What is wrong with ME?

[PullToEject]

I'm not sure if anyone else gets to this point, but I think there is something wrong with me.  In my head I am extremely loving and compassionate and very emotionally stable with a thick skin.  But in a BPD relationship those same qualities just seem to make things worse.  The more I understand about her BPD, the more I tolerate as it is somehow not "her fault" - like it becomes this built in alibi that absolves her of responsibility. 

I have gone through more in the past 15 months with this woman that I'd ever in a million years imagine myself tolerating.  I wish I could go back and just be "this chick is crazy, I need to run the other way as fast as I can".  I wish I never learned about BPD, - compassion doesn't help anything.  If anything, I feel my compassion only made things worse.  I think the BPD has a sixth sense of how far someone can be pushed before they leave.  As my compassion and empathy increased, so did the severity of what I have had to endure.  Any logical man would have run a long long time ago.

So now, I sit here and think to myself, what is wrong with you, why would you let anyone treat you like that, why are you still here?  I would not say I have self-esteem issues, or depression, but I feel like every ounce of my self-respect has been drained from me.  There are times when she rages (verbal, never physical) and I sit there zombie-like, not feeling anything.  It's just not normal to sit there and let someone call you a MF-er and a liar and a cheat again and again and again... . and then an hour later she can be like, can you go to the store and get what we need for the meat loaf.  And I do.

Thanks for listening. 

[Surnia]

Hi PullToEject,

to beginn with your last sentences: No, its not a good thing for yourself to stay under a rage or name calling! Its not healthy for yourself and it enforces also her bad behavior. I think you are onto something really important here. So validation first for you feeling worn out. 

So what you can do is take a time out. Telling her that you don't want stay under name calling and raging. Its important to say this calm and don't argue or defend about it! Sometimes it can help to offer another try to speak after at least half a day.

What is very important in my opinion that you are clear within yourself: Being compassionate does not mean you are the doormat for any bad or abusive behavior. Compassion or empathy needs boundaries. For many of us this is not easy. I was there, I had no idea about boundaries in a romantic relationship. I grew up with the idea to be there for a loved one in either case! When I heard first about boundaries it felt so selfish. 


Here are some resources for further reading if you are interested:

How to take a time out

Boundaries Tools of Respect

[waverider]

Stuck in reactionary behavior trying to fix and appease someone else who you think should appreciate your efforts?

The road to recovery is to focus on yourself not her. Your own instability is feeding it.

Caring self confidence with an ability to objectively apply tough love where required is necessary. Above all consistency is important.

Research more into dealing with neediness.