How was your ex a blessing in disguise?

[PhoenixRising15]

My ex may have been the greatest blessing I have ever received.  This is a bold statement, and I don't entirely believe it yet, hence I put maybe.  But I am far enough along that I can at least see this as a possibility.

I may have lost or alienated those of you who are still reeling in the pain, but I beg you to just keep reading a little further.  I can't say I'm over Daisy (name changed, but I still want to use a name because I believe that to not name a thing out of fear gives it power over you).  Far from it.  Just Friday, I found myself crying by myself after work, questioning if she ever loved me.  There are countless moments when I find myself angered at thinking how I believed yet another lie or half truth.

Though, there was a big shift that happened a few weeks ago. 

I've had my fair share of women in my life.  There was only one other relationship that had this profound of an effect on me, and that was with the first person to whom I ever disclosed the childhood sexual abuse I suffered.

So, I'm sitting there, in my therapist's office the other day.  Ive been in individual therapy for five years working out my abuse and its waves in my life. And she has asked me this question before, but I came to it myself that day.  I walked in, and I said, "This is not about Daisy at all.  I'm tired of mourning over her.  I've exhausted myself thinking about her.  I have to figure out how this is about me".

The truth is, I never had the mother figure I needed in childhood.  My needs were more about mirroring my own mother's expectations.  I was narcicistically deprived and underdeveloped tremendously.  I have been conscious of this fact for a long time, and I always said I wasn't angry.  The truth is I'm ashamed to be angry at my mother's terrible emotional neglect.  I'm ashamed to be angry at Daisy for things SHE did to ME.  I had never in five years, gotten to that place.  And I don't think I could have without Daisy's help.  For that bullet to the head, I am tremendously grateful.

Although I haven't completely worked this through, there is a book that has helped called ":)rama of the Gifted Child" -- you can find it online if you search.  WARNING:  I am constantly triggered as I read this book and think of my Daisy.  Every time I do, I stop, put it down, and think "this is not about her.  This is about me getting healthier."  And I won't read any further until I've stopped trying to "figure her out" and I apply it to myself.

When I catch myself looking back and saying "woe is me" I now try to stop and say, "how is this about me?" (ie stop projectively identifying, projecting, or any other defense mechanism and just let me be me)  This is very often really, really hard.  The terrible childhood that I projected onto Daisy, she may or may not have experienced.  She only ever really let me in on very little, and it sounded very sad and traumatic to me.  What I do know is that when I looked at her I saw my own inner child, and I desperately desperately tried to care for me in her.

The other big blessing that she gave me was the littler kernels of truth in her venomous anger.  There was no truth in her words, in my opinion, when she got to those places.  BUT, she knew it would hit on some of my emotional cylinders as she tried to elicit a reaction from me.  In order to work on these things, I had to admit to myself some ugly truths that I didn't want to look at.

I was/am:

-Jealous/Overprotective - I feel that by loving another tremendously, I can prevent them from leaving me/cheating on me/hurting me.  As she stated in no uncertain terms, "If I want to cheat on you all I need is 15 minutes and it doesn't matter what I'm wearing or where I am".  I had to come to terms with this, and accept that her decisions are her decisions (even when she tells me they are my fault).  This is very hard for me to do especially with my history as I tend to make everything my fault.  Awareness is the first step in change, and I am now aware of this irrational belief and insecurity.

-Fearful of my Future - I am transitioning from one field into another, and I am still insecure about my future in this industry.  It scares me, but instead of letting her words paralyze me into believing I will "never be someone her parents would be proud of", I have taken steps to become everything I told her I would be.  And it's working, baby step by baby step.

-Ashamed of my Living Situation - I was living in a place that I wasn't proud of because it was cheap and easy.  She hit on this repeatedly calling it a "hole".  Well, she was right.  It wasn't what I deserved, so I moved.  That in itself was terribly hard, because I had been telling myself I couldn't for so many reasons until I finally found a reason to move.

Naively Sexist - I consciously tell people I want an independent woman who can take care of herself.  I in fact have broken up with several beautiful, wonderful women because they could not.  Yet, I unconsciously sought out women who were absolutely dependent for my own narcissistic cathexis and because I had been raised to believe that women were naive, virgin, damsels in distress. To you women out there, I'm on to your game now.    But seriously, having to come to terms with the fact that even if women put out the damsel in distress card, they are capable of handling their own lives, is difficult for me.  It brings out all my superman energy.

So there you have it.  Without her, I don't think I would have ever really got to a place where I could say I was angry about my mother's neglect, or that I am ashamed to admit that I'm angry about it, or that what happened to me was terrible.  Instead, I'd be walking around unconsciously trying to resolve this issue, constantly seeking out my own mother figure source.  I'd be unhappy with my living situation, ashamed, and constantly trying to be superman.

Only with consciousness of my behaviors can I change.

How has your ex been a blessing?

[arn131arn]

No idea right now; but I am not scared to find out.

[santa]

She was the first girl I stayed faithful to. Well, I did cheat on her early in our relationship, but for the last 3 years of it, I was legit.

Showed me that I can stay committed to one person and that it's actually a pretty good lifestyle.

Mainly I did it because I was terrified of what she'd do to me if I screwed up. Either way, it was healthy for me. I think being monogamous is a very good thing now... . even though that relationship totally blew up in my face.  Overall, I think it's a great way to behave and I plan to do it that way again in the future.

[myself]

She reminded me that anything is possible.

[Ironmanrises]

Perhaps if I pass through the anger phase that I currently reside in, I can then properly answer this question. Hang in there Question. Good to see you again on here. You are healing. 

[thisyoungdad]

I have recently been able to see a little more of how having her in my life then, and now since we parent together has been a blessing in disguise despite the horrendous pain and suffering I was put through.

One of the biggest I have to say looking back was the ways her leaving me forced me to grow up more and really grow. I went from being in the military all of my 20's to being married and a stay at home dad. So when she left me when I was 29 and she was substantially older, I had not worked a civilian job or really been in that world much at all in almost 10 years. It was a harsh way to reenter the world so to speak but it was what happened and I think made me a stronger man in the end, although at the cost of the worst low point of my life. I really was able to grow and realize that I ended up with her because of my own need to be the knight in shining armor and that just doesn't end well ever especially since for me that really led to severe codependency. There are a lot of ways that I can see that positive things have come from it. I wish it didn't happen of course but since it did I have tried to switch gears to see something positive at least. It sure isn't easy even now though.

[MrFox]

When I'm feeling good and centered, I refer to my exBPDgf as "My Dark Angel".  I have a few more names for her but I think they violate the rules of the board

She has been kind of a road map to uncovering the dysfunctional stuff within my own life.  If not for her I would not have learned of my co-dependency issues.  I would still have that mystified view of my mother, covering up how sick she really is and how she has enmeshed with me and me with her.  As much as this all hurts and as much as there are times when I hope my ex is miserable, truthfully my life will better for all of this.  Her's?  Probably not so much, but I''m finally accepting that it's not my fault, that I can't fix anyone else, and she is not my responsibility.

[Learning_curve74]

Thank you, QuestioningFaith, for this topic. What you wrote was very moving and inspiring to me.  

I learned a lot about myself in the aftermath of breaking it off with my pwBPD. I realized that I was emotionally deprived of a nurturing father growing up and even through adulthood. I've never been good enough for my father, I've always been a nothing, a failure, a worthless thing to him. He only ever criticized and denigrated me, he's never once praised me, hugged me, or even told me that he loved me. It was only after my BPD relationship was over and during my search for myself that I realized this, that it was also my father's issues and no fault of mine. Intellectually I've come to the conclusion that I'm worthy and lovable without needing to prove it. A big part of what kept me in the BPD relationship was the need to prove to myself that I was worthy and lovable -- if only I did everything right, I would prove it because she loved me. I am working on loving myself both with my head and my heart.

If it wasn't for my pwBPD, I wouldn't have made these important insights into myself. I've experienced so much self-discovery and growth because of the experience.

A strange thing is that after a few months of NC, we are both involved in each other's lives again. I'm trying to avoid being enmeshed and emotionally dependent on her. I see my own worth, and ironically it's also helped me see her as worthy and lovable as well, which is something I believe she doesn't see in herself. I love her the best I can, and she loves me the best she can. Whether that results in a sustainable relationship is something neither of us know for sure. It is perhaps doubtful but unknown, but that is true of many things in life.

[partyhat]

  Questioning faith I so get what you are saying and feel the same way about my ex as I wouldn't have gotten to the place I am now without her and I having a relationship. Let me explain, this last couple of months for me and the consequent break up due to her promiscuity has triggered for me a severe PTSD episode that has caused me immense suffering and mental anguish. Basically for my whole adult life I have been undiagnosed with PTSD but have been diagnosed with severe depression and managed my depression relatively well. I suppose a couple of weeks ago I had a lightbulb moment and started to explore ptsd and started to talk to some friends and family and was suggested to me that I might have PTSD. I unfortunately do fit the criteria and now am seeking help for it. So like you Questioning faith I am grateful to my ex because without her I wouldn't be where I am now and have a better understanding of what I suffer from. And on top of all this I still have to deal with betrayal,deception ,lies and losing my partner to a rotten illness called BPD.

[partyhat]

    I must say this is one of the most inspiring posts I have read on this forum and thanks all for having input. A real inspiration.

[RecycledNoMore]

I let go of him...

I found me.

[babyducks]

  What I do know is that when I looked at her I saw my own inner child, and I desperately desperately tried to care for me in her.

The other big blessing that she gave me was the littler kernels of truth in her venomous anger. 

QuestioningFaith

Ahh I loved your post, thank you.  That was some brilliant stuff.   

I like that you call your EX Daisy.   That's kind.   I understand the crucial need for anonymity but never like to resort to initials.  My EX is a human being worthy of respect.

For me I have come to understand how my side of the street was all about not being good enough.  I couldn't self validate.  So what learning curve said is particularly poignant.

Intellectually I've come to the conclusion that I'm worthy and lovable without needing to prove it. A big part of what kept me in the BPD relationship was the need to prove to myself that I was worthy and lovable -- if only I did everything right, I would prove it because she loved me. I am working on loving myself both with my head and my heart.

My partner didn't rage, she got deadly quiet and with scalpel like accuracy, would let rip one liners that would cut me to the core.   The two that she landed the hardest was that I am hyper sensitive to criticism, and that I have enmeshment issues.     They landed the hardest because they are true.

I have to go to work now.   Geez real life intruding but I wanted to start a post so I could follow this thread.

thanks again QF.

'ducks

[Blessed0329]

It has taken me a very long time apart from my ex to be able to consider this question, but I did so a few months ago. Here are some of the things I learned:

1. It was the first time in my life that I was in love with someone who was also in love with me at the same time. I've been in love, and I have been the object of "in love with" by others, but this was the first time it was mutual. And that includes my marriage of 35 years.

2, He was my best friend at a time when I desperately needed one, after I had lost both parents, two elderly pets, and my only sibling moved 18 hours away.

3. I thought I had worked through my hurt and anger towards my now-deceased parents years ago. I now know I had not.

4. I learned through my ex that my actions and my words can affect others profoundly. I think I needed to witness his extreme reactions for this to really hit home with me, and I am more aware of choosing my words carefully with everyone so as to not hurt others inadvertently.

There are other lessons, but these were tue biggest for me. For a long time I wished I had never met him, but but now I am grateful he was a part of my life. And I am so, so glad I managed to hold him at bay physically, and not give in to the tremendous temptation to turn our emotional affair into a physical one. That was the biggest temptation I had ever faced and not caved in to.

[babyducks]

duplicate post.

[alliance]

I believe every relationship teaches us things about ourselves i.e. what we like/don't like, what works for us/what doesn't, the kind of person we mesh with/don't mesh with.

I cant say this relationship taught me anything new and different about myself. It did reinforce that there are types of people I just do not mesh well with, who bring out the extremes in both my good and not so good qualities.

I don't consider any aspect of the relationship as a blessing as much as a reminder to always be true to myself, to listen to my gut, to heed the red flags, and to believe in me.

And it makes me antsy to romanticize our relationship in hindsight. This was not a normal relationship nor was it a normal breakup. It was a relationship with a disordered person with self serving, self focused, and skewed assessments of who we were/are.

[laelle]

I learned to value myself.  I am not responsible for other people's emotions, and I am not responsible for other peoples actions...

I own my own mistakes and can smell bullhit before it ever makes landfall. 

I would never have learned that I even had a right to have boundaries if it were not for him.  He led me here.

[shellsh0cked]

She taught me a lot of things.  One is that you should never EVER let anyone else tell you who you are.  I always had a solid grip on that, and she made me doubt myself, and make me start to believe that I was this horrible person that she kept pounding out to me that I was.  I know who I am, and I don't need M telling me that... . who I am or what I am thinking.  I've got my own brain.  

She taught me that stress can cause physical problems.  Real ones…and that these crazy b@stards aren’t worth dying over.

She taught me what is TRULY important in life and that there is more to a person than appearance (external and internal)…the difference between what you THINK you WANT, and what you NEED!

Her leaving me finally was such a blessing because I wouldn’t have this new wonderful lady in my life that makes all this crap seem like a nightmare.

Made me much more mentally resilient.  If I can survive this?  I can survive anything!  

[shellsh0cked]

dupe

[State85]

Dealing with her made me stand up for myself... . not let someone else control me.

[lost not dead]

The pain of the devaluation made me try extremely hard to be perfect. I am a bit obsessive about doing things so it spills over into every aspect of my life. She tore down my career so I started a new one and exceeded her earnings the short time she was ok with me working. She said I was fat and unattactive to her so I started working out more and when random women would flirt with me she became angry so I got in shape. She claimed I was a horrible father so I made what time I didn't spend on her all about the kids. Now all their friends say I wish my Dad was just like you (and so do their mothers). She claimed I was bad in bed. Well I have definately proven that wrong. I read and asked questions and read and  built on what I already knew now she is mad because she says nooneelse can get ther there and I won't sleep with her. My friends and families wives always give their husbands grief about being more like me so thank you, you crazy cross wired disordered promiscuess snake in the grass. You have possibly destroyed and helped build some lucky womans perfect man

Dang I sound like an NPD.

[shellsh0cked]

My friends and families wives always give their husbands grief about being more like me so thank you, you crazy cross wired disordered promiscuess snake in the grass. You have possibly destroyed and helped build some lucky womans perfect man

Dang I sound like an NPD.

Dude... . that is HILARIOUS!  I love it!

[PhoenixRising15]

Wow,

Thank you all for your support.  It was really, really nice again to read all of your posts.  None of my friends get it.  None of my family gets it.  But every time I read this board, or post something, I can tell you all get it.

I resonated with so many of your posts, so strongly.  Gosh, its just nice to not feel so alone.

Sometimes I feel like crying just because NO ONE GETS IT, even just now on my walk home.

Surprise!  I can always come back to my family here.

@IMF good to see you too.  Really good to read your posts.  Glad you are getting angry.  You seem different.  In my judgment, you are healing too.  I hope you can feel it.

@LearningCurve So glad to have a positive impact on you.  It's hard because most of my life I have thought that all I did was hurt everyone else.  I once told this to the best GF I ever had, and she even wrote a sticky note on my desk to remind me, "You have a great and POSITIVE impact on others".  I still cry when I read that so it is really nice to hear your affirmation.

I know there were others who said similar things, LearningCurve just put it into words that really hit home, but thank you to the others to.

@BabyDucks She will always be my Daisy.  I wish I could hate her, knowing what I know she did and suspecting all the other things.  Actually, no I don't.  That's not me.  I think being a little angrier would help, but unfortunately(or perhaps fortunately), being raped repeatedly as a child caused me to projectively identify with basically everyone.  Knowing only the little facts she revealed about her traumatic childhood, how could I hate her?  How could anyone hate someone who had trauma as a child?  I wouldn't make the same choices as her, and I won't let her hurt me any more, but I just understand so very much about the profound impact that a traumatic childhood can have on a person.

Again, thank you all for sharing.

[findingmyselfagain]

It was a difficult relationship and the ending was especially traumatic, but because of her... . I've started living life to the full. Without that wake-up call I could imagine myself living in some kind of FOG for years and years and relationship after relationship. Peace and comfort is what I look for now. No more rescuing. No more unnecessary drama. I hope she finds peace someday, but I'm not holding my breath or looking back.

[partyhat]

 you all make me want sob uncontrollably,coming from a male that is supposed to be in control of his emotions bloody hell. I am so glad I found this site as I was in a very dark place and considering doing myself in. Thank you each and everyone of you this post has been very inspiring and even caused me to break NC. Sending my exBPDgf an email letting her go in my heart and thanking her for the gift she has given me to know myself. I don't think I will hear from her again and that's fine by me, she gave me extreme suffering and I turned it into a growing experience,akin to tantric Buddhism. I never understood what tantra was about but have an inkling of what it is about now. Every experience we endure is a force to grow. I think the letter I sent her will cause her to flee due to the fact that I am doing a reverse love bombing thing and walking away with closure in my own mind, I know she wont get it but I do I did it for me.

[goldylamont]

i now know that i can really enjoy living with my partner, which i was unsure about before because i never had. plus i kept the apartment and it's perfect for me (although i think it pissed her off that i was able to stay  ). she liked dogs and now i do also. plus i started cooking and doing more homely type things while we lived together--not really sure this had to do with her than with just maturing though.

[Clearmind]

Nice one QF!

For me once I stopped concentrating on what he did to me i.e. "stay in victim mode" I also found out so much more about me.

I chose him for a very good reason - and that was to learn what I didn't want in a life partner. Life is so much sweeter now. I finally found happiness thanks to my ex.

I let go of him...

I found me.

[Cimbaruns]

Findingmyselfa  and Clearmind

Yes how true

Looking back I see that it would have been a life sentence of uncertainty and the inability to find out who " I " really was!

I discovered some very very important things about myself and because of that I can grow to be the individual that I can be ... .

" I was living life in the lifeboat... . always throwing the line out and pulling her in... . when in reality I should have jumped out and let the boat go... . and swum to the shore that I could always see in the distance"

I'm there now and the life I build will be better without her... .

One of realization and self improvement... .

Good luck to all here... . you're all AWESOME

All of you have helped me a great deal!

Peace

[DontPanic]

I like what "lost not dead" said,  my ex made me better at a whole range of things, including seeing other peoples crazy for what it is. when shr was at her worst, I think I did the woe is me thing, the healing for me started when I changed my attitude and became a survivor and not a victim.

For me that led to a better life for me and my children. including me getting custody and getting back into my career with a vengeance. I'd still like to get the body thing right,  to complete the whole body, mind and spirit thing, but as they say, two out of three aint bad.

Cheers

[Changingman]

Gifts

Realising the mother of my kids has it and I can carry on protecting them from her kind yet loveless RS with them. And my mother has it, now I can protect myself better. I've realised what an amazing Dad I've been and am, was very guilty about splitting with the mum for years. They are very healthy because of me, but is ongoing. She still Provides a perfect abandonment/attachment RS with them. But they know I love them.

And yes the anger, I'm able to express it properly for the first time.

I'm very fit now, caring for myself.

Discovered I'm ADD/ADHD very high functioning, but has made some issues clear cdq

I can see back at my history clearly and spot toxicity in myself and others

Still having the last of the pull, but it feels like a last stage coming.

It all feels very karmic, spiritual, like it had to happen.

Price is high though, nearly had a mental, physical, emotional breakdown.

Oh!

I did

Strong, resilient and creative

Yay to me!

[peacebaby]

Blessing: something that helps you or brings happiness.


My ex, Carmel, is a very special person who has something very wrong with her brain.

Her best self taught me wonderful things and brought me all kinds of happiness.

The part of her that was badly damaged taught me a lot too. Like that I had to start living for myself and not others, how I don't know how to talk about my feelings and I really need to learn, that I'm not some super strong perfect person by any means, how important boundaries are, and that I am more important to me than the feeling of being in love.

Stuff like that.