Desperate for any kind of advice about my BPD mother and our recent situation.

[Splotches]

When I was a child, she did a lot of typically nasty BPD things during her rages. Stabbed me, strangled me, locked me out, etc. Called the police to take me away to live in foster care about six times after losing my socks, etc.

But I feel sorry for her. Call it Stockholme Syndrome. You see, there were good times. I feel sympathetic towards my mother. I want to help her but feel powerless.

At the same time I’m so attached to her that my greatest fear is her dying, committing suicide – and that after that I will be alone in the world. It also saddens me that if she were ever to die, that she would die unhappy. She has no friends, or family, or a support system. It just seems tragic

When I reached my late teens, she transformed. She became the perfect mother. She has done so many things for me, financially. She took me to Asia for my birthday present. She tried to better herself using diet and exercise. She is trying to be positive.

I’ve always admired my mother for being strong enough to survive to where she is. At the same time, I still feel angry at her. I don’t feel comfortable being in her in public. She lied so much when I was a child that I don’t believe anything she says. Still, we have gotten along for the last few years.

Until…I got into my first relationship. My partner moved in.  We invited her at Christmas, along with a friend. She bought some drinks for us, but before Christmas arrived, she drank everything. Multiple bottles of alcohol. We had a decent time during Christmas, except I was drinking because I was so eager to make sure my mother had a good time. When she left our apartment, she said that she can tell my partner loves me, and she said she had a good time. Hours later, she sent me a nasty text saying that my relationship with my partner is dysfunctional, and that I will soon end up homeless and in a mental hospital because I am hiting up my life.

She thinks I’m hiting up my life because I lost my job, I put on weight (actually, it was only a bit of weight – but my mother is obsessed with weight.  I lost my job because my anxiety was bad. I put on weight because I fell in love, but I am in no way unhealthy or overweight. I was just very skinny before I met my partner.

I replied thanking her for showing me her true colours, and quoted Tangled (the Disney film), basically comparing her to the mother in that film, because we had watched it together. I saw some similarities between her and the mother (but kept it to myself), but while we were watching it she said, ‘there are a lot of mothers out there like that.’  Heh.

We haven’t spoken since. Now, my birthday is in January, and my mother has never  not wished me happy birthday. I am extremely worried, because the last time I spoke to her, Christmas, she was starting to drink heavily again, and she has no support system whatsoever if she went off the rails. I am so angry at her but I am FED UP of having to beg her to be reasonable and always being the one to apologise when she is nasty to me.

I am worried (irrational worry, I suffer from GAD,) that she’s dead. She basically told me a few months ago that she’s been having a lot of ‘dark thoughts’ recently, such as killing my pet dog, then killing me and then killing herself. According to her, if she kills me AND herself, it would stop me from experiencing the pain of losing her as a mother.

That made me think, ‘the hell?’ Her dying IS my greatest fear but I am in my twenties, and even if she did die and it would be a heavy blow, I still have my whole life ahead of me! Even if this was her ‘fantasy’, I couldn’t believe she told me this.

I am not sure what to do. If I call her, she has ‘won’, and she still has me in her power. I want to actually do the NC thing so I have space to grow. But my mother is not an evil person, and I want to make sure she is okay, even if we don’t have much contact.

Help!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Splotches & 

Your troubles with your Mom sound really stressful; I can see why you are tangled up with trying how to figure them out. Have you had the chance to check out the Survivors Guide, the Lessons and the Coping with a Family Member has BPD links on the right-hand margin of this page? I truly believe that giving yourself the time and space to learn more about BPD, and how your Mom's mind works, would help you figure this conundrum out.

I don't have a Mom with BPD, but my Mother-In-Law has (undiagnosed) BPD, and I've known her for 42 years. I also know how my husband and his 4 siblings were brought up by her, and the troubles they've had to deal with. And, as her daughter-in-law, I certainly have had to learn how to navigate the minefield that has been her emotional outbursts, silent treatments, and unexpected rages.

For me, I have not really had the option of anything more than intermittent No Contact when things were crazy with her, and we needed our space. It never lasted longer than several months at a time, but since I've learned about BPD and now understand how she thinks, things have actually gotten better. In fact, after learning Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, and putting what I learned into practice with her, things have actually improved in my relationship with her.

My problems with her are, of course, not the same as my husband's or his siblings', but I do know that once I got a handle on how she thought, and how her mind works, it really did make it easier for me to separate myself from her out-of-control words and emotions. I don't take it so personally anymore, and I can step back a little and communicate with her better. And I found that once I changed myself in that way, she changed the way she reacted to me, and things are not as bad as they've been for the last 42 years... . When you have the time, please check out the links I gave you, and the links to the right-hand side of this page. It could really help you figure this all out 

[Clearmind]

 

When I was a child, she did a lot of typically nasty BPD things during her rages. Stabbed me, strangled me, locked me out, etc. Called the police to take me away to live in foster care about six times after losing my socks, etc.

But I feel sorry for her. Call it Stockholme Syndrome. You see, there were good times. I feel sympathetic towards my mother. I want to help her but feel powerless.

At the same time I’m so attached to her that my greatest fear is her dying, committing suicide – and that after that I will be alone in the world. It also saddens me that if she were ever to die, that she would die unhappy. She has no friends, or family, or a support system. It just seems tragic.

Hi Splotches! When kids are young they love their parents unconditionally. With a BPD parent we often don’t realize what healthy relating is and we think what we endured is normal and as adults we normalize it – it feels safer, kinder and more empathetic to do that. We spent a childhood showing our parents love for little in return. As adults we follow this pattern.

It’s called fear, obligation, guilt. Fear repercussions, obligated to fix/help and guilt if we don’t/can’t.

She needs to be responsible for her life and you yours. Enmeshment is very common.

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

When I reached my late teens, she transformed. She became the perfect mother. She has done so many things for me, financially. She took me to Asia for my birthday present. She tried to better herself using diet and exercise. She is trying to be positive.

I’ve always admired my mother for being strong enough to survive to where she is. At the same time, I still feel angry at her. I don’t feel comfortable being in her in public. She lied so much when I was a child that I don’t believe anything she says. Still, we have gotten along for the last few years.

How have you coped with setting boundaries with her in the past?

Hours later, she sent me a nasty text saying that my relationship with my partner is dysfunctional, and that I will soon end up homeless and in a mental hospital because I am ing up my life.

She thinks I’m ing up my life because I lost my job, I put on weight (actually, it was only a bit of weight – but my mother is obsessed with weight.  I lost my job because my anxiety was bad. I put on weight because I fell in love, but I am in no way unhealthy or overweight. I was just very skinny before I met my partner.

Splotches: “Mom, I will not be spoken to that like this and have you comment on my weight. If you continue I will hang up the phone”.

Splotches, our parents are not accustomed to us protecting ourselves so they will put us down – its not right and we cannot permit it. Boundaries! Are a must.

We haven’t spoken since. Now, my birthday is in January, and my mother has never  not wished me happy birthday. I am extremely worried, because the last time I spoke to her, Christmas, she was starting to drink heavily again, and she has no support system whatsoever if she went off the rails. I am so angry at her but I am FED UP of having to beg her to be reasonable and always being the one to apologise when she is nasty to me.

We set up a way of relating – why apologise when she is nasty rather than set a boundary? Splotches, when you were a child you had to comply with her because your protection, safety was on the line and you feared you would be abandoned. You an adult in your own relationship now. You can protect yourself and you have adult privileges which include the right to set boundaries. What we do need to get through is the guilt that comes along with that.

Are you open to seeing a therapist? Childhood patterns maybe on repeat.

I am not sure what to do. If I call her, she has ‘won’, and she still has me in her power. I want to actually do the NC thing so I have space to grow. But my mother is not an evil person, and I want to make sure she is okay, even if we don’t have much contact.

Help!

Whether you call is not really the issue – it’s your ability to set a boundary if she oversteps your values. You will feel less resentful if you learn to protect yourself.

What nasty things do you think your mother will say if you call? And what corresponding boundary statement can you set?

E.g

Mom "Why haven't you called me - you clearly don't care about me"

Splotches "Mom, I am more than happy to talk to you only when you show myself and my partner respect. I did not appreciate the text you sent. In future if you send texts like this I will not respond"

[P.F.Change]

Splotches, you have been through a lot. It is good that you are able to reach out for support. You have found a place where people will understand what you have been through. Clearmind and RaptReader are quite right: boundaries and communication tools will help you untangle yourself from your mother's issues so that you can work on your own, and we will be here to help you work through the recovery process. Right now, though, I think the first thing is to make sure you have a safety plan.

She basically told me a few months ago that she’s been having a lot of ‘dark thoughts’ recently, such as killing my pet dog, then killing me and then killing herself.

This is very concerning, Splotches. Your mother has told you she has thoughts of killing you and killing herself. Our top priority here is to make sure you are safe. Could you take a few minutes and look over this link? Safety First

It is also important that we take all suicidal and homicidal thoughts seriously. If your mother is talking about harming herself and others, she needs professional care, and you need to look out for yourself as well. Have you thought about what you can do when your mother mentions suicide? We would be glad to put you in touch with a suicide prevention hotline in your area, if you are interested. It is good to have resources ready when you need help.

How long has it been since you have had contact with your mother? Is therapy a possibility for you? It can really be helpful to have professional support when a parent has BPD.

Wishing you peace,

PF