Advice needed

[Murbay]

I explained in a previous post that my BPDgf has had a lot of issues thrown at her these past couple of weeks. Things that even a healthy person would struggle with. I have been there for her, even though her first reaction is to completely shut down and shut out. Last week, it really took a toll on me, I was worried about her, she was not responding to texts and started to slide myself. On Friday I took time out for myself just to recharge. She found out (not like I hid it from anybody) and was not happy. Sent her a text when I got back saying I hoped she was feeling a little better. Got the following response:

I feel awesome knowing my partner can't even tell me he is going out and have to find out from a friend. Thanks for that! I'm fine too thanks

We don't live together, I had been ignored all week, not seen her for almost 2 weeks and I had every right to take a few hours out to see friends. That was on Saturday and then it went back to being ignored again. I haven't bombarded her with any texts, just sent 1 in the mornings to say good morning and hope she has a good day and then a text at night to say good night and sweet dreams. I've let her know that if she needs to talk I'm here to listen and if she needs anything I'm right here. Today I got a response:

Morning love. Hope you have a good day today and slept well. You are not going to like what I have to say but it is how it has to be. Far too many suffer around me and unfortunately events of the past 12 months has hit me hard. I went to see the doctor yesterday and if I carry on the way I am going, I will find myself in a mental hospital. I know you have been worried about me. All I can be right now is just friends. I cannot deal with relationships as I always cause suffering around me and need to be by myself so I don't hurt anybody else. I am so sorry as the last thing I wanted to do is hurt you. I have way too many issues and just feel numb, that's the only way I can describe myself. Please don't hate me, it's just how things have to be. x

My response back was:

Bad things can happen to good people and I'm sorry you have been through so much in a short space of time. You know me well enough to know I don't hate anyone and I understand everything you have had to say. You are in a very difficult place right now and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I care about you a great deal and the only thing I have ever wanted for you is for you to be happy, no matter what it takes and the decisions you make along the way. You are an amazing person with a heart of gold and I hope you won't ever forget that xx

Does anybody know what comes next? In my previous BPD relationship, things did not end well at all and I have endured a barrage of nastiness and abuse. This one appears to have done a little better.

The other thing I need to mention is that this is the 3rd time it's gone like this. The last time, it took a week before I got a text to say everything had just got on top of her and could I pop over. I'm not prepared to give up on her, because she is a good person and tries really hard but I also need to take a step back from it all too. What is the right balance in this situation?

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[waverider]

You probably need to give her space to self soothe if that is what she is asking. Is this the end or is it just space? Really that is her decision.

If you hear nothing in a week or so a quick "how are you getting along?" message might suffice, she is still using "friends" catagory, so you would not be out of line.

Keep on with you own life ensuring it is not dependent on her, as even if this is recycled it is likely to become normal.

Do you think that might work?

[Murbay]

Waverider, many thanks for the advice. Having been married to a pwBPD that demanded I respond to messages within an hour, who needed constant reassurance and would turn anyone black quicker than she could blink, this is a very different situation. My gf is aware of her condition and the issues it brings but still struggles with her feelings.

This is not the first time she has done this and thanks to my previous experiences and the help of my T, I am able to take that step back and get on with my own things. The last time followed a very similar pattern with an almost exact message. I left that one a week and then sent her an email. She text back the next day asking me to come over.

The thing I find hard with this is that she does go into a destructive mode during that week with drink and drugs. 2 things she never usually does unless she is really low. She knows my views on it but I have also told her that only she can make those decisions and that I won't judge her on them. I did get a further text message earlier on this afternoon in response to my message:

"Thank you for understanding. It really does mean a lot to me xx"

I can usually judge what moods she is in simply from the x's in her messages. None means she is angry, one means she is talking but keeping her distance as though I'm just any other person and two means she cares.

I was unsure the last time because she seemed pretty serious but just needed the space. I know that part of my confusion right now is down to my own insecurities that have resurfaced based on my marriage. I know it's completely unfair to compare but there are similarities in some of their patterns.

With my ex, she would push me away, demand her own space, I would give that and then get hit with nastiness because I didn't go running, "obviously didn't care" and ultimately it was a test to see if I would abandon her. That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid this time and judging the right time. Not allowing the dependency but also not being too far away.

IN terms of thinking it might work. Yes, perhaps it will but I also can't let it dictate my life either.

[Murbay]

Following your advice waverider, I backed off to give her the space and haven't sent anything after her message yesterday.

Tonight I got a text from her to let me know that her childrens dad has been diagnosed with MS today.

Just sent a short response back saying

I'm really sorry to hear that. How are the kids coping with the news? Hope they are ok. Please let them know I'm thinking about them during what must be a very difficult time.

This is something I know I get tripped up with and pretty bad at, knowing the right distance. I can over think a situation and get it quite wrong. In terms of this, she asked for space and she approached me with serious news. In as far as answering your question about the end or space, I can't gauge it. In terms of responses from me, I don't want to come across as being cold or distant in case she is seeking that reassurance but in the same respects, I don't want to come across as being too close because she has asked for that space.

I swore after my ex, that I would never find myself bouncing from one side to the other depending on what mood she was in that moment. This time I want to remain in the middle and be neutral, yet caring so it doesn't give off an impression either way. The trouble I have is that I do care a lot and it is upsetting to hear that the kids are going through a tough time of it right now. Only I'm struggling in myself not to unleash the caretaker and find that balance because issues such as this, I usually go running in feet first without taking that second to think about it.

[waverider]

Unfortunately pwBPD oscillate in their push/pull behavior. There is little we can do to prevent this, but there is much we can do to make it worse.

Just stay consistent and get on with your own life and not let it totally evolve around her. As you say you don't want this behavior to dominate your life, so don't allow yourself to dwell too much on whether you should or should not jump in

Her request for distance is probably an over reaction to her fear of being swamped, if this doesn't eventuate she may relax that fear.