, you had to do a lot of splitting. It was the only way to love her. You had to separate the bad from the good. Now that you're out, you don't have to do it though. See her for what she is.

[Pearl55]

Arn

If you are a math guy, this is a very logical disorder. Splitting reflex ( love and hate) is nothing to do with you or anybody else! Therefore when she was very good wasn't about you and when she very bad wasn't about you neither! It was nothing about you in your relationship!

[santa]

Dr Phil? Oh, no, it's Santa again. Really, Santa I'm paying a guy 100/hr and I will probably get the same advice from him. So what ur saying is NO MORE thinking of her in black/white... . just as a whole? How can I do that? Please help more, Dr Santa! Lol

LOL

Well, what I've been doing is more or less thinking of a specific point in time (the end of the relationship). Now, going backwards, look at a total summary of what went on. How does it make you feel? Do you think it was a good decision for you to be with her? Probably not.

So, whether she broke up with you or you broke up with her or what circumstances surrounded that time, it really doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you shouldn't have been involved with her. Now, you're not. Your problem has been remedied. Moving forward, don't get caught up in the same trap again.