I think she may be low-functioning

[arn131arn]

Something has been bothering me.

My ex moved out in late August.  She has been staying with her sister 20 minutes away.  I know this has put a stress on her sister and her sister's husband's relationship.  I know they want her and my son out of there.  I am almost complete with final plans with her dad for joint custody.

She has had a nice job since graduating school where she could afford to live in an apartment of her own.  She has NEVER lived on her own.  In 37 years it's been with her dad, her exbf 18 years ago, and me.

I know millionaire grandpa doesn't want her, my son(8), and the two dogs moving into one of his places, and she is telling everyone that she has no money.  She has been living with me bill free and has been living with her sister bill free for over 4 months now.  Is it the fear of being alone? Where is her money going?  And I think she may be allot lowering functioning then I led on. She doesnt cut; but pulls hair out of her head and scratched until her skin bleeds.


Any thoughts?

Arn

[santa]

Well, because she has BPD, it's not unlikely that she is actually broke. Their impulsive spending habits keep them constantly burning through money... . especially if they need an excuse to make themselves "feel better". She's probably shopping quite a bit.

It's also somewhat likely that she doesn't trust herself enough to live alone. Living on your own is a big responsibility for a BPD. When your life is constant chaos, it's hard to take care of things. Also, if she drinks and can get out of control sometimes, she's got to have a caretaker or she'll get herself into serious trouble (legal and otherwise).

And I'm sure having someone constantly there to babysit your son affords her more freedom than if she had to take care of him by herself all the time.

She's probably also scared of being alone. Any attention for her is better than no attention. Even if her sister and her husband don't want her there, at least they're providing her a source of attention.

[fromheeltoheal]

If she graduated and is keeping a nice job she's reasonably well functioning. But why use her money when she can mooch off other people? Some people are just parasitic like that.

[Waifed]

My ex actually had good impulse control (she just chose to be a slut, I guess) and was a money miser. She is better at managing her money than I am. She wasn't a cutter but bruises all the time and fingernails and big toe nails ripped back deep a lot. She is educated and employed as an accountant. High functioning yet on the cusp of losing it all at any time. I truly believe her stress is going to overtake her some day and she will implode. I hope I hear about it when it happens.

[myself]

If you're functioning better than when you were with her, that's what matters.

[arn131arn]

If you're functioning better than when you were with her, that's what matters.

Myself, your avatar name says it all... . wow, the insight I am getting after a month out is amazing.  It all is just coming together.

I posted earlier, that she is skin and bones... . was 105 lbs people say she looks like she dropped 10 lbs.  She is a nervous wreck and jittery.  Is broke, and has breakouts all over her face.

I guess I am concerned for her... . This is a very dangerous place for me to be.  But I feel like I am no longer angry with her.  It's almost like after 40+ splits over 14 years she has hardened me to grieve in freak fast ways.  It's a very weird sensation.   I canot describe it... . but I do feel my "fix it" traits coming on... . sory, just being honest here.

Arn

[myself]

I understand, and your honesty is inspiring. I still care about my ex. I don't want her to make decisions that make her life worse. Each time we recycled she had lost weight, was drinking more, had changed her appearance, she had health problems, the list could go on. That was when she had me to come back to. Now that she doesn't, I'm worried for her. I have to let it go though. It's her life. She pushed and pulled herself out of mine. She'll look for something to be her safety net because she can't do it for herself. She's a strong woman in many ways, but that's just a costume she puts on in public. She invented the evil villains she thinks she is defeating. When she could be using her powers to fix her functioning. We can't do it for them.

[State85]

Don't do it Arn... .

[Moonie75]

No, DON'T!

[seeking balance]

Low functioning and High Functioning are a bit of a confusion for folks because neither lessons the degree to which BPD is well... . BPD - a serious mental illness.

The traits/criteria are the same for both, they only present themselves differently - but be very clear - they are the same.

  Is it the fear of being alone?

Perhaps - this is very real for pwBPD.  This is why the maladaptive coping of jumping into any new relationship is such an acceptable practice for them even though it hurts us... . it is survival.

Where is her money going? 

who knows, honestly.  Money is yet another item that is used to self-soothe; some spend what they don't have and on the flipside, some actually hoard it.  For all you know, she could be hoarding it as a way to feel secure.

And I think she may be allot lowering functioning then I led on. She doesnt cut; but pulls hair out of her head and scratched until her skin bleeds.

Cutting is NOT a criteria... . it is general self-harm.  Sounds like there is some self-harm going on.

High Functioning is a myth - just better societal coping is all... . ultimately, they meet the same criteria.  BPD is mental illness and mental illness is just that - mental illness.

Take good care of you and your son arn - this is the only thing you can control; not her or her illness.

[Waifed]

SB

Do High Functioning BPD slip into Low Functioning BPD very often or do they usually remain HF throughout their lives?

[seeking balance]

SB

Do High Functioning BPD slip into Low Functioning BPD very often or do they usually remain HF throughout their lives?

Honestly, I don't know clinically.

What I do know is that severe trauma or stress or any other factor (major depression/drugs/alcohol/bipolar/etc) can have an effect on the ability to function at a perceived higher level.  From what I have read,  it is a co-morbid diagnosis that the lower functioning tend to fall into.

On the flipside, those that are higher functioning tend to show higher NPD traits.

[Waifed]

Interesting. Mine was an avoidant waif that was high functioning yet did not outwardly show N traits. She appeared to have empathy at times for others (not me). I wonder if this is where the covert (stealth) narcissism comes into play?  She was definitely self absorbed and entitled yet she was not a confident person.