Legal Guidance Starting Divorce BPD spouse

[Survived?]

Help! 

Lived with BPD for 12 years through years of abuse.  She is master of transference.   During last three years I went to counselor and was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.  Wife used this court to make me look like monster.  Essentiall I came apart largely due to her abuse. Some issues are my own such as co dependency depression etc.

Now wife has painted me as monster even though she was arrested for domestic violence towards me, checked herself into psych unit, attempted suicide twice.   She planned this divorce well in advance and one year ago took out a restraining order on me after beating me up.   Now I am more than certain daughter is being intentionally alienated from me and coached.

The first thing my lawyer said is she set me up, said he understood about BPD but this far has done nothing to aggressively deal with my issues.  During last meeting when I told him I believed daughter is being coached, he basically blew me off.  Lawyer even said she made me look like monster. 

I live in small town, not many lawyers to choose from and now I'm broke and couldn't afford new lawyer anyway.   The situation is not good or heading in right direction.

Help!

[sfbayjed]

I am sorry you are in this situation.  I too have PTSD and my daughter as well.  Your daughter is being coached I am sure.  Can you get your daughter into counseling? If you can find her a ggod counselor  then they should be able to recognize  what your ex is doing, and there will be someone who knows.  It is likely that your ex is going to screw up in time.  Try to hang in there, even though things are hard now, you are still the only stable parent your daughter has. She is going to need you.

[Matt]

Just brainstorming - I wish I had easy answers... .

One option might be to talk to as many lawyers as you can - even if you know you can't afford them or if they're further away - some offer a free initial consultation.  Prepare questions so you use the time well and learn as much as you can about how the process works where you live.  Make yourself kind of an expert in how the legal process works, and what options you have.

Ask about depositions.  This is what I did:  filed a motion to have my wife deposed (questioned under oath).  That worked very well - my lawyer was able to ask her anything relevant and we got the transcript which showed more than 40 false statements and accusations.  We picked out those which were easiest to prove, and my lawyer told her lawyer, "If this goes to trial, we will put your client on the stand and prove that she lied under oath, and she will be at risk of criminal charges."  That worked - her lawyer told her she better settle, and we got an OK settlement.

Ask about Custody Evaluations.  That helped my case a lot - a court-appointed psychologist met with both parties, and with the kids, and talked to a few other people, and got the whole picture.

Ask about psych evals.  Our Custody Evaluator administered the MMPI-2 - an objective psych eval - to each of us.  The results showed that my wife had "presented falsely" (that is, lied) while taking the MMPI-2, and that she has BPD and some other stuff.

If you get that kind of information, then you can research the impact of BPD (or whatever) on kids.  You can make a very strong, objective case, with tons of data, that someone with BPD should not have primary custody.

But first - read "Splitting" by William A. Eddy, and ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  "Splitting" is about the unique challenges of divorcing someone with BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).  ":)ivorce Poison" is about parental alienation.  Both are very readable and practical.  Also, Eddy's web site has a lot of good information - www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

Finally, if you believe you (like me and many others here) probably have some co-dependence and/or other issues, get into counseling, and continue it, so you will be as strong as possible through this process.  Don't be ashamed of it - it's a wise move and the court will respect you for it.

[ogopogodude]

Just to clarify things... . can a victim of an abusive relationship (i.e. me) have PTSD from the abuse that their (ex)mate shelled out at them?

(in other words, ... can a BPD afflicted person, ... . shell out so much verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse to the point that the victims of that relationship are traumatized and develop PTSD?).

[ForeverDad]

Just to clarify things... . can a victim of an abusive relationship (i.e. me) have PTSD from the abuse that their (ex)mate shelled out at them?

(in other words, ... can a BPD afflicted person, ... . shell out so much verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse to the point that the victims of that relationship are traumatized and develop PTSD?).

Um... . do you even have to ask?

I used to nearly stutter around my ex, she had me so terrified of triggering her that I weighed out each word and phrase.  And still she got triggered anyway.

I recall too that she criticized me endlessly that I was looking at other women.  I used to joke that if I stopped at a traffic light that I couldn't watch the grandmother crossing the street.  Sounds like I'm joking but it wasn't that far off.  I used to walk down the aisles at work and would avert my eyes down if women were in my path.  And she wasn't even there!  Yes, I was a bit of a basket case back then.

Whether that's called PTSD, who knows, I've forgotten a lot of it after the more peaceful years apart since then, some 8 years.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think many of us are pretty damaged when we first get out of an abusive relationship.

[GaGrl]

Just to clarify things... . can a victim of an abusive relationship (i.e. me) have PTSD from the abuse that their (ex)mate shelled out at them?

(in other words, ... can a BPD afflicted person, ... . shell out so much verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse to the point that the victims of that relationship are traumatized and develop PTSD?).

Um... . do you even have to ask?

I used to nearly stutter around my ex, she had me so terrified of triggering her that I weighed out each word and phrase.  And still she got triggered anyway.

I recall too that she criticized me endlessly that I was looking at other women.  I used to joke that if I stopped at a traffic light that I couldn't watch the grandmother crossing the street.  Sounds like I'm joking but it wasn't that far off.  I used to walk down the aisles at work and would avert my eyes down if women were in my path.  And she wasn't even there!  Yes, I was a bit of a basket case back then.

Whether that's called PTSD, who knows, I've forgotten a lot of it after the more peaceful years apart since then, some 8 years.

When I began seeing my now-husband, he had already been living apart from his ex (The Dark Princess) for 14 years.  And he STILL had PTSD reactions.  One of our first weekends together, he was going to the grocery for steaks and wine, and I asked him to pick up light bulbs.  When he returned, I went to screw in the bulbs, and the connections were wide rather than narrow.  All I said was, "Oh, these don't fit." Well, DH had an over-the-top reaction -- "Oh, I'm so sorry! I'll go back and change them.  I'm sorry!"  He was flushed and stammering, in such a hurry to get back in the car and fix the problem.  Now -- this is a former Army infanctry officer.  I think that's the point I fully realized just how much damage his former marriage had done to him.  So PTSD?  you betcha.  And it's taken 7-8 years for her to let go, even after he married me.

[ogopogodude]

Thanks guys, ... I knew as I was pressing "post" button on the keyboard that my Q was a stupid Q. Yes, ... I believe that I have a form of PTSD. I was soo abused it is not even funny. Worse off, ... . our children were also abused. But kids are resilient ... . much more so than us adults.  BTW, ... how does a parent get teenagers (that are seemingly quite "okay" to therapy? Do they even need it as they have accepted mom's problems... . and they live with me anyway, ... and they have really nothing to do with their mom anyway as they like the peace and calm that I exude. I always try to laugh and have fun with them as well.

[ogopogodude]

Before I separated from my wife, ... as I was driving home from a long day of work, ... once I was within a block or three of arriving home, ... . I would start to tremble and weep before pulling into the driveway.  :'(

My wife's mere existence scared the living daylights out of me... . And she is petite framed, ... . she is only maybe 101 lbs  but boy could she terrorize a household.  That is exactly what she is ... . a terrorist. A BPD person with temper rage potential is, ... . well, ... . a terrorist.   

[gary seven]

Quote From Forever Dad:  Um... . do you even have to ask?



I am coming to this realization and as a middle-aged adult, am pretty ashamed for letting this happen to me, let alone my kids.  I haven't even begun the legal thing yet, but I know deep in my heart it has to happen.  I feel I am walking on a minefield, worse than eggshells.  I may explode because of how terrible I feel. That I guess is my PTSD for me.

[ForeverDad]

Ponder the thought about how much the children are impacted.  You were an adult, prepared for adult life more or less and look at what happened to you.  Wouldn't you think that the children, who don't have a past life or home to compare against their life and home with a BPD parent, would they even know what a normal life ought to be if still under the BPD parent's thumb and pervasive influence?  Yes, they're resilient, but the damage can linger on and on for decades, especially if they haven't had effective validation and good examples.  Just read some of the comments by the members here who post on the Coping with a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw with a PD board.  Many of them, though now adults and finally grown out of the center of the chaos, still are deeply affected.  Interestingly, many have commented that a stable adult in their childhood helped them to survive.  What that means is you can be the stable adult example and resource in your children's childhood.

[Survived?]

Thanks to all for discussion and ideas. 

First I HAVE been in regular counseling for three years.  There is no question that wife is BPD and my PTSD is triggered by her abuse!   YES, long term abuse and fear can cause PTSD!

When you live with or around someone, especially someone you love, one should feel safe and secure!  What happens when the one you love becomes the one you fear the most... .

PTSD!   It's real and it wears you down to nothing. 

I fully acknowledge I have co-dependency issues.   I let it go on for so king believing I was protecting my children.   I did not start out co-dependent but I certainly am now. 

Thank you all for advice and guidance, and keep it coming!

[livednlearned]

Thanks to all for discussion and ideas. 

First I HAVE been in regular counseling for three years.  There is no question that wife is BPD and my PTSD is triggered by her abuse!   YES, long term abuse and fear can cause PTSD!

When you live with or around someone, especially someone you love, one should feel safe and secure!  What happens when the one you love becomes the one you fear the most... .

PTSD!   It's real and it wears you down to nothing. 

I fully acknowledge I have co-dependency issues.   I let it go on for so king believing I was protecting my children.   I did not start out co-dependent but I certainly am now. 

Thank you all for advice and guidance, and keep it coming!

Survived,

You mentioned that there aren't many lawyers where you live. And you can't afford to fire up the legal machine right now. But one thing we tell members here a lot is to document everything. Keep documenting, even if custody has already been determined. Every email your ex sends you, every text. How exchanges go, things your daughter says. Not only will it help you if you need it for court, but it helps to keep things clear when stress is high, like now while you're feeling PTSD and are likely swinging between anxiety and depression.

Really, document everything.

[Survived?]

Thanks lived... . I have tried very hard to begin process and I'm really starting to see things more clearly... . couldn't find the books you recommended at Barnes and Noble but will find them.  I did find one called Stop walking on a Eggshells by Krieger.   It's all starting to make sense now, and somehow I just know my BP is going to goof eventually! 

Your right... . I'm trying to keep track of it all and the more settled I get the better I will prepared to do so. 

Thanks so much Lived... . your an anchor right now!

[Matt]

Most of us have read "SWOE". Randi Kreger founded this site.

The other books are probably available from Amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com.

[livednlearned]

Most of us have read "SWOE". Randi Kreger founded this site.

The other books are probably available from Amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com.

I found Divorce Poison and Splitting on Amazon.com and Google Play and downloaded them to my computer. Are you comfortable doing that? Because I think once you start reading these two books, you'll feel like you have some tools. Power of validation (for parents) is also important because that's the secret weapon to helping your daughter trust her own feelings and thoughts, so she won't be as likely to get confused by what her mom says.

I still read Divorce Poison -- it's my new parenting manual. Bill Eddy (who wrote Splitting) also wrote Don't Alienate the Kids, which gave me the epiphany that started to turn everything around. It made me realize that my son only had one parent who could model managed emotions, moderate behavior, and flexible thinking, and that was me. I realized S12 was probably soaking up my anxiety and depression and I needed to learn how to manage conflict in a way that was useful to S12. Don't Alienate the Kids also does a good job of helping to explain how an attachment disorder like BPD works, and why that makes BPD parents particularly challenging to co-parent with (or for some, impossible).