Dealing with the upcoming birth of my Son and uBPD mom

[donniesgrrl]

Hi there,

I have been very LC with my mom for the last 6 months, I will exchange very occasional text messages with her, and be friendly at family gatherings, include her and my enStepdad in our other Kids birthdays, but that is about it.

With that being said, I am feeling a lot of anxiety on what to do when our son is born.  I have decided to include my MIL in the labor and birth since she was not there for the first 2 and over the last year and a half her and I have grown very close and she has become the Mother I needed all these years.

I am feeling stuck, I don't know when to tell my mom the baby is on the way.  I know if I wait until he is born, she will put on a huge dramatic show and cry and sob and play the poor me card and ruin those first few precious days in the hospital with our son, but I am terrified that if I call her before the baby is born say when we are admitted and definitely in Labor she will show up and there will be Drama because she will not leave and we will have to boot her out forcefully, which I do not need.  My Husband and I are planning a med free birth and I need the space to be calm, positive, and distraction free for this to happen successfully. 

She feels like she has a right to be at my births, and I can already tell she is planning to show up if we let her know, I guess my fear is that I feel like there is no right way to handle this.  I don't want to not tell her I am in labor, but I know if we do, she will show up and all hell might break loose.  But then I feel like I should be able to have who I want there and if she doesn't understand that it really is not my problem.  Stupid guilt cycle.

Help would be really appreciated!

[P.F.Change]

I am feeling stuck... . I feel like there is no right way to handle this.  

There is also not a wrong way.    

You do not have the power to control what your mother may or may not feel or how she may or may not act. You do have the ability to decide where you will focus your energy and how to take care of yourself and your family. It is ok to focus on your needs and your baby's rather than putting your mother's feelings first.

My Husband and I are planning a med free birth and I need the space to be calm, positive, and distraction free for this to happen successfully.  

^^^It sounds like these are your needs. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing those... . do what you gotta do. Your mother may not understand; she may feel disappointed, hurt, confused, jealous, or angry when things do not go as she expects. That is ok. Adults are responsible for finding a way to cope with their own feelings. She will find a way to manage. You have your own needs and feelings to take care of.

FWIW, I waited until my children had been born before calling my parents to let them know. It helped me focus on labor and recovery. Many people also recommend having a written birth plan to share with  hospital staff; I included a section about visitors in mine.

However you decide to notify your mother about the birth, you will still have boundaries to take care of. Have you thought about ways to communicate with her about realities she might not like? Are you familiar with TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth ?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[zubizou87]

It's not my baby and I don't have any children of my own yet but if I were in this situation I would not tell my mother I was pregnant. I would not tell her I was having a baby nor anyone who might be manipulated into telling her. There is something about children that makes BPD and NPD women go a bit crazy, when you announce that you are pregnant it's going to create this ball of potential energy that she needs to lob at someone possibly your baby or you. I imagine that if my mother found out after I had had the baby she would be so distressed and betrayed and rage about it... . but really it's better that energy is unleashed on HERSELF than you. You are younger and more vulnerable with a baby whom you are trying to protect. She is a mentally ill middle aged woman who has had her entire life to sort her behaviour out.

She doesn't love you or your baby but newborns are to her a promise that she can be cured or something, a brand new undamaged chew toy. You baby is not a chew toy, they are a human, protect them as you were not protected you deserve a better life than that!

[donniesgrrl]

I am feeling stuck... . I feel like there is no right way to handle this. 

There is also not a wrong way.   

You do not have the power to control what your mother may or may not feel or how she may or may not act. You do have the ability to decide where you will focus your energy and how to take care of yourself and your family. It is ok to focus on your needs and your baby's rather than putting your mother's feelings first.

My Husband and I are planning a med free birth and I need the space to be calm, positive, and distraction free for this to happen successfully. 

^^^It sounds like these are your needs. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing those... . do what you gotta do. Your mother may not understand; she may feel disappointed, hurt, confused, jealous, or angry when things do not go as she expects. That is ok. Adults are responsible for finding a way to cope with their own feelings. She will find a way to manage. You have your own needs and feelings to take care of.

FWIW, I waited until my children had been born before calling my parents to let them know. It helped me focus on labor and recovery. Many people also recommend having a written birth plan to share with  hospital staff; I included a section about visitors in mine.

However you decide to notify your mother about the birth, you will still have boundaries to take care of. Have you thought about ways to communicate with her about realities she might not like? Are you familiar with TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth ?

Wishing you peace,

PF

It is our 3rd Child, and we are working on our Birth plan right now, I am due March 9th so It is right around the corner (thankfully) since I am very ready for him to be here .  What we are thinking right now and after talking about it last night, and talking to my Dad and Step Mom (who have also been instrumental in my healing in all of this, and I wish they lived closer than CA)  is that my Husband will send out a mass text when we are in Labor, and let everyone know we will call/text when we are ready for visitors.  We will then let the nurses know that My MIL and SIL are to be the only ones allowed in the room other than my Husband of course.  I know they have no qualms about playing bouncer if they need to, especially in a Maternity ward.  If she throws a fit she throws a fit, my concern is myself, and my baby and getting to have the best possible birth experience as possible.  I also Know that we will have security there, and if she wants to embarrass herself and make them call security than again that is on her.

I still feel like I need to answer to her even though we have been VLC for over a year.  As my Husband calls it the Mom chip in my brain that I am still working to remove.  I do not need to justify myself, no means no and our baby, my body my choice.  Her not being able to handle that is not MY problem, that is her issue as much as she may want to make it mine so that I have to take care of it for her, like I did for 30 plus years.

On top of this we will also have finished moving about 2 hours away from them so that will help too.  I can not wait to not be within in Drive by range of them, I also think the physical distance will give me the space I need to continue to heal.

[P.F.Change]

If she throws a fit she throws a fit, my concern is myself, and my baby and getting to have the best possible birth experience as possible. 

It sounds like you have found a way to take care of your own needs while allowing your mother to look after herself. 

I still feel like I need to answer to her even though we have been VLC for over a year.  As my Husband calls it the Mom chip in my brain that I am still working to remove. 

My DH told me for years to just stop caring what my mother thinks. It was one thing for him to see that I needed to do this, quite another for me to actually learn that it is possible and that I can decide for myself how to do things. Going to therapy helped. Have you ever talked with a therapist? It was good for me to start identifying the unspoken beliefs that were behind my feelings of obligation and guilt. Have you thought about what beliefs might be behind your feeling like you need to answer to your mother?

PF

[donniesgrrl]

My DH told me for years to just stop caring what my mother thinks. It was one thing for him to see that I needed to do this, quite another for me to actually learn that it is possible and that I can decide for myself how to do things. Going to therapy helped. Have you ever talked with a therapist? It was good for me to start identifying the unspoken beliefs that were behind my feelings of obligation and guilt. Have you thought about what beliefs might be behind your feeling like you need to answer to your mother?

PF[/quote]
I was in therapy for about a year, and I was able to deal with A LOT of the issues surrounding this feeling, I still "check in" with my Therapist once a month, but don't go as often as I used to. 

I used to feel like in my own life if things were in upheaval with my mom, whether it was my "doing" or it was something I was a basket case, I would walk around with a pit in my stomach.  My H said something very poignant the other day that just made sense.  He said "sometimes people just have to have hurt feelings" I need to stop taking responsibility for everyone elses feelings.  I am a fixer by nature, and I feel like it is my job to make sure everyone is OK all the time. 

I still do this a lot but have really started to put myself first in many ways which is something I have always needed to do, I have stopped caring so much about what other people think of what I am doing, which has been a huge change for me.  I was always so worried how others viewed me because growing up, I was always told that I was an extension of my uBPD mom, everything I did reflected on her good or bad. 

My victories were her victories, my failures were her failures. There was no Autonomy, nothing was ever mine.  It was always to make her look good, I graduated from College with honors, it was because she was such a good mother, not because I busted my ass.  I made the dance team it was because she sacrificed so much to get me dance classes and gave up things so I could have that, etc.

Nothing was ever mine, except when I had children, that she could not have.  She was never able to have biological children (I am adopted) so When I did that and she could not mirror it,  that was when things got really bad.  She used to tell me I was going to miscarry all the time, I could never talk about my pregnancy with out her bringing up her miscarriage that she had 20 years prior.  She had to be a part of every single step in my pregnancy, so much so that she showed up at my Ultrasound when I was pregnant with my Daughter and we made her sit in the waiting room because it was me and My H's moment and we were not going to let her ruin that.  However she made a huge scene sobbing and telling everyone in the waiting room how awful H and I were because we stole this experience form HER (should have seen the red flags then).

Same with my Marriage, she has one failed one and the one she has now is loveless and horrifying, and she is constantly trying to mirror my marriage off of hers, making me think my H is bad, or cheating or not worthy of me, because she can not accept that I am not her, and she is alone in her bad marriage.

It is a good feeling to be able to recognize these things now, even though I still get FOG sometimes, using these things as reminders help me to get through it.  I remind myself often of how much better my life has been since my breakthrough crisis.  Having removed so much of the toxicity and drama from my life has really changed me as a mother and a wife, and really as a person.  SO even though I doubt myself at times I look back to where I was at this time 2 years ago and realize how far I have come and how I can NEVER go back to that place and that I am doing the right thing. 

[P.F.Change]

My H said something very poignant the other day that just made sense.  He said "sometimes people just have to have hurt feelings" I need to stop taking responsibility for everyone elses feelings.  I am a fixer by nature, and I feel like it is my job to make sure everyone is OK all the time. 

Your DH sounds like a keeper.  It is true, hurt feelings happen. It is just a fact of life. Many of us have developed a co-dependent need to "fix" and "help" as a result of being raised by someone with BPD. You are not alone there. Is this something you would like to continue to work on?

I was always so worried how others viewed me because growing up, I was always told that I was an extension of my uBPD mom, everything I did reflected on her good or bad. 

This was true for me as well. My mother did not have a sense of self and relied on me to supply it for her. Now that I am an adult, I can trade in this message. I am my own person and I do not need her approval in order to be able to enjoy my life. 

I remind myself often of how much better my life has been since my breakthrough crisis.  Having removed so much of the toxicity and drama from my life has really changed me as a mother and a wife, and really as a person. 

I am glad you are feeling improvements in your life. You mentioned your breakthrough crisis. What stage do you feel like you are working on right now? (If you click on each stage on the right side of the page, a brief description will pop up in a new window).

[donniesgrrl]

Your DH sounds like a keeper.   It is true, hurt feelings happen. It is just a fact of life. Many of us have developed a co-dependent need to "fix" and "help" as a result of being raised by someone with BPD. You are not alone there. Is this something you would like to continue to work on?

Yes! It is something I struggle with still.  I still feel like I need to make sure everyone is "alright" before I can be.  I feel like I need to explain myself always, and I still feel like if I say no I have to give a reason.  I think this situation will be a really good one for me to put saying no and not explaining into practice

I am glad you are feeling improvements in your life. You mentioned your breakthrough crisis. What stage do you feel like you are working on right now? (If you click on each stage on the right side of the page, a brief description will pop up in a new window).

I think I am somewhere between 13 and 14, I still feel the "loss" of my relationship with my mother profoundly at times, It is amazing to me how it comes in waves, at times I will be great moving through life and doing really well at my healing, and then something will sneak in and remind me of how abnormal my childhood was and I feel that loss all over again.  It usually happens when I see people with "normal" mother daughter relationships, My MIL and my SIL for example, I feel like I was robbed of that and I have to work through it each time.  

It is very much like grief over a death of a loved one in that it sneaks in at the oddest moments.  I feel it most profoundly when I notice myself handling things differently with my own children,  and that is when it is the hardest.  Even though in my brain I know that she is ill and completely incapable of a healthy relationship, it still hurts my heart, because it is so easy for me to choose a different path when it comes to discipline or the way I respond to something they do.  I do know though that she can not control it, and then it makes me sad for her, that someone damaged her so profoundly that she can never escape this.  Or that she can but is so inside of herself and afraid all of the time that she will never be able to see the way that she is.

I still get angry at times and I am working on getting past that.  I feel it sneaking in when she texts me something and that teenager deep down inside that never got to rebel wants to tell her to eff off, for example when she accuses me of playing the victim when she herself is always the victim and always the receiver of such horrid treatment from her family.  It is one of the main reasons why I choose not to talk to her ore enage, because I am afraid I will tell her off, and engage in her behavior which is exactly what she wants so she can turn to others and say see how awful she is, I told you so.  

I think that is my biggest fear with the birth coming up.  That she will turn to people and say she stole this from me, I have every right to be there.  Now I know that is not the case and the people in my life who have been going through this with me continuously tell me so, and they all "get it" especially my dad and his sisters and my step mom.  She will do anything to paint herself the victim, and make it everyone elses fault when in reality her behavior is the cause of most if not all of the issues.

I just wish things were easier sometimes, that I did not have to go through this every damn time there is a big event that comes up.  I am very much looking forward to the day when I get to the point where I can say dammit my life is my life and I don't need to answer to anyone other than myself about it.

[P.F.Change]

I feel like I need to explain myself always, and I still feel like if I say no I have to give a reason.  I think this situation will be a really good one for me to put saying no and not explaining into practice

I agree--it is a great opportunity for you to practice a new habit. 

It is very much like grief over a death of a loved one in that it sneaks in at the oddest moments. 

You are right, I have experienced this, too. One encouraging thing that stands out to me from the description of Step 14 is this (bolding is mine):

"Be prepared for this step to take time. You can't be rushed into healing these deepest wounds from childhood, and the healing won't happen all at once. More likely you will heal the wounds in layers throughout your recovery, coming back to this step several times. You may always have a scar, but the scab covering your painful losses eventually will disappear. "

There is a good discussion here about Step 15, also, if you'd like to look ahead to what's next. Have you seen it yet? Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches

I do know though that she can not control it, and then it makes me sad for her, that someone damaged her so profoundly that she can never escape this.  Or that she can but is so inside of herself and afraid all of the time that she will never be able to see the way that she is.

I think this is a very compassionate way to look at things. I feel sad for my mother sometimes, too.

It is one of the main reasons why I choose not to talk to her ore enage, because I am afraid I will tell her off, and engage in her behavior which is exactly what she wants so she can turn to others and say see how awful she is, I told you so... . I think that is my biggest fear with the birth coming up.  That she will turn to people and say she stole this from me, I have every right to be there. 

I think it is good that you are able to recognize your feelings and your fears. Your mother may very well behave as Victim if she is hurt about not coming to the birth, especially if she finds comfort in this role. We of course cannot control what others do; we can, however, plan ahead by identifying and reviewing our own values and boundaries. Do you have a plan in place for yourself if your mother behaves as you anticipate? How will you remain centered?

We have a few resources here that might be helpful to you or to anyone else who reads this and wants to work on the same issues--they definitely helped me!

Conflict dynamics/Karpman triangle

How to stop circular arguments

Are we co-dependent?

I am so glad you are posting about these things, donniesgrrl. I know we have lots more members who are going through the same things or who have already been there. I hope more people will chime in, because it is a worthwhile topic. Thank you for sharing, and I also hope you will keep us posted about how everything goes with the baby. 

PF

[donniesgrrl]

I think it is good that you are able to recognize your feelings and your fears. Your mother may very well behave as Victim if she is hurt about not coming to the birth, especially if she finds comfort in this role. We of course cannot control what others do; we can, however, plan ahead by identifying and reviewing our own values and boundaries. Do you have a plan in place for yourself if your mother behaves as you anticipate? How will you remain centered?

I am reading a funny but very insightful book on birthing right now, called posh push, My Husband has been reading the Dad section of one of the chapters and it compares him to a daddy gorilla, his job is to block out all distractions and keep enemies at bay, as well as create a nurturing and natural environment that is calm and peaceful, so he is basically going to be my bouncer.  He is very strong when it comes to issues with my mom, and has been my main "rock" through all of this.  He knows he is to keep everything as calm as possible so that I can stay focused and centered and focus on the baby and I.  We have already discussed with the OB some of the issues pertaining to my Mother and he told us point blank that under no circumstances will anyone be allowed to stay if we do not want them there, and they will use whatever they need to, in order to remove them.  I would hope it does not come to that, but My DH is going to handle any and all stressors, and communications regarding my medical care, and visitors so that I can focus and stay where I need to in order to birth the way I want to.  I feel like it is a burden on him , but he is also aware of how fragile I am sometimes still, and how vulnerable labor makes me, so his protector mode kicks on and he becomes my shield.  As he likes to put it, I have no problem being the A$$hole in order to save you. .

With that being said, I am less worried about the fall out knowing that once we leave the Hospital we will be living almost 2 hours away from them so they can't just come over or drive by.  I am also much stronger when it comes to not answering the phone when she calls and being able to say OK so she vented on my voice mail, delete, don't engage and move on.  I have no control over how she acts but I do have control over how I respond, that for me has been a huge hurdle, I always used to feel like I had to explain myself and apologize for taking control over my own life.  I realize I don't need to do that anymore.  She may not like how I do things, or how things are handled but that is not my problem, that is her problem to manage, or mismanage, or explode over, etc.  All I HAVE to do is answer to myself, and if I feel what I am doing is right that is really all that matters.

Are we co-dependent?

I am so glad you are posting about these things, donniesgrrl. I know we have lots more members who are going through the same things or who have already been there. I hope more people will chime in, because it is a worthwhile topic. Thank you for sharing, and I also hope you will keep us posted about how everything goes with the baby. 

Of course I will keep you guys posted and thank you for your kind words, and candid responses.  I must say that finding this place full of people with similar expereinces has been a huge savior some days.  I don't post a ton, but I do chime in and being able to help others helps me to heal too, especially when I see someone just starting on their journey, it reminds me of how far I have come, and I hope that I can then help that person gain some insight and to heal as well.

PF[/quote]