Losing ALL control...

[arn131arn]

I think my ex is on the verge of losing it.   And sometimes during the week I believe I am, as well.  in 14 years we never have spent a month with NC.  I know she is still withmy replacement, and to tell you the truth, it doesn't bother me anymore.  

What bothers me is her emotional and physical well being.  I hear she is deteriorating and her white/black thinking is off the charts.  I know this has to do with me being NC, her new RS probably not working out like she had hoped (he wants nothing to do with my son, her running to him like a puppy dog, and probably feeling like she is being used for sex), and NOW the denouement of our child custody battle.

She has been in control for so long. In control  of me, our relationship, our son, and my reputation in our small suburb outside of ######.  

She has lost control of me when I went NC a month ago.  I haven't called or shown up at places where we could "talk", all that old behavior I have stopped giving her.

She is in a new RS with a very wealthy eternal bachelor, who I believe is using her for sex. Never picks her up, never has anything to do with my son, and doesn't go around her family.  She puts my son to bed and drives to his house and sleeps over, then gets up early and gets my son ready for school.  This doesn't sound like a man ready to settle down with all her baggage.  I've hired a PI to gather this information legally, so I can use it in court, if needed.  

She knows now that since I caught her x mas eve in his SUV, I would never come back... . she was hiding in the SUV, really? Own ur s**t, hell, I do.  

She is now losing the last thing she had control over with me, and that is my son.  The last 4 months she has alienated him from me.  I have pretty much worked out a 50/50 custody agreement with her dad that should be finalized by the end of this week.  It will be a consent judgement where any violation on her/me will be contempt of court.

Allot of people in our community have come to me and told me that they didn't believe a thing she said... . ever.  It makes my heart swell, knownig this.  Bc all these people that are saying this to me and my family, I always thought believed her.  She has lost one of her closest friends (ONE OF THE ONES SHE TRIANGULATED WITH).  I am starting to now look people in the eye.  I gues that's what happens when you are not there x mas morning to watch your son open x mas presents bc you slept at your replacement's house.  This could be the last year our son (8) believes in santa.

She hates when people talk about her, she is scared they are and some of them are.  She is ashamed bc she went outside the family while making up lies of abuse about me.  She is phsically ravaged.  Breakouts on her face, and weight deterioating.  Constant mood swings daily with my mother.  Last week, she got along great with her, now this week she is refusing my mother rights to see my son on my mom's birthday.  Maybe the last chance at control before we sign the custody papers.

Oh, and she still cannot afford to move out of her siter's house, which is starting to turn her own family against her, which I hear is causing her sister's marriage to be at jeopardy.  Today, again I feel empathy for that little 5 year girl whose dad that she loved so much abandoned her... . that 5 year old girl with the little boy haircut... . it's sad because they can't get help, and when they do, they often never get better (this is what I read, not a fact).  And today I feel sad for her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi arn-

I'm sorry she, and you, are going through that.  Sounds like she's going through more stress and change than she's seen in a while, triggering,, and she's got more to follow with your impending court stuff.  All of that could be the good news.  I liken it to alcoholism, where every drunk must hit bottom to find the humility and self honesty to sincerely look for and ask for help.  Maybe these will be the events and this the time that brings her to her knees, and motivates her to seek the kind of help that will really help.  And all the learning and growing that you've been doing lately here can only help, since you will have a better understanding of what's going on. 

Here's hoping good will come of it, and take care of you!

[arn131arn]

Thanks, heel.

I guess I'm in that empathy stage again... . you know, I amd angry, then fearful, then empathize.  MAYBE I HAVE BPD!

Anyway, I think of her having sex with my replacement and I'm not even angry anymore... . sad that that is what her life has turned into.

It's not even about him... . it's about his potential.  She's got everything she wants in that relationship, except the middle aged man... . so sad.

[laelle]

Good Stuff Arn!  Sounds like your "getting" it!

Stop passing the blame to her new partner and see her as a whole woman.  No splitting her bad side and blaming it on her new relationship.

She is not the innocent crazy who got involved with a narcissist.  She is the full grow woman who drops her child off every nite to sleep with a man who has questionable

motives.  She is to blame for her mistakes.  She is to blame for what she misses out on in life.  She is the one who has questionable priorities.  He is just a pawn in her play, not the other way around.  He may be all those things you say, but she "needs" all those things for her play to continue.

If she looks and feels bad it is because of the choices that she has been making in her life.  She needs to live up to them, but you cant force her to.  You can only do your best to protect yourself and your son from those choices.

 Laelle

[arn131arn]

Good Stuff Arn!  Sounds like your "getting" it!

Stop passing the blame to her new partner and see her as a whole woman.  No splitting her bad side and blaming it on her new relationship.

She is not the innocent crazy who got involved with a narcissist.  She is the full grow woman who drops her child off every nite to sleep with a man who has questionable

motives.  She is to blame for her mistakes.  She is to blame for what she misses out on in life.  She is the one who has questionable priorities.  He is just a pawn in her play, not the other way around.  He may be all those things you say, but she "needs" all those things for her play to continue. If she looks and feels bad it is because of the choices that she has been making in her life.  She needs to live up to them, but you cant force her to.  You can only do your best to protect yourself and your son from those choices.

 Laelle

Laelle,

Not to smart on the phsychological stuff.  Actually an "alpha redneck" is what she called me; but what do you mean by this if you don't mind me asking?

[laelle]

She has a "core self" and her ego is wrapped around it.

Her new guy, you and all the intimate relationships in her life are a character in her play of life, and she needs you to fill a certain part in it.

Her "core self" plays the same movie over and over again in the back ground while her ego spirals out of control trying to "manage the pain" that is being sent by that core (the movie it is playing.)  

Her actions are a result of that.

Her ego (most of the time) has no clue that she is making these bad decisions based on "faulty" information.  (poor executive control, twisted thinking, damage defense mechanism) CORE self issues... . so nothing changes but the actors in the play.  The ending will always end in abandoning because "abandon" is the name of her movie.

If she was able to get some help and realize that she has core problems from her past affecting her as an adult woman, there is hope that she could change the play to one that ends in self love and a happy ever after.

You can not do this for her.  She has to have the   moment and make the commitment to do something about it.

To put the focus back on yourself... . you are not BPD, you now know that you have CORE issues that are affecting your life as a grown man, and you have the ability to address those and change your movie.  She, if she is BPD, can not sustain the need to address her issues for change long enough to be effective.

Dont get discouraged!  You are doing fantastic!  

[arn131arn]

She has a "core self" and her ego is wrapped around it.

Her new guy, you and all the intimate relationships in her life are a character in her play of life, and she needs you to fill a certain part in it.

Her "core self" plays the same movie over and over again in the back ground while her ego spirals out of control trying to "manage the pain" that is being sent by that core (the movie it is playing.)  

Her actions are a result of that.

Her ego (most of the time) has no clue that she is making these bad decisions based on "faulty" information.  (poor executive control, twisted thinking, damage defense mechanism) CORE self issues... . so nothing changes but the actors in the play.  The ending will always end in abandoning because "abandon" is the name of her movie.

If she was able to get some help and realize that she has core problems from her past affecting her as an adult woman, there is hope that she could change the play to one that ends in self love and a happy ever after.

You can not do this for her.  She had to have the   moment and make the commitment to do something about it.


Laelle,

L

Arn

Laelle, I love your posts, but this one made my brain implode.  PM the cliff notes will ya?

Arn

[Lady31]

LMBO you two!

Laelle's synopsis = BAM.  Exactly.

[laelle]

Oops, Sorry I confused you Arn... .

She has pain deep (CORE) within herself that she can not address.  In her constant struggle to keep that pain from coming to the surface, she has set up some horrible coping skills. The behavior you see in her are those maladaptive and immature coping skills in action.

She will not stop those behaviors until she addresses the deep pain. She can not address the deep pain because her coping skills are hard wired into her and have "locked her out" from the good skills she needs to change that behavior... . empathy, sustained emotions, self love, love for others, etc...

So she keeps playing the same (core issues) play over and over and nothing changes but the names and the faces.

I hope that made a little more sense...

Sleep well.

[arn131arn]

LMBO you two!

Laelle's synopsis = BAM.  Exactly.

Like Chef Emeril, "BAM?"

[Changingman]

I know no one has done this to me but her. Sometimes I still get angry with the replacement joining in with the abuse ( infidelity ), but he has been corrupted by her.

It's hard to accept even if the replacement is a tu*d, it is still facilitated by her. The odd nonRS is compounded by all the odd nonRSs they have/had. Crazyland has a set of characters, like OZ, I suddenly saw it in the aftermath. I was one of them. Many of them have something or other to be a character in the 'play'. It's not worth trying to get any sense from them. Her 'best friend' ( ha ) is as crazy as her. They often flock together because it normalises the crazy.


I have had to look at why I was there, that's a toughie.

I think I was part of the 'cover' for her crazy and I liked the adrenaline buzz, Mum etc.

This is no No Fun.

Follow the yellow brick road

A heart, a brain, courage, get home.

[fromheeltoheal]

Laelle's play metaphor is excellent.  To expand on it, arn look at what role you play in her play, her movie, her life, however you want to put it.  You seem to have been the caretaker for a long time, and you are having those urges now; that role you play is a result of your movie playing in your head, and the two of you have had a double feature that was in the same theater for a long time.

Metaphors have limits, but think about it this way: if you were filling the caretaker role for a long time, meaning it was your job in the relationship to take care of her, and you've now abandoned her, what she was convinced would happen the whole time has happened, so she's scrambling looking for a new person to fill that role.  Notice also you have done what her father did, so in her head the same pattern played out.  This new guy may be a caretaker, may not, but it is required the way she's wired to have one, and if he won't fill that role their relationship won't last.  It may also be required the way you're wired to have someone to take care of.  BTW, being needy to you is a way to control you, which you may be able to relate to.

Best bet to take care of you is to look at your need to take care of, fix, rescue, how that fit into your relationship, and how you got your needs met that way.  You mention you're an 'alpha redneck', and taking care of a woman is a man's job, I get it, although when the woman has a personality disorder that dynamic gets pretty skewed. 

Anyway, my thoughts, take what you need and leave the rest, and take care of you!

[State85]

Hey Arn,

I've been reading your posts on here since I started. Always insightful, and you've helped me a lot. I've kinda seen you go up and down here lately, but remember times when you were adamate about focusing on your son... . Don't lose that focus now, not for his sake.

Stay strong Arn!

[winston72]

Terrific thread!  Thank you Arn for your candid comments and HtoH, Laelle and ChangingMan and State85 for your insightful and encouraging posts.

When I read the summary of personal history for Arn's ex, and then the account of her current situation, I have a strong desire to run in and fix it.  Yikes!  Gee, any clues here to my inner self?

When Arn describes her family (should put that one in quotes!) of origin (maybe FOC, Family Of Chaos would be better?), my mind immediately thinks that a good man offering consistent love would guide her to a better life.  Man, this white knight, rescuer syndrome is blinding.  Even as I type this it makes perfect sense to me why this must be true.  I am going to chew through my thoughts and feelings on this one. 

So, Arn, I sympathize with you.  And when HtoH and Laelle commented, it makes sense to me that your empathetic muscles are firing here... . this would be a situation where you would rise above it all and be there for her.  In a sense, you ability to move beyond her infidelity and still have urges to be there for her is part of that drive.  I know that in my mind I was proving my love for my ex demonstrating selfless commitment by being able to withstand pain and abuse for the sake of "us" or her welfare. 

She does seem to be in a fast spin toward more chaos.  As State affirmed, the best path here is to focus on the welfare of your son and yourself.  I think it will be easy to gain insight by thinking of what is best for your son because it is the process of looking after the welfare of another before yourself!  In this case it fits the facts, but obviously you need to be defining your own limits and goals.

[arn131arn]

Damn, ya'll. I really appreciate it. It makes total sense. But "I" want to be that white knight in shiny armor. Not the millionaire... . damn this is sick, huh?

[fromheeltoheal]

Damn, ya'll. I really appreciate it. It makes total sense. But "I" want to be that white knight in shiny armor. Not the millionaire... . damn this is sick, huh?

No, not sick at all, and it's what we've been alluding to.  Although play it out a little: in the fantasy where the white knight in shining armor rescues the damsel in distress, they ride off into the sunset happily ever after.  The problem with that is in the fantasy the 'distress' was the evil dude keeping her locked up in the castle or whatever; in the case of a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, the 'distress' is between her ears and will come with her, and most importantly, you can't fix it, there is no knight chivalrous and gallant enough to fix it; you've known her for a long time, and maybe you can relate?

BTW, the knight in shiny armor hasn't seen any action yet; maybe the battle-tested knight in armor what is banged up, dented, and dirty would be more of a stud?

[laelle]

Damn, ya'll. I really appreciate it. It makes total sense. But "I" want to be that white knight in shiny armor. Not the millionaire... . damn this is sick, huh?

No, not sick at all, and it's what we've been alluding to.  Although play it out a little: in the fantasy where the white knight in shining armor rescues the damsel in distress, they ride off into the sunset happily ever after.  The problem with that is in the fantasy the 'distress' was the evil dude keeping her locked up in the castle or whatever; in the case of a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, the 'distress' is between her ears and will come with her, and most importantly, you can't fix it, there is no knight chivalrous and gallant enough to fix it; you've known her for a long time, and maybe you can relate?

BTW, the knight in shiny armor hasn't seen any action yet; maybe the battle-tested knight in armor what is banged up, dented, and dirty would be more of a stud?

Soo True!

We think that "giving" of ourselves will reap the benefit of being the "hero", winning their love and healing their boo boo's. 

We want them to see us as hero's but they will always end up as seeing us as "suckers" for loving them.  If you hate yourself,  you can not appreciate the love that someone offers you.  I wish our love was a magic pill, but its not.

[myself]

There will always be more distress, can't save anyone but yourself.

[Perfidy]

Damn, ya'll. I really appreciate it. It makes total sense. But "I" want to be that white knight in shiny armor. Not the millionaire... . damn this is sick, huh?

Understandable, but yes.

[arn131arn]

I think my role was the caretaker. I think that's why she is still living at her sister's while shacking up at my replacement's every night.

She can't be alone.  Makes me feel sick.

But I hope for once this added stress/triggering will lead her to bottom out

[State85]

I understand about her not wanting to be alone. When I was in the rs with my exgf, I cannot think of one night that she was actually alone at her house through the night. even now, I'm sure she isn't. Ya, it hurts.  She would manipulate me by making up some wild crazy excuse, totally bogus reason, why I should come out. It's crazy.

Stay strong Arn... .

[Perfidy]

I think my role was the caretaker. I think that's why she is still living at her sister's while shacking up at my replacement's every night.

She can't be alone.  Makes me feel sick.

But I hope for once this added stress/triggering will lead her to bottom out

Arn... Try not to take this so personal. Relationships are survival tactics for her. You don't want that. You want a partner that can survive on their own. One that will not drag you down. One with their own identity and sense of self. One that you don't have to take care of because they can take care of themselves so you can take care of YOU. Major disfunction in the care-taking behavior. It would take south unbending will to improve this from both you and her. It's not realistic to expect this to get any better. All you can do is get past it. It's hard. I feel for you.