New Beginnings

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello all,

How do I summarise this most emotionally draining experience in a few words?

I will at least try.

I met my ex wife in November 2001.

Our Son was born in 2003.

I married my ex wife 6 months after our child was born.

It has been an extremely emotionally draining relationship from the moment I met my ex wife.

I separated from her March 2010.

The divorce was finalised in April 2012.

I went to a clinical psychologist after I separated to discuss my pain and confusion.

the psychologist who I visited on a number of occasions said that its highly likely that my ex wife suffers from BPD. At this stage I had not heard of the disorder.

Since then I have read the eggshells book and read so much about it on the internet.

My ex has demonstrated all the criteria for BPD, except she doesn't demonstrate any items from the 'impulsivity' section.

She is high functioning & very intelligent, with a very good career job.

Since I have separated from my ex wife, we have spent time together with my son on a number of occasions. (these periods generally lasted weeks, sometimes months). the most recent and hopefully the last was the longest period, i.e.5 months.

Each time I felt strong hope that we would work things out.

and the Sundays we spent together were mostly very pleasant.

I was also in a committed relationship for almost a year prior to this most recent 5 month turmoil.

This particular lady was extremely nice to me, very kind and completely opposite my ex wife. Even my family had really warmed to her, which they don't easily do.

However, I broke up with her, because my heart and mind was still with my ex wife and child.

My family and a lot of my friends and relatives think I am nuts to even think about going back after the poor relationship I had with my ex wife.

I have realised with me that 'Making a decision and sticking to it' makes me feel much better then being indecisive, its even better then making the wrong decision.

And I have spent so much time being indecisive about whether or not to go back and try again or to commit or to leave. it has really drained me.

Now I have  made a decision to move on with my life and just be there for my son.

That's another thing, I had to take my ex wife to court on 2 occasions because she refused child access; after I met my ex girlfriend, she didn't allow me to see my son for almost 5 months to punish me; this hurt badly.

Fortunately, when we went back to court, the judge was very upset with her for clearly doing the wrong thing.

The former matrimonial home is in her name only now as I agreed to give her the house as all I wanted was reasonable access to my son.

My son lives with my ex wife in that home.

I said to my ex wife just recently that I would be willing to move back with her and my son and share the bills; she could then work less hours which she would like and we would be together.

But she never compromises to make things a little easier for me, in fact she has done nothing to help our relationship.

She said the only way she would take me back is if I bought my own property and we all move in together. She would then lease her property furnished and I pay for all expenses associated with that home. she said that is the only way I know you will stay committed and wont give up.

She has said many times, if I could guarantee you will be with us forever, I will take you back. Problem is every time I get close to her and see a future, each and every time she finds a way to upset me.

I have moved on before, only to look back and get sucked in again.

I need advice on how to commit to this decision once and for all and find some long overdue peace of mind.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

[selling1]

Hello all,

How do I summarise this most emotionally draining experience in a few words?

I will at least try.

I met my ex wife in November 2001.

Our Son was born in 2003.

I married my ex wife 6 months after our child was born.

It has been an extremely emotionally draining relationship from the moment I met my ex wife.

I separated from her March 2010.

The divorce was finalised in April 2012.

I went to a clinical psychologist after I separated to discuss my pain and confusion.

the psychologist who I visited on a number of occasions said that its highly likely that my ex wife suffers from BPD. At this stage I had not heard of the disorder.

Since then I have read the eggshells book and read so much about it on the internet.

My ex has demonstrated all the criteria for BPD, except she doesn't demonstrate any items from the 'impulsivity' section.

She is high functioning & very intelligent, with a very good career job.

Since I have separated from my ex wife, we have spent time together with my son on a number of occasions. (these periods generally lasted weeks, sometimes months). the most recent and hopefully the last was the longest period, i.e.5 months.

Each time I felt strong hope that we would work things out.

and the Sundays we spent together were mostly very pleasant.

I was also in a committed relationship for almost a year prior to this most recent 5 month turmoil.

This particular lady was extremely nice to me, very kind and completely opposite my ex wife. Even my family had really warmed to her, which they don't easily do.

However, I broke up with her, because my heart and mind was still with my ex wife and child.

My family and a lot of my friends and relatives think I am nuts to even think about going back after the poor relationship I had with my ex wife.

I have realised with me that 'Making a decision and sticking to it' makes me feel much better then being indecisive, its even better then making the wrong decision.

And I have spent so much time being indecisive about whether or not to go back and try again or to commit or to leave. it has really drained me.

Now I have  made a decision to move on with my life and just be there for my son.

That's another thing, I had to take my ex wife to court on 2 occasions because she refused child access; after I met my ex girlfriend, she didn't allow me to see my son for almost 5 months to punish me; this hurt badly.

Fortunately, when we went back to court, the judge was very upset with her for clearly doing the wrong thing.

The former matrimonial home is in her name only now as I agreed to give her the house as all I wanted was reasonable access to my son.

My son lives with my ex wife in that home.

I said to my ex wife just recently that I would be willing to move back with her and my son and share the bills; she could then work less hours which she would like and we would be together.

But she never compromises to make things a little easier for me, in fact she has done nothing to help our relationship.

She said the only way she would take me back is if I bought my own property and we all move in together. She would then lease her property furnished and I pay for all expenses associated with that home. she said that is the only way I know you will stay committed and wont give up.

She has said many times, if I could guarantee you will be with us forever, I will take you back. Problem is every time I get close to her and see a future, each and every time she finds a way to upset me.

I have moved on before, only to look back and get sucked in again.

I need advice on how to commit to this decision once and for all and find some long overdue peace of mind.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

[arn131arn]

financial and emotional blackmail... . nough said

It's so many areas of wrong here.\

Arn

[Lady31]

Just do it.  I mean, how else can you do it?  I think the only way to move on is to seriously commit to living your life apart from her, as in, none of this family unit time.  Maybe that will help more... . but in the end, you still have to just do it.  Nothing is going to make you.  I know - I don't have any better advice than that.  You are not at a place where you want to let the hope die - and that is the core issue.  If you ARE in that place - then that is the first step - letting the hope die. 

Why would you even consider going back if she has made no effort to get help?

Also, what is the difference with the "new" home?  Like you can't move out of that one too?  Not meant to be answered I guess - more to show her still very deranged thinking.  If you really don't want to give up on this relationship yet - why don't you "counter offer" the therapy suggestion as a prerequisite for her offer?  Then if she really follows through over the course of a decent amount of time and starts improving you can then both readdress the "offers" on the table.

Or - then again - you could just move on.

[fromheeltoheal]

She has said many times, if I could guarantee you will be with us forever, I will take you back. Problem is every time I get close to her and see a future, each and every time she finds a way to upset me.

I have moved on before, only to look back and get sucked in again.

That's what someone who fears abandonment the most wants, a guarantee.  A guarantee that you won't leave, but also the right to do whatever she wants and not take responsibility for her half of the relationship.  Sounds like a one sided deal to me.

You've known her for a long time, and you know if you're getting the basics: can you trust her?  Does she treat you with respect?  Is it possible to problem-solve like two adults and move towards resolutions?  Is there any reason to believe anything will be different between you regardless of circumstances?

You already know the answers to those questions, and like Lady says, if you decide the relationship won't work, the only thing left is to end it.  That will hurt and you've got a son together so you will need ongoing contact with her on some level.  The focus then needs to shift from her to you, as you discover why you are still attracted to someone who can't/won't meet your needs on a sustainable basis.  Lots of work to do there, but there is no more important work; take care of you!

[selling1]

Thank you all for your helpful replies.

I forgot to mention that the psychologist I was seeing said that I suffer from emotional deprivation. (this makes my decision making every more difficult).

I am still committed to my decision to finally move on with my life even though my ex BPD wife today tried to be very pleasant again and hinted to start being intimate again (she has always used sex as a weapon); I said to her you had the last 5 months since we have been committed trying to making the relationship work to be intimate and you offer now when I am moving forward with my life.

She always does that, she did this again the initial stages of our last 5 month stint, then suddenly stopped intimacy soon after she became nasty again, saying she will only be intimate with me again once she knows I am 100% committed in the relationship which includes buying my own home for my son and her to move in with me. she also made it clear recently that she will not contribute to my house expenses or living expenses at all if I bought a home (which I could barely afford anyway at the moment, especially since the current property market is the strongest in history). she added by saying that she would just pay for her expenses and half of our Childs expenses. if other things were normal, I may have considered this, but not under these circumstances. so many other obstacles in this emotionally draining path. I felt proud today that I didn't get sucked in again, furthermore i spent quality time with my son today without feeling guilty, which I used to do before when I tried to move on. (its only day 3 though since I mad a decision to move forward, so early days, but certainly feel more confident about my decision this time.

I have learned so much about myself through this ordeal; its nothing like divorcing a partner with BPD to force you to have a good hard look at yourself and in turn make changes for the better. Sometimes facing things about oneself and also family that would be easier to ignore.

God knows I am far from perfect, but have suffered enough since being involved in this relationship since November 2001.

I think for myself and i assume a lot of other people suffering the same way in a toxic relationship that the hardest part is to make a committed decision one way or another as the indecisiveness causes the most pain. I often feel its better to commit to the wrong decision rather then be stuck in limbo.

[selling1]

It has been almost a week now since I made a decision to move forward with my life.

However, for the first time as far back as I can remember, my ex wife is telling me she is willing to compromise.

I have known her for over 12 years and this is the first time I can remember that she is discussing compromising, instead of buying a property to show my so called commitment, she is now saying that she would be fine if I found a suitable rental property and we move in together with my 10 year old son.

She is also saying we can be intimate again after saying the last 2 months that she didn't want to be intimate again until I committed to purchasing a home and moving in together.

I promised my son the last few months that I wouldn't give this time and would be there for him and his mother. I constantly remind him he is the only person in the world that I love unconditionally and will always love unconditionally.

This is the first time, as far back as I can remember, that she is actually chasing me and trying to make things work. Until very recently it was always me trying to make things work, without any assistance at all on her end.

I must say this feels pretty good for a change, but probably too good to be true.

One good thing about my ex wife is that she has always been loyal and faithful to me and a very caring and loving mother my son (besides restricting access to my son a number of times after we separated in march 2010).

Because I have come so far and endured this madness for so many years, do you think its a good idea to see this last chapter through to possibly pull off a miracle in this relationship?

[santa]

It has been almost a week now since I made a decision to move forward with my life.

However, for the first time as far back as I can remember, my ex wife is telling me she is willing to compromise.

I have known her for over 12 years and this is the first time I can remember that she is discussing compromising, instead of buying a property to show my so called commitment, she is now saying that she would be fine if I found a suitable rental property and we move in together with my 10 year old son.

She is also saying we can be intimate again after saying the last 2 months that she didn't want to be intimate again until I committed to purchasing a home and moving in together.

I promised my son the last few months that I wouldn't give this time and would be there for him and his mother. I constantly remind him he is the only person in the world that I love unconditionally and will always love unconditionally.

This is the first time, as far back as I can remember, that she is actually chasing me and trying to make things work. Until very recently it was always me trying to make things work, without any assistance at all on her end.

I must say this feels pretty good for a change, but probably too good to be true.

One good thing about my ex wife is that she has always been loyal and faithful to me and a very caring and loving mother my son (besides restricting access to my son a number of times after we separated in march 2010).

Because I have come so far and endured this madness for so many years, do you think its a good idea to see this last chapter through to possibly pull off a miracle in this relationship?

LOL... . probably not... . but you should do it anyway. Why not, right? What's the worst that could happen? As long as she isn't violent and isn't going to be pressing false charges against you to get you arrested, you may as well give this a shot. She seems harmless. Maybe it'll work out.

If not, at least you'll know you gave it a good effort.

Now that you're 12 years in, what's another year or two?

I'm skeptical about whether or not she's actually going to cooperate with you or if she's just saying this to manipulate you. I'm leaning toward just to manipulate you. Either way, just do enough to where if it doesn't work out, at least you can say you're satisfied with your effort. That's all you can do, right?

[fromheeltoheal]

Because I have come so far and endured this madness for so many years, do you think its a good idea to see this last chapter through to possibly pull off a miracle in this relationship?

Not if she's truly borderline. You've been taking steps lately that are father than you've gone before and she's sensing it as abandonment, the worst thing that can happen. It's the push/pull nature of the disorder, she will pursue you to get rid of the feelings of abandonment, until she knows she has you again, and then it will be back to what you're used to. It would literally take a miracle, or long term specialized therapy, to have a different outcome.

[santa]

I should probably recant my earlier advice.

Your best move is probably just to ignore her.

[myself]

It has been almost a week now since I made a decision to move forward with my life.

However, for the first time as far back as I can remember, my ex wife is telling me she is willing to compromise.

This is the first time, as far back as I can remember, that she is actually chasing me and trying to make things work.

I must say this feels pretty good for a change, but probably too good to be true.

Because I have come so far and endured this madness for so many years, do you think its a good idea to see this last chapter through to possibly pull off a miracle in this relationship?

She used to pull away, and you chased after her. Now you pull away and she chases you. What happens when you catch each other? That's where the answer is. Not the illusions. The reality of it.

I went as far as I could with the r/s because I was committed to her. I also didn't want to look back and see I hadn't done enough. I wanted to leave no stone unturned. Every time I turned one over, what was underneath got exposed to the light. I saw the truth. That helped me, but not the r/s.

A last chapter is what you make of it. This could be the time you see it for what it is instead of wondering. That said, it's a miracle to pull off a miracle, and usually unlikely.