When they tell you they are not in love with you any longer, do they mean it?

[byfaith]

I have been married to my uBPDw for almost 3 years now. A trigger occurred almost 10 months ago where her “perception” of me changed. Following is an explanation of the trigger. 9 years ago while I was married to my previous wife I had an attraction to someone who I only saw every other month because she cut my hair. I never did anything, said anything, never called this woman, never insinuated that I was attracted to her. I still felt guilty because my wife and I at the time were not getting along and this person was nice to me. Confession to other people is not always good. As my previous marriage was coming to an end I sent my previous wife an email stating  that I had this emotional thing going on. Well before I could delete that email my current wife who at the time was my girlfriend found that email. I was questioned about it and we “seemed” to move on from it. 10 months ago I was asked about it again in greater detail. The questioning led into why did you do that? I said because I was not getting attention from my previous wife. Then I was asked “ did you ever picture yourself having sex with this woman?”  Stupid me says yes. I probably did but it was not something that I really didn’t dwell on. That was it, her affection towards me has never been the same since it has grown worse over the last 10 months where she doesn’t even want to hug or even kiss me. She tells me that she is confused about her feelings. She says she is confused whether she really loves me or not because of her feelings for the lack of desire for me. That is it in a nutshell. Many more things going on that are complicating the situation.

I think it’s time to ease into addressing with my wife that she may be suffering from BPD. I think her medication mixture is messing with her. If I sit and wait in silence and never bring this up and discuss it I will never know what the outcome may have been.

I have known for over a year and a half that she has at least 5 or 6 of these traits and I have been coping with the tools here.

If she says she is confused then I believe her. She has connected the lack of desire for sex as “ she doesn’t love me any longer” I believe she has built a defense against me “doing” to her what I “did” to my previous wife.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seneca]

dude, i totally wish i had an answer for us. i have been with mine for 13 years. in that time, i have heard, in no particular order:

- i hate you

- i don't like you

- i don't love you

- i never loved you

- the worst mistake i ever made was marrying you

- i only married you because i was afraid no one else would want me

- when we have sex i am not emotionally present with you, i feel nothing

- i don't know what love is. but i care very deeply for you.

i have also heard "i love you" thousands of times. but, as someone who loves him, i would never dream of saying the above statements, because i'd never even think them. yes, he has yelled these in the heat of the moment, but he has also stated them calmly during rational moments. i am not entirely certain that people with BPD can experience love in the way we do, they certainly cannot have a reciprocal, mutually supportive, loving relationship that we can. it is foolish to expect them to. i think that for many of us with BPD spouses, we'd be better off mentally replacing those "i love you"s with "i need you"s. because really, that is the truth. need and love aren't the same.

[karma_gal]

Second everything Seneca said.

Don't forgot the age-old classic, "I love you, but I'm not really in love with you, you know?" 

I was like What the heck does that mean? 

His answer?

I'm not sure really.  I read it on the Internet.

Um, okay. 

P.S.  He's still here, loving but not loving me... . and it doesn't look like he's going anywhere.  Guess he still needs me! 

[PacifistMom]

Yep I've heard all of the above. I think it translates to "I'm feeling very inadequate and can never be good enough for you." But in the present moment it's hard not to be torn up feeling like maybe this time is it.

[PacifistMom]

Meant to add ... . I base the translation on that it's often followed by "probably you'd be happy with  [whoever I know that he's fixated on hating at the moment] or someone like that

[Murbay]

Don't forgot the age-old classic, "I love you, but I'm not really in love with you, you know?" 

I was like What the heck does that mean? 

From what I have experienced and learned about BPD, they are addicted to the rush of a new relationship. The initial high and intensity is usually what they interpret as love. When things settle down into a "normal relationship" that feeling subsides and that's usually when things start to change.

The love then becomes about staying out of their fear of abandonment but no longer having the high of a new relationship. It's part of the reason they jump from relationship to relationship and rush into things far too quickly.

[waverider]

If you have felt something for another person in the past and are not denying it then that means you still do in her mind as now is forever and what you feel now you always did, and always will.

The past and future are always rewritten to match todays feelings in their mind.

Similarly if they feel affection for you today, they always have, and always will. If you are out of favor today then you always were and always will be.

They find it hard to leave the past in the past, without blocking it alltogether, if it contradicts todays feelings.

[byfaith]

thank you for all of the responses. I will reply when I am able as of now I just wanted to say thank you and it has helped me. This whole BPD thing takes on so many forms and it gets complicated.