Taking time for self & they get upset with you?

[FigureIt]

On Saturday my uBPDbf and I went to out for the entire day/night.  He drank alcohol continuously throughout the time we were out.  At the end of the evening (about 1am) when we were going home he began to rage at me, accussing me of cheating on him (which has never happened or even been thought of, he on the other hand has had contact with other women.)  When that topic was exhausted he then began to attack me verbally for marrying my ex-husband and having a child with him.  He started with how I let the "demon seed be planted in me" and then how my ex-husband cheated on me, etc.  I told him comments about my child is crossing a boundary and is unacceptable.  I then went to sleep.

The next morning I was pissed off at him and hurt by things he said.  I told him he was wrong in what he said to me and owed me an apology.  I then needed to not think about the events of the night before and met my parents out for a dog show & some grocery shopping.  I was gone from about 1:30-5:30pm.  When I returned he didn't say anything, no apology, nothing.  We then went to bed.

Yesterday evening I approached the subject again and found that he didn't apologize because I was "gone" all day.  I told him I needed time to not think about what he had said and be distracted.   

He was also irritated at the fact I wasn't home when he got home yesterday, because I went to finish up grocery shopping.  And when I informed him that today my daughter had a music lesson, it again is all about him.  (When he gets home he doesn't even make an effort to talk to me, he does his own thing like working out, showering and then sits, rocks & watches tv - usually dozing off for an hour.)

This irritates me that I took a step back to help myself and he was only concerned with him being home.  He gets upset because I am gone for 4hrs. in the afternoon, while multiple times he has been out from 4pm-2am with his friends, etc.

I am trying to understand that BPD's can be selfish, but there are times I need to not be at home.  I can't rearrange everything to be based on his schedule.  It is extremely frustrating!

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[FigureIt]

Should I just ignore his issue with me "not being home", when I have errands to run?  The majority of the time I am home. 

[Murbay]

Hi Ycul,

I'm really sorry to hear about your dilemma, it must be really difficult for you being in that position 

In terms of your question. You have every right to do what you want, need or have to do for yourself and it is not for someone else to dictate. It sounds from your comments that you rarely step back and take time for yourself and that is something you need for your own health and well being.

As to whether you ignore his issue or simply enforce your boundary is a decision only you can make. Having been in that same position many times in the past, the mistakes I made were to validate their behaviour by apologising for taking that time out. I've still got to get the hang of it even now. You haven't done anything wrong and you have every right to be you 

[waverider]

There was no enforceable action as a result crossing this boundary. As a result this was not a boundary it was a demand. Demands are usually ignored, which leaves us feeling angry and impotent.

The rest of the follow on issues are probably part of the roll on tit for tat pettiness of the earlier unresolved conflict.

You have the right to do as you did without the need for excessive explanations, nor need for his agreement that it was ok. You know you were not being unreasonable, if he can agree to that then it is his problem to deal with.

If I were you I would look further into defining your boundaries and deciding upon consequences for those times when they are crossed. This needs to be done in advance.