Did this happen to anyone else?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My dad always told me "If someone thinks they need to tell you how smart they are, then they're not!"

Because they're obviously not smart enough to realise that you are smart enough to see their intelligence for yourself!




So, now then... .

Whenever my ex was running out of the relationship she would always bombard me with text messages telling me how great she is. Messages telling me quite clearly that she has lots of friends, a job she loves, her own home, car etc. Messages detailing how much love she has to give & that I couldn't reciprocate it. Loads & loads of pumping herself up!

Then the messages would continue to tell me how she was 'sorted' and that she can look at herself & is comfortable with herself & continually working on herself etc.

All basically 'I am great'.

Usually ending up with a final text about how she hoped I would face my demons one day & be a better man for my next partner!

Did anyone else experience this as their pwBPD was running into the sunset?

[Moonie75]

My dad always told me "If someone thinks they need to tell you how smart they are, then they're not!"

Because they're obviously not smart enough to realise that you are smart enough to see their intelligence for yourself!




So, now then... .

Whenever my ex was running out of the relationship she would always bombard me with text messages telling me how great she is. Messages telling me quite clearly that she has lots of friends, a job she loves, her own home, car etc. Messages detailing how much love she has to give & that I couldn't reciprocate it. Loads & loads of pumping herself up!

Then the messages would continue to tell me how she was 'sorted' and that she can look at herself & is comfortable with herself & continually working on herself etc.

All basically 'I am great'.

Usually ending up with a final text about how she hoped I would face my demons one day & be a better man for my next partner!

Did anyone else experience this as their pwBPD was running into the sunset?

[Turkish]

 oh yeah.  the self validation, goes along with the constant posting of selfies.  Mine even said she was a woman of character and I  was not, .

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex was telling me how awesome she was from day one.  I bought it for a while, and since I went into the relationship wanting her to 'save' me, it was actually a good thing that she was so awesome.  My favorite was the time she asked me "what are you going to do when I get famous?"  Well, the truth was I would trust her even less than I already did, but I actually believed she was on a path to become not only famous and rich, but adored by the masses because she was so awesome.  Whatever, I was being idealized, high as hell, willing to believe whatever she said.

But over time I learned that I was the one she thought was awesome, she didn't measure up, and she had to go over the top with her version of herself to keep from being engulfed and feeling less than.  The really pathetic thing was the way she stuck to the fantasy in the face of copious evidence to the contrary, and the painful part, now that I had let all boundaries down because I was in 'love', was she had all kinds of ammunition to use against my self esteem, and that was Plan B: tear me down while she was building herself up, so maybe she could measure up and stay in control.  Ouch!  Just typing that hurts, no wonder I bailed with what was left of my sanity.

[broken but not beaten]

I can relate moonie... . mine would put pictures in her profile showing her having a fantastic time. Telling me how fabulous everything is and I should be grateful for our relationship,that I had everything in front of me but couldn't see it(projection) perhaps?                      Anyway reality is quite different... . after a few drinks last night I was overcome with anger and told her some home truths which I regretted and apologised for... the reality is her life is awful... . she looks as though she's having a meltdown and physical ailments... . panic attacks,stomach cramps are returning. I feel sorry for her and it pulled at my heart strings tbh... . to sum it up I believe deep inside they are empty and sad... . hence the need to portray such happiness

[broken but not beaten]

Just to add to turkish's comment on selfies... . it was ridiculous the amount of pics she took... . I mean in 7 monts I had over 500 pics of her... . she was always on fb or instagram seeking validation and admiration whoever it was from... . its sad and I do have empathy

[Ironmanrises]

Mine was "personally developing". And since all her enablers/sycophants were applauding this fake facade of destruction, she portrayed it even more as devaluation progressed towards me into the second discard. I observed 3 months of this ___. Hell wouldn't even begin to describe the enormity and brutality of it, on me. She has no self, just a fragment of selves, and was "personally developing"; the sheer irony of that.

[myself]

The more I look at it, I see my ex felt better about herself when she knew she hurt me. It was a way for her to feel in control. She couldn't come up to my level so she did what she could to bring me down to hers. She told me many times she had her sh!t together more than me, especially when breaking up. Trying to rub my face in something that wasn't true. She can cross me off the list of what she has.

[State85]

She can cross me off the list of what she has.

Myself,

I love that line "She can cross me off the list of what she has."

[DownandOut]

My ex was telling me how awesome she was from day one.  I bought it for a while, and since I went into the relationship wanting her to 'save' me, it was actually a good thing that she was so awesome.  My favorite was the time she asked me "what are you going to do when I get famous?"  Well, the truth was I would trust her even less than I already did, but I actually believed she was on a path to become not only famous and rich, but adored by the masses because she was so awesome.  Whatever, I was being idealized, high as hell, willing to believe whatever she said.

But over time I learned that I was the one she thought was awesome, she didn't measure up, and she had to go over the top with her version of herself to keep from being engulfed and feeling less than.  The really pathetic thing was the way she stuck to the fantasy in the face of copious evidence to the contrary, and the painful part, now that I had let all boundaries down because I was in 'love', was she had all kinds of ammunition to use against my self esteem, and that was Plan B: tear me down while she was building herself up, so maybe she could measure up and stay in control.  Ouch!  Just typing that hurts, no wonder I bailed with what was left of my sanity.

Again, right on the head H2H! Except, I was the one boosting her up wanting her to feel as good about herself as I felt. When she started her own business, and we hadn't spoken in a while, she called me to tell me that she'd finally done it. She'd finally started the business she talked about throughout Round 1 of our r/s. My first words, "I'm proud of you." 2 months later we were together again. More of the same confidence boosting from my end and then came the emasculation of me from her end. THe reality was, if she did have faith in herself and she didn't sell herself short and destroy every relationship she had, she could have done big things. She still might do big things, but it will only be a distraction to cover up the hurt she suffers from daily.  

[DownandOut]

The more I look at it, I see my ex felt better about herself when she knew she hurt me. It was a way for her to feel in control. She couldn't come up to my level so she did what she could to bring me down to hers. She told me many times she had her sh!t together more than me, especially when breaking up. Trying to rub my face in something that wasn't true. She can cross me off the list of what she has.

Mine had the gall to tell me, after I broke up with her, that I shouldn't worry "one day you will find someone and it will take." Isn't that condescending? As if I'm the one with the problem finding whatever I'm looking for in a r/s! And then to use the phrase "it will take" is extremely telling. She was a leech looking for a host. 

[Ironmanrises]

The more I look at it, I see my ex felt better about herself when she knew she hurt me. It was a way for her to feel in control. She couldn't come up to my level so she did what she could to bring me down to hers. She told me many times she had her sh!t together more than me, especially when breaking up. Trying to rub my face in something that wasn't true. She can cross me off the list of what she has.

Mine had the gall to tell me, after I broke up with her, that I shouldn't worry "one day you will find someone and it will take." Isn't that condescending? As if I'm the one with the problem finding whatever I'm looking for in a r/s! And then to use the phrase "it will take" is extremely telling. She was a leech looking for a host.  

She was projecting her inability to attach to someone properly onto you. Of course in her distorted mind, she can't have a problem, so it must be target number one, the person closest to them, which was you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Again, right on the head H2H! Except, I was the one boosting her up wanting her to feel as good about herself as I felt. When she started her own business, and we hadn't spoken in a while, she called me to tell me that she'd finally done it. She'd finally started the business she talked about throughout Round 1 of our r/s. My first words, "I'm proud of you." 2 months later we were together again. More of the same confidence boosting from my end and then came the emasculation of me from her end. THe reality was, if she did have faith in herself and she didn't sell herself short and destroy every relationship she had, she could have done big things. She still might do big things, but it will only be a distraction to cover up the hurt she suffers from daily.  

Interesting D&O.  We learn about Queen and Waif borderlines, two flavors of the same disorder, and there are others I can't remember right now.  Mine was definitely a Queen; control freak raging bhit was her default mode.  :)o you consider yours a Waif?  Curious if she raged, and you mention she was a leech looking for a hist.

[DownandOut]

The more I look at it, I see my ex felt better about herself when she knew she hurt me. It was a way for her to feel in control. She couldn't come up to my level so she did what she could to bring me down to hers. She told me many times she had her sh!t together more than me, especially when breaking up. Trying to rub my face in something that wasn't true. She can cross me off the list of what she has.

Mine had the gall to tell me, after I broke up with her, that I shouldn't worry "one day you will find someone and it will take." Isn't that condescending? As if I'm the one with the problem finding whatever I'm looking for in a r/s! And then to use the phrase "it will take" is extremely telling. She was a leech looking for a host. 

She was projecting her inability to attach to someone properly onto you. Of course in her distorted mind, she can't have a problem, so it must be target number one, the person closest to them, which was you.

Makes a lot of sense, Ironman. I have my problems in r/s and I'm the first to admit it, but for her to turn around and say that to me when IM BREAKING UP WITH HER and listing all the reasons why it really goes to show you how much these people are tone deaf to these emotional conversations that require empathy and understanding.

Again, right on the head H2H! Except, I was the one boosting her up wanting her to feel as good about herself as I felt. When she started her own business, and we hadn't spoken in a while, she called me to tell me that she'd finally done it. She'd finally started the business she talked about throughout Round 1 of our r/s. My first words, "I'm proud of you." 2 months later we were together again. More of the same confidence boosting from my end and then came the emasculation of me from her end. THe reality was, if she did have faith in herself and she didn't sell herself short and destroy every relationship she had, she could have done big things. She still might do big things, but it will only be a distraction to cover up the hurt she suffers from daily. 

Interesting D&O.  We learn about Queen and Waif borderlines, two flavors of the same disorder, and there are others I can't remember right now.  Mine was definitely a Queen; control freak raging bhit was her default mode.  Do you consider yours a Waif?  Curious if she raged, and you mention she was a leech looking for a hist.

Mine was 100% the Waif, however, I could see why she could also be considered a Queen as well. She was ALWAYS the victim and definitely a control-freak. I always propped her up because that's the kind of person I am, I love and support my SO. If she did something I was proud of or impressed by, I'd let her know, because I believe your SO should be one of the top people in your corner. She didn't rage that much. She was the kind of pwBPD that would suppress her rages because it was important to her to portray a level-head - I would get the silent treatment instead. Although, when I was getting the silent treatment and I tried to find out why she was being so quiet (usually something trivial), she once told me "I don't want to be mean so I stay quiet." Is that how an adult acts? Why would she have to be mean? Why couldn't we just talk it out? I've never seen any serious rages, but she also has said that she gets EXTREMELY angry and crazy and that I wouldn't want to be on the end of one of those fits. I mentioned on another board that she wanted to be a superhero. Sounds like she was the Hulk - "don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry."  good thing I didn't have to experience that.

[anewbeginning]

Absolutely Moonie... . I was normally the one running for the hills after something horrible happened and I would get anywhere from 50-200 texts over the next few days... . starting very angry and calling me names and telling me he hated me, to then saying he hopes I get help for MY issues. He says that his friends say he can't possibly be to blame for everything. He talks about all the work he is doing and how he is turning to his church... . that is of course after he talks about burning my belongings, calling my work to create drama, bad mouthing my kids and friends. He would make excuses for the horrible things he did or said, or the threats he made that had me running out of his house as fast as I could. As I write this I sit here and shake my head and think - why did I put up with this for so long?

[Ironmanrises]

The more I look at it, I see my ex felt better about herself when she knew she hurt me. It was a way for her to feel in control. She couldn't come up to my level so she did what she could to bring me down to hers. She told me many times she had her sh!t together more than me, especially when breaking up. Trying to rub my face in something that wasn't true. She can cross me off the list of what she has.

Mine had the gall to tell me, after I broke up with her, that I shouldn't worry "one day you will find someone and it will take." Isn't that condescending? As if I'm the one with the problem finding whatever I'm looking for in a r/s! And then to use the phrase "it will take" is extremely telling. She was a leech looking for a host. 

She was projecting her inability to attach to someone properly onto you. Of course in her distorted mind, she can't have a problem, so it must be target number one, the person closest to them, which was you.

Makes a lot of sense, Ironman. I have my problems in r/s and I'm the first to admit it, but for her to turn around and say that to me when IM BREAKING UP WITH HER and listing all the reasons why it really goes to show you how much these people are tone deaf to these emotional conversations that require empathy and understanding.

Again, right on the head H2H! Except, I was the one boosting her up wanting her to feel as good about herself as I felt. When she started her own business, and we hadn't spoken in a while, she called me to tell me that she'd finally done it. She'd finally started the business she talked about throughout Round 1 of our r/s. My first words, "I'm proud of you." 2 months later we were together again. More of the same confidence boosting from my end and then came the emasculation of me from her end. THe reality was, if she did have faith in herself and she didn't sell herself short and destroy every relationship she had, she could have done big things. She still might do big things, but it will only be a distraction to cover up the hurt she suffers from daily. 

Interesting D&O.  We learn about Queen and Waif borderlines, two flavors of the same disorder, and there are others I can't remember right now.  Mine was definitely a Queen; control freak raging bhit was her default mode.  Do you consider yours a Waif?  Curious if she raged, and you mention she was a leech looking for a hist.

Mine was 100% the Waif, however, I could see why she could also be considered a Queen as well. She was ALWAYS the victim and definitely a control-freak. I always propped her up because that's the kind of person I am, I love and support my SO. If she did something I was proud of or impressed by, I'd let her know, because I believe your SO should be one of the top people in your corner. She didn't rage that much. She was the kind of pwBPD that would suppress her rages because it was important to her to portray a level-head - I would get the silent treatment instead. Although, when I was getting the silent treatment and I tried to find out why she was being so quiet (usually something trivial), she once told me "I don't want to be mean so I stay quiet." Is that how an adult acts? Why would she have to be mean? Why couldn't we just talk it out? I've never seen any serious rages, but she also has said that she gets EXTREMELY angry and crazy and that I wouldn't want to be on the end of one of those fits. I mentioned on another board that she wanted to be a superhero. Sounds like she was the Hulk - "don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry."  good thing I didn't have to experience that.

She cannot self reflect because she lacks a coherent sense of self; her personality is a fragmented collection of selves that take scripted turns to appear forefront. I know how hurtful that is to experience. I heard all the same garbled nonsense from mine at the end of the "why." I doubt mine, like yours, actually heard the words that fell from their mouths. Hang in there my friend.

[sun seeker]

 Lol

The last  few worlds hat she said before I went n/c .

Her: im smarter than you.

Me: thats yet to be seen.

Her: i want a 50/50 r/s. (She had no job, no car)

Her: you can't take care of me.

Me: take care of you? Thats the total opposite of a 50 /50 r/s. I gotta go... .

No sense what's so ever... .

[Turkish]

She cannot self reflect because she lacks a coherent sense of self; her personality is a fragmented collection of selves that take scripted turns to appear forefront. I know how hurtful that is to experience. I heard all the same garbled nonsense from mine at the end of the "why." I doubt mine, like yours, actually heard the words that fell from their mouths. Hang in there my friend.

I came to this conclusion with mine as well. Reading some journal entries of hers, and stepping back and seeing how different she was in different situations confirmed this.

[loz1982]

Mine always was pointing out he bought me from rags to riches because he was more well off than me, I consider a relationship more rich when my emotional well being is looked after not my financial. Also I have to look at myself and my insecurities which I am getting help on but I would rather be insecure than chauvanistic, controlling and a bully. He thinks Im like a puppet to my parents always out to keep them happy and im insecure because of this, doesn't seem to realise that maybe his behaviour is making me that way! He also says I am a glass half full guy that believes anything is possible and I need to step up in life. If he thinks so little of me then why is he still contacting me!

[Turkish]

Mine always was pointing out he bought me from rags to riches because he was more well off than me, I consider a relationship more rich when my emotional well being is looked after not my financial.

You know, mine said things similar to me... . which keeps me in the G of the FOG. All in all, however, I wondered when she ever did the same, or was just me meeting her needs while in addition taking care of the big things and trying to triangulate around her not sabotaging our financial situation. Emotionally from her, it was me always walking on eggshells. Nothing equitable about it.

[Changingman]

Am I the best Girlfriend ever?

Said it over and over, before, during and after sex.

Urrrrrrrm?

No, no you're not! In fact the worse girlfriend ever.

In fact the worst friend ever, to everyone

In fact you aren't a friend to anyone

Deluded


I remembered her favourite film was the incredible lightness of being. A film about sex, infidelity and BPD ( not overtly said in the film ), and the film Betty Page, which she said she | read here | too. Betty Page BpD textbook.

Did she know or did these films 'ring' with her...


Nice girl

[Monarch Butterfly]

After I told him I want to leave he said I was going to regret my opinion because he is the only one that can make me happy, and that I am a fool to leave all the good things he has given me. He said no man could ever satisfy me with all the demands I have.   I don't think honesty and fidelity are a lot of demands. I don't remember asking for anything else. He then said our relationship couldn't have been that bad and I will never be financially well off if I leave. He might have a point there, but then again, it's better to live with less than under constant control. He said all men cheat and that I have it pretty good, but am not thankful of what God has given me. He said I was ungrateful.

It's all pure nonsense but then part of me starts to believe all that and I start to wonder... . what if I am asking for too much in a relationship? His twisted reasoning is so well presented it makes me guilty of thinking of leaving. I am so determined to leave when he is not around, present or talking... . then he presents his twisted logic that is full of guilt throwing, that I get so confused.

[Turkish]

After I told him I want to leave he said I was going to regret my opinion because he is the only one that can make me happy, and that I am a fool to leave all the good things he has given me. He said no man could ever satisfy me with all the demands I have.   I don't think honesty and fidelity are a lot of demands. I don't remember asking for anything else. He then said our relationship couldn't have been that bad and I will never be financially well off if I leave. He might have a point there, but then again, it's better to live with less than under constant control. He said all men cheat and that I have it pretty good, but am not thankful of what God has given me. He said I was ungrateful.

It's all pure nonsense but then part of me starts to believe all that and I start to wonder... . what if I am asking for too much in a relationship? His twisted reasoning is so well presented it makes me guilty of thinking of leaving. I am so determined to leave when he is not around, present or talking... . then he presents his twisted logic that is full of guilt throwing, that I get so confused.

Was this guy BPD or NPD? Not that it matters now. It is twisted thinking, and putting all of that together is pure nonsense from him.