losing momentum

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Seems I'm losing traction on my way out, getting the best of me.

Feeling lonely, vulnerable, confused and lost.  Depression getting worse and so far I haven't really talked to anyone face to face about it.

Laying in bed with nothing but ruminations, regrets and questions.

My job performance going down the toilet. Sleepless nights and dream like days.

The worse so far are the urges to contact her or even find out about her, wondering all day.

I've resisted any contact or info so far but I can feel my will withering, so torn knowing what I might might hurt me as much if not more than not knowing.

Having long complex conversations with both the sides of her in my head.

Tracing things back to years prior, trying to make sense of it all.

My health, obvious to me now, taken a toll, a cry from my mind telling me I'm dying.

Out of the FOG and into a haze of my own doing, my mind maladaptive or plain broken or something I can't control since I cannot even understand it.

Raising the wrong questions about myself. Whats my point? does anything matter? Does my life and who I am? Did any of it mean anything at all? Was I actually never "in love" or in a relationship? Was it all a fantasy in my mind? Installed directly from her?

I'm so angry, sad, hurt and like a fool thinking I wasted years of blood sweat and tears on something imaginary.

Finding myself yearning for human connection more than ever, never felt more alone, even when surrounded by people, unable to connect buffered by anxious angst.

She's not my enemy she was just the accomplice to my real worst enemy: myself.

Not sure if i need or I want help. Without sense of direction or a clear image of my own mind I'm bound to be consumed by my doom.

I'm exhausted, tearing every moment I realize I'm spent, cashed out and hollowed out.

If I got nothing left to give, not even to myself, where does that leave me?

Sitting quietly alone and still, my life pours out and away from me.

Time has never gone so slow before and can never turn back.

Something has been growing inside me, it will never fill what it was taken out and it doesnt belong in me.

This has been my only outlet and even though what I wrote might not make sense there is certain comfort in painting a picture for those who can see beyond the paint.

Although my eyes are wide open, I looked directly into the sun, too damaged to come out the shadows.

Its not only my heart that bleeds but my mind, soul and spirit badly battered.

I've never felt so desperate for things so small, as simple as an honest eye contact with another human being.

I guess I ask for nothing but acknowledgement, to know that I am here. That this IS happening. I can hardly believe this is gonna remake me, I guess deep down its what I hope whatever that means its just words to me now.

I truly truly look up to those here I know have and are going thru the same or worse,

A certain type of quality I'm afraid to lack.

Thank you for reading all, I feel some relief, something to keep me searching for peace.

[MellowOddFellow]

Seems I'm losing traction on my way out, getting the best of me.

Feeling lonely, vulnerable, confused and lost.  Depression getting worse and so far I haven't really talked to anyone face to face about it.

Laying in bed with nothing but ruminations, regrets and questions.

My job performance going down the toilet. Sleepless nights and dream like days.

The worse so far are the urges to contact her or even find out about her, wondering all day.

I've resisted any contact or info so far but I can feel my will withering, so torn knowing what I might might hurt me as much if not more than not knowing.

Having long complex conversations with both the sides of her in my head.

Tracing things back to years prior, trying to make sense of it all.

My health, obvious to me now, taken a toll, a cry from my mind telling me I'm dying.

Out of the FOG and into a haze of my own doing, my mind maladaptive or plain broken or something I can't control since I cannot even understand it.

Raising the wrong questions about myself. Whats my point? does anything matter? Does my life and who I am? Did any of it mean anything at all? Was I actually never "in love" or in a relationship? Was it all a fantasy in my mind? Installed directly from her?

I'm so angry, sad, hurt and like a fool thinking I wasted years of blood sweat and tears on something imaginary.

Finding myself yearning for human connection more than ever, never felt more alone, even when surrounded by people, unable to connect buffered by anxious angst.

She's not my enemy she was just the accomplice to my real worst enemy: myself.

Not sure if i need or I want help. Without sense of direction or a clear image of my own mind I'm bound to be consumed by my doom.

I'm exhausted, tearing every moment I realize I'm spent, cashed out and hollowed out.

If I got nothing left to give, not even to myself, where does that leave me?

Sitting quietly alone and still, my life pours out and away from me.

Time has never gone so slow before and can never turn back.

Something has been growing inside me, it will never fill what it was taken out and it doesnt belong in me.

This has been my only outlet and even though what I wrote might not make sense there is certain comfort in painting a picture for those who can see beyond the paint.

Although my eyes are wide open, I looked directly into the sun, too damaged to come out the shadows.

Its not only my heart that bleeds but my mind, soul and spirit badly battered.

I've never felt so desperate for things so small, as simple as an honest eye contact with another human being.

I guess I ask for nothing but acknowledgement, to know that I am here. That this IS happening. I can hardly believe this is gonna remake me, I guess deep down its what I hope whatever that means its just words to me now.

I truly truly look up to those here I know have and are going thru the same or worse,

A certain type of quality I'm afraid to lack.

Thank you for reading all, I feel some relief, something to keep me searching for peace.

[santa]

Pull yourself together, man. You've got this!

You were drinking poison for a long time and there's going to be a little fall out from it. It's going to take a little time. Don't let that b-tch destroy you. She thinks you're weak. She thinks she's gotten the best of you. She thinks you couldn't handle it and she tore you apart. She's been making a fool out of you.

WELL, maybe it's time you start fooling her. You're going to get hold of yourself. You're going to pull MellowOddFellow up by the bootstraps and you're going to let this world know that she was a fly on your windshield. Nothing MellowOddFellow can't handle. You're going to laugh in her face one day for thinking that you ever gave a damn about her. Then she'll be the one with the sleepless nights.

[Perfidy]

MOF... . We're all here for you. We all have had very similar feelings and experiences. You could not be more correct in thinking that this will be the beginning of a new life for you. You are experiencing the feelings of a kind and caring, loving person that has been deeply hurt by events beyond his control. Believe it or not all this choking fog is normal. Writhing in pain is what will keep you alive. If you do nothing it will suffocate you. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but you will come out if this stringer and better than you have ever thought possible. The illusion is shattered. You are taking your first glimpses of reality. It gets better. It really does.

[Kallor74]

Don't let that b-tch destroy you. She thinks you're weak. She thinks she's gotten the best of you. She thinks you couldn't handle it and she tore you apart.

Trust and believe she wanted to see to your destruction and then step over your bones to the next target.  :)on't let her defeat you. You're better than that brother!

FIGHT!

[santa]

Don't let that b-tch destroy you. She thinks you're weak. She thinks she's gotten the best of you. She thinks you couldn't handle it and she tore you apart.

Trust and believe she wanted to see to your destruction and then step over your bones to the next target.  :)on't let her defeat you. You're better than that brother!

FIGHT!

Damn right, dude. It was warfare. All they want is to see you unravel. Well, they can go do that sh-t somewhere else because we're not having it.

[Moonie75]

You've hit a bump in the road. We all hit them but they get fewer & further apart. You can get there my friend.

I'm a bollox, so if I can do this, you can!

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you for reading all, I feel some relief, something to keep me searching for peace.

I can share with you what helped me the last two days. But other than that you really need to get some face to face help, you don't have to brave this out alone. I promise, this will pass, you just have to quit sitting back and letting it take you to that dark place.

Step 1 - Get thee to a therapist, asap.

Step 2 - quit reading about BPD all the time, and instead start reading about how to kick depression. Toxic relationships and what they can do to you, and if you need to any type of abuse site that helps you deal with the after effects of being abused.

Step 3 - When you feel yourself starting to get triggered, write down what you were thinking right before you started to feel awful. If it was disparaging thoughts against yourself, then speak to yourself in positive terms. Like instead of "I'm so stupid I should be over this by now" say "I have everything I need in this moment to be happy and content, I am safe and I am free". Talk back to that negative voice in your head, because it's full of $hit.

Step 4- Do not lay in bed. Do not ruminate and research for hours. You have to force yourself to get up and move. Move your body, learn yoga, run... whatever it takes.

Step 5 - Radical acceptance. Your relationship is over. You cannot marry and love a person who is mentally ill who will not help themselves or realize that there is a problem. Say this over and over again until you believe it. Forgive yourself for staying to long or not leaving right away. Pretend that tomorrow is a blank slate and you can create anything you like on it. Your future is bright, and within your grasp. Happiness is not elusive... you actually have it inside you. It's actually YOU you fell in love with when you were being mirrored by you BPD. So if you can stop torturing yourself long enough to realize you can go on, and you will be ok, your perspective will change.

I promise you this.

Hugs,

Lyn

Or do what moonie says  so glad I came back to edit a typo.

[Moonie75]

The other night I tried Brandy, porn, and experimenting with myself to the accompaniment of VERY loud rock music.




I rather think I might try it again tonight! 

[DownandOut]

Don't let that b-tch destroy you. She thinks you're weak. She thinks she's gotten the best of you. She thinks you couldn't handle it and she tore you apart.

Trust and believe she wanted to see to your destruction and then step over your bones to the next target.  :)on't let her defeat you. You're better than that brother!

FIGHT!

I am all about the fight to regain sanity after a destructive relationship, but do you truly believe that the intentions are ill, or the person is ill and therefore, acts accordingly?

[santa]

Don't let that b-tch destroy you. She thinks you're weak. She thinks she's gotten the best of you. She thinks you couldn't handle it and she tore you apart.

Trust and believe she wanted to see to your destruction and then step over your bones to the next target.  :)on't let her defeat you. You're better than that brother!

FIGHT!

I am all about the fight to regain sanity after a destructive relationship, but do you truly believe that the intentions are ill, or the person is ill and therefore, acts accordingly?

It matters not to me what the person is. It only matters what they do.

[sun seeker]

  Mellowodfello

 

Listen man all of us are in  the same boat. Ripped to shreds by a mentally ill person. Read what everyone here is typing. Your getting years of wisdom from these folks!  We know your plight. We are all hurting . And we all choose not to let this define us or destroy us. We all need change. Thats a good thing. You have to focus on yourself in the here and now... . No one controls your happyness but YOU! Take it easy on yourself you where  tricked  by a MASTERFUL MANIPULATOR. ... They have lethal game. Trust me we all know...

Get out of bed and talk to someone A.S.A.P. Get this ___ off your chest. I promise this does get better. GO EASY ON YOUR SELF ... .

[TigerEye]

Hey MOF

I haven't posted here for some time, but I read your post and felt compelled to reply.

The picture you paint is one that is so familiar to many of us here, you are far from alone in this. I am currently 9 months out but not yet in our longest period of NC, but it's getting there. It has been a tough journey, I will not lie to you, it is a horrible experience, but with strength, commitment and time you will get past this. Take comfort in the knowledge that there are people here that can help you get the answers you need, because you may not get the answers you want from your ex.

This has the potential to remake you, better than before, but it's a journey that you have to be willing to take, and there is good reason to take it as personally I don't want to have to succumb to this pain ever again. Give you self time plenty of time to process this, feel those feelings and you can and will learn from them in time.

The ruminations are hard, the constant battle in your head, the conversations we feel we need to have, but even if we did, I strongly doubt they will ease our pain because we know those conversations will never go as well as they do in our mind.

You are certainly not a fool and your life does matter, and it is understandable that there is anxiety, a feeling of aloneness, I have been to depths that I didn't know existed in me, but it has given me a chance, a chance to change me. It has made me face some of the fears I have carried with me all my conscious life and they have held me back and ultimately brought me to the relationship with my exBPDgf. Yes, it is hard to find someone to talk to about this that truly understands and this is why this site is so important, people here do understand, they've helped me more than I can express and they can and will help you. Accepting as you do that you played a part in this is awareness and with awareness you can stop being your own worst enemy. If you are willing and able I would recommend therapy, and you must take care of you, eat, sleep, exercise, little things but so important to help you though this. For me Mindfulness has also been a great help in regaining my head, when you feel ready, look it up, it maybe of help to you.

Take care and keep posting, your peace will come.

[MellowOddFellow]

Thank you all for the support and inspiring words... .

Its so hard to accept I didn't fall in real love, that I fell in love with an idea, that she was instinctively blindly reaching out and I let myself mistake it for something I needed.

I want to believe she loved me as much as it felt, as it looked, as she said... . But her idea of love will never be more than a concept inside her mind. I want to believe she didn't purposely destroy me... . that she destroys because its the only way she can survive the harsh world.

I wanted her to love me, I admit it. I still do, I tried to love her with all my might when I truly just wanted that myself. There is 2 of her in my mind now, sweet beautiful special girl I fell in love with,  and the selfish needy conniving little girl that destroyed my world.

This was the closest most intimate connection and bond I had with any person at all, as sad as that sounds, looking back she knew, I was the perfect for her, the other side of the h equation, the epitome of co dependence. The system worked flawlessly with both of us blindly holding on to the wild ride.

She was my first everything really and I feel robbed of the true experience I guess.

Now my silly dream world is gone, broken and jaded. I gotta look for will power somewhere, right after I find a way to cut the poisoned half of my heart out.

I always considered myself not the same, almost an outsider, like I just don't belong.

"My luck is always odd" I used to tell her and shed point out how I had her... . I guess in the end it all fit in.

It amazes me to realize how enmeshed I became with her, I don't know if she even remembers me, but the fact of how hard its hitting me I can see how much of my life and mind she permeated. I have to look for will, for a way out or risk drowning in my own sht.

I know this and part of me wants to hit rock bottom and then dig a thousand mile hole.

Is the reason that I flew away so fast with someone who isn't all there because I'm not here either?

Why was my house, one that I thought was made of brick, blown away like it was made of straw?

Its so bad that I'm hurting to see her, talk to her. She was the only person I had and now the last person I should think about.

I just wanna feel OK again

I just want it to stop

But I don't want my life to stop

I thought I could handle going from being a lonely nobody to someones loved one, someone's boyfriend/husband, someone's father figure... . But I was never ready to cope with losing it all at once In such a hurtful way.

I can forgive her actions, her words and her BPD. But my mind can't forgive her for throwing away what I had to offer, for throwing away me. Ill never forgive her because I know if she had 1 minute to be normal shed realize and never forgive herself and then in that moment I'll know she did it to herself, and deep down her hurt always hurts me.

I'm just hurt that I tried my best and life treated me like sh!t.

I'm just a hurt soul looking for something more in this world.

I'm just a sucker that fell in love and I lost.

Thank you for reading.

[love4meNOTu]

mellow-

What's more important right now? Staying in the sorrow and feeling horrible (keeping the memory of her alive) or beginning to heal, get better, and look forward to life again (accepting that she is gone).

Your choice my friend. I know you hurt, and I know it seems impossible to get over it. But you can, I have, and I've never loved anyone like I loved my xhwBPD. I literally thought I would die of sorrow, but I did not. I am here, and right now I want to help you wake up.

[Conundrum]

Really, one of the better places to start when you're in the grip of it all, is to self-acknowledge how much you're investing in your emotions, compared to how much you're neglecting your reason. Your emotions are so strong that they're compelling you to stay in bed and ruminate. Your emotions are depressed. Now the tasks that will empirically help to a certain degree, such as eating well, fresh air, exercise, hobbies, small pleasures, and some decent sleep--appear as impossible abstractions because emotions are consuming you.

Realistically, you can take care of yourself, during this hard time but emotion is destroying your motivation. So do it anyway, even when emotions are tugging you down, because the motivation of taking care of yourself (even when suffering from the severing of a deep attachment) is motivation enough. Dividends are earned by taking these small steps.

When emotions overwhelm, we become stuck in them, but you're neglecting your reason. Objectively, one's life does not become completely apocalyptic when a relationship terminates. We do that to ourselves. That's emotion making you feel that way. So pay more attention to your reason and let it balance out your overwhelming emotions. Reason says, that you have a job to do, and letting your emotions destroy your performance hurts YOU in the long run--not her. Reason says, that destroying your health by neglecting your physical well being hurts YOU in the long run--not her. You don't need massive emotional motivational reasons at this time to preserve yourself. They're not going to come yet. Reason should be your guide to get done what you need to do--and then set aside a time for your emotions. Letting them swirl into your daily life (whatever that is) without regulation, disables you. Let reason be your strength when emotions overwhelm. It is not shameful to be overwhelmed by emotion--we all have been in these situations. But allowing your reason to provide you with positive structure, will go a long way on the path towards regulating and healing your emotions.     

[love4meNOTu]

Bump... wanted to check on Mellow before I take a week break from the site.

Hugs to you mellow hope you are ok.

Lyn

[MellowOddFellow]

thank you love4 and everyone else for the encouragement, its been more than i could have asked for.

i went thru a couple recent events and even though i think i did good, im still trying to hold myself up, trying harder but i still often get the thoughts and feelings back. seeing someone to help me out next wed,  i was hoping itd make me feel better but i guess its still very recent.

trying to focus my energy more on my self. i still have some feelings like missing her, or the old ways i guess. guilt and doubt still roaming around but hopefully by next week ill have more grip on it.

im trying not to read so much about BPD now and shift to my own mind

thanks again and peace and love and happiness to everyone i know we can all use some

[Ironmanrises]

We know how you feel Mellow. I am 6 months NC and can still relate to that raw pain you describe. You were in a traumatic relationship. You are in the right place. Hang in there. 

[MellowOddFellow]

appreciated tons ironman, been getting tested a bit recently.

got some stuff back, clothes mostly. its amazing the power of the mind... . one familiar smell and it shoots you to a place so real... .

anyways it feels like im trying to regain my control over my mind, slowly retraining it. signed up for a gym so hopefully that helps me put mental and physical focus on me 

going to sleep now hope i dont dream of her 

thanks guys 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I love what you wrote, I think it was an accurate description of the aftermath felt by many partners of those suffering with BPD.  It has been hell for me, but I kept seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  I spent a lot of time and still don't get to spend as much time as I'd like in church.  I just go, sit in the pew, and cry.  Let yourself cry.  Those days are getting fewer and further between.  That is the single biggest thing that I've had to let go of, my male ego.  I'm hurt brother and so are you, cry.  Cry for the loss, for the love, and all of the things that were real.  What was real?  What you experienced, what you felt, even how she made you feel were all real.  She's ill and really isn't capable of doing "normal" things.  Her sudden and unexpected flip isn't because you did or didn't do something.  It's because that is how her brain works.  She herself isn't aware of the pain she causes and that is why she is able to slip in and out of the roles she has assigned herself. 

You're a real person, that's why you tear up over her.  Make your whole day about getting rid of her from your thoughts.  I recently started a new job and in a notebook on my desk I jotted down thoughts every day, just to put them out there.  They asked questions, made statements, and really helped me expel some of the garbage in my own mind.  I've used this site to help others and it helps me to heal as I help others do the same.  Finally take care of yourself.  Get sleep, eat well, take the time to care for yourself.  I knew I was getting better two weeks ago when I stopped at a church to meditate and they were locked up, I wept in my car in the parking lot, driving home only to keep crying in the kitchen.  Eventually I just kept saying, "Tom it will eventually be ok."  Choking those words out and realizing at the same time I believed them.  Cry man, weep for her and what you lost, let it out.  Once you do it will help you heal.  I think as men we lose our right to grieve as humans just cry and feel it all.  That's how you move on and find the best things in life that would have never been discovered without the immense challenges you're feeling.