Breaking New Ground - Mentally

[Happy1]

Hi all, haven't posted here in a long long while, but felt the need to share.

My story goes back more than 20 yrs. Tonight I caught a link on FB that lead me back to my exBPDgf's FB page. I probably shouldn't have looked, but I did. Here's what happened and how I felt:

So, initially looking at the images of her with her husband and family living the "perfect" existence in a small coastal New England town and it made me very sad all over again (as thinking about her always does). I was thinking, "What about me... ? How come all of those things we loved to share and talk about never could have happened with me? And, why does it work out that "Mr. Wonderful" whom she left me for... ? And, really was HE the one?" Etc.

The kids looked great that they had produced, they've restored an older home and appear to have built a great life together and with their family. I pondered why isn't there an acception to all of this posted wonderfulness... .

Then after a few minutes of feeling cheated and sad. I thought, remember how terrible she treated you. How manipulative she was. How she not only cheated on you, but others too and how driven she was to get everything just as she expected it to be delivered to her in life. Remember, the cost of all of that to yourself and how terrible she made you feel and how screwed up you were when you left and went NC. Also, remember that she did not leave you, but that you left her, even though it was the hardest thing you've ever done and you still haven't found a feeling for love from someone like her since, that it was you, that left because if you hadn't you'd have been dead long ago. Remember, all of the cheating and the lies, the twisted sense of reality. Also, remember all of the disfunction and the inner secrets you discovered and witnessed about her and/or she told you either directly or indirectly. Remember stories of her screwed up childhood. Remember, her staring into mirrors, acting strange and dissociative episodes (even though you had no idea then what you were witnessing). Think about all of the insight you've gleaned about BPD and come to understand about her and yourself and the gift that has been. As well, think about when she posts on her FB page that 20 anniversary photo of her and her husband with the comment, "19 years baby and you're still the love of my life." what that really means for both him and yourself. When assessing and looking at all of the apparent "wonderfulness" in her life, what the cost has been to others, and what a false facade it really is as she did much of the same sorts of things when the two of us were together as well to portray to the outside world a normal well adjusted individual. Do you really thing things are that wonder or have changed that much just because life has progressed and pressed forward? That last question is always the one that I struggle with the most, but later upon reflection come back down to earth with.

I also learned that it's okay that the pain doesn't go away. It's what keeps the whole thing real, even if there is always a little there we never resolve. Maybe it's not a good idea to look back to see how they weaved their way forward in life, but if you choose to, it must be done with perspective. Both are lessons to me tonight as I sit and ponder all of this.

There's a part of me that still lingers in that relationship and time. And, coming to grips with the fact that if that is so, that it will be okay not only moving forward, but not to feel guilty that I've not let it all go entirely, but to rapidly reassess what transpired between us, with brutal honesty and not fantasy. Like everyone else here, I felt so confident, in love and assured at that time, but at the same time, I was never more distraught, anxious or affected in such a negative way as I was when I was with her. What I feel myself longing for is not all of this with her, but for the same "fantasy" she'd been able to carefully construct and display to the rest of the world that she has. I wish I could make my life look so picture perfect and ideal. But I can't and that's okay. It says a lot about my recovery I think.