Why does my exBD hate me so much?

[magichat101]

My exBDgf has several ex's whom she always talked about (blah blah blah  ) anyways I've been thinking why she hates me so much more then any of her other ex's... . She initially broke up with me and then went NC and then recycled in march and ended it in August... . I just don't know what i did that was so triggering to her to make her HATE me so much... . We went through a lot together (her going to rehab, a miscarriage, issues with her and her family, it was all really about her (shocker) but boy does she hate me... .

Is it possible that I am the one that got too close?

[arn131arn]

Magic,

Mine hated me so much and recycled me over 40x in 14 years... . I can tell you that at some point you will probably be painted white again.  May take some time though.  I am dealing with that fear right now.  We have a son together.  I will go LC as soon as the court orders are in for custody.  It's just what they do, bro:

Love/Cling/Hate/Destroy

If/when she contacts you again it will be the same cycle.  Just do like Eminem said "Lose Yoursellf"

[Changingman]

4 years I did, I think this means I'm as close as she'll get to a real RS. It wasn't a real RS at all. At the end the betrayal all through it, shattering.

Is this proof to them what Demons they are? How can they pretend to themselves their new RS is real?

Maybe by making all the hurt... . ours?

The problem must be outside them, we are the bad parnt/object?

We remind them of how messed up their RSs get?

We have become part of the shame they feel about themselves?

We really let them down, they were still them?

They really never cared at all, if you're gonna suck **** do it for a Daimler?

They are crazy?

[Changingman]

Yes they hate us and worse .

We let them.

It's intense, adrenalin junkie me.

Move along now, it's someone else's turn.

[love4meNOTu]

My exBDgf has several ex's whom she always talked about (blah blah blah  ) anyways I've been thinking why she hates me so much more then any of her other ex's... . She initially broke up with me and then went NC and then recycled in march and ended it in August... . I just don't know what i did that was so triggering to her to make her HATE me so much... . We went through a lot together (her going to rehab, a miscarriage, issues with her and her family, it was all really about her (shocker) but boy does she hate me... .

Is it possible that I am the one that got too close?

Yes, it is possible that you got too close, and saw behind the mask.

But more importantly, she hates herself. I know that's hard to see when they are projecting all over you... but it's the truth.

I have to look back on all the things I did to help him (my dad reminded me of this the other day) and be proud of myself for loving him so much and wanting to take care of my husband.

The end of our relationship was horrible, both for him and for me, but I did my best. Just like you did, right?

Not perfect by any means, but the best I could do with the information I had at the time.

So for that, give yourself a pat on the back. You can't fix her, it was never your job to do that.

Hugs,

L

[Pearl55]

Borderlines (3 year old) look for a PARENT in their relationships to be cared for and to be loved. It's impossible and that's why all if them enter hater phase.

It's paradoxical, the more you love them the less they love you back (in a immature way).

We always lose in their sick games so we are weak and idiot OPPONENTS in their views therefore we are not good enough for them.

We beleive their lies, ... . So they see it as a sign of stupidity. They are not honest, strong, loyal themselves and don't understand it!

Bpd is very logical!

[shellsh0cked]

Mine hates my guts too.  She made two attempts on my life, did $4000 worth of damage to my car, caused me immense emotional pain during and after the relationship... . assasinated my character by revealing private things she swore she would never tell... . list goes on and on.  She has no remorse for any of it because she thinks it's justified    

She's basically a worthless excuse for a human being.  If she goes to her grave hating me for the things SHE is responsible for?  Then so be it... . ___ her, her attitude, and her emotionally crippled psyche.  I may not have been perfect in that relationship, but the things she accused me of I have no remorse for them because I did nothing wrong... . So I am okay with her hating me for the mom boob bullsh!t... . the 15 year old kid bs... . all that sh!t... . that's her problem... . misguided and misplaced hatred... . whatever...  I will lose no sleep over it.  

[Pretty Woman]

Can't stress this enough... .

you will never make rational sense of an irrational person.



Mine hates me too. It's part of the disorder, part of the game. They say (experts) that it is not intentional but I will say the hate is effective in them manipulating us back for a recycle.

None of us like rejection, who does? But it's worse when you really love someone and they want nothing to do with you and have painted you the devil himself.

It leaves you wondering if she/he will ever come around so if/when they do it's back to square f'ing one all over again... . you are so happy to have that validation again,

Validation from a crazy person. Please think about that.

The thing is, the best thing they can do is hate you. I know that is harsh but it is! Don't sit around waiting for them, use this time to get your life back together so if it happens you can fight it off.  You need your strength back. Work on you and find yourself again.

You are not the only one going through this and trust me, you won't be the last!

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Why does your ex hate you?  It's just a part of the disorder.  You two experienced quite a bit, likely it triggered some of the old hurts in her life and instead of managing those feelings she projected that disappointment and hurt on you.  Her pain isn't your fault and it isn't your doing.  Hang in there and I promise your life will get better. 

[State85]

I really don’t know if mine hates me. When we were in a r/s, her actions showed she did…but then that would be followed up by “give me a hug, even though I did/said those things, does not mean I don’t care” Really, you have to be kidding me.  Right now, about 3 months out of this r/s, she has pretty much stopped trying to contact me. But when she does, she lets me know everything I did/am doing wrong. It is true, like someone posted earlier:

You cannot rationalize with an irrational person….

Trying to figure out what they are thinking, or their next move, is wasted energy on our parts.

[Pearl55]

It's really heartbreaking when I read soo many posts about what they did, how they behave,... . why we are so obsess about these dysfunctional people when they don't care about us at all?

I don't care if my husband hates me or not! Why should I? I didn't count in his life, everything was about him!

He wants to see me unsuccessful, destroyed, unhappy. I really feel sorry for those who wasted the best years of their lives with these unworthy people, including myself!

[Pearl55]

"Validation from a crazy person. Please think about that."

I really like that. What will be our self worth if we need a validation from a crazy person. They are waste of space!

[State85]

"Validation from a crazy person. Please think about that."

I really like that. What will be our self worth if we need a validation from a crazy person. They are waste of space!

Well said... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey magichat, Sure, my BPDxW hates me with a passion -- it's what they do.  The sad part is that she is training our children to hate me, too, which is something I try to be compassionate about in my interactions with the kids.  They don't know they are being brainwashed in a culture of hate by an irrational person with a vindictive agenda.  My BPDxW went through the same process with many others during our marriage: her sister, our landlord, her old boss, her brother-in-law, etc., so it was only a matter to time before the wheel turned and I became the object of her intense dislike.  So what?  I think carrying all that hate around will eventually take a toll on her.  In the meantime, I'm only sorry about what our children are going through, because they don't know about BPD.  LJ

[Pretty Woman]

Pearl,

 On the flipside it is nice to know there are so many loving people out there (all of us).

My therapist wants me to lose compassion for the ex and to feel sorry for myself. I was so sick of feeling sorry for myself but you really need to (not you personally, all of us) because we were treated badly. If we pop those feelings up on a shelf to not hurt or feel further we never resolve them.

We need to hurt, grieve to fully move on. These people have problems, yes but they can get help. They know they have problems, esp the high functioning. My ex knew she had issues and refused to take meds because they made her feel "numb". She never tried to resolve anything. It's very sad but not our problem. Let it be someone elses.

[santa]

I think they resent the fact that they can't have a successful relationship and you're just their outlet.

[Pearl55]

Pearl,

 On the flipside it is nice to know there are so many loving people out there (all of us).

My therapist wants me to lose compassion for the ex and to feel sorry for myself. I was so sick of feeling sorry for myself but you really need to (not you personally, all of us) because we were treated badly. If we pop those feelings up on a shelf to not hurt or feel further we never resolve them.

We need to hurt, grieve to fully move on. These people have problems, yes but they can get help. They know they have problems, esp the high functioning. My ex knew she had issues and refused to take meds because they made her feel "numb". She never tried to resolve anything. It's very sad but not our problem. Let it be someone elses.

Exactly!

[Moonie75]

"Although I'm very smart, I've never won an argument with an idiot"

Spike Milligan

[santa]

"Although I'm very smart, I've never won an argument with an idiot"

Spike Milligan

Brilliant

[magichat101]

I think they resent the fact that they can't have a successful relationship and you're just their outlet.

Santa, I agree with you. I remember I used to feel and finally say that "you hate me because I am not your ex" - meaning that she was upset that she couldn't make it work with him nor any guy for that matter and hated me for it... . I felt as though see looked at me and said only if he had your qualities then I would've stayed with him. Heartbreaking really heartbreaking... . She is toxic

[Ironmanrises]

What the pwBPD really hates and loathes, is themselves. But to make that connection would require self reflection, and since they have a disorder that exists to deny itself, well, in their eyes, it cannot possibly be their fault. So all the hate and loathsome feelings, get imprinted/projected on the person closest to them; the significant other, which is, us. BPD is a disorder of intimacy. We become the repository of all their hate, disgust, loathsome feelings. Literally. It is why we are left so utterly bereft at the end.

[Lucky Jim]

We become the repository of all their hate, disgust, loathsome feelings. Literally.

Thanks, Ironman, for putting that so well.

I suspect that many of us Nons have low self-esteem to begin with, and that some of us (read: me) start to think that maybe we deserve all the hate, disgust and loathsome feelings.  In other words, we may start to carry the feelings of the pwBPD, which is an unhealthy burden that eventually leads to physical and emotional collapse from all that extra weight.

Which explains why I feel so much lighter now that I'm no longer married to my BPDxW!  LJ

[sun seeker]

 Simple.

Bpders hate themselves so much. It consumes them. How can they not hate everybody else. dont take it personal man there defective!

[DownandOut]

I don't think you should take it too personally - they hate themselves the most out of everyone. Mine told me that she always gets frustrated in relationships but I frustrated her the most (Note: during the same conversation she told me she really loved me so much). There are many ways to interpret it. One is the way you said it, which is what I tried telling myself in the beginning, which is that I am the one that really made her feel a scary kind of love that was overwhelming for her and those feelings made her frustrated. Alternatively, I really could have frustrated her because, while I took a lot of her sht, I'm also a pretty assertive guy and I defended myself a lot against her (although not always in the best way that I could have because I was walking on egg shells). Another reason could be that I really did frustrate her for some other reason totally unbeknownst to me because she wouldn't ever share or explain why she felt that way. THe bottom line is, don't take it to heart, you can't explain the unexplainable. Only she can but she won't, or cant.

[shellsh0cked]

I don't think you should take it too personally - they hate themselves the most out of everyone. Mine told me that she always gets frustrated in relationships but I frustrated her the most (Note: during the same conversation she told me she really loved me so much). There are many ways to interpret it. One is the way you said it, which is what I tried telling myself in the beginning, which is that I am the one that really made her feel a scary kind of love that was overwhelming for her and those feelings made her frustrated. Alternatively, I really could have frustrated her because, while I took a lot of her sht, I'm also a pretty assertive guy and I defended myself a lot against her (although not always in the best way that I could have because I was walking on egg shells). Another reason could be that I really did frustrate her for some other reason totally unbeknownst to me because she wouldn't ever share or explain why she felt that way. THe bottom line is, don't take it to heart, you can't explain the unexplainable. Only she can but she won't, or cant.

Yup... . the only people that can understand this above have been involved with a borderline... .

[Moonie75]

I totally agree that you don't need to take their hateful words seriously. They mean them in the moment but the moment passes & then they didn't mean it. Total jibber jabber!

But remember, the same rules apply to the nice, loving, caring cr@p that comes from their mouths too.

They're ill ALL the time! Not just when they're being nasty, that's only half the illness. We mustn't forget that.

[Ironmanrises]

I totally agree that you don't need to take their hateful words seriously. They mean them in the moment but the moment passes & then they didn't mean it. Total jibber jabber!

But remember, the same rules apply to the nice, loving, caring cr@p that comes from their mouths too.

They're ill ALL the time! Not just when they're being nasty, that's only half the illness. We mustn't forget that.

And all of that has serious ramifications on us. The beloved.

[Waifed]

I never in 3 years thought my ex hated me.  She didn't rage or even raise her voice and never one time called me a name of any sort.  It was all silent treatment an subtle manipulation.  After I broke it off she continued to text for 2 weeks until she found out that I sent the dude she boned an email totally demeaning her.  This was followed up by the email to her explaining BPD.  When she went to the police station and had the police call me after she received the BPD email I was floored. I realized for the first time that she hated me.

[DownandOut]

I never in 3 years thought my ex hated me.  She didn't rage or even raise her voice and never one time called me a name of any sort.  It was all silent treatment an subtle manipulation.  After I broke it off she continued to text for 2 weeks until she found out that I sent the dude she boned an email totally demeaning her.  This was followed up by the email to her explaining BPD.  When she went to the police station and had teh police call me after she received the BPD email I was floored. I realized for the first time that she hated me.

Ditto. Mine was never outright mean, but when I think back to things she said her words carried so much venom I just didn't see or hear it for what it was at the time. Mine really displayed her ill-will towards me when her friends saw me out with another woman a week and a half after we broke up (I was out to get my mind off of her, unfortunately, her friends were at the same restaurant). She was already in her new little relationship which carried over from the end of ours. Regardless, after that happened, she started posting pictures of her and her new victim on social media to basically rip my heart out. Only someone that is mean-spirited would do that.