went to mens group tonight, not sure if helpful

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was referred through my insurance since I'll have to severely cut back my individual therapy to afford CS. Ten guys, lots of different stories. Shared a 15 min rundown of mine, briefly touch upon BPD (one guy said his brother used to be married to a woman they thought had it), but f used on the behaviors, since they are more important. At the end, one guy said he thought I was handling it well.

There were two cheaters there. One guy sounded like a straight up sex addict. The other guy, the typical "took each other for granted" story. I asked him how much responsibility he took. He said most of it, but that he thought they shared some.

Then the FOG entered the room in my head.

Another was talking about a 27 year marriage, wife severely depressed. Taking what sounded like a theraputic separation. He had an issue similar to mine once, dimeneshed sex drive, which sounded like it may have triggered his wifes depression (he also shared that his wife had a traumatic childhood). His was medical for a while being on anti depressents for a time. I said mine was due to the way she treated me. My X is hot, that never was the problem. Started talking about his desire to meet her needs, and as a man. I chimed in here about a loaded, need based r/s and a little about codependency. The T liked that and reinforced that point.

Another guy had what barely qualified as an emotional affair. Out if the house and in the doghouse with his wife, but they still meet, and have even been intimate, living apart, but seeing each there every day. That may work out... .

The common thing is that even with the last guy, their wives seem to want to work it out. I really think that if I had been the one to go out on her, it would have been hell, but that she would have turned to me more. I did when I found out about hers, and she even admitted it, but she was still hoplrssly enmeshed with the dude, and we know how BDs split and attach, which at that point, being a little more educated on the disorder, I realized it was too late, and I "technically" ended it, though she already had in deed. How many months would I have spent trying to win her back, WoE the whole time more than ever, only to have her still in contact with the guy, and the good chance of her still doing it?

I don't know, maybe I answered my own question. I was very depressed, then came home and talked to her about the kids and some issue with her family. I actually felt better afterwards. Darned if maybe I still do want to be her friend despite all of this? Saw the text alert on her phone. Probably her boy toy (two love addicts, probably). Shell probably update him on her family and me, or maybe not... . why. Why. Why... . what did I do?

[Turkish]

I was referred through my insurance since I'll have to severely cut back my individual therapy to afford CS. Ten guys, lots of different stories. Shared a 15 min rundown of mine, briefly touch upon BPD (one guy said his brother used to be married to a woman they thought had it), but f used on the behaviors, since they are more important. At the end, one guy said he thought I was handling it well.

There were two cheaters there. One guy sounded like a straight up sex addict. The other guy, the typical "took each other for granted" story. I asked him how much responsibility he took. He said most of it, but that he thought they shared some.

Then the FOG entered the room in my head.

Another was talking about a 27 year marriage, wife severely depressed. Taking what sounded like a theraputic separation. He had an issue similar to mine once, dimeneshed sex drive, which sounded like it may have triggered his wifes depression (he also shared that his wife had a traumatic childhood). His was medical for a while being on anti depressents for a time. I said mine was due to the way she treated me. My X is hot, that never was the problem. Started talking about his desire to meet her needs, and as a man. I chimed in here about a loaded, need based r/s and a little about codependency. The T liked that and reinforced that point.

Another guy had what barely qualified as an emotional affair. Out if the house and in the doghouse with his wife, but they still meet, and have even been intimate, living apart, but seeing each there every day. That may work out... .

The common thing is that even with the last guy, their wives seem to want to work it out. I really think that if I had been the one to go out on her, it would have been hell, but that she would have turned to me more. I did when I found out about hers, and she even admitted it, but she was still hoplrssly enmeshed with the dude, and we know how BDs split and attach, which at that point, being a little more educated on the disorder, I realized it was too late, and I "technically" ended it, though she already had in deed. How many months would I have spent trying to win her back, WoE the whole time more than ever, only to have her still in contact with the guy, and the good chance of her still doing it?

I don't know, maybe I answered my own question. I was very depressed, then came home and talked to her about the kids and some issue with her family. I actually felt better afterwards. Darned if maybe I still do want to be her friend despite all of this? Saw the text alert on her phone. Probably her boy toy (two love addicts, probably). Shell probably update him on her family and me, or maybe not... . why. Why. Why... . what did I do?

[Ironmanrises]

Turkish, you witnessed normal relationship problems via those other men in the group. Something that is outside the realm of being with a PwBPD. I can imagine that stirred up feelings of nostalgia. And the fact that she is still under your roof in contact with that young douchebag will only prolong your hurt, confusion, and FOG. Hang in there my friend.

[Turkish]

Turkish, you witnessed normal relationship problems via those other men in the group. Something that is outside the realm of being with a PwBPD. I can imagine that stirred up feelings of nostalgia. And the fact that she is still under your roof in contact with that young douchebag will only prolong your hurt, confusion, and FOG. Hang in there my friend.

Thanks, Ironman. Except for the dude with the depressed wife, id say you are right. One guy struggled with a porn addiction (I wish I had that problem! Well... . not really). He did talk about shutting down in the face of anger. That I could relate to, to which my X showed zero mercy, my FOO.

[santa]

Your life is going to be so much better when you no longer live with your ex, Turkish. I can't wait for you to get to experience it. You're going to love it.

[Turkish]

Your life is going to be so much better when you no longer live with your ex, Turkish. I can't wait for you to get to experience it. You're going to love it.

My brilliant financial plan fell apart today. I'm depressed about that too. I can't take enough out of my retirement, even with penalties, to justify a principal pay down and re fi on my home. Back to channeling my mom, living on the edge (though she never had to pay CS). And my X was talking tonight about sending the kids to private schools... . she has no idea how her unwise choices have messed things up for all of us. I might look forward to that probable recycle in a year... . stupid, I know. I could have gotten past her affair tantrum at one point, but now? No.

[santa]

Your life is going to be so much better when you no longer live with your ex, Turkish. I can't wait for you to get to experience it. You're going to love it.

My brilliant financial plan fell apart today. I'm depressed about that too. I can't take enough out of my retirement, even with penalties, to justify a principal pay down and re fi on my home. Back to channeling my mom, living on the edge (though she never had to pay CS). And my X was talking tonight about sending the kids to private schools... . she has no idea how her unwise choices have messed things up for all of us. I might look forward to that probable recycle in a year.... stupid, I know. I could have gotten past her affair tantrum at one point, but now? No.

There's more important things in life than money. I know you'll do the right thing.