And the BS continues...

[Shadowcat]

Hello, everyone. It's been a while since I've posted here. I don't know about anyone else, but the BPD person in my life kind of goes "on and off-" that is, she's okay to deal with for anywhere from a few months to a couple of years, and then we have a bad spell for usually the same amount of time.

My mom is a "Hermit" type BPD mother, who goes very Witchlike at times. Lately, I have been having her watch my two children while I train horses once a week. It probably wasn't wise in the first place, not because I worry about my children (she is great with kids and no one else), but because it becomes ammunition against me whenever she decides she doesn't like what I'm doing. I weighed it in my mind and decided that I will go insane if I can't have my horsey-time once in a while, and it's so good for my health and well being.

Well, I did the "unthinkable" this weekend - I spent time with my husband's family. We went on a sleigh ride in the mountains and stayed at my FIL's cabin on a lake up there. My mom gets really mad when I spend time with people other than her, particularly when the kids are involved. She berated me, and said things like, "You NEVER spend time with me - only when you want me to watch your kids. You go up to the mountains with M's family ALL THE TIME"(lie!)" And when I ask you to dinner at my house you ALWAYS decline! You only care about them!" Now it's true that I decline dinner at her house - my mother is a good cook, but her sanitation in the kitchen is questionable and she never eats in front of us. Her teeth are rotting out of her head because she refuses to go to the dentist, and subsequently she eats horribly. It is really weird to have dinner at someone else's house when they won't eat it themselves, and just watch you.

So naturally I got the "I watch your kids ALL THE TIME" card thrown at me, and that's about when I said: "Okay Mom, thank you, goodbye," very politely. I still don't know how to handle her - she is great at getting me mad, which makes me shout at her, which makes her win. My ex-golden child brother is great at keeping her from ripping him apart, but I just don't seem to have the same measure of patience in dealing with this woman. Then again, he wasn't ever physically abused by her, but I was. That was years ago and she hasn't dared hit me in a long time, so instead she shreds me with words.

I know I'll probably have to stop having her watch the little ones again, simply because I don't want her to have nasty things to use against me again. Sometimes, it's very hard to see my mother so tender and caring with my kids. It makes me wish she had been that way with me.

[Sitara]

My mom baby sat my oldest son for a couple years just 4 days a month so we could save a little on daycare expenses.  It was one of the biggest mistakes I made.  One of the reasons why was she too would use it as something to hold over our heads to get what she wanted.  Once she said she would not baby sit for us anymore if we got a certain type of pet.  We weren't even thinking of getting one.  We also got into a big argument as she was on her way out after sitting, and in the middle of the fight she throws out, "I'm not going to babysit for you anymore!" then moved onto something else.  At the end of the fight I had to stop her from walking out the door to ask her if she was going to still babysit or not, and she responds with, "Oh of course I will, I didn't mean it."  She also constantly gave us the "we're using her" guilt trip, despite telling her when it started we'd drive him to her house, pay her, and always had food for him, by the end we never said any of that and she'd have to bring him lunches because we never had anything for him to eat and it cost her so much money and time and blah blah blah.

I'd encourage you to find some alternative to having her watch your kids.  A sitter, other family/friends, a time when your husband is home, even daycare centers will often take kids for just a few hours.  In my experience, it was not worth it to give her that power over me to save some money and spend more time with my husband.

As for communication with your mom, I don't have any good advice there other than just directing you to the tools here.  My mom has stopped talking to me other than by text and through my dad.  I use the time to really think about how I want to respond before I send a message back.  I'm sure if we talked on the phone or something, she's so good at pushing my buttons I'd have a really hard time not rising to the bait.  I guess that I don't really have any good advice here but wanted to let you know you're not the only one who's had to deal with that.